Why is my girlfriend suddenly so distant and weird?

[klanias]

So to cut a long story short, I recently started going out with a girl. She knows me from work and she has been attracted to me for quite some time without me knowing it. On night we met up outside after she invited me, and things got physical pretty quickly. Since then we have been seeing each other and it has been more than just being physical since she has declared that she is falling for me and I can tell from her behavior, always wanting to see me, sending me tons of messages etc, that it is true. She has also told be that falling in love with me is scary for her, which I can understand since she has recently got out of a relationship (don't know how recently).

 

I have made her understand that from my side the same applies, however, recently things suddenly changed. After being so in love for about 3 weeks, she left for a business trip. I didn't want to bother her much because i wanted her to have a good time. So one morning i panicked a bit because I had felt bad for not responding (after 1:30 hours) and said a small lie about what I did last night to justify why I didn't respond.

 

From that point on she didn't respond to my text, or to another I sent two days later, and finally on the fourth day she replied that she has been thinking about this, and wants to slow down. The excuse was that she recently got out of a relationship and that we work at the same place. I responded that I wanted to talk to her about something and she kept asking what, however I did not give any details.

 

The next day she contacted me and asked if I was OK and that she was curious about what I was thinking. I told her that it was the same thing that she was thinking of, about slowing down a bit.

 

A few days went by without any contact, and on the first working day when she was back at work she went by my office once without stopping by. I asked her if she could come by message and she did a little later. She was all friendly and laughed at my jokes, and I was being all cool because I didn't want to put on the pressure. I told her that I would like to speak to her in person and asked her if she would like to come to my place the following night in which she replied yes.

 

The next morning she commented on a cologne she smelt that reminded her of me, and that it was distracting. A few hours later she canceled the plans for the night not stating why exactly and suggested maybe the next night.

 

There is definitely something weird with her behavior not having seeing me for over 10 days now, but only briefly at work.

 

Any ideas why she is acting like this? Is it a game?

[LostOnes05]

If it's not her ex, there is someone else she has interest in. Her slow it down will turn into let's just be friends...she'll also throw in that you work together (which is understandable). I'd count her out at this point (not seeing each other for 10 days outside of work).

[Miss Peach]

Do you think she doesn't want to start a relationship at work? A lot of women aren't good at being direct so reading between the lines she either isn't ready or she doesn't want to start something at work. The rest of it sounds like she's avoiding you rather than being direct.

[klanias]

I can see your point that something is indeed not going right here. What troubles me is that for 3 weeks since we first hooked up things were really amazing and I was getting a very strong sense that she was totally into me. I really cannot pinpoint what caused this sudden change. In addition, I cant explain the mixed responses, saying that comment about my cologne....is she screwing with head for fun or is she genuinely afraid to let loose?

[Shanex]

If it's not her ex, there is someone else she has interest in. Her slow it down will turn into let's just be friends...she'll also throw in that you work together (which is understandable). I'd count her out at this point (not seeing each other for 10 days outside of work).

 

This. When someone become distant with you, you can almost be certain that there's another guy around. Sorry, doesn't look good.

[klanias]

I have also been thinking about this as a possibility. However, all the time we were together she was madly in love, expressing it in every way. In addition, her business trip was abroad so even if there was a fling I would say it would be something she would take too seriously. What is troubling me is that her interaction with me when me met again at work was very friendly, laughing and stuff, just like we were before everything blew up. Also the fact that she mentioned my cologne and that it is disrupting her is something that I cannot see as unimportant. Why send that message in the first place? If you really want to cut off with someone you don't send such messages.

 

My main scenario is that she is afraid of this sudden love since it is also within the workspace and might feel that it could affect her if anything went bad so she is trying to put the brakes on while it is still early.

 

I am trying to be patient with her and not rush things or force her to tell me what is really up.

[elaine567]

So one morning i panicked a bit because I had felt bad for not responding (after 1:30 hours) and said a small lie about what I did last night to justify why I didn't respond.

 

From that point on she didn't respond to my text, or to another I sent two days later, and finally on the fourth day she replied that she has been thinking about this, and wants to slow down.

 

Ok, what was the lie?

[klanias]

I lied about losing my house keys and sleeping at a friends house. When in reality I was at home but just didn't want to bother her so she wouldn't feeling suffocated while with her friends, or felt she needed to respond out of obligation.

[Buddhist]

Okay, someone texting you and being all over you in the first 3 weeks of a relationship is not 'falling for you' or 'being in love'. It's enjoying dating for a change. My guess is she's met someone else she's more interested in and has suddenly discovered she hasn't 'fallen for you' after all.

 

This is what happens when people confuse hormones with love.

