am I justified to want another conversation with this man if I am going to meet him??

[chumly]

there is this man that I spoke with from a dating site for about 2 months when I was out of town. we never met. he wants to meet me but all kinds of things have gotten in the way to cause us to not be able to meet since I have been back. I am kind of on the fence about meeting him because he has said alot of things that put up red flags to me and indicate the kind of person he is...I am not saying that he is dangerous or anything but he has said things that indicate that he might think very differently than I do and might have different priorities in life. I am not sure if i think he is worthy of meeting...but I have not ruled out the idea either

 

anyway, he has not been feeling well so i asked him to call me if he is up to it. I dont want to call him because in the emails he said the medicine he is on is making him moody so I dont want to call him at a bad time. However, I just feel like we need to talk again if we are going to meet since we have not had a phone conversation in so long now ...I just want to get a better idea of where he is at if we are going to meet, I feel there is alot that can be picked up regarding a persons attitude via a phone call as opposed to an email ... anyway for some reason or another he keeps putting off calling me though. I also get the feeling that he is annoyed that I want to talk to him first before meeting since we spoke for a few months originally but like I said, we have not spoken on the phone in quite some time now so i just feel like a phone call is now in order again prior to meeting.

 

The question I have is ....am i right and justified to want to have another phone conversation prior to meeting since I am kind of on the fence about him and we have not spoken in so long? Or do I sound like I am procrastinating??

 

any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. thanks in advance.

Edited July 23, 2016 by chumly

[basil67]

I don't see this as a case of you being right or justified. It's more about wanting something different to him. And it's OK to want to talk again - and it's ok for him not to. Thing is, this is simply another gauge of your compatibility. Or non-compatibility as it so happens.

 

There's already a heap of red flags and now you can't agree on this. I wouldn't bother

[chumly]

I don't see this as a case of you being right or justified. It's more about wanting something different to him. And it's OK to want to talk again - and it's ok for him not to. Thing is, this is simply another gauge of your compatibility. Or non-compatibility as it so happens.

 

There's already a heap of red flags and now you can't agree on this. I wouldn't bother

 

thanks so much;) you make a very good point! i guess u r probably right about that. I get the feeling he is not going to call me anyway and at this point since I am so much on the fence about him I would prefer that he call me ...I also have the perfect excuse to have him call me since he is saying he is sick and moody due to the medicine.

 

I guess I am so shocked that he is not willing to at least try and call me again since he seems so very anxious to meet me. you would think if he is that curious to meet me he would try and call me on the phone as opposed to just sending emails. something about the whole thing does not add up.

 

anyway, thanks so much for the response on this.

[elaine567]

Are you desperate?

If not then why on earth are you trying to make something of this "relationship" which is clearly going nowhere.

His phone calls are disappointing as he has nothing to say and is as dull as ditchwater, he lives 2 hours away, he thinks very differently to you and is now too sick and moody to bother to call you...

[GemmaUK]

Something I have learned is to just trust my gut instinct - not to push it aside but to act upon it - it keeps me out of drama with drama filled men.

 

If he won't call you it's simple, don't meet him. cut contact now - your gut is telling you this right now - that is all the reassurance you need.

[chumly]

Something I have learned is to just trust my gut instinct - not to push it aside but to act upon it - it keeps me out of drama with drama filled men.

 

If he won't call you it's simple, don't meet him. cut contact now - your gut is telling you this right now - that is all the reassurance you need.

 

 

thanks so much for the great advice.. yes, that is very true..thanks;)

[chumly]

Are you desperate?

If not then why on earth are you trying to make something of this "relationship" which is clearly going nowhere.

His phone calls are disappointing as he has nothing to say and is as dull as ditchwater, he lives 2 hours away, he thinks very differently to you and is now too sick and moody to bother to call you...

 

wow! that is uncalled for and u r not even referring to the right person.

 

as my mom always says..if u have nothing nice to say than dont say anything at all. I would prefer that you dont respond to my posts please and i will do the same and not respond to yours..thanks

[elaine567]

wow! that is uncalled for and u r not even referring to the right person.

 

as my mom always says..if u have nothing nice to say than dont say anything at all. I would prefer that you dont respond to my posts please and i will do the same and not respond to yours..thanks

 

I apologise for not getting the person right, but he sounds so similar to the last one you posted about actually.

However I stand by my assertion that a person who is displaying red flags by your own admission, thinks very differently to you and doesn't want to bother calling you, is not great relationship material, is he?

Why are you putting yourself through this?

