In a relationship but realised I'm not over my ex, is it cruel to not break it off?

[takenawayfrom]

Sorry, this is a bit long, I'm really confused right now!

 

So I thought I was over my ex, she broke up with me, did complete NC (including FB and everything) for 3 months (it was only a 4 month relationship but I was obsessed with her), stopped thinking about her all the time so was kind of open minded to the idea of a new relationship and then I met current girlfriend and we totally hit it off.

 

So fast forward a couple of months, she's amazing, objectively if I were to write down what I was looking for she would fill all the important boxes and most of the non-important ones. Anyway, its a great relationship, I try not to compare but its much better than the one with my ex, we have much more fun together, she's better to talk to, I feel much more secure and comfortable with her and we have more of the same values and interests.

 

But then yesterday I saw my ex on the street, pretty sure she didn't see me, but the reaction I had to seeing her told me instantly that I am absolutely not over her. It was the biggest adrenaline rush of my life I've pretty much never felt like that, and I've definitely never ever felt like that with new gf...

 

Anyway, I was totally freaked out, I felt physically sick and was really worried about how I reacted so I called up my gf and said I'd like to see her, she was free so I went round to her house, I put ex out of my mind and we had an amazing evening together, I felt like I needed to get my ex out of my head and remind myself of what I have now.

 

But this morning, I can't shake it, I lay in bed looking at her while she was sleeping for about an hour feeling terrified. Its like my recovery from my last relationship has been pushed back 3 months. I guess I'm just gutted that I thought I'd sorted myself out but I clearly hadn't.

 

I really really don't want to end my relationship with my current girlfriend, the way we are together has so much potential, its so rare to find someone like her but at the same time I feel like I'm betraying her, because I clearly have such strong feelings about someone else although when I think about it objectively I don't want to actually get back with her, I would pick new girlfriend over her every single time, when I'm thinking rationally, but you can't control chemicals!

 

So I guess I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this, is it unfair to keep seeing her? I feel like if I break up with her because of this I'll be even more gutted because I really think me have some potential together, and sooner or later I will get over my ex, and it will be a shame if she's been able to destroy two of my relationships.

Edited July 26, 2016 by takenawayfrom

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, you are being selfish. No doubt in my mind. The decent thing would be to tell her that you are not over your ex and you don't want to hurt her. Perhaps she'll decide what the next course of action should be, but she deserves to know.

[takenawayfrom]

Well, you are being selfish. No doubt in my mind. The decent thing would be to tell her that you are not over your ex and you don't want to hurt her. Perhaps she'll decide what the next course of action should be, but she deserves to know.

Firstly, its been less than 12 hours since I saw her, so I don't think I've really had chance to be selfish yet, I always think a lot before I do anything in relationships, I'm debating what to do, it's unfair to call me selfish.

 

However I'm not sure I want to tell her, I feel like its my issue to deal with, telling her would cause her to worry, and I don't think that's going to really achieve anything, none of this changes how I feel about her. If the roles were reversed, I don't think I would want to know. If I decide to break up with her, then I'd tell her why, but if I decide to stick at it and hope it gets better I see no benefit to either of us of her knowing. Can you elaborate on why you think it would be a good idea?

[stillafool]

 

However I'm not sure I want to tell her, I feel like its my issue to deal with, telling her would cause her to worry, and I don't think that's going to really achieve anything, none of this changes how I feel about her. If the roles were reversed, I don't think I would want to know. If I decide to break up with her, then I'd tell her why, but if I decide to stick at it and hope it gets better I see no benefit to either of us of her knowing. Can you elaborate on why you think it would be a good idea?

 

 

See that's the thing. You can't control how you feel about someone and you would be misleading your current gf by sticking with her and hoping you get over your ex. Your current gf unfortunately is a rebound at this point. She deserves to know how you feel so she can prepare herself. Often in these situations when you are honest with the rebound they will fight harder to maintain your attention.

[takenawayfrom]

See that's the thing. You can't control how you feel about someone and you would be misleading your current gf by sticking with her and hoping you get over your ex. Your current gf unfortunately is a rebound at this point. She deserves to know how you feel so she can prepare herself. Often in these situations when you are honest with the rebound they will fight harder to maintain your attention.

 

I see your point, this is why I'm posting here but I guess, I think you're saying 'hoping you get over your ex', fact is there is no way I'm getting back with my ex. She would never get back with me and I've realised that I don't want to get back with her. So either my life will be spent in desperate heartbreak, or I'm going to get over her so its not about 'hoping I get over my ex' its about when I get over my ex.

