Is he leading me on?

[CalipsoRose]

I was seeing a guy from January to March, we had sex on the second date and we were going on dates every weekend together. He knew I wanted a relationship with him, so in March he said "I'm too busy for a serious relationship right now and I might have orders to move in June, so I don't want to waste your time." I said Ok that's fine bye.

 

About 3 weeks later, he calls me and says he misses me and wants to see me again. I said sorry I'm not looking for a fling. He said QUOTE, "I'm not looking for a fling anymore either." I said ok lets go.

 

So we've been going on dates this entire time from the end of March til now. Everything was great, I was meeting his friends, he was taking me places, the whole sha-bang. But he still didn't call me his girlfriend, I didn't want to rush him so I patiently waited.

 

This month (May) he started pulling away again. For 2 weekends in a row he said he was busy because he was moving from a base to another base 1 hour away which I knew was true because I visited him there. But then the next weekend he suspiciously said "I'm not free this weekend" with no explaination.

 

So after the weekend ended, I said "Are you seeing other people?" and he said "I'm not actively seeing anyone but I did hook up with someone else." I was so pissed because the entire week leading up to that weekend he was saying how much me misses me!!!

 

SO I said "Alright I thought so, thanks for telling me." He didn't reply through text. Four days go by and nothing so I send him another text saying "I honestly cant continue to see you if you're hooking up with other women. I thought we were on the same page after our conversation in March. I feel confused and played. You could have seen me but hooked up with someone else instead. If you don't want a relationship then just tell me." He hasn't responded yet because its late at night here and I just sent it.

 

What do you guys think?

[Buddhist]

I think you should stop interpreting 'I miss you' as 'I want to be in a committed relationship with you'. I miss you means just that. He misses having regular sex, he misses company, he misses you the way he might miss chocolate ice cream if cocoa plants became extinct.

 

Sorry to poke fun here but women really need to take what a guy says at face value. When you he said he wasn't looking for a fling anymore, that was your chance to say, okay so I'm your GF then, we're exclusive then? And if he said no, then give it a pass. It's really not rocket science.

 

You're pissed because he came back looking for quick and easy sex and you gave it to him without getting the all important....sign on the dotted line please. Men are like employment contracts, full of loop holes. And they always come back with....'technically you said......blah, blah, blah.

 

Live and learn.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Sorry, I think you got played big time.

 

I wouldn't even bother listening to whatever lie he comes up with to keep you hanging on. He has already proved that he is a liar and a creep.

 

If you are smart you will delete and block his number. He doesn't deserve a second more of your time. Better to spend your time finding a decent guy with some integrity.

[livinglife2019]

SO I said "Alright I thought so, thanks for telling me." He didn't reply through text. Four days go by and nothing so I send him another text saying "I honestly cant continue to see you if you're hooking up with other women. I thought we were on the same page after our conversation in March. I feel confused and played. You could have seen me but hooked up with someone else instead. If you don't want a relationship then just tell me." He hasn't responded yet because its late at night here and I just sent it.

 

What do you guys think?

 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone does not reply! But one thing I have learnt is by not replying they are giving you the answer! In my experience if a guy likes you he will let you know he does.

 

A great motto for datings is " Fly and they will follow, follow and they will fly "

[Zahara]

You shouldn't have even sent him that follow-up text. He knew what you desired from the start. You didn't have to reiterate after he blatantly told you he hooked up with someone else.

 

You have your answer. Unfortunately, he's not looking for the same things you are.

[angel.eyes]

He didn't lead you on...You led you on.

 

He was upfront about not wanting a serious relationship and not even being sure about seeing you beyond June. So definitely not committed to any kind of future anything with you.

 

You chose to interpret "I'm missing you" to mean "I've come to my senses and now want a serious relationship with you." Dude meant he was horny and missed regular contact. Just because someone wants more than a one night stand or fling, doesn't mean they want a serious relationship with you. He was still looking for something casual...regular but casual. By your own admission, you were never his girlfriend. So, still no commitment...as he told you from the very beginning would be the case. If you aren't his girlfriend, then clearly he didn't see this as serious. Did you discuss and/or agree to exclusivity???

