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Choosing between my kids & and my girlfriend


FourBrit

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I'm having a lot of inner turmoil about my feelings for my girlfriend. I am deeply in love with her but I wish I wasn't, at least not now.

 

I just lost my wife, mother of my 6 year old daughter and 4 and 3 year old son, January of 2015 in a tragic car accident. It left me heartbroken as my wife was an amazing woman who I truly feel blessed to have been with.

 

I met my girlfriend last March; it wasn't my intention to become involved with her in any way, but I think out mutual depression attracted us (she was going through some things as well).

 

I want to be with her but I don't want my kids to think that I didn't love their mom, or that she's replacing their mom. Not now, but when they're older.

 

They love my girlfriend as well, my daughter is especially attached to her, and she loves them too and is great with them.

 

To further complicate things, we have a 4 month old baby that we just confirmed in my 3rd son so we'll definitely be in each other's lives regardless. I'm so lost.

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I'll be honest...

 

If your kids have already started bonding with your girlfriend, it is probably a good thing but ONLY if you have the intention of keeping her around.

 

Because they are so young, they probably will ultimately not remember their birth mother and you remaining single won't help them remember. Having a strong, positive parental influence can only be beneficial to them, if that is what your girlfriend can offer.

 

My concern is that you have only been seeing her since March and your kids have already met and bonded with her? That was probably a mistake... You should have waited six, eight, or 12 months to make sure the girlfriend was going to stick around before getting your kids involved with her.

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I'm having a lot of inner turmoil about my feelings for my girlfriend. I am deeply in love with her but I wish I wasn't, at least not now. I just lost my wife, mother of my 6 year old daughter and 4 and 3 year old son, January of 2015 in a tragic car accident. It left me heartbroken as my wife was an amazing woman who I truly feel blessed to have been with. I met my girlfriend last March; it wasn't my intention to become involved with her in any way, but I think out mutual depression attracted us (she was going through some things as well). I want to be with her but don't want my kids to think that I didn't love their mom, or that she's replacing their mom. Not now, but when they're older. They love my girlfriend as well, my daughter is especially attached to her, and she loves them too and is great with them. To further complicate things, we have a 4 month old baby that we just confirmed in my 3rd son so we'll definitely be in each other's lives regardless. I'm so lost.

 

Well your kids are not thinking this, you are. There's a huge difference.

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I'll be honest...

 

My concern is that you have only been seeing her since March and your kids have already met and bonded with her? That was probably a mistake... You should have waited six, eight, or 12 months to make sure the girlfriend was going to stick around before getting your kids involved with her.

 

 

I completely agree with you there. I only introduced her that soon because of the baby. I figured she was going to around somewhat and I wanted them to meet before he was born.

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CalipsoRose

I'm very sorry for your loss. I cant imagine the pain you must be going through.

 

As far as your question, I don't see the problem. You're creating a problem where there isn't one. You don't have to choose between anyone in this situation.

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amaysngrace

What's your question exactly? I don't think that you need to choose between your GF or your children at all if that's what you were wanting to know.

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I guess I'm worried about my older kids resenting the situation when they're older. Losing their mom was tough on them and yes, they really love my gf, but they still get upset about it especially my daughter. In fact, as of lately, like in the last month or so, my daughter goes from hot to cold with my gf because of her mom and I think it's giving me a glimpse into what could be a bad situation when they're older. Maybe I'm overthinking things, I don't know.

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amaysngrace

Maybe your daughter is vulnerable and now feels replaced by the new baby

 

Have you considered grief counseling for yourself and your children?

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TaraMaiden2

You really did jump in feet first, didn't you?

You both suffer from depression, and you met in March - and she's pregnant?

 

I would advise, in the strongest and most urgent sense, that you both have counselling.

 

*ETA: Have you had, or considered bereavement counselling for your children....?*

 

Let me just add though, that I had a friend (a school Mom) who had really serious asthma, and one morning had an attack so severe that she died.