 

And at that point new gf is still going to be just as awesome as she is now, my feelings about her won't change, because they're not based on infatuation like they were with my ex, they're based on actual tangible stuff that makes us great for each other, rather than just hormones.

 

I feel like my relationship with my ex was a mad chemical experiment where I spent every second of my life wildly infatuated with her, unable to eat or sleep because I thought about her so much, just on a constant dopamine high. With new gf I just feel happy. Seeing ex on the street yesterday jumped me back to that craziness, and I kind of like it, its addictive, but its not real, because it doesn't have any real basis.

 

Anyway, that's kind of how I'm feeling.

[elaine567]

I see no benefit to either of us of her knowing.

 

There is no benefit to you, as she would no doubt dump you and you will then be on your own.

To her, the benefit is that she doesn't waste her time falling in love with and loving someone who is still in love with their ex...

 

You ARE being selfish.

[joyful]

 

You ARE being selfish.

 

^^^this.

 

in the right relationship, there will be both the chemical high and the tangible benefits...

[takenawayfrom]

^^^this.

 

in the right relationship, there will be both the chemical high and the tangible benefits...

 

This is conflicting advice to what other people have told me.

 

Most other people say that the chemical stuff dies after a few months (true in my experience) and then what you are left with afterwards is what matters. In some past relationships when the dopamine adrenaline rollercoaster has ended there's been nothing and we've broken up, so I'm kind of thinking that listing to infatuation to decide your relationships is a **** idea, because it doesn't last, and it doesn't mean anything.

 

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm massively attracted to new gf, my heart races when I see her, when she puts her hand on my leg when we're in a restaurant my heart skips a beat, but I don't get the full on adrenaline smack you off your feet, feel ill thing I've had with some girls in the past. But that's good I think, because I can never feel comfortable with that and it destroys my life while I'm feeling it. This is the first relationship where I've actually been happy in the early stages, because we're both really into each other, but I don't feel like I'm about to throw up every time the phone calls.

 

Do you know what I mean?

 

I'm not dismissing your point by the way, I'm going to see her tonight, so I'm thinking about telling her. I just haven't completely made my mind up yet.

[takenawayfrom]

There is no benefit to you, as she would no doubt dump you and you will then be on your own.

To her, the benefit is that she doesn't waste her time falling in love with and loving someone who is still in love with their ex...

 

You ARE being selfish.

 

I don't think she would dump me by the way, she's already in love with me, I can tell, I think she'd just want to know that I don't want to get back with my ex (which I absolutely don't) and then would be willing to see how things go. I think it would just make things a bit awkward between us for a while, and I don't know what the end point would be, would I one day just have to tell her 'oh by the way, I'm over my ex now'....that's a bit weird isn't it...

[Gaeta]

I don't think she would dump me by the way, she's already in love with me, I can tell, I think she'd just want to know that I don't want to get back with my ex (which I absolutely don't) and then would be willing to see how things go. I think it would just make things a bit awkward between us for a while, and I don't know what the end point would be, would I one day just have to tell her 'oh by the way, I'm over my ex now'....that's a bit weird isn't it...

 

People with experience know that once you are over your ex-girlfriend and ready to fall in love again, it won't be with her.

 

You want to use her as your rebound and gamble you may or may not fall for her later on.

 

Honestly if your sister was dating a man like you, what would you advice her? You would really tell her to invest her time in him because 'who knows' he may grow feelings. Nah, you would not.

[takenawayfrom]

People with experience know that once you are over your ex-girlfriend and ready to fall in love again, it won't be with her.

 

You want to use her as your rebound and gamble you may or may not fall for her later on.

 

Honestly if your sister was dating a man like you, what would you advice her? You would really tell her to invest her time in him because 'who knows' he may grow feelings. Nah, you would not.

I don't need to 'grow feelings' I already have feelings! Up until yesterday lunchtime I had 2 months of barely even thinking about my ex, and of being really happy in my new relationship. I'm not sure what your point is to be honest.

 

I'd probably tell my sister to keep on seeing someone like me, as I'm fully committed to her, care about her deeply, we have fun together and are supportive of each other and we want similar things in life. I mean I don't know what more there is either of us could get out of the relationship.

 

So I have never felt that extreme infatuation, not fussed, can't live feeling like that it makes you ill, it destroys me, but I see my ex and I experience it for the first time since the end of our relationship.

 

That doesn't change anything about how I feel about my girlfriend.

Edited July 26, 2016 by takenawayfrom

[Gaeta]

You are confusing. Do you even know what your problem is? First it's about not being over your ex and now it's about not feeling the infatuation phase with new girlfriend. Those are 2 separate issues.