 

Unless you asked for that and he agreed, you got precisely what he told you from day one you would get. Nothing serious and come June, all bets on the dating front with you are off. Here we are--May 25, not his girlfriend still, and he's seeing others. Next time, believe what a guy tells you. Hopefully lesson learned.

[preraph]

That guy told you he didn't want a real relationship and gave a face-saving reason for it and then he got horny and reappeared until he found someone else to sleep with. Please, just ship him off and find someone new who isn't a liar.

[CalipsoRose]

I don't think I lead myself on, I don't know how much more direct and obvious I can get by telling a guy I won't continue to see him if its a casual/hook up/fling situation - all of those things mean the same thing - they mean no relationship no commitment. I told him from the start that's not what I want and he replied with "I don't want a fling anymore either." after I said that.

 

What is that supposed to mean other than what it does? He told me he wasn't looking for a fling/casual/hook up "anymore" either. How am I not on the same page with him after that?

 

I think he used the fact that he wasn't technically my boyfriend yet as an EXCUSE to date other women, knowing full well that's what we were wanting/heading towards/or what he said he wanted with me.

 

He basically lied. He certainly lied about being too busy with work while hooking up with other women, too. He strung me along this entire time.

 

By the way, there was a chance he was going to stay in June. I was willing to be with him until then, but not if he was with tons of other girls at the same time.

[smackie9]

Did anyone read the part where he quoted "I'm not looking for a fling anymore either."??

 

I would have taken this as him being interested in something more serious.

 

OP you got bamboozled. TIP: When they blow you off the first time, you never take them back no matter what they say....also go by their actions not by what they say to you....he never called you his GF, that is a red flag that should never be over looked.

[Buddhist]

Did anyone read the part where he quoted "I'm not looking for a fling anymore either."??

 

I read it, and interpreted to mean, I'm looking for something serious but not necessarily with you. Guys do this all the time, they have unspoken fine print and unless they are emphatically saying....you are my girlfriend do not read any kind of implied meaning into anything.

 

It's pretty obvious he wasn't that interested in her in the beginning because he told her that he had no intention of being serious with her and to take a hike basically. Once a guy does that, forget it. They aren't changing their mind about you. I know it makes great Hollywood to have some noncommittal guy go away and realise she's the 'one' and come back cap in hand. But in real life, that does not happen. Even in instances where he does realise his mistake, 99% of the time his ego still wins and he will never admit it to her.

 

One needs to realise this. I'm not looking for a fling anymore either, was yet another carefully worded loophole that rather deliberately did not include the words 'with you', which is the loophole. People really need to understand this. I'm not saying this to put the blame on the OP. But it does no good to make this mistake and then complain.....I didn't see it coming. Just learn the lesson so you do see it coming next time.

[SomethingToSay]

He just point blank led you on and lied. Only you can say how he convincing he was in terms of sincerity and actions, and whether or not you should have believed him or were in denial.

 

There is no point in sending him any more texts. He obviously ended things in his mind when he stopped contacting you and started hooking up with other girls. So save your dignity and do not text him or respond to anything he might send you

[kidm]

"I am not looking for a fling anymore"-- ambiguous statement and considering his prior actions, OP should have asked clarifying questions to make sure they were on the same page on what exactly they were. Maybe he was now looking for a long-term nonexclusive relationship HA. People can come up with so many ridiculous relationship/non-relationship statuses, you always want to make sure you are on the same page with the person you're involved with. OP I wouldn't be surprised if he resurfaces with some sweet talk to get back in your pants. Don't fall for it. If you're looking for serious committed relationship, he's not the one!!

[Dis]

Hun I dont mean to be blunt...I really dont.....

 

But you allowed him to play you like a piano. You really did.

 

Going out with a guy whos intentions were unclear/didnt match up with your was your first mistake

 

Having sex with him on the second date...with no commitment from him was your second.

 

He disappeared on you....you took him back. That was your third.

 

The list really goes on here

 

Do yourself a favor...listen to the advice you recieve here....I can see youre already dismissing valid points from other posters...if you dont learn from this and take most of the blame here...you'll continue to get played by other guys

 

While I'm sorry your feeling are hurt hun....you really screwed the pooch here

Edited May 26, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[angel.eyes]

Did anyone read the part where he quoted "I'm not looking for a fling anymore either."??

