Am I Being Led On?

[PersonaPersona]

Hey everyone, I'm going to try to explain this in the best way I can to avoid misunderstandings. I am genuinely asking for advice here so I don't waste my time nor this guy's time. I am 18 and this guy is 28.

 

So, two months ago, I met this guy on Grindr (I know, I know), and immediately I told him I wasn't the type of guy who hooks up and that rather I was looking for dates. He said he was the same way. After a week of talking, we finally decided to meet/go on our first date. Despite the age difference, it was great, we met up at a local coffee shop and sat down and talked, got to know each other, and went home. We went on several dates after that (still going on dates to this day), and haven't had full on sex yet. We've just fooled around a bit. We haven't introduced each other to each other's friends or family.

 

The thing is, I'm really starting to like this guy. So much that I want things to get a little bit more serious like a commitment. The problem is that whenever I even hint about something serious, he either changes the subject, says nothing, or kisses me. At first, it bothered me because he wouldn't really respond, but I gave him the time to think about it. I'm not really one to waste someone's time if we're not wanting the same things. But to this day, we haven't had a conversation about what we're seeing long term, or about meeting friends or family (aka next steps). I feel like if I do bring up those things too much, it'll only push him away.

 

The age difference doesn't bother me though, at all. We're both at the same maturity level to interact with each other without it being weird. Like I said before, I thought it was going to be weird at first. I quickly got over it though. On the other hand, he constantly makes jokes about him being old. At first, I thought it was funny. But now, I'm starting to think he feels odd about it. I don't know. Maybe I'm over thinking this.

 

Also, I don't think he's ever been in a serious relationship before. I don't know much about his past relationships, but from what I've gotten, they were just him being with someone and going out on dates, and with time, the other person slowly flaked out on him and they stopped talking.

 

Should I give him more time? Or should I be upfront right now?

Edited May 25, 2016 by PersonaPersona

[Buddhist]

The problem is that whenever I even hint about something serious, he either changes the subject, says nothing, or kisses me.

 

He's avoiding the subject because he knows you are not both on the same page.

 

I feel like if I do bring up those things too much, it'll only push him away.

 

Because you know he's not on the same as you but you just don't want to face it. If you need a strategy then you know, something isn't going to work.

 

We're both at the same maturity level to interact with each other without it being weird. Like I said before, I thought it was going to be weird at first. I quickly got over it though. On the other hand, he constantly makes jokes about him being old. At first, I thought it was funny. But now, I'm starting to think he feels odd about it. I don't know. Maybe I'm over thinking this.

 

Well this is worrisome really. I'm sure you're a really mature 18yr old but he shouldn't be on your level at 28! Honestly there should be a maturity gap here with a ten year difference. If there isn't it says very bad things about his maturity level. I doubt he feels odd about it, what you're seeing there is his relative maturity. Which isn't much.

 

Should I give him more time? Or should I be upfront right now?

 

How much of your life do you want to waste? Because I can guarantee this guy has no intentions of being serious with you. He's not even willing to have a conversation about it.

[smudge21]

He is older than you, but 28 is still not old, so he should drop that. As for what he wants, well only he knows that, but from what you've said, it does sound like he's just enjoying the honeymoon period and doesn't want to focus on the future - just wants to live in the present. Whereas you want to know where this is going. I'm guessing you want full commitment and you're worried he may not want that. You can really only talk to him. We can only second guess based on what you tell us, but for a definite answer, you need to get serious with him and find out. It's only been a few months though and maybe it's still too soon for some to start thinking of long term - some of us take longer than others to decide whether to settle down or not. Maybe also he feels you, at only 18, may not be serious about settling down. Basically, there's lots you need to talk about.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think he feels a lot more uncomfortable about the age difference than you do.

I also think there's an element of "What will the neighbours say?" in his thinking.

How will his family and colleagues react when they find out he's dating a teenager?

 

You sound mature, level-headed and eminently sensible.

But you're still a teenager, and in the eyes of dispassionate observers, this sounds off....

 

Furthermore, I would urge you to not make any hasty decisions.

 

Read this.

 

It's not a criticism, I'm not condemning you, but it's biological fact. And that's fine.

It's just worth paying attention to (even if, as has been proven time and again, girls mature emotionally far more quickly than guys do).

From his PoV, there's a lot at stake, and he's back-pedalling I suspect, because of all the implications.

[PersonaPersona]

He's avoiding the subject because he knows you are not both on the same page.

 

 

 

Because you know he's not on the same as you but you just don't want to face it. If you need a strategy then you know, something isn't going to work.