[Lois_Griffin]

Whether you like how Elaine worded it or not, she's RIGHT.

 

This guy sounds like a complete dead end. How much freakin' effort does it TAKE to call someone for 10 lousy minutes and interact with them on the most basic of human levels? Seriously, how much effort does it take?

 

If this fool can't even be motivated to do something that basic, he isn't worth meeting or bothering with.

[Zahara]

Elaine is right. Regardless of which guy you're talking about, you seem to attach and linger with men that aren't stepping up to the plate. If this guy is not the boring older man that lives two hours away, but another man that has shown you several red flags that are indicative of who you believe he is as a person and hardly has any interest in maintaining a connection in you -- you need to figure out why you're settling and why you need to desperately try so hard. Questioning your judgement when it's fairly evident as to what you need to do. You see red flags flying high, EVEN before you've met and you're still trying to breathe life into it? Why?

[Gaeta]

Chumly: Are you online scrapping the bottom of the barrel? Can't you find one normal local guy? Or are you one of these women who are attracted by the weird & unusual? how old are you? Why do you waste time on uninterested men, long distance men, older men..why?? Do you live under a rock in the middle of the desert that you cannot find just a regular well intentioned local joe blow to go on a date with?

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't know your history, but you already have misgivings about this guy, so don't contact him at all.

 

Are you justified? It doesn't matter what others may think on this matter, if YOU feel it necessary and it is reasonable (it is imho), then you should do it. Anyway, he doesn't sound like a good guy for you.

[chumly]

thanks for the added responses.

 

Elaine567..sorry, i did not mean to jump down your throat. i know u were only trying to help but it sounded a bit like an attack but i understand your point all the same.

 

simpleNfit...thanks, that does make sense. he may not have called because he is sick but i guess you are right..i should probably trust my instincts on him.i guess I am disappointed in a way because there were certain things i do like about him but if he cant garner the energy to call me then he is not worth it i guess. thanks

[chumly]

Elaine is right. Regardless of which guy you're talking about, you seem to attach and linger with men that aren't stepping up to the plate. If this guy is not the boring older man that lives two hours away, but another man that has shown you several red flags that are indicative of who you believe he is as a person and hardly has any interest in maintaining a connection in you -- you need to figure out why you're settling and why you need to desperately try so hard. Questioning your judgement when it's fairly evident as to what you need to do. You see red flags flying high, EVEN before you've met and you're still trying to breathe life into it? Why?

 

 

actually..this is a good question..i am not sure why i am still trying to breath life into it at this point. i guess because i am physically attracted to his pics and some of the romantic things he has said to me as stupid and shallow as that is to say. I wish i was not but i am and that can be a strong feeling that is hard to fight at times. I think if i could just find one interesting person to communicate with i would not have such issues like this.

[chumly]

Chumly: Are you online scrapping the bottom of the barrel? Can't you find one normal local guy? Or are you one of these women who are attracted by the weird & unusual? how old are you? Why do you waste time on uninterested men, long distance men, older men..why?? Do you live under a rock in the middle of the desert that you cannot find just a regular well intentioned local joe blow to go on a date with?

 

 

I dont know why i cant meet a local normal guy. maybe it is my age..i am 47 years old. perhaps the pickings are slim at my age. I do have certain things I am looking for and it seems like most of the locals that are my age and are also interested in me do not have those qualities. I am not very picky either but the qualities are regarding personality traits that i tend to mesh best with. it is a bit frustrating. perhaps my problem is that i dont try and respond to people..i wait for them to respond to me. maybe that is my mistake..maybe i need to start searching on my own and messaging people myself.

 

Thanks

[Zahara]

actually..this is a good question..i am not sure why i am still trying to breath life into it at this point. i guess because i am physically attracted to his pics and some of the romantic things he has said to me as stupid and shallow as that is to say. I wish i was not but i am and that can be a strong feeling that is hard to fight at times. I think if i could just find one interesting person to communicate with i would not have such issues like this.

 

With everything you said, it does read as desperation -- in that you will settle for anything just to have something. If you want to date, going in with this kind of mindset is dangerous because you'll likely break boundaries, which you likely don't even have established and attach to the wrong person.

 

Sometimes that desperate need to have a relationship and partner often blinds us and we then compromise our expectations and settle for less than we deserve. You should be going into dating with your own set of boundaries.

 

You've built an image/fantasy in your head based on photos and some romantic words. He has said "a lot of things" that have raised red flags and he has not been keen on communicating. Pay attention to the latter. It's your reality.