 

I would have taken this as him being interested in something more serious.

 

I also read the part where she still wasn't horny dude's girlfriend...ever! She refused to answer my question about exclusivity. I'm guessing they weren't exclusive. Sleeping with a guy, not exclusive and nowhere in any of that is he willing to call you his girlfriend? Sorry, that's the very definition of a casual, not a serious, relationship.

 

If I tell someone I'm not eating chocolate cake because I want a healthier diet, but every time they or anyone offers me chocolate cake I gorge on it, who's fault is it that I gained ten pounds and am more unhealthy? Theirs because I claimed I was only going to eat healthily, and they should have known better than to tempt me with chocolate cake? Or mine because I willfully scarfed down chocolate cake any time it was available instead of exercising control and taking responsibility for the choices I make?

 

I understand that OP is hurt that he's on to the next. But he was crystal clear in every possible way about not wanting a commitment with her. He was also totally upfront about not being open to continuing beyond June--in other words, he never saw a future with her. No future, no girlfriend, not exclusive but sleeping with him = not serious.

 

She can play victim and repeat her same mistakes with every guy who checks her boundaries and checks whether she actually means what she claims to want. Or she can learn to rein in wishful thinking, focus on listening to what a guy says rather than what she would like to hear.

 

Generally, if a guy doesn't think you're relationship material and tells you that upfront, sleeping with him isn't going to suddenly make him change his mind. Whatever made you "not relationship" material is still there and problematic to him. Once he refuses to commit or to consider any future with you as this guy did, you can be Ms. Right Now, but you aren't going to be Ms. Right.

 

At the end of the day, OP was responsible for enforcing her stated boundaries, not the dude who refused to ever call her his girlfriend or to consider the possibility of seeing her beyond June.

Edited May 26, 2016 by angel.eyes

[qq2016]

I am in a worse situation. The guy would even say "I love you, I truly do love you" or "I will marry you in the summer" kind of bull**** to lead me on, in order to have sex with me. He hasn't even taken me out on a date.

[angel.eyes]

I'm sorry to hear that. When actions don't line up with words, there's a problem. People say actions speak louder than words.

[CalipsoRose]

He never said he DIDNT want a relationship with me. That's the point. I understand that he never confirmed a relationship with me, but that's exactly why I was in limbo with him this entire time, when he came back to me in March I made it clear I wouldn't see him under casual circumstance and he said I don't want that either! We were talking to each other, so I'm not crazy to assume he meant "in general, with every girl" I took it as "with you."

 

Plus, why would he hook up with another girl if he told me he wasn't looking for flings anymore either, generally speaking? Sounds like he was just sweet talking me BS.

 

I totally own my part in this. Lesson has been learned.

but lets be honest, he's a f-boy who knew exactly what he was doing. He was biding his time with me until June. We even talked about him leaving in June and he said "I've put my orders in that I want to stay here, so I might stay."

 

He hasn't responded yet by the way. We're texting on WhatsApp so I can see if he read the message or not and it still says "unread" all day. Oh well.

[Leigh 87]

I read it, and interpreted to mean, I'm looking for something serious but not necessarily with you. Guys do this all the time, they have unspoken fine print and unless they are emphatically saying....you are my girlfriend do not read any kind of implied meaning into anything.

 

It's pretty obvious he wasn't that interested in her in the beginning because he told her that he had no intention of being serious with her and to take a hike basically. Once a guy does that, forget it. They aren't changing their mind about you. I know it makes great Hollywood to have some noncommittal guy go away and realise she's the 'one' and come back cap in hand. But in real life, that does not happen. Even in instances where he does realise his mistake, 99% of the time his ego still wins and he will never admit it to her.

 

One needs to realise this. I'm not looking for a fling anymore either, was yet another carefully worded loophole that rather deliberately did not include the words 'with you', which is the loophole. People really need to understand this. I'm not saying this to put the blame on the OP. But it does no good to make this mistake and then complain.....I didn't see it coming. Just learn the lesson so you do see it coming next time.

 

 

 

Yep. The closest to Hollywood that I have EVER witnessed (and I take quite an interest in observing and being nosy towards other peoples relationships, LOL) ---- is this:

 

When two people come together and KNOW something is special and they .. gasp, DATE, become exclusive, and do not shag other people. Simple, isn't it?

