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My BF's fear of being controlled


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Me (50), him (49), dating 8.5 months.

 

My boyfriend has told me a few times that he loves I am different than women he was in relationships with before. I am open minded, I am very live-and-let-live, I don't try to control him or keep track on him like all women (in his mind all women are controlling - except me)

 

Then lately a couple of little incidents happened. Incidents where I was not controlling but he viewed these incidents as controlling.

 

From there I said lets clarify something! Have I ever tried to control you in the past 8 months?? and he answered : No you have never.

 

Then I asked if I had a controlling nature wouldn't he have seen it by now considering we are together on daily basis? and his answer was : probably he would have seen it but sometimes women turn controlling on men after months even years. What the heck am I suppose to reply to this?

 

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I don't know that you can really reply to that other than to tell him that if he see's/feels something you've done is controlling, for him to talk to you about it.

 

Controlling is such a vague term, like many others. What is controlling to one person is another person's "taking the lead".

 

You've been with him a while now, hopefully you can get him to talk about it. What was it that he felt was controlling if you don't mind saying?

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He got some paranoid attitude going on here. Put your foot down and quickly address each thing firmly. Then tell him you will not put up with these accusations. He is being really unfair to peg you as a person that has a possibility of being controlling based on your gender. He's being a jerk.

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Me (50), him (49), dating 8.5 months.

 

My boyfriend has told me a few times that he loves I am different than women he was in relationships with before. I am open minded, I am very live-and-let-live, I don't try to control him or keep track on him like all women (in his mind all women are controlling - except me)

 

Then lately a couple of little incidents happened. Incidents where I was not controlling but he viewed these incidents as controlling.

 

From there I said lets clarify something! Have I ever tried to control you in the past 8 months?? and he answered : No you have never.

 

Then I asked if I had a controlling nature wouldn't he have seen it by now considering we are together on daily basis? and his answer was : probably he would have seen it but sometimes women turn controlling on men after months even years. What the heck am I suppose to reply to this?

 

 

What were the "incidents"? It's kinda weird that this showing up 8 months in, however, he's right in one way -- sometimes it takes a while for different issues to show up, that's just a fact. Things come to light over time as you experience more things together, so it's good to figure it out now. And, usually, it's around the end of the "honeymoon period" which is roughly 4, 6, 7 months depending on the couple when that "fog" lifts. He may just be projecting/having a little PTSD from another dating scenario when this happened to him at about this point in another relationship. What's his previous relationship history?

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You've been with him a while now, hopefully you can get him to talk about it. What was it that he felt was controlling if you don't mind saying?

 

Here is an incident.

 

Last weekend he told me last minute he had made plans with friends for Saturday. I said: aaawww serious! I thought we were gonna go see Star Trek, Saturdays are girlfriend nights! c'mon! (I said this in a teasing way with huge grin on my face)

 

That was the wrong thing to say! I got a speech on how every night is girlfriend night and in 8 months he only took 2 Saturdays away from me. That I cannot dictate which night he can go out, this is controlling and he can't deal with controlling blahblahblah.

 

I told him I was not trying to control him. He is free to go out I was just expressing my disappointment and I was even teasing. He said if I am disappointed then to express disappointment to him and to not come up with silly rules like Saturdays are girlfriends night.

 

Anyway it turned into a big deal I've never meant it to be. He ended up cancelling his plans to stay with me and it made me feel even worse. I told him he didn't have to do that and he said I am more important and everything is alright.

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I had to process this for a time to wrap my head around. From the entire time I have been here and processing your answers and opinions on topics while you have strong opinions I don’t process the notion that you are “controlling”

 

Women who would be classified as “controlling” are narcissistic and histrionic and women who poses these personality traits are women who keep men on a chain by threatening some sort of action if they don’t get their way.

 

Men who feel threatened or who have in the past have a fragile sense of loss or abandonment… fear of losing the relationship, fear of losing their children, their reputation or their money or some other relationship asset.

 

Inducing fear, guilt, shame and a sense of obligation are how abusive women control some guys. If the guys is afraid of loss and his wife/girlfriend/ex knows it, he is basically at her mercy.

 

Abusive controlling women will basically say “If you don’t ‘shape up, do something, give me something’ I’m leaving.”

 

I don’t in any way see you as being this type of person. Having said that we can’t know each other except for these posts and our inputs.