Her funeral was packed with her friends, and her husband held his two young children throughout the service. One was 7 the other 12.

 

Three months later, he met up with a divorcee, family friend, very quickly got into a relationship with her, and 2 months after that, they announced they were a couple.

AFAIK, they're still together.

 

It happens.

Simply because you love this woman, does not mean you didn't love your wife, or that you love her less, or that she means less, or is less significant....

 

Don't go on a guilt trip over this.

Honour your ex-wife, and cherish her memory. Keep love for her alive through your children, and teach them what a wonderful woman she was.

But it's a fact of life that death doesn't stop the living from living.

 

Live.

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CalipsoRose

The fact that your daughter is having a hot and cold reaction to your gf is very normal for a child who lost her mother, but this also means that you need to talk to your daughter in a very gentle manner about what happened. Use easy to understand language but don't sugar coat it too much. Maybe when she's a little older like around 8 years old you can have the serious talk about what happened with her. But right now you need to reassure her using your words about what happened so that she can better understand why the gf is there.

 

just as an example, because I'm not sure about your religious background, but you can say something like "Mommy is in heaven now and she loves you very much. If she could have stayed with us she would have but god needed her in heaven to watch over you. (GF) is here now to help us. (GF) also loves you very much. Mommy sent (GF) here to help us because she can't be here right now."

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TaraMaiden2

With reference to my previous post, if you are in the UK (as your name might imply) consider this.

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acrosstheuniverse

I'm a little confused, did you get together March 2015 or March 2016?

 

If 2015, it sounds like you guys have weathered a lot already. It can't be easy coming into a grieving family, and if your gf has lasted this long and your kids like her she sounds like a keeper. Some people do have the emotional maturity to be able to fit into a family without trying to take the place of the lost parent, but it's not easy. I feel like it's your own grief talking and making you unsure, perhaps you're finding it hard to commit to your girlfriend and move on as it means irrevocably moving on from your wife forever. Grief is so so difficult. When I lost my Mom it was a good solid two years before I felt anything like my old self again or felt I'd come to terms with the loss. I cannot imagine having lost a partner, and then having the strength to give enough of myself to be with someone else but as people say, it sure happens and there's nothing wrong with that, life goes on.

 

If you met 2016, this is a disaster. You've knocked up a woman you've been seeing for a few weeks who is already engrossed in your family, you don't know her, she doesn't know you, the chances of it working out with a baby in the mix seem minuscule. I would recommend you consider your options before being tied to this new R with someone you barely know. But from your story I am finding it hard to imagine you meant 2016, which would have given you less than two months to meet her, get pregnant (was that planned? Whose responsibility was contraception? Was she on birth control? Did it fail or do you suspect it was an 'oops'?), bond with the family etc.

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Ok, so I'll clear some things up. We met/been seeing each other since March of 2015, she met the kids in July of 2015, and moved in end of October 2015. Our son was born this past February. As for counseling, I immediately sought grief counseling for the kids. My 3 year old didn't get much out of it; he's not quite old enough to understand death and all. He knows mommy went away and can't come back though. It did seem to help my older two adjust a little better. I was so focused on the kids, I never got any myself (maybe that's part of my problem?) now as for my daughter, some days her and my gf are like best friends and then out of nowhere, she'll get upset and say "I want my mommy, (gf name) is his mommy (baby). My mommy is gone." :( Both of us have tried explaining that mommy is in heaven and she seems okay in that moment, I guess? and then will be distant with my gf and then be super close with her again the next day. Also, just yesterday my daughter asked me do I think my gf loves the baby more than her? I told her no and asked why and she said because baby came from her tummy and she came from mommy's tummy. Maybe more counseling would benefit her.

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Also, she said she wants my gf to love her more. More than the baby, or just in general I have no idea. I wasn't even sure how to respond. I'm not sure how much of this has to do with the baby. She adjusted well to his birth as she did with my other 2. She enjoys being my gf's helper with feedings and changings. She'll tell her brothers to keep down if he's napping :) she's always been a sweet one like her mom.