 

THAT is the real life hollywood script - people who MUTUALLY feel there is something special, ACT like it and do not let each other go easily.

 

People who are into each other get together. Plain and simple. Most of the time!

 

The hollywood fairytales are based on the perpetual player meeting "the one" and not realising he wants to change his bachelor ways, only to suddenly realise one day after he leaves her; then he shows up at the airport and it is like a scene out of the movies!!! Because IT IS a movie:lmao:

 

But ya. Actually - ONCE... this did actually happen ONCE on loveshack! A beuaiful (I mesn stunning) poster here who was such a down to earth and lovely girl, dated a successful doctor who was genuiny... LEGIT... afraid of marriage and committment! So he left. He then realised she was the love of his life. They are now happily married! But this is the ONLY TIME in my LIFE that I have witnessed this holly wood esque sh*t happen!

 

Me? The rare times in my life that I have felt a ground breaking connection, it has been MUTUAL, and we ended up together quite simply. No doubts, no missed calls that were not returned. People who feel the hollywood chemistry usually just end up together rather than realising they are "the ones" after it is too late.

[Leigh 87]

He never said he DIDNT want a relationship with me. That's the point. I understand that he never confirmed a relationship with me, but that's exactly why I was in limbo with him this entire time, when he came back to me in March I made it clear I wouldn't see him under casual circumstance and he said I don't want that either! We were talking to each other, so I'm not crazy to assume he meant "in general, with every girl" I took it as "with you."

 

Plus, why would he hook up with another girl if he told me he wasn't looking for flings anymore either, generally speaking? Sounds like he was just sweet talking me BS.

 

I totally own my part in this. Lesson has been learned.

but lets be honest, he's a f-boy who knew exactly what he was doing. He was biding his time with me until June. We even talked about him leaving in June and he said "I've put my orders in that I want to stay here, so I might stay."

 

He hasn't responded yet by the way. We're texting on WhatsApp so I can see if he read the message or not and it still says "unread" all day. Oh well.

 

 

 

I am taking time out of my exam study for this.

 

Listen, I have been in your position. Numerous times.

 

He just wasn't that into you. But he enjoyed your company and found you attractive and it wasn't hard for him to act into you - because men in these circumstancs DO like you well enough! Just not ENOUGH to fall head over heels for you!

 

I have had men that liked me and pretended they were more interested in me than they really were - they were not bad guys. Honestly - They just wanted what they wanted - a nice girl they enjoyed being around and felt attracted to, for sex and hang outs. They sometimes do not even realise their own lies - they tell themselves that they are just going after what they want at the time without thinking it through - they do not factor in what is REALLY happening on a conscious level - they do not feel the situation out and properly perceive what their actions are demonstrating - They act into you at the time despite not being into you on a deeper level - but all they are actually THINKING about is " I enjoy having sex and hanging out with this girl" That is it.

 

People have a one track mind. They serve their own pleasure. Some of them ACTIVELY think about that they are doing as they do it! They think " I will play this girl and pretend to be into her, so she will hang out and have sex with me, until I get bored, find someone better, or meet a woman I actually want to date"

 

..Luckily, the majority of men are not this callous:sick: MOST men are not total pigs on purpose:lmao: They are legitimately just trying to fulfill their own desires, without wanting to have to think about " oh gee what is moral, what is right" because they are focused primarily on getting their needs met. I am SURE if many of these men actually thought about what their actions were doing - they would feel bad.

 

hey - I had an ex who dated me for nearly 3 years who was just not that into me - he never actively wondered about how he really felt - he just was enjoying my company whilst he was going through the death of his mother:( and enjoying me well enough to keep the convenient situation rolling. He didn't sit there and think " well she is not the love of my life but I wil keep her around until Miss right comes along". Men just do what feels good sometimes without much forethought.

 

Lastly - I have had SO MANY MEN tell me that I am the world, compliment me, tell me I am the most hottest girl they have ever been with - when they WERE NOT AT ALL INTO ME! Men do honestly come accross as WAY more into you than they truly are.

 

Us women are awful at reading inbetween the lines at times. Truly. I had men who couldn't keep their hands off me and acted VERY much into me - NOT be into me! They just wanted sex and company and did find me attractive and really want sex off me.