[klanias]

What I am trying to point out here is that she was on a business trip abroad. Therefore even if she did meet someone it is highly unlikely that she would progress things.

[Emilia]

Always the same **** on LS, someone expresses something that doesn't go exactly how a relationship should and they must be seeing someone else.

 

The thing is OP, someone like her who emotionally rushes into things so fast, doesn't tend to be the most stable. I don't know how old you two are but she sounds very immature.

 

To be honest, you do too, that lie was very dumb. It's possible that she is posting on a site similar to Loveshack now and people are telling her that you were sleeping with another girl the moment she left the city Because it's that simple

 

The best advice I can give you OP is that you should look out for girls who are this fast and get emotionally involved so quickly. It is usually an indication of deeper issues.

 

When I read your comment on her being scared of falling in love, I knew what was coming.

[elaine567]

Maybe the business trip abroad just gave her some clarity,

 

Maybe someone there had spoken to her about not mixing work with relationships.

 

Maybe being apart, made her realise it was not perhaps what she wanted after all.

 

Maybe she just felt free and that has prompted her to want to slow it down.

 

Maybe she did meet someone.

 

May be she "knew" you were lying that night, and probably thinks you were cheating on her. So she now wants to protect her heart by cooling it down.

 

Maybe by you not contacting her a lot during the trip and the night you lied about. and this desire of yours to not seem clingy, she thinks that you are cooling things off, so is just mirroring you and getting in first to protect her heart.

 

YOU need to communicate and if cooling stuff off is NOT what you really want then stop saying it is.

And stop lying, some people are pretty good at spotting lies, it does not make for happy times.

[klanias]

Yes, I recognize that it was a stupid lie and would do anything to go back in time and change it.

 

I am 29 and she is a little younger, but not too much.

 

I really don't know how to handle the situation with her avoiding me like this. I don't what is really on her mind and I am looking for the best approach to fix things. She said that she might drop my place tonight after a dinner she had to attend, but I fear she will find an excuse to avoid us meeting up.

[Audacious]

- That lie was not good , most good lies have a base in reality

- It is extremely rare for relationships that start physical so early on to work , the only exception being that you were exceptionally good in bed and sex was something out of this world that shattered her reality ( which is unlikely for the vast majority of men ) .

 

- she is playing a classic game of seduction , stringing you along , dropping you hints that she is thinking about you ( that cologne BS ) and then growing cold and distant so you would chase her , the more you do , the more distant she grows , if you stop , she'll give you one of these "hints" .

 

the creation of false hope and the art of distance are among the pillars people , mostly girls , do to keep a guy around .

 

everybody plays a different game , its human nature ,

the sooner you realize it , the better off you gonna be .

[klanias]

Yes, that is something I have thought of also. That being emotionally hurt etc she is also playing a game of seduction and testing me at the same time.

 

I am thinking that if she does not come over to my place tonight, to tell her that I want to confess something, but can only do it in person. It is important for me to get it off my chest and be honest. I dont like mind games and really regret saying something so stupid, even if my intentions were good.

[Audacious]

Yes, that is something I have thought of also. That being emotionally hurt etc she is also playing a game of seduction and testing me at the same time.

 

I am thinking that if she does not come over to my place tonight, to tell her that I want to confess something, but can only do it in person. It is important for me to get it off my chest and be honest. I dont like mind games and really regret saying something so stupid, even if my intentions were good.

 

no no no , in my opinion NEVER EVER confess something , or get something off your chest , do not go all schmaltzy on her now .

remove the dramatic element and think of something fun , play along .

hint that she means something to you , let her "conclude" that based on looks , behaviors , hints ...etc . never your words . why ?

 

because it eliminates mystery and intrigue , creates a familiarity that will be boring , dull and she'll know she got you by the balls

 

send mix signals , never be one dimensional , or predictable .

[Emilia]

no no no , in my opinion NEVER EVER confess something , or get something off your chest , do not go all schmaltzy on her now .

remove the dramatic element and think of something fun , play along .

hint that she means something to you , let her "conclude" that based on looks , behaviors , hints ...etc . never your words . why ?

 

because it eliminates mystery and intrigue , creates a familiarity that will be boring , dull and she'll know she got you by the balls

 

send mix signals , never be one dimensional , or predictable .

Whatever you do, don't follow the advice above. It's nonsense.

Yes, that is something I have thought of also. That being emotionally hurt etc she is also playing a game of seduction and testing me at the same time.

 

I am thinking that if she does not come over to my place tonight, to tell her that I want to confess something, but can only do it in person. It is important for me to get it off my chest and be honest. I dont like mind games and really regret saying something so stupid, even if my intentions were good.

