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Revelation


Daisy-oliviaWentcher

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

I just wanted people to read this and not judge but I think I have come to some sort of revelation

 

I just got a message from a guy whose been single for three years. I like men who have been single for a long time, me too, I just prefer dating men who have had long chuncks of singleness, I feel more comfortable and it's what I prefer, rather than a guy whose spent only six months at the least single and then " hey you wanna date" I just don't like it. It's just my preference.

 

So I really liked this guy, we dated for a few months hit it off and really, really liked each other. And then after we got all naked together early on, you guessed it, he grew distant, I got confused, he said we shouldn't have gotten together like this so early, I agreed but I liked him... in the end I felt he was growing further and further apart from me and I pretty much told him get you **** together ( i said this in a more diplomatic way) until your ready to resume what we have together

 

Just recently he text me to say he met someone else and just got together with her.

 

My heart sunk

 

I never felt like this for anyone in such a long time

 

And then I felt this weird thing that takes place when ever I have experienced rejection...

 

A hardened heart.. I want to be hard, tougher, stronger, more resilient.

 

 

It began to hurt so bad that I resolved to never let myself feel that strongly ever again. That fragile, blown glass heart of mine that’s been shattered and pieced back together again too many times starts to become harder. Tougher. Stronger, More resilient

 

Because I guess I was embarrassed and even embarrassed by my naivety and sensitivity. Part of me even believes in true love, but when i feel the pangs of rejection, I want to take it all back and become stronger and harder in my heart so I don't fall in love again.

 

When I was with him, i felt alive again like I was chosen and I could prove to the world and myself that I was loveable. It felt really good to be someone's. But when that heartbreak happens, I feel like I have foolishly invested in someone only to wish I never invested in someone in the first place.

 

I would like to think there is nothing wrong with me. So many " how to get the guy to chase you" kinda books on kindle sorta remind woman to play hard to get, to act indifferent to a guy to get him to be crazy in love with you. But I have never been good at games and I fail miserably every time I play them.

 

I have two questions: To effectively not go into the extremes of " I want to harden my heart as to not fall in love again" because that is a temptation and I know it isn't right but what do I do, when I feel like I want to do just that

 

and do men like sensitive woman? a bit naieve and sweet and tender? I have felt embarrassed by my tender heart and I have always felt that If I wear it on my sleeve it will get taken advantaged and trampled on.

Edited by Daisy-oliviaWentcher
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Love is like tennis game. You hit the ball and than it's his turn. You can be sweet, but if he ain't sweet to you... it's no match. Hard to get doesn't work on the long term.

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stillafool

The only way to harden your heart against men is to stay away from them. Don't date or talk to them. Are you willing to do that?

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher
The only way to harden your heart against men is to stay away from them. Don't date or talk to them. Are you willing to do that?

 

you can date for sure and still have a hard heart. Be distrusting and resort back to that programmed response of " i did something to **** it up" and go back into dating and be thinking subconsiously all men are blank. I continue to date and talk to men sure. I just feel every fiber in me wanting to be a little hard! you know?

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How long did you date exactly?

When did you have sex for the first time in the relationship?

Were you exclusive?

How many times a week did you see each other?

And he lost all interest after having sex that first time?

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todreaminblue

its the world that doesnt appreciate tender hearts from either sex.....certain people dont prescribe to the world view though...they are out there....nurture your tender heart..save it for a like minded soul..who appreciates a gentle heart such as you..get to know them first...to decide if that appreciation is true.....deb

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher
How long did you date exactly?

When did you have sex for the first time in the relationship?

Were you exclusive?

How many times a week did you see each other?

And he lost all interest after having sex that first time?

 

 

we dated for 2 months he lived outta town. He called me his girlfriend so I am guessing it was official right?

 

We didn't see each other too much because he lived in another city to me, he now lives in the same city

 

And I feel like he lost interest after the sex. The sex was great! I liked everything about it and so did he! but then he said he felt " overwhelmed" and that we should take some time to get know each other first.

So we did, but everytime I was on the phone to him I felt like he was being distant and i found that difficult

 

then when he moved to my city he text me to tell me he had found someone new here.