 

BETWEEN THE LINES - when a man is falling for you HE MAKES IT KNOWN. No ifs or buts. No matter HOW 'enamoured" of keen a man is ACTING, his ACTIONS need to back up his words. This man was ONLY talk; lesson number one! When a man SAYS things like " I am not looking for a fling anymore" and they do not then go on to ask you to be exclusive and progress things - THEY ARE FULL O ****E!

 

Man: " I am open to something serious now"

Actions: nothing. Nothing at all. No title. No I love you after months. Nothing progresses.

But he is all over you and has even taken you to a friends party.

CONCLUSION: he just aint that into you. But he really enjoys the sex and company. If he was into you, he would step it up and make you his girlfriend.

 

Again - NOT ALL MEN consciously lie and deceive. I promise. This guy just wanted to brush the reality of you and your intentions under the rug because he really wanted something - something that being honest would have hampered.

[CalipsoRose]

Ok I get it. He even took me to a friend's wake (family funeral) so I thought wow he must really be connecting with me deeper if he feels comfortable enough to include me into his personal world like this. (it was at his friend's mother's house so it wasn't an actual funeral, it was a family wake).

 

He had money so he'd take me out to really nice restaurants and expensive on the beach hotels...even the last night I saw him, he cuddled me really tight for 4 hours in bed, so tight I couldn't even move, I was really happy, I assumed he must be falling for me. He even sweetly kissed my back three times when he came back into bed from the bathroom while I looked like I was sleeping.

 

Then he just takes someone else out and hooks up like its no big deal. So weird.

Edited May 26, 2016 by CalipsoRose

[CalipsoRose]

He JUST texted me back saying, "I just got these (texts). Can I call you tomorrow after work?"

 

I'm not gonna reply. I'm just gonna see if he calls. I'm nervous to talk to him about this I don't know what he's gonna say or what I'm gonna do.

Edited May 26, 2016 by CalipsoRose

[Leigh 87]

DO NOT ANSWER HIS CALL.

 

ABORT. RUN. This IS AN ILLUSION. The whispering sweet nothings, the looking adoringly into your eyes, kissing your back when " he thinks you are asleep":rolleyes:

 

Look. Listen.

 

I have had a FWB take me to his friends funeral. I slept the night with him prior too. We are good friends to this day!

 

People are not emotionless robots! He likes you, my FWB liked me and still likes me! He also thinks I am hot! DOESN'T mean he is "falling" for you. At all.

 

I have had men tell me they were falling for me, fly me over to see them accross the opposite end of the coutry, buy me 300 dollar necklaces after knowing me 2 weeks. YOU name it, I HAVE HAD IT SAID TO ME! By more than one guy!

 

Look, I KNOW it feels and seems really real to you! The crap he is doing is also stuff men who are falling in love do.... The laying together cuddling......and so on and so forth..... It DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN THE SAME to men as it does to WOMEN..........

[Lois_Griffin]

It's extremely obvious that whenever he didn't have anyone else in his life, you were the one he dated.

 

He bailed in March because he met someone else and it didn't work out. That's why you suddenly heard from him 3 weeks later. It ain't rocket science.

 

The moment an opportunity arises with someone else, you get back-burnered, like those two weekends he was suddenly too busy 'moving' to see you.

 

This guy is a an opportunistic sleaze ball.

Edited May 26, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

[elaine567]

In May he started not feeling it, so he started putting distance between him and you by not being available on the weekend.

He was either already seeing this girl or he had started to look around. That culminated in him hooking up. He tells you about it and goes silent.

That was your cue to fade out and disappear, BUT you are now hounding him for apologies and answers like you were married to him for 10 years.

Take the hint, he is not interested in you any longer, if he was, he would be blowing up your phone with "Sorry!" and excuses and "She meant nothing to me, please forgive me." "I love you" but NO.

He has decided as you are so upset, to give you a hearing, but do not get your hopes up.

People who cheat, tend to make a habit of it, you are better letting this one go.

[smackie9]

Plus, why would he hook up with another girl if he told me he wasn't looking for flings anymore either, generally speaking? Sounds like he was just sweet talking me BS.

 

.

 

There you go nay sayers, stick that in your pipe and smoke it.