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TaraMaiden2

Your 6-year-old daughter is entering an acutely-aware phase of her life. She is learning - brace yourself for this - emotional manipulation.

 

Now, this is not deliberate. She is not purposely manipulating either you or your GF.

But she is of an age where she is aware of the power of emotions, and doubtless genuinely feels the absence of her mother.

 

However, she's pulling at your heart-strings and unconsciously setting up a conflict of emotions within you.

I emphasise, it's not deliberate, but it is meant to get you to declare your love for her - and her deceased mother - more.

 

She needs to know she is important, and valued, and she needs reassurance that she is vital and significant.

 

This is perfectly natural.

Her mother is gone, she has nobody in her corner.

Her little brother is very little, and he's a boy. Like you.

You have your GF and a new baby.

She feels (unjustified, I'm sure) side-lined.

 

What about her maternal grandmother?

Does she see her maternal grandparents?

Are they still alive?

Maybe if so, her grandmother could play a pivotal role in "upping her specialness"....

 

But I think this is the crux of the matter.

More counselling may be in order, but she must not be made to feel as if it's because there is something wrong with the way she is feeling or behaving.

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TaraMaiden2
Also, she said she wants my gf to love her more. More than the baby, or just in general I have no idea. I wasn't even sure how to respond. I'm not sure how much of this has to do with the baby. She adjusted well to his birth as she did with my other 2. She enjoys being my gf's helper with feedings and changings. She'll tell her brothers to keep down if he's napping :) she's always been a sweet one like her mom.

 

You posted this as I was writing.

 

I rest my case....

She feels 'abandoned' and insignificant.

No matter what she does, you need to praise her more for her contributions.

If she makes a gesture, it's to please.

BE pleased.

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Your 6-year-old daughter is entering an acutely-aware phase of her life. She is learning - brace yourself for this - emotional manipulation.

 

Now, this is not deliberate. She is not purposely manipulating either you or your GF.

But she is of an age where she is aware of the power of emotions, and doubtless genuinely feels the absence of her mother.

 

However, she's pulling at your heart-strings and unconsciously setting up a conflict of emotions within you.

I emphasise, it's not deliberate, but it is meant to get you to declare your love for her - and her deceased mother - more.

 

She needs to know she is important, and valued, and she needs reassurance that she is vital and significant.

 

This is perfectly natural.

Her mother is gone, she has nobody in her corner.

Her little brother is very little, and he's a boy. Like you.

You have your GF and a new baby.

She feels (unjustified, I'm sure) side-lined.

 

What about her maternal grandmother?

Does she see her maternal grandparents?

Are they still alive?

Maybe if so, her grandmother could play a pivotal role in "upping her specialness"....

 

But I think this is the crux of the matter.

More counselling may be in order, but she must not be made to feel as if it's because there is something wrong with the way she is feeling or behaving.

 

That's an interesting point you laid out there. When we speak about her mother, I always assure her that I loved/love mommy very much but perhaps this isn't enough. As for my wife's side of the family, yes we are all still very close but her parents don't live in the state at the moment. They do call to check in every week and speak to the kids. They plan on visiting next month, I'll be sure to bring this up with them then.

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You posted this as I was writing.

 

No matter what she does, you need to praise her more for her contributions.

If she makes a gesture, it's to please.

BE pleased.

 

This would probably benefit all the kids :)

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TaraMaiden2
That's an interesting point you laid out there. When we speak about her mother, I always assure her that I loved/love mommy very much but perhaps this isn't enough.

 

Not to her young ears, no. It needs real emphasis, and you have to make allowances for her young and impressionable mind. Remember for example, that the loss of a toy to us, isn't such a bad deal; to a child, it can be devastating. It's important to see their issues through their eyes, not ours.