 

He is the one with the issue, he needs some help trying to figure that out. Exploring his past relationships is the key. I think I recall you talking about this in another thread a month or so ago.

 

Also what Red asks:

 

What's his previous relationship history?

 

Understanding that is the key to understanding him and that will tell you whether or not this is worth the headache in the long run.

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This has nothing to do with what happened....this has a lot to do with his negative view about women.....

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He may just be projecting/having a little PTSD from another dating scenario when this happened to him at about this point in another relationship. What's his previous relationship history?

 

He had 2 relationships of 10 years.

 

I never hear anything bad about 1st relationship. They had 2 sons (planned).

 

Second relationship I definitely heard more about it. They had an unplanned pregnancy. She was very controlling and manipulative.

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Thank you Larry, we view ourselves a certain way and sometimes it's not in tune with how other people perceive us. I have always considered myself a non-controlling person. He even admits in all of our time together I have never tried to control him. Maybe because our relationship is getting more serious and committed, we are making long term plans now, he is more sensitive (jumpy) about control.

 

I had to process this for a time to wrap my head around. From the entire time I have been here and processing your answers and opinions on topics while you have strong opinions I don’t process the notion that you are “controlling”

 

Women who would be classified as “controlling” are narcissistic and histrionic and women who poses these personality traits are women who keep men on a chain by threatening some sort of action if they don’t get their way.

 

Men who feel threatened or who have in the past have a fragile sense of loss or abandonment… fear of losing the relationship, fear of losing their children, their reputation or their money or some other relationship asset.

 

Inducing fear, guilt, shame and a sense of obligation are how abusive women control some guys. If the guys is afraid of loss and his wife/girlfriend/ex knows it, he is basically at her mercy.

 

Abusive controlling women will basically say “If you don’t ‘shape up, do something, give me something’ I’m leaving.”

 

I don’t in any way see you as being this type of person. Having said that we can’t know each other except for these posts and our inputs.

 

He is the one with the issue, he needs some help trying to figure that out. Exploring his past relationships is the key. I think I recall you talking about this in another thread a month or so ago.

 

Also what Red asks:

 

 

 

Understanding that is the key to understanding him and that will tell you whether or not this is worth the headache in the long run.

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Here is an incident.

 

Last weekend he told me last minute he had made plans with friends for Saturday. I said: aaawww serious! I thought we were gonna go see Star Trek, Saturdays are girlfriend nights! c'mon! (I said this in a teasing way with huge grin on my face)

 

That was the wrong thing to say! I got a speech on how every night is girlfriend night and in 8 months he only took 2 Saturdays away from me. That I cannot dictate which night he can go out, this is controlling and he can't deal with controlling blahblahblah.

 

I told him I was not trying to control him. He is free to go out I was just expressing my disappointment and I was even teasing. He said if I am disappointed then to express disappointment to him and to not come up with silly rules like Saturdays are girlfriends night.

 

Anyway it turned into a big deal I've never meant it to be. He ended up cancelling his plans to stay with me and it made me feel even worse. I told him he didn't have to do that and he said I am more important and everything is alright.

 

He's hypersensitive to this because of history. On one-hand, it is good that he made you the priority, but I wouldn't let this happen very often, that's for sure, it will cause resentment. If he has been spending a sufficient amount of time with you and decides to do something else sometime, making a joke like this would come off as at least manipulation -- guilt tripping especially since there was some truth behind it, instead of being direct. He sensed that there was truth behind those words and would rather that you express yourself without criticizing. "Awe, I was hoping we'd spend today together, but we didn't talk about it and you should have some ME time, go out and have a great time. I'll make plans with X person". It's OK to express disappointment, but disguising it with a joke is insincere. You have a heads up here, you know he's sensitive about this subject and humor in this area doesn't work for him :) It worked for you though :)

 

My ex husband used to use this kind of "truth disguised" by humor often and it pissed me off to no end :) It felt manipulative.

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This has nothing to do with what happened....this has a lot to do with his negative view about women.....

 

I think you are right. He does have a negative view of women in relationships. In other aspects though I never hear him say something negative about women he interacts with at work. He works construction and his boss is a woman! Which is very uncommon and many men would question her ability but not him, I have never heard him say anything negative about this lady. So I think his negative views are only romantic relationship related.