[chumly]

maybe i need to expand my way of meeting people..such as attending singles events, meetups, etc. my only way right now is online dating so maybe i really need to get out more.

 

these were actually really good questions that i need to ask myself so thanks everyone for giving me alot to think about.

 

Sorry again Elaine567..i guess the dose of truth that u gave me hurt. perhaps i am a bit desperate as much as i dont want to admit it.

 

Thanks again

[chumly]

With everything you said, it does read as desperation -- in that you will settle for anything just to have something. If you want to date, going in with this kind of mindset is dangerous because you'll likely break boundaries, which you likely don't even have established and attach to the wrong person.

 

Sometimes that desperate need to have a relationship and partner often blinds us and we then compromise our expectations and settle for less than we deserve. You should be going into dating with your own set of boundaries.

 

You've built an image/fantasy in your head based on photos and some romantic words. He has said "a lot of things" that have raised red flags and he has not been keen on communicating. Pay attention to the latter. It's your reality.

 

 

This is so true! thanks so much. i did build him up into a huge fantasy in my mind based on pics and videos but everytime i talked to him reality set in. you are so right..i need to focus on the reality and not the image i have in my mind of him that is not real. Thanks so much for the insight.

[elaine567]

maybe i need to expand my way of meeting people..such as attending singles events, meetups, etc. my only way right now is online dating so maybe i really need to get out more.

 

these were actually really good questions that i need to ask myself so thanks everyone for giving me alot to think about.

 

Sorry again Elaine567..i guess the dose of truth that u gave me hurt. perhaps i am a bit desperate as much as i dont want to admit it.

 

Thanks again

I didn't mean to attack you, I am sorry I hurt you, that was not my intention.

I just couldn't see why you were trying to date a man, who was so obviously not right for you.

[elaine567]

This is so true! thanks so much. i did build him up into a huge fantasy in my mind based on pics and videos but everytime i talked to him reality set in. you are so right..i need to focus on the reality and not the image i have in my mind of him that is not real. Thanks so much for the insight.

You are not the only one who does this, plenty people write love stories in their heads about people and then try make them fit, when it is pretty obvious to others they do not fit, it is very common.

I think we have all done it...

[chumly]

thanks Elaine567 for relating! I really appreciate it. yes, I definitely did this with this man...i built him up to be way more and he actually did the same with me as well but it seems like he might have came back down to the reality of me before i did with him.

 

I actually think there is something mentally wrong with him. he got carried away with writing poems for me and sweet talking me heavily and making me feel so special but i now think he probably does that to everyone. i think i got all caught up with the romance thing he was trying to sell to me but then he suddenly stopped but i just got so used to all the sweet talk and did not want it to end. ..but the reality is that he is really not a good person based on certain things he has said. i guess i need to keep reminding myself of that and focusing on that when i start to fantasize about him. Plus there are so many fishes in the sea. if i am going to fantasize about someone i should try and do so with someone nicer than him.

 

Thanks so much Elaine567 and sorry once again.

[Gaeta]

I dont know why i cant meet a local normal guy. maybe it is my age..i am 47 years old. perhaps the pickings are slim at my age. I do have certain things I am looking for and it seems like most of the locals that are my age and are also interested in me do not have those qualities. I am not very picky either but the qualities are regarding personality traits that i tend to mesh best with. it is a bit frustrating. perhaps my problem is that i dont try and respond to people..i wait for them to respond to me. maybe that is my mistake..maybe i need to start searching on my own and messaging people myself.

 

Thanks

 

Hon, a couple of months after turning 50 I met my current boyfriend. I thought too no one normal was left on the dating market. My boyfriend is so normal he is a breath of fresh air. DO not waste your time with men that have issues, you are not their mother, sister or nurse to fix them. Make a list of things you want in a man and drop the superficial sh$t, pick good qualities like reliable, trustworthy, hard working, healthy life style. If they don't have those basic qualities then drop them no matter how cute they can be. Like my mom used to say 'cute won't put food on the table'.

[chumly]

Hon, a couple of months after turning 50 I met my current boyfriend. I thought too no one normal was left on the dating market. My boyfriend is so normal he is a breath of fresh air. DO not waste your time with men that have issues, you are not their mother, sister or nurse to fix them. Make a list of things you want in a man and drop the superficial sh$t, pick good qualities like reliable, trustworthy, hard working, healthy life style. If they don't have those basic qualities then drop them no matter how cute they can be. Like my mom used to say 'cute won't put food on the table'.