 

 

 

Well this is worrisome really. I'm sure you're a really mature 18yr old but he shouldn't be on your level at 28! Honestly there should be a maturity gap here with a ten year difference. If there isn't it says very bad things about his maturity level. I doubt he feels odd about it, what you're seeing there is his relative maturity. Which isn't much.

 

 

 

How much of your life do you want to waste? Because I can guarantee this guy has no intentions of being serious with you. He's not even willing to have a conversation about it.

 

I guess I worded it wrong. I'm trying to clarify here that I'm at a level of maturity where him and I can hold conversations without it going silent because I'm weirded out or there's a major difference between us. I do not mean it at all that his maturity levels are the same as a teenager's, because it definitely isn't. I'm turning 19 in a two weeks, I know where most of the people my age are at mentally. He's not there. We're both are into similar things, we can hold conversation. Try not to think about stereotypical teenager here.

[PersonaPersona]

I think he feels a lot more uncomfortable about the age difference than you do.

I also think there's an element of "What will the neighbours say?" in his thinking.

How will his family and colleagues react when they find out he's dating a teenager?

 

You sound mature, level-headed and eminently sensible.

But you're still a teenager, and in the eyes of dispassionate observers, this sounds off....

 

Furthermore, I would urge you to not make any hasty decisions.

 

Read this.

 

It's not a criticism, I'm not condemning you, but it's biological fact. And that's fine.

It's just worth paying attention to (even if, as has been proven time and again, girls mature emotionally far more quickly than guys do).

From his PoV, there's a lot at stake, and he's back-pedalling I suspect, because of all the implications.

 

Yeah, I also got that thought too. And yes, I know as a person and physically I am still developing (I didn't take it as criticism.). But this isn't just about the scientific facts that come into play. It just goes down into the simple "Do you want this or not? Because if you do, then it's fine and we can move on. But if not, then you need to let me know so we can end it."

 

But I'm having trouble getting to that point with him because I don't want it to be too early to have a conversation like that. Like everyone says, there's no magic number to when you should have "the talk".

[CalipsoRose]

Grindr isn't a dating site, its a hook up site, like tinder. Just by joining a site like that you're telling all the guys on there you're looking for a hook up because that's literally what those sites are meant for.

 

Join a real dating site, like Plenty of Fish or a mature one, but those are hook up apps. I've had some friends say the same thing and somehow they have no idea they're on a hook up app, not a dating website.

 

BY the way 28 year olds don't want to date 18 year olds. The maturity level is so far beyond 18 yr olds when you're 28 its incredible. If they do want to date an 18 yr old, something is wrong with them. Just being honest.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you need to poke him in the chest - metaphorically-speaking - because if he's procrastinating and avoiding the subject, then that's just rude.

 

If it were a case of neither of you knowing how to bring it up, that would be one thing.

But the fact that you've tried, and he has repeatedly 'headed you off at the pass' in one way or another (silence, change of subject, shutting you up with a kiss) would, if I'm honest, ring alarm bells.

[Larryville]

Should I give him more time?

 

Absolutely not, but hey ignore the obvious..you are young and have plenty of time to waste…

[PersonaPersona]

So, my birthday is this weekend (woop, woop!), and my friends are throwing a party for me on Saturday since my actual birthday is on Sunday. I've been dating/seeing this one special guy for three months now. My natural instinct when my friends told me about this event was to invite him. To me, it's been a good amount of time to finally introduce him to my close friends. I talk about him all the time, I like him! It'd be great to finally get to show him off to my friends and make good memories with him.

 

Here's the thing. I've known about this party for a few weeks now, and I've brought it up to him a few times to let him know to see if he's free that weekend. He's been really confusing though because when I told him about it the first time, he told me he was coming. A little while later, I was talking about the details of the party, and he told me he didn't know what he was doing that weekend anymore because he has a cousin and a close friend who have a birthday those days as well. And FINALLY, this week I brought it up one last time and he told me he doesn't think he'll be celebrating with his cousin this weekend for some reason that I don't know. Don't know about his friend. But he said he'd let me know.

 

I'm getting confused and also really irritated/tired of trying to know if he's coming or not. Of course, if he doesn't come, I'll be upset. But my friends keep telling me that if he doesn't come, I shouldn't really let him ruin my birthday or the party. It's a lot easier than it sounds.

 

I don't want to be too blunt and tell him that he needs to give me an answer immediately, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up.

 

Maybe I'm just in over my head. ;-(

[Emilia]

I think you can be blunt, I'm not really sure why women are so worried about offending men by expecting a straight forward answer. It's very rude to keep someone hanging.