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I think you are right. He does have a negative view of women in relationships. In other aspects though I never hear him say something negative about women he interacts with at work. He works construction and his boss is a woman! Which is very uncommon and many men would question her ability but not him, I have never heard him say anything negative about this lady. So I think his negative views are only romantic relationship related.

 

So I think his negative views are only romantic relationship related -- Well, that's the relationship you have with him. So pay attention to whether or not this negative view romantically about women becomes prevailing in your relationship . . . you may be in the "witching hour" here when things start becoming clearer . . .

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hhmm ya. I read your answer a couple of times and I can see it from your (his) point of view.

 

I thought humor was good to deliver a message but it could be categorized as being passive aggressive.

 

 

He's hypersensitive to this because of history. On one-hand, it is good that he made you the priority, but I wouldn't let this happen very often, that's for sure, it will cause resentment. If he has been spending a sufficient amount of time with you and decides to do something else sometime, making a joke like this would come off as at least manipulation -- guilt tripping especially since there was some truth behind it, instead of being direct. He sensed that there was truth behind those words and would rather that you express yourself without criticizing. "Awe, I was hoping we'd spend today together, but we didn't talk about it and you should have some ME time, go out and have a great time. I'll make plans with X person". It's OK to express disappointment, but disguising it with a joke is insincere. You have a heads up here, you know he's sensitive about this subject and humor in this area doesn't work for him :) It worked for you though :)

 

My ex husband used to use this kind of "truth disguised" by humor often and it pissed me off to no end :) It felt manipulative.

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Fast forward yesterday. He gets a phone call in front of me. He puts the guy on speaker phones and has a conversation with him on speaker phones right in front of me. When he hung up I asked 'who's Sebastian'. They just had a conversation on speaker phones in front of me so I didn't think it was prying on my part!! (was it?)

 

He took it as prying. Again we got into a debate in which he asked me if I think he is hiding something from me cause he's not and he told me about Sebastian before - and reminded me when he spoke to me about Sebastian.

 

I told him he was really over doing it this time how could he perceive my 'who's Sebastian' as prying and he said my tone. It was inquisitive. If I had a different tone and worded it differently it would have been ok.

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Here is an incident.

 

Last weekend he told me last minute he had made plans with friends for Saturday.

 

If you spend most Saturday nights together, then why did he not run it past you that he was thinking of seeing his friends Saturday early on in the week, instead of presenting you with a last minute fait accompli, and then getting pissy about it when you express your disappointment?

He then plays the victim by cancelling his plans...

 

That all turns you into the "controlling" bad guy, when all you did was expect to go and see Star Trek Saturday night with him.

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You could turn the whole controlling thing into a joke. Ask him to call you "master" lol usually making fun of fears seems to make them go away because people realize how dumb they are to have.

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If you spend most Saturday nights together, then why did he not run it past you that he was thinking of seeing his friends Saturday early on in the week, instead of presenting you with a last minute fait accompli, and then getting pissy about it when you express your disappointment?

He then plays the victim by cancelling his plans...

 

That all turns you into the "controlling" bad guy, when all you did was expect to go and see Star Trek Saturday night with him.

 

We did not have set plans to see Star Trek Saturday night but we had talked about going over the weekend. I assumed we would go Saturday.

 

He never runs anything by me. Sometimes he gets up Saturday morning and that's when he lets me know he's got garage appointments and whats not.

 

If we have official plans he respects them. If I have something specific I want us to do I remind him to not schedule anything for a certain night because we're expected at ABC and I know his tendency of last minute project.

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So those are the only 2 incidents but they happened both within 7 days so it has me thinking something is brewing underneath.

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Fast forward yesterday. He gets a phone call in front of me. He puts the guy on speaker phones and has a conversation with him on speaker phones right in front of me. When he hung up I asked 'who's Sebastian'. They just had a conversation on speaker phones in front of me so I didn't think it was prying on my part!! (was it?)

 

He took it as prying. Again we got into a debate in which he asked me if I think he is hiding something from me cause he's not and he told me about Sebastian before - and reminded me when he spoke to me about Sebastian.

 

I told him he was really over doing it this time how could he perceive my 'who's Sebastian' as prying and he said my tone. It was inquisitive. If I had a different tone and worded it differently it would have been ok.

 

If I had a different tone and worded it differently it would have been ok. -- Now you're getting into a "walking on eggshells" thing where you have to monitor how you say EVERYTHING. That was an innocuous question based on an open conversation he had in front of you. It wasn't prying.