It's worth one more conversation BUT you have been dating for a very short time OP. It's already too much drama and no good thing tends to come from these things. By all means try to talk to her to make yourself feel better but I think your gut feeling in terms of her inability to be available will prove to be correct. Keep us posted.

[Audacious]

Half of Emilia's advice is just a re-phrasing of a part of mine so .....

 

By all means try to talk to her to make yourself feel better but I think your gut feeling in terms of her inability to be available will prove to be correct. Keep us posted.

 

when did this ever work ? spelling out his gut , making her think oh " this guy is way too much , melodramatic , and I had him ...meh "

 

OP , it is your choice , follow my advice for a while , she will try to get closer to you ....

 

spell out your guts and you'd be burning yourself with your own match

 

the choice is yours

[klanias]

So, update.

 

Yesterday she invited me to meet her earlier at her place. I said ok since I was not busy. Then at last moment she cancels saying that she had some problems at work and couldn't make it. Her message was very weird since it was very intimate after a long time being totally cold. To be honest I was kinda expecting it since from what I have understood she is just playing at this point.

 

She then said that she would try to make it after her dinner if it wasn't too late. Of course again she didn't come without sending a message why or apologizing.

 

At this point I think I am dealing with someone that is crazy and I will try to retract slowly.

 

I cannot explain her behavior in any way other than that she is just trying to be vindictive over something or is seeking self-assurance. She obviously has no intention to talk about things and is just playing a game which is totally ****ed up.

Edited May 26, 2016 by klanias

[Audacious]

So, update.

 

Yesterday she invited me to meet her earlier at her place. I said ok since I was not busy. Then at last moment she cancels saying that she had some problems at work and couldn't make it. Her message was very weird since it was very intimate after a long time being totally cold. To be honest I was kinda expecting it since from what I have understood she is just playing at this point.

She then said that she would try to make it after her dinner if it wasn't too late. Of course again she didn't come without sending a message why or apologizing.

 

At this point I think I am dealing with someone that is crazy and I will try to retract slowly.

 

I cannot explain her behavior in any way other than that she is just trying to be vindictive over something or is seeking self-assurance. She obviously has no intention to talk about things and is just playing a game which is totally ****ed up.

Dude , she is not crazy but she is playing your feelings like a piano ,

for the above mentioned reasons , and for the sake of your own sanity and mental well-being , drop her , she ain't no good

 

she's a professional manipulative bullsh$#ter , and you don't want someone like that in your life

[klanias]

I totally agree. After what happened yesterday it became clear to me that she is doing it to try to manipulate me. But it is now just plain amusing, not affecting me at all.

 

However, I am really curious. What are the psychological reasons that would cause someone to behave in such a way, especially all of a sudden?

 

I know that not all people are well-balanced but this is just sad.

[Emilia]

So, update.

 

Yesterday she invited me to meet her earlier at her place. I said ok since I was not busy. Then at last moment she cancels saying that she had some problems at work and couldn't make it. Her message was very weird since it was very intimate after a long time being totally cold. To be honest I was kinda expecting it since from what I have understood she is just playing at this point.

 

She then said that she would try to make it after her dinner if it wasn't too late. Of course again she didn't come without sending a message why or apologizing.

 

At this point I think I am dealing with someone that is crazy and I will try to retract slowly.

 

I cannot explain her behavior in any way other than that she is just trying to be vindictive over something or is seeking self-assurance. She obviously has no intention to talk about things and is just playing a game which is totally ****ed up.

I think she is crazy, you meet people like this, a crazy person is much more likely to jump into things the way she did.

 

She has issues.

 

I know it's hard to untangle yourself but it has been a very short time, seriously a month or so and you won't think about her.

 

Are you going to leave it alone now?

[Emilia]

I totally agree. After what happened yesterday it became clear to me that she is doing it to try to manipulate me. But it is now just plain amusing, not affecting me at all.

 

However, I am really curious. What are the psychological reasons that would cause someone to behave in such a way, especially all of a sudden?

I know that not all people are well-balanced but this is just sad.

You shouldn't wonder what makes a person behave like this because whatever you do, you can't comprehend it and it just draws you in more and makes it harder to move on.

 

Take it from someone who is speaking from experience.

 

Makes sense?

[klanias]

Yes, I will leave it now. But I want to distance myself slowly and not show that I am angry or anything, because I really am not.

[Emilia]

Yes, I will leave it now. But I want to distance myself slowly and not show that I am angry or anything, because I really am not.

No. You cut contact with her now and not respond to any of her texts.

 

Don't worry about what that looks like. The point is, you want to cut this off right now. When she realises that you do, she will keep contacting you.

 

You have to be strong and cut it off.

 

You know I'm talking sense.