 

yeah it sux

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TaraMaiden2

I strongly suspect he was 2-timing you.

His distance from you was merely a move closer to her.

 

Basically, he was a low-life and I think it's an absolute tragedy and crying shame that you permit a person of this calibre to re-define how you approach relationships, and how you restructure your loving heart and attractive and affectionate nature.

 

He's the flawed one, not you.

He's the damaged and flaky, irreparable nasty piece of work.

 

I'm sorry you went through that, and as is usual with people of this kind, I'm sorry he fooled you and lied to you.

 

But don't change the calibre of your character, due to your dealings with such a person.

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we dated for 2 months he lived outta town. He called me his girlfriend so I am guessing it was official right?

 

We didn't see each other too much because he lived in another city to me, he now lives in the same city

 

And I feel like he lost interest after the sex. The sex was great! I liked everything about it and so did he! but then he said he felt " overwhelmed" and that we should take some time to get know each other first.

So we did, but everytime I was on the phone to him I felt like he was being distant and i found that difficult

 

then when he moved to my city he text me to tell me he had found someone new here.

 

yeah it sux

 

I have this strong impression that he played you.

 

You were long distance so you didn't see each other on regular basis in those 2 months. How many times? 3 maybe 4 dates?

 

He called you his girlfriend but never had an exclusivity talk? That tells me it was a move to make you feel at ease to better play you. A man that wants to be exclusive is not going to insinuate you are his girlfriend, he will ask you to be his girlfriend and he will make sure he is your only guy.

 

There is nothing wrong with you. You put your trust in the wrong people. I understand that, I was wanting to meet 'the one' so bad that I also gave my trust to untrusty men. Many untrusty men. I am sure he dropped all types of red flags along the way and you over looked them because you liked him, again not pointing the finger at you, I have been there too.

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we dated for 2 months he lived outta town. He called me his girlfriend so I am guessing it was official right?

 

We didn't see each other too much because he lived in another city to me, he now lives in the same city

 

And I feel like he lost interest after the sex. The sex was great! I liked everything about it and so did he! but then he said he felt " overwhelmed" and that we should take some time to get know each other first.

So we did, but everytime I was on the phone to him I felt like he was being distant and i found that difficult

 

then when he moved to my city he text me to tell me he had found someone new here.

 

yeah it sux

 

Geez another commitment/relationship phobe.

 

It's becoming an epidemic I swear....

 

I am sure he will eventually find something wrong with new girl too.... if there even IS a new girl.

 

Probably just an excuse.

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Maybe this is a little bit rude but here is what could have happened aswell:

 

He did not really enjoy the sex, maybe he is dating multiple girls and he is more sexually attracted to another girl.

 

 

Recently after my break up I've had sex with another girl aswell. For her it was amazing. For me, it really sucked. People all have different expectations about sex. It's not because you match completely in talking/emotions that you match in sex.

 

He ran away from you after this first time sex, so probably there is something wrong there.

 

I don't say that you are bad in bed. I just think that he didn't feel the chemistry that he felt in the past when having sex with a girl towards who he feels something.

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Don't view your heart as something that stiffens and toughens, but something that is capable of withstanding a blow and after enough time to heal your feelings, it is once again malleable and willing to grow to embrace love once again.

 

Also, don't put your heart in the position where unearned errors on your part cause it to take blows. Let your head lead you more than your heart and don't be afraid of opening your mouth to ask for what you want or for clarity.

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Yes, if you wear your heart on your sleeve, there will be those who will just take advantage of it and know how to use it just to get sex if that's all they want. But not everyone. In general, I've just found that most men are scared off by a woman who likes them too soon just as a woman is by a man who does. I think that's mostly an instinctual reaction, but it is grounded in logic. If you fall in love without getting to know the person, it's just you in love with the ideal in your head that you're projecting onto them in whole or in part. It's best to be a little reserved about revealing feelings until you can tell without asking that they are reciprocated.

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I was chosen and I could prove to the world and myself that I was loveable. It felt really good to be someone's.