[takenawayfrom]

You are confusing. Do you even know what your problem is? First it's about not being over your ex and now it's about not feeling the infatuation phase with new girlfriend. Those are 2 separate issues.

 

Well, it was that when I saw my ex it struck home to me that I'd never felt like that with my current gf.

 

I don't know, I mean is it really any different to how people feel when they see celebrities that they think are attractive.

 

I'm never getting back with my ex even if she called me up and said she wanted to get back together while part of me would want to say yes, I would 100% say no, because what I have with my gf is so much deeper than what we had. My gf has absolutely nothing to worry about, I think we have potentially a brilliant future together, I just felt sad because I have never felt like I did when I saw my ex yesterday when I've been around her. But part of me thinks thats not a bad thing, as its not a good way to form a relationship!

[joyful]

Well, it was that when I saw my ex it struck home to me that I'd never felt like that with my current gf.

 

I don't know, I mean is it really any different to how people feel when they see celebrities that they think are attractive.

 

I'm never getting back with my ex even if she called me up and said she wanted to get back together while part of me would want to say yes, I would 100% say no, because what I have with my gf is so much deeper than what we had. My gf has absolutely nothing to worry about, I think we have potentially a brilliant future together, I just felt sad because I have never felt like I did when I saw my ex yesterday when I've been around her. But part of me thinks thats not a bad thing, as its not a good way to form a relationship!

 

OP, i feel about my boyfriend the way you feel about your ex. but our relationship has the tangible benefits that make a relationship durable, too. it is possible to have both.

 

since the title of your thread mentions breaking up, i don't think you feel as confident about your current GF as you now claim.

[bachdude]

Well, the way you describe the situation is that you DID in fact forget about your old GF and only upon seeing her unexpectedly you had this intense reaction, which was a surprise to you. So I agree you are not being selfish.

 

 

And now you are locked in this internal battle because you genuinely have feelings for your new GF and don't want to lose her but you feel if you are not over your old GF perhaps you shouldn't be with your new GF. I sense a bit of desperation even in your posts.

 

 

OP, you describe your relationship with your old GF as an obsession. It's almost like an addiction. You're like the guy trying to get over a substance abuse problem and you were doing well until you saw the drug right in front of you.

 

 

You know, before you go and break things off, why not go talk to a counselor about this? I think you may find it very helpful and it would help sort out what is really going on inside yourself.

[Sunnymae]

call it what you will, chemistry, lust, hormone, etc. but frankly I believe that passionate love making can also make or break a relationship. Your smart rational side of your brain says that this new girl is everything you were looking for, but evidently the gf hasn't rocked your world sufficiently enough to prevent you from having passionate sex with your ex. Not fair to current gf. Could it be that you are holding back b/c you fear getting dumped? Maybe you got too serious with your current too soon. I say think with your head, and not your heart. Stay away from your ex. Instead concentrate on ways to spark passion with with your current gf.

[Gaeta]

But then yesterday I saw my ex on the street, pretty sure she didn't see me, but the reaction I had to seeing her told me instantly that I am absolutely not over her. It was the biggest adrenaline rush of my life I've pretty much never felt like that, and I've definitely never ever felt like that with new gf...

 

What you have experience is normal. It's a trick of the brain. Not long ago I got a FB message from a man I had a 1 year relationship with 12 YEARS ago. When I saw his message and picture my heart stopped ! and I was thrown back into time. For a moment I felt exactly the way I felt for him 12 years ago!! It was just my brain remembering, reliving, what we used to be. My feelings for this man have died years ago! I am old enough and have had many relationships to know what I felt when seeing his picture and message meant NOTHING. It was just a flash back!

 

Also, in a healthy relationship there should not be one obsessed with the other one. You may have had something intense with that ex but didn't sound like it was healthy.

[bachdude]

What you have experience is normal. It's a trick of the brain. Not long ago I got a FB message from a man I had a 1 year relationship with 12 YEARS ago. When I saw his message and picture my heart stopped ! and I was thrown back into time. For a moment I felt exactly the way I felt for him 12 years ago!! It was just my brain remembering, reliving, what we used to be. My feelings for this man have died years ago! I am old enough and have had many relationships to know what I felt when seeing his picture and message meant NOTHING. It was just a flash back!

 

Also, in a healthy relationship there should not be one obsessed with the other one. You may have had something intense with that ex but didn't sound like it was healthy.

 

 

Yes! Well said!

[takenawayfrom]

OP, i feel about my boyfriend the way you feel about your ex. but our relationship has the tangible benefits that make a relationship durable, too. it is possible to have both.

 

since the title of your thread mentions breaking up, i don't think you feel as confident about your current GF as you now claim.