 

As for my wife's side of the family, yes we are all still very close but her parents don't live in the state at the moment. They do call to check in every week and speak to the kids. They plan on visiting next month, I'll be sure to bring this up with them then.

 

I'd bring it up sooner. Forewarned is forearmed. It's best they arrive fully prepared to deal with the situation...

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TaraMaiden2
This would probably benefit all the kids :)

 

Not necessarily. She's the oldest. She has to see herself as being singled out for particular praise, because she's making more effort to be like her mummy. Caring, considerate and helpful. You said yourself her mother was wonderful....

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acrosstheuniverse

Gosh this is heartbreaking stuff. Your poor kids. And you.

 

Even if your girlfriend is great about everything, is it possible you daughter is picking up on signals that she can't talk about/openly grieve her Mom now that you gf is on the scene? I'm 28 and even I found it awkward at first bringing up memories of my Mother when I was at my Dad's, with him and my Stepmom. My stepmom is wonderful and doesn't bat an eyelid and enjoys hearing the stories (she and my dad got together years before my Mother died), but at first I was so aware of not wanting to make her uncomfortable by sitting at her table talking about her husband's ex-wife it took some getting used to. Kids are more intuitive than we realise. I would have hated to have thought I couldn't bring her up and mention her as if she never existed. I'm absolutely not saying that's something you or your gf are doing but perhaps have a think about what you all do to honour your late wife. Maybe your daughter has picked up that she's in a new family now and the old one has gone, sure, but I don't think any of us can imagine how agonising that must be for a small child who still misses and needs their Mom.

 

Is there anything you can do together, both with and without your girlfriend, to continue to honour your late wife? Visiting the grave, sharing memories, looking through photos together, visiting her favourite places, to help her to see that she doesn't have to let go, and she can always remember and love her Mom? Do you know any adults whose parents have passed away? It could be very powerful for her to hear from someone else who loved and lost a Mom, how they coped and how although life goes on, your mother cannot be replaced and nobody expects that. It sounds like all of this has happened so fast and now your daughter is in a new family with a mother figure and a new child who still has his Mom, it sounds like she's adjusting wonderfully given the circumstances, and OP you sound like you're doing the best you can under challenging circumstances. Be kind to yourself.

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amaysngrace

You say your daughter and your GF are like "best friends" some days but does your GF act as a mother to her at all or does she only mother her new baby?

 

I definitely think you and your daughter and probably your GF too could all benefit from counseling. Are you planning to marry your GF? Have you discussed that? Would your children, especially your daughter, be comfortable calling your GF "Mommy"?

 

I think your daughter needs a mother figure, she wants a mommy. I don't think she's being manipulative. What a cruel thing to say. I think she's displaced and sad and is counting on you to figure this out but she is a small child. She doesn't process this the way that you have and even if she did, you've found a replacement for her mommy. Where is hers?

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Choosing between my kids & and my girlfriend - are you really contemplating splitting up with your gf?

Sounds like, from your first post, that you are, under the guise of what is best for the kids...

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Wow, so.... how many kids do you need? Is this third one the last one?

 

 

Because if so.... there's only one way you can guarantee that.

 

 

I think looking at the to have or not to have a pregnant GF when you already have 2 kids is a lot like asking what the return policy is on a computer after you installed a new operating system.

You can't go backwards in time. All you can do is plan for the future and make the best of what you have. You've been blessed with 2 wonderful kids, and possibly a 3rd on the way. Many folks don't get the opportunity for one. Yes you're still grieving the loss of your wife, and that's a touch deal for anyone. But these are the choices you're making now that will define you much later in life.

 

 

That being said, if I were in your shoes, I'd want a paternity test on the 3rd. you know. Just in case.

 

 

Good luck man!

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You've been blessed with 2 wonderful kids, and possibly a 3rd on the way.

NO.

He has 4 children, one daughter and two sons from his marriage and a 4 month old new baby with his gf.

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