 

Your tone? It's not like he had been speaking to or mentioning a woman's name . . . He's projecting . . . Strike 2 . . . keep an eye on this.

 

I should add, that oftentimes when a person has a fear of being controlled, they in turn become the controlling partner . . . you may be seeing a little glimmer of this because you may find that you have to be careful about what/how you say things to him and he's grooming you to basically keep your mouth shut and don't ask questions. I'm not saying this is the case, because it just happened recently, but if its a pattern, you may have a problem.

 

Just let this sit and observe if a pattern develops.

Edited by Redhead14
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Do you know what Gaeta. I think you should plan to go out this Saturday and "forget" to tell him. Then go out for a brilliant evening with your girlfriends and have some time out.

 

This guy, for whatever reason is acting like a jerk and it needs to stop.

 

if you speak to him sensibly about it and he just gets even more "jerky" then c'est la vie. Clearly he is an idiot.

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Me (50), him (49), dating 8.5 months.

 

My boyfriend has told me a few times that he loves I am different than women he was in relationships with before. I am open minded, I am very live-and-let-live, I don't try to control him or keep track on him like all women (in his mind all women are controlling - except me)

 

Then lately a couple of little incidents happened. Incidents where I was not controlling but he viewed these incidents as controlling.

 

From there I said lets clarify something! Have I ever tried to control you in the past 8 months?? and he answered : No you have never.

 

Then I asked if I had a controlling nature wouldn't he have seen it by now considering we are together on daily basis? and his answer was : probably he would have seen it but sometimes women turn controlling on men after months even years. What the heck am I suppose to reply to this?

 

 

 

Beware of men who say things like 'your the only woman I've met who hasn't ____(fill in the blank) or 'you're the only woman I've ever met who does ____(fill in the blank). I know hearing that you're the only special one who doesn't do such and such or does do such and such is flattering but it's usually not true.

 

If he viewed your interaction with him as controlling then obviously he has unfairly judged other women as controlling as well.

 

He didn't like your question because your tone was inquisitive? Well yeah, questions are inquisitive by nature. I just tried to ask a question without sounding inquisitive and I couldn't do it..lol.

 

I suspect that this guy is actually the controlling one in his relationships and he is starting to assert control over you. You can't lightheartedly express surprise or disappointment and you now you can't ask questions that sound inquisitive. I wonder what's next?

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he's grooming you to basically keep your mouth shut and don't ask questions. I'm not saying this is the case, because it just happened recently, but if its a pattern, you may have a problem.

 

Just let this sit and observe if a pattern develops.

 

From a certain age I think we cannot be groomed into anything anymore lol.

 

He told me a couple of times my north-American way is too forward for him, he is used to more subtlety as they do in Europe (France), apparently women are more submissive over there. I told him I am willing to meet him half-way on our cultural differences and watch my tone but he has to meet me in the middle and not be so darn sensitive.

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If he viewed your interaction with him as controlling then obviously he has unfairly judged other women as controlling as well.

 

 

Your whole post was very good but this part is a really good point. thanks

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Thank you Larry, we view ourselves a certain way and sometimes it's not in tune with how other people perceive us. I have always considered myself a non-controlling person. He even admits in all of our time together I have never tried to control him. Maybe because our relationship is getting more serious and committed, we are making long term plans now, he is more sensitive (jumpy) about control.

 

I think that is a big part of it. But I have read all your posts gaeta, and honestly it sounds like he does not so much feel controlled, but rather he is tired of the routine. So the routine in-itself is controlling, and he hasnt said anything for so long cause he did not want that argument drama with you. But now hes just tired of acting like he is ok with it.

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All relationships have some behavior in them that could be considered controlling if your filter triggers on it.

 

With my wife, she is late everywhere we go, late...to me she is just trying to control what and when she goes somewhere and making it on her terms but to her she just isn't ready and takes FOREVER in front of the mirror...

 

If I complain I am trying to control her, but then isn't she trying to control the situation ?

 

In the end it doesn't matter...

 

I think in your situation him wanting to go out and you making the move that the day is already taken is controlling but to you it wasn't because you don't really care..

 

In the end it doesn't matter but you both have to feel that way even though it was a stumbling block in the beginning, this would be the beginnings of compromising for the relationship.. which he did in the end...

 

Is he really upset about this ? if he is then you need to hammer it out till you both feel comfortable with the compromise..because it will build resentment if left alone.

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