 

Here is the crux of the problem for you. Now I'm not judging it was also the crux of the problem for me. Until you go back and find that little kid that was rejected or just not unconditionally loved by the parent, all other relationships are just a replay of that same rejection over and over. You said it yourself, you are trying to prove you are worthy of love. Where do you think you learned that you weren't? An emotionally absent parent is my guess. It does not have to be an emotionally absent father either, whoever was the primary caregiver is very likely the one that broke your heart.

 

I have two questions: To effectively not go into the extremes of " I want to harden my heart as to not fall in love again" because that is a temptation and I know it isn't right but what do I do, when I feel like I want to do just that

 

This is a very bad idea. I did this and ended up with severe anxiety a decade down the track. Trust me, suppression of that desire to be loved is not an option. Healing the original heartbreak is.

 

and do men like sensitive woman? a bit naieve and sweet and tender? I have felt embarrassed by my tender heart and I have always felt that If I wear it on my sleeve it will get taken advantaged and trampled on.

 

Again, go back to the beginning and find that moment where you presented your tender heart in total openess and trust and had it trampled upon. That is the source of your shame, not who you are as a person. Yes absolutely the right man will love that about you. But until this point you have very likely been dating your parent in the guise of a man. That experience recently where he actually texted you just to point out he doesn't love you. What a cruel move! But I'm betting it's a reflection of something that happened to you very early in life.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

I think for me my dad has an explosive temper. Telling me to this day how selfish I am, how much of a disappointed I am. As a little girl I remember him yelling me about eating my mom as well out of house and home. Till this day, I sometimes skip meals, having a weird relationship with food, and sometimes afraid to eat in front of people. My first boyfriend never really had a problem with me eating so little, and with so many guys at the time of my youth telling me how hot "skinny" girls were, I never really questioned about weather their standards or ideas about beauty were unhealthy. I assumed what they liked was normal and by me eating less and less and less was a sign that I was doing something to please my boyfriend, my boyfriend's friends and even my dad.

 

No one said anything or complained. Instead people congratulated me on losing so much weight, so till this day, I am still afraid of my dad. He yelled at me not so while ago, I winced and I thought he was going to hit me. Next day he gave me 500 dollars. Very confusing.

 

So for my relationships with guys, I have learnt to be as pleasing as you can as accommodating as you can, I've found it's hard to relax and be yourself when I am afraid they would prefer someone else. When I get rejected my heart stiffens because I got rejected by investing in someone thinking they would be different and they would be around a lot longer than some of the others. But it hasn't been the first time i have had a text message from a guy whose ended things on a text message. But as weird as this sounds, deep down, i already think it isn't going to last, I have seen this pattern replay and replay and replay. I'm more shocked when a guy DOES like me, because I am thinking why? and when is he going to end it?

 

I think rejection hurts us more than anyone would like to admit. In small ways or big ways, coupled with long term singleness, it makes it hard for me to believe that men are genuine and that they really do like me.

 

After every " breakup" or disappointment, I usually get stressed out and stop eating for a few days. I don't know why.

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I have learnt to be as pleasing as you can as accommodating as you can, I've found it's hard to relax and be yourself when I am afraid they would prefer someone else. When I get rejected my heart stiffens because I got rejected by investing in someone thinking they would be different and they would be around a lot longer than some of the others. But it hasn't been the first time

 

This is a pattern. It is in play because you have not resolved the issues that puts all this negativity into play.

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Daisy - you don't need to get "hard" - you need to get realistic and set up your boundaries then stick to them.

 

I know it sounds terrible but the last few guys I have been with I have not allowed myself to get overly attached or start thinking too much about it.

 

My current Beau I am very very fond of. He is just the sort of chap I have been looking for and we drive each other wild in the sack. Do I know him? Not yet. Has enough time passed for him to show his true colours? Not yet.

 

Even though its all good it doesn't mean that it is going to work out...

 

So I guess I am just letting him slowly grow on me while I use him for sex ;)

 

Oh I am open and honest. I am not seeing anyone else, I have no desire to either but fact is most budding relationship go to pot within a month or so. What I do is just keep them at an emotional arms length. That way I am just a bit glum for a few days when they disappear rather than sobbing into my pillow.