 

Thing is, I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like I did about my ex, well not really, my idiot hormones think I do, but actually looking back on it that relationship destroyed me, I couldn't function properly, didn't eat or sleep it was horrible. At the time I thought I was wildly in love with her, but actually I was just obsessed with her (I've had this before with other girls by the way).

 

Actually the reason I really like being in the relationship I am now is because I don't have to spend my whole life fired up on adrenaline and dopamine, I can actually enjoy the fun times and appreciate the relationship for what it is, not some toxic madness.

 

I guess I've had a bit more time to think about it, and I think that probably seeing my ex was just a blip, I was surprised to see her and my body went a bit mental for a second, it will pass, 2 years from now I probably won't even notice her in a crowd unless I was stood right by her. I felt like I had betrayed by gf, which is why I mentioned breaking up, but there's no part of me that wants to break up with her, I was thinking 'how would I feel if she broke up with me' (which I think is always a good of whether you should end a relationship), and the answer is, I'd be mortified.

[joyful]

those chemicals facilitate bonding and are experienced as falling in love.

 

i am not in an obsessive toxic relationship. i am simply in love, which means i don't experience with any other human being the level of attraction i feel for my partner. i think most who are in love feel this way.

 

i don't mean to offend you. i just think that you are in a rebound relationship.

[todreaminblue]

i think that crazy kind of love you speak of is destructive..not worth revisiting...intensity needs a balance....doesnt sound like you had any kind ofbalance previously.......but i also think your gf needs to hear how you feel....and what happened...the fact you wrote that you lay next to your current gf terrified....needs to be talked about.....

 

id o believe what you had was a flashback....an intense one....and over time they debase....become not as intense .the fact remains...you havent fully dealt with the break up yet....or really faced it........deb

[Emilia]

Thing is, I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like I did about my ex, well not really, my idiot hormones think I do, but actually looking back on it that relationship destroyed me, I couldn't function properly, didn't eat or sleep it was horrible. At the time I thought I was wildly in love with her, but actually I was just obsessed with her (I've had this before with other girls by the way).

 

Actually the reason I really like being in the relationship I am now is because I don't have to spend my whole life fired up on adrenaline and dopamine, I can actually enjoy the fun times and appreciate the relationship for what it is, not some toxic madness.

 

I guess I've had a bit more time to think about it, and I think that probably seeing my ex was just a blip, I was surprised to see her and my body went a bit mental for a second, it will pass, 2 years from now I probably won't even notice her in a crowd unless I was stood right by her. I felt like I had betrayed by gf, which is why I mentioned breaking up, but there's no part of me that wants to break up with her, I was thinking 'how would I feel if she broke up with me' (which I think is always a good of whether you should end a relationship), and the answer is, I'd be mortified.

I think what you are describing is that you are turning into a maturing adult.

[takenawayfrom]

those chemicals facilitate bonding and are experienced as falling in love.

 

i am not in an obsessive toxic relationship. i am simply in love, which means i don't experience with any other human being the level of attraction i feel for my partner. i think most who are in love feel this way.

 

i don't mean to offend you. i just think that you are in a rebound relationship.

 

Well I'm not in love with my current gf, but I also definitely wasn't in love with my ex either (although at the time I thought I was). I've only been in love once before, and that relationship didn't start with any kind of insane infatuation either (just normal level excitement), but it grew over about 3 or so months to the point where I knew I was in love. I've been in a couple of other crazy infatuation type relationships, one died out and then we broke up because actually there was nothing really there, and the other was bit like the one with my ex only she moved away, tried long distance but ultimately drifted apart.

 

So I think basically the insane infatuation and love are kind of distinct, sure they can both happen, but when the infatuation ends you need to hope there's something more there. Basically, I don't think stupid hormone brain is very good at picking partners, but sometimes it might get lucky.

 

Anyway, obviously there needs to be some level of attraction and there totally is with me and my gf, I'm not in love with her, but I think I could fall in love with her, and there's enough of a spark to keep things exciting. I don't think I'm in a rebound, or at least if I am, its a rebound that could go the distance.

Edited July 27, 2016 by takenawayfrom

[joyful]

i hope that you are right that your relationship is not a rebound and that your current girlfriend is not helping to shield you from the real experience of loss and moving on from your ex. as you say in your thread title, you are not over her.

 

i also hope that you get to fall in love and experience it turning into something solid and long-lasting, which is what happens with the right person.

[Omei]

I don't think an adrenaline rush means you still have feelings , yeah it sounds more like an obsession.

 

I get an adrenaline rush just from seeing anyone in my past that's not supposed to be present lol even old friends.