 

Agree that he likely isn't that into you. I suppose it's possible that he doesn't like going to parties where he doesn't know anyone apart from the host (and you will be busy with your friends, OP) but he could surely just bring a friend along then.

 

I think he isn't looking to take the relationship to the next level OP, sorry.

[NIGHT1985]

Seems like you're more into him than he is in to you. Sorry :/

[Zippy2000]

Maybe he`s keeping it as a secret so he turns up.

 

 

Maybe he`s playing hard to get.

 

 

Either way we wont know until the weekend.

 

 

I d say dont get agitated or annoyed at him or he`ll think you`re mental.

 

 

Just play along and if he turns up then great. if he doesnt make the effort then you`ll know he wasnt really into you.

 

 

By the way. Happy birthday when it comes.

[Emilia]

Maybe he`s keeping it as a secret so he turns up.

 

Maybe he`s playing hard to get.

 

Either way we wont know until the weekend.

 

I d say dont get agitated or annoyed at him or he`ll think you`re mental.

 

Just play along and if he turns up then great. if he doesnt make the effort then you`ll know he wasnt really into you.

Um, this is a no, pretty much all of the post.

 

Being assertive and setting boundaries are very important qualities to have as a person to make sure people treat us with respect. There will be plenty who don't like it (hence the bolded) and those are the ones you don't want in your life.

 

If you are constantly concerned about standing up for yourself, you will be surrounded by people who take advantage of you.

 

Don't be afraid of drawing the line, OP. No-one else will look after you.

[Yookie]

Hmmmm after dating for 3 months if he ditches your party I would seriously consider ditching him!

[planb1973]

You have every right to be upset. 3 months in and meeting your close friends for the first time is kind of a big deal and another step in your relationship. He could be nervous that being invited to your party is making this relationship more serious, which is justifiable. However his reluctance is speaking louder than words. Granted he has a couple other birthdays to possibly attend I think some compromise is in order. Or at minimum some clear communication and making an actual decision one way or the other. My most recent ex was the same way with regard to my family and friend get togethers. Key word "ex"

[katiegrl]

OP is it safe to presume you are in an exclusive relationship?

 

If so, what's up with asking if he is free that weekend?

 

Do you not spend weekends together? Or some you do and some you don't?

 

Nevertheless, if you and this RL are important to him, then he would make sure he was free to attend with you.

 

He should want to meet your friends at this point! And celebrate your birthday with you.

 

What is also troubling is that first he said he would go, then he's not sure, and is still not sure?

 

I am calling BS on that, he is stalling cuz he does not want to go!

 

If it were me, I would just rethink this entire relationship.

 

Doesn't sound like you are on the same page, not even close.

[smackie9]

Why do you need to know RIGHT NOW. If he doesn't go at last min he doesn't go. You don't need to be telling everyone he is going to be there or not....it's your party, just show up and enjoy yourself.

 

There could be many reasons why he doesn't feel like going...maybe he doesn't like crowds, feels uneasy being around a bunch of people he doesn't know, or he doesn't like parties........I wouldn't sweat it TBH. I think you are expecting too for something that is only 3 months old.

[katiegrl]

Why do you need to know RIGHT NOW. If he doesn't go at last min he doesn't go. You don't need to be telling everyone he is going to be there or not....it's your party, just show up and enjoy yourself.

 

There could be many reasons why he doesn't feel like going...maybe he doesn't like crowds, feels uneasy being around a bunch of people he doesn't know, or he doesn't like parties........I wouldn't sweat it TBH. I think you are expecting too for something that is only 3 months old.

 

Excuses, justifications, rationalizations, shuffle it under the rug. Ugh.

 

Three months of being in a relationship is plenty of time to want to celebrate your gf"s birthday with her and meet friends.

 

This is a red flag especially him saying yes, then not sure. Still not sure. Another ugh.....

 

This is how women *allow themselves* to be strung along. By buying into what you just suggested.

 

Really surprised at your advice smackie, shocked actually.

[VeveCakes]

He isn't going to commit but he's going to keep hanging around because you keep putting out.

 

The age isn't the problem, he doesn't want a relationship. Are you fine with being casual? If not, time to cut the cord before you get anymore attached.

[Grapesofwrath]

An honest and direct conversation is called for. If he won't engage on the subject, you have your answer. And if he runs away because you brought up the subject, you also have your answer.

 

At age 18, I think it's also a good idea to define what you mean by a commitment. Do you mean dating exclusively? Monogamy? Living together? This is very unclear.

 

Lastly, it's important to know his history. If he has never committed to a relationship at age 28, it's likely that commitment isn't really his style. Doesn't mean he'll never make one, but the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.