 

Keep your own council. Don't let your emotions run away with you. Be realistic, be honest with yourself and enjoy these things for what they are.

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So I guess I am just letting him slowly grow on me while I use him for sex ;)

 

 

Now if a guy does this to you'll be the first one moaning and crying.

 

Daisy, I have been single for over eight years and the problem is that I am so used to being single that I cannot fathom being in a relationship. I cannot see myself ever adjusting to life in a relationship, the loss of independence, the loss of freedom, the sense of being vulnerable, the sense of having to rely on someone else. None of that appeals to me and I have met other men who are also long-term singletons and we openly admit between us that we prefer being single and that we'll probably never change. We're too used to being on our own and we all seem genuinely content with our decision.

 

I think if you want the kind of relationship you do then you need to go for men who do date a lot, who have had relationships. Those men lack independent, they lack the desire for total freedom outside of work, they have no problems relying on someone else to help them go through life. Those men I think would give you an easier time.

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I think for me my dad has an explosive temper. Telling me to this day how selfish I am, how much of a disappointed I am.

 

I am still afraid of my dad. He yelled at me not so while ago, I winced and I thought he was going to hit me. Next day he gave me 500 dollars. Very confusing.

 

Well then. It's not big mystery as to why you seem to have this pattern with men. You mention you try and be as pleasing as possible. That's not a good thing btw, because it's not the authentic you. It's that little girl terrified of her dad and wanting to win his approval. Whether we think others can sense this or not, doesn't matter. They usually do and do you know who's attracted to little scared girls? Bully men. :( because little girls are easy to control and they give them a sense of power they are lacking.

 

I think rejection hurts us more than anyone would like to admit. In small ways or big ways, coupled with long term singleness, it makes it hard for me to believe that men are genuine and that they really do like me.

 

After every " breakup" or disappointment, I usually get stressed out and stop eating for a few days. I don't know why.

 

Rejection does hurt, a lot, especially when it comes from your own father. But you can never get his approval by seeking it in other men. My guess is, you hold enormous fear of men in general because your dad demonstrated rejection towards you coupled with terrifying episodes of explosive anger. Giving you money is just his way of washing his guilt away. Your dad probably does not act this way consciously, it's very likely he is a carbon copy of his own father. He probably even thinks he's a good dad. But the fact is, it's affected your ability to have decent relationships with all men.

 

If I were you, I'd seek out some kind of treatment for this fear and early programming. You won't escape it by seeking out more men. You will just keep attracting or being attracted to, men who will bully and reject you.

Edited by Buddhist
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Now if a guy does this to you'll be the first one moaning and crying.

 

Actually they have. No I didn't cry. They have just faded into insignificance. I struggle to remember a couple of their names and I have by no means slept around since being single.

 

There is a difference between being practical about matters of the heart and being closed.

 

I am practical but open to finding love. A guy that is a flash in the pan is simply not going to do it for me. So it is going to take several months before I am going to start really feeling anything for him. Oh they may think I do because I am naturally a happy go lucky person and can be an absolute darling. But I can honestly say the last few? Yes I have been a bit "meh" about. More because of the loss of hope rather than the loss of the man. No tears have been shed at all for any of them.

 

If its any consolation I am looking for a man where I do not loose my freedom, independence and where I remain confident and capable. I want to retain that about myself.

 

There are all kinds of folks out there. Some men who date around a lot are just like you but they fool themselves into thinking they want/ need a woman in their lives. There are men who hardly date at all but who want a woman to be part of their lives.

 

Personally I look for other qualities. Reliability, stability, availability, attitude.

 

Reliability - Do they do what they say. Do they make an effort and is that consistent

Stability - What drama is going on? Do they enjoy it? Do they cause it as entertainment? Are they suddenly going to flip or fly off the handle?

Availability - Are they available to date? No other lurkers/ other women about. Are they wanting and in a good place to start a new relationship?

Attitude - Are they positive and forward thinking? Do they have any "ism's" that I need to be aware of...

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