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My BF apologizes all the time for every little thing


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I was wondering if some of you have dated or are in relationship with someone that apologizes all-the-time! I hear I am sorry at least 5 times a day and I barely exaggerate.

 

Sometimes he says he is sorry and I don't even know why. I'll ask him what he's sorry for and I'll get : I don't know, I just apologize in advance for the next thing I'll do that deserves a sorry.

 

Last night we watched a movie and it ended up being a little too gore for me and had to turn my head a few times. It was Jeepers Creepers, as you see it's nothing to get scared over but I am easily pooffed. This morning he offered me a heart-felt apology for imposing this movie on me, he said he's so sorry, he's insensitive and it won't happen again.

 

He did not impose anything on me. We were 3 adults (him, me, my daughter) and we picked that movie together. My daughter laughed at me for being scared while my bf was torn by guilt.

 

A few times I asked him to stop apologizing for everything. He says Yes, sorry I apologize all the time.

 

He has not been like this since start. I can't pinpoint when it started but it seems it's getting more intense as our relationship grows (7 months now)

 

Anyone has anything to share?

 

Thanks!

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I'm like that myself. You'll hear me saying "sorry" many times a day in real life. But it's not like I'm so super sorry, it's just some stupid polite habit. I also say "thanks" for every little thing. Most of the times I'm unaware of it. Never experienced anyone making it into a big deal though.

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I'm like that myself. You'll hear me saying "sorry" many times a day in real life. But it's not like I'm so super sorry, it's just some stupid polite habit. I also say "thanks" for every little thing. Most of the times I'm unaware of it. Never experienced anyone making it into a big deal though.

 

I associate it with him feeling bad about something. I apologize when I know I was out of line and I need to recognize my fault. It's not a nice feeling when you realize you need to apologize. To me he is carrying this feeling all the time so how can he be happy with constantly feeling he did something wrong.

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I'm like that myself. You'll hear me saying "sorry" many times a day in real life. But it's not like I'm so super sorry, it's just some stupid polite habit.
forgot

 

So you won't call your bf the following day to apologize about your bad choice of movie right? it's a silly little word you throw left and right. In his case they are official apologies.

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SwordofFlame

If he says sorry that many times, doesn't the word lose its meaning? I'm not sure he actually feels guilty of anything all the time. Maybe it's just his way of being polite like saying thanks all the time.

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He's submissive to you.

 

I don't think so. He makes his own decisions, he does as he wishes when he wishes, he got his own life, friends, hobbies, plans. And I cannot 'tell him' what to do. That approach does not work with him so I doubt he is submissive to me. He has no problem telling me no if it does not sit well with him.

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My mother noticed me doing that during my marriage. Apologizing all the time for the least little thing.

 

In my case, I was screwing up and knew it. I was far from submissive. Domineering and insecure, if anything. Too young and immature to be married. Didn't have the proper tools to cope so I guess I tried to compensate for it by being a "nice guy".

 

I don't know what this guy's deal is, but I do know being super nice and apologetic doesn't fix it.

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forgot

 

So you won't call your bf the following day to apologize about your bad choice of movie right? it's a silly little word you throw left and right. In his case they are official apologies.

 

Oh ok. No, not that extreme. I'd just say sorry for bumbing in, probouncing words wrong etc etc, but for me it's just a word similar to "oops". Your bf sounds too apologetic though. Like he's so damn afraid of losing you and is a bit co-dependant.

I remember calling my ex next day apologizing after not wanting sex and similar. But at that time I was insecure and he was dominating/patronizing. Maybe you're on the dominative side too and he feels weak?

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I don't think so. He makes his own decisions, he does as he wishes when he wishes, he got his own life, friends, hobbies, plans. And I cannot 'tell him' what to do. That approach does not work with him so I doubt he is submissive to me. He has no problem telling me no if it does not sit well with him.

 

Oh, nvm my question then

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My mother noticed me doing that during my marriage. Apologizing all the time for the least little thing.

 

In my case, I was screwing up and knew it. I was far from submissive. Domineering and insecure, if anything. Too young and immature to be married. Didn't have the proper tools to cope so I guess I tried to compensate for it by being a "nice guy".

 

I don't know what this guy's deal is, but I do know being super nice and apologetic doesn't fix it.

 

If you don't mind asking what was your relationship like with your mother?

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I don't think so. He makes his own decisions, he does as he wishes when he wishes, he got his own life, friends, hobbies, plans. And I cannot 'tell him' what to do. That approach does not work with him so I doubt he is submissive to me. He has no problem telling me no if it does not sit well with him.

