newheart Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I am going back and forth because I over-analyze everything (and I do mean everything!) and I struggle with determining what is overthinking, and what are legitimate concerns. But, we have been dating over 9 months, exclusively dating for over 8 months now, and I'm not sure he loves me. Back in February (you may recall because I posted about this) he said ILY during sex, and I didn't respond because I figured it was a slip. Also, it's because I was (am) terrified of it, if I am being honest. Then he said it two more times and I knew he was saying it on purpose, and I vowed to say it back the next time it happened, and it never did. I didn't have the courage to just tell him first myself, so I have been stupidly waiting ever since. (I know, I know) Since then he's said other things ("I'm crazy about you, I'm head over heels for you") and I didn't really respond to those either, though I have told him I am crazy about him also ... We have a good relationship. I spend time with his family frequently, and I adore them and it seems the feeling is mutual. I waited 6 months to introduce him to meet my kids (teenagers), and the last few months we've been gradually doing fun things together, and it is going great. We have the same interests, we don't fight, we have a good sex life, he makes me happy to just be around, he makes me laugh. I love him. What we might struggle with though, is communication, which is a problem/trigger for me. Despite not talking about it, when I am with him, I feel loved. He is caring and affectionate and thoughtful. But it bothers me that at this point, we haven't discussed our feelings or where we are headed. Or maybe we have (he tells me often that he misses me when we aren't together), and the feelings I am waiting for aren't really there. So, last weekend, I left him a love letter after he fell asleep. It was a little more than just about how I feel about him, I also shared that I have difficulty allowing myself to be vulnerable and that I overthink things, but these things are alleviated when I have clear communication and trust someone. It was hard for me to share that, but I felt I owed it to him. When he read it, he sent a text that he thinks we are heading in a good direction, he wants me to be happy and he does worry that I am not because I worry too much, and that we can talk about it but he wants me to know everything is okay. I (maybe stupidly) responded that I didn't write the letter with the expectation he'd respond to everything in it, I just wanted him to know these things about me, and am glad we are moving forward. I also said we could talk about it more when he wanted to. But, we haven't discussed it. We had one mid-week date night since and everything has been great, but there's been no mention of the letter or that I said I loved him. I intentionally did not bring up the letter because I felt like I put it out there, the ball is in his court and because I was only seeing him once this week, I just wanted to have a nice night. (Btw, it was much easier when the ball was in my court and I was just holding it, sigh. But, I am working on putting myself out there) Today, we have plans this afternoon and I am staying at his house tonight. I was so looking forward to this, and I was determined to just stay in the present, not overthink, and enjoy our night. Then, I got a text from one of my BFF's who said she feels that I am sweeping this under the rug, that it bothers her that he did not acknowledge my feelings in the letter. Now I am second guessing how I have handled this altogether. I mean, am I settling for less than I deserve? I figured that I too was at fault, I haven't been the best at how I communicated my feelings, so I was willing to give this more time before throwing in the towel. Now I don't know. Thoughts? Is his silence enough that I should just move on? Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Given your BFF concerns....what exactly did you say in this letter? Your reaction as you said you weren't expecting him to respond to everything. As s result the ball really isn't in his court. Without knowing what the details in this are, it's might be he is not sure how to even bring up the conversation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newheart Posted July 16, 2016 Author Share Posted July 16, 2016 Given your BFF concerns....what exactly did you say in this letter? Your reaction as you said you weren't expecting him to respond to everything. As s result the ball really isn't in his court. Without knowing what the details in this are, it's might be he is not sure how to even bring up the conversation. I wrote that I wanted him to understand that I have difficulty with vulnerability so I have to work extra hard to put myself out there, and that I tend to overanalyze things, but that with trust and communication it alleviates that. And, that I thought he was wonderful, handsome, smart, etc. and that I cared immensely for him, that I loved him. That it was scary to put all my flaws and feelings into one letter, but that he can embrace me for who I am or move on, but regardless he should know my feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 He did respond to your letter when he texted you back. Your reply to his text indicated that it wasn't something you felt needed to be discussed. Now he is behaving accordingly, and you are thinking of breaking up with him for it? You're making things impossible for the poor guy. If you're feeling the need to discuss these issues, then bring them up with him. Don't pretend you're uninterested in having the discussion, then punish him for not being a mind reader. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newheart Posted July 16, 2016 Author Share Posted July 16, 2016 He did respond to your letter when he texted you back. Your reply to his text indicated that it wasn't something you felt needed to be discussed. Now he is behaving accordingly, and you are thinking of breaking up with him for it? You're making things impossible for the poor guy. If you're feeling the need to discuss these issues, then bring them up with him. Don't pretend you're uninterested in having the discussion, then punish him for not being a mind reader. True - and I feel like I think about doing things like this a lot, so I appreciate your honesty. I should add/clarify though - I texted that I didn't write the letter with any expectation that he had to respond to it, but I also wrote that I can "explain more (about why I am the way I am) whenever he wants to talk about it" ... so, this is something that my therapist suggested, that I explain specifically to him why I have relationship anxiety. I haven't been ready up until now, and maybe I left it too open. But I guess you are right, re-reading the texts ... am I expecting too much or not clear? Even in the absence of telling him I want to discuss it though, I guess if he felt the same about me, he would have said so ... Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Whoops I need to go back and re-read your original post, just quickly skimmed BUT I would say that you should live for yourself--not what your BFF thinks. Friends can be well-meaning but that doesn't mean you need to follow their advice or take their opinions as gospel. Do you. Good luck. *also it's tough if you are an overthinker to get advice from too many people, places, etc. Pick two of your friends max to advise you. Doesn't need to be your BFF. Choose the more solid, reliable ones who can process info well. It may take you some time to learn but you will not be doing yourself any favors to just let friends in on all details of your love life and in head debating. With every bit of advice you receive, consider the source, tone and background from whence it comes Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 It's unlikely he would have said he loved you three times if he didn't mean it. It just seems like you guys haven't gotten very comfortable with expressing your feelings to each other verbally. You've been together long enough that you should be able to bring these things up with him. You don't need to worry about whose ball the court is on. If it's on your mind and you want to talk about it, I think you should bring it up. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author newheart Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 It's unlikely he would have said he loved you three times if he didn't mean it. It just seems like you guys haven't gotten very comfortable with expressing your feelings to each other verbally. You've been together long enough that you should be able to bring these things up with him. You don't need to worry about whose ball the court is on. If it's on your mind and you want to talk about it, I think you should bring it up. Good luck! Thanks, Devilish. Being/getting comfortable is something I am working on, so it is really difficult for me to bring it up. I am hoping that I can, eventually, and just enjoy the relationship in the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newheart Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Whoops I need to go back and re-read your original post, just quickly skimmed BUT I would say that you should live for yourself--not what your BFF thinks. Friends can be well-meaning but that doesn't mean you need to follow their advice or take their opinions as gospel. Do you. Good luck. *also it's tough if you are an overthinker to get advice from too many people, places, etc. Pick two of your friends max to advise you. Doesn't need to be your BFF. Choose the more solid, reliable ones who can process info well. It may take you some time to learn but you will not be doing yourself any favors to just let friends in on all details of your love life and in head debating. With every bit of advice you receive, consider the source, tone and background from whence it comes Good luck Great point! I've involved four friends in this situation, and all four gave pretty different advice, and yet here I am searching for more! lol! The BFF who said these things also happens to not have had the best track record/healthiest relationships (which is why I felt comfortable talking to her about it) but I should keep this in mind. When I told her how her criticism made me feel, she apologized and said that wasn't her intent, and said she just didn't want me to blame lack of communication only on myself because I view myself as 'damaged', and I appreciate that. However, when I texted her back, she never responded. Anyway, I think it is a good thing for me to take a break from involving her at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
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