 

thanks..that is inspiring to read! i actually dont really chase after looks myself..this one just happened to be nice looking..that is not the usual case with the ones i go for though..lol.

anyway,thanks for the advice and encouragement.

[Versacehottie]

The question I have is ....am i right and justified to want to have another phone conversation prior to meeting since I am kind of on the fence about him and we have not spoken in so long? Or do I sound like I am procrastinating??

 

any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. thanks in advance.

 

I think you are BOTH. You are both right and justified to want to talk to him again before meeting. However, you also have a tendency to be a reluctant dater who overthinks things to death. They don't have to be mutually exclusive.

 

I think that's why on your other thread, I was just pushing you to have a little adventure. That's what dating is and can be and lots won't turn out the way you had hoped, so it boils down to taking a chance. You can throw away every opportunity because you have a tendency to find red flags around every corner when in reality it's you trying to protect yourself from getting hurt and the "wrong" relationship. You just need to try sometimes. I think something along those lines is the best general advice to you. Push yourself onto that continuum where you are taking more risks than you are comfortable with. You have dialed down your comfort zone so narrow that it will be unlikely to find someone unless you open up (in general) and force yourself to take some risks. Like on your other thread. It was harmless; sounds like it resulted in a new friend, a great amount of self-confidence (which was my reason for encouraging it) and a nice hike. Nothing lost. However, you took almost a month (?) to go. Most guys aren't going to stick around if you hem and haw for so long in the future.

 

This newest dilemma is again, a long lead time. That said, I agree with basil67. It seems harmless to have another phone call before meeting up. And if he won't agree to do it, I think there may already be too much mistrust and hostility over trivial matters to make it worth any effort--which if you put yourself in his shoes, right or wrong, is probably his stance on it. For whatever reason, he's probably determined or decided that you are stringing him along or are taking too long to decide if you are going to meet up. Thus effectively killing the momentum he felt for you. This is why you need to be careful of letting your anxiety or debating minor things take over. Take a leap, go with a gut feeling and meet up quicker. As far as this guy, I sense incompatibility OR that his refusal to do the phone call indicates that it IS already too late. If I was in your shoes, I would move on from him specifically but learn the lesson here.

 

Good luck

[Gaeta]

I think you are BOTH. You are both right and justified to want to talk to him again before meeting. However, you also have a tendency to be a reluctant dater who overthinks things to death. They don't have to be mutually exclusive.

 

I think that's why on your other thread, I was just pushing you to have a little adventure. That's what dating is and can be and lots won't turn out the way you had hoped, so it boils down to taking a chance. You can throw away every opportunity because you have a tendency to find red flags around every corner when in reality it's you trying to protect yourself from getting hurt and the "wrong" relationship. You just need to try sometimes. I think something along those lines is the best general advice to you. Push yourself onto that continuum where you are taking more risks than you are comfortable with. You have dialed down your comfort zone so narrow that it will be unlikely to find someone unless you open up (in general) and force yourself to take some risks. Like on your other thread. It was harmless; sounds like it resulted in a new friend, a great amount of self-confidence (which was my reason for encouraging it) and a nice hike. Nothing lost. However, you took almost a month (?) to go. Most guys aren't going to stick around if you hem and haw for so long in the future.

 

This newest dilemma is again, a long lead time. That said, I agree with basil67. It seems harmless to have another phone call before meeting up. And if he won't agree to do it, I think there may already be too much mistrust and hostility over trivial matters to make it worth any effort--which if you put yourself in his shoes, right or wrong, is probably his stance on it. For whatever reason, he's probably determined or decided that you are stringing him along or are taking too long to decide if you are going to meet up. Thus effectively killing the momentum he felt for you. This is why you need to be careful of letting your anxiety or debating minor things take over. Take a leap, go with a gut feeling and meet up quicker. As far as this guy, I sense incompatibility OR that his refusal to do the phone call indicates that it IS already too late. If I was in your shoes, I would move on from him specifically but learn the lesson here.

 

Good luck

 

I think it's a beautiful advice Versacehottie and Chumly should apply it when the man appears to be worth that risk. In this case I don't think he is. Chumly is 47 so I assume he is late 40s maybe early 50s and he can't pick up the phone to call her? His medicine give him bad moods? god that's pathetic and weak! It's just a darn phone call. This man is full of emotional issues even before a first meeting. She needs a strong man that knows what he wants, she needs a gentleman that means what he says and says what he means. Not this man here. At our age we're suppose to have our sh$t together.