 

Just going by what you've said here and elsewhere.

 

I think you're in charge ;)

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With a lot of people saying I'm sorry too much is seen as flippant, insincere, because a full apology requires many more elements than just those two words, such as acceptance of responsibility, an expression of genuine remorse, an offer to make amends, and an excuse-free explanation.

There is something else behind it because saying sorry too much trivializes the act of apology, making the important ones carry less weight. There is something about your dynamic with each other that makes him believe that you NEED to be apologized too.

 

Why what J stated is valid to a degree.

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juniorrocha
A few times I asked him to stop apologizing for everything. He says Yes, sorry I apologize all the time.

 

hahaha had a good laugh!

 

Well, I don't really like when someone says sorry too much. It seems like it has no deep meaning into it. So if someday he actually screw up, how would his apologies even sound serious if he's so used to saying sorry for anything? Maybe in his previous relationship he felt the need to apologize too much and has brought it over?

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Just going by what you've said here and elsewhere.

 

I think you're in charge ;)

 

:D but I would never let him know that...

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It could also be partly cultural. I'm guessing he's Canadian?

 

We are of different culture. I am French Canadian, he was raised in France but born in Caribbean.

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With a lot of people saying I'm sorry too much is seen as flippant, insincere, because a full apology requires many more elements than just those two words, such as acceptance of responsibility, an expression of genuine remorse, an offer to make amends, and an excuse-free explanation.

There is something else behind it because saying sorry too much trivializes the act of apology, making the important ones carry less weight. There is something about your dynamic with each other that makes him believe that you NEED to be apologized too.

 

Why what J stated is valid to a degree.

 

Interesting.

 

We have never had an argument in 7 months dating so I don't know how he would handle a real negative issue.

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If you don't mind asking what was your relationship like with your mother?

 

My mother and I are a lot alike. Deeply passionate and intense. My mother is a perfectionist and is really demanding and dominant. Has really high standards/expectations and usually gets what she wants.

 

My mother and I love each other. We get along. No disrespect either way. But, even today, I can only take my mother in small doses. Not because we don't love each other, but because she is so ... herself. And I have to set appropriate boundaries to keep my sanity.

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We have never had an argument in 7 months dating

do you think it's a good thing?

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My mother and I are a lot alike. Deeply passionate and intense. My mother is a perfectionist and is really demanding and dominant. Has really high standards/expectations and usually gets what she wants.

 

My mother and I love each other. We get along. No disrespect either way. But, even today, I can only take my mother in small doses. Not because we don't love each other, but because she is so ... herself. And I have to set appropriate boundaries to keep my sanity.

 

How coincidental that he also had a demanding and dominant mother (even cruel at times) Like you he loves her very much but he can only deal with her little dosage at a time.

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he also had a demanding and dominant mother (even cruel at times)

This is the answer. Emotional abuse.

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do you think it's a good thing?

 

I am not sure it's a good thing but so far we have no reason to rock the boat. We spend a lot of time together at least 6 days a week and nothing came up so far that justified an argument.

 

I saw him lose patience for the very first time last night when he was trying to fix a camping mattress and my dog kept rolling all over it. My bf let out a big sigh of frustration and said nothing but the expression on is face was speaking a million words lol. It was the very first time I saw him expressing a type of frustration.

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How coincidental that he also had a demanding and dominant mother (even cruel at times) Like you he loves her very much but he can only deal with her little dosage at a time.

 

That might be a clue.

 

He's really demanding and dominant like his mother, but he's trying to rein it in by seeming nice and apologetic.

 

Apparently, a lesson learned from previous relationships. My parents have been married for over 50 years because my father is even more dominant. With a regular person, that personality destroys relationships. As I can attest.

 

What I had to learn to do was to communicate openly and handle conflicts without being destructive. I didn't have that ability at 22 years old. Took me years of struggle to learn.

 

Being the strong woman you are may be just what he needs. Maybe you can get him to open up and be himself without the fear of driving you away. But, that may take learning some new skills.

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I had an employee many years ago that used to do that and also would say stuff like "Hey, I've got a stupid question"

 

It was all related to his self esteem, he was in an abusive relationship.. very abusive.. his wife used to call him stupid and names all the time.

 

I fixed it by telling him, "no question is stupid" ask me anything at anytime.

 

As far as him apologizing times a day, I used to just be frank.. "no need to apologize.. hey around here there are no mistakes being made that anybody will get into trouble for"

I would on occasion say "stop apologizing"

 

It did take a year or so for him to stop doing it, he was with my company almost 17 years...

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