She approached me..What does this all mean?

[UltimaWeapon]

We are both 25. Started talking to girl before I left on vacation summer of 2014 - we hit it off- we talked everyday- even on the phone- she said she couldn't wait for me to come back. Month later when I did return- we ended up going on one date and spent hours together we both seemed to have a great time- ended up making out for a long time as well at the end of the night- but it seemed like she was juggling a few guys at a time or something was up..she started giving me excuses and went from Extremely hot to extremely cold. I assumed based on my past experiences this was due to someone else in the picture- she played games and gave me mixed messages until I decided to call things off and just walk away..

 

She reached out to me several times after I walked away from the situation during those 2 months but I ignored all those messages.

 

" Hope you are doing good"

"Sorry :("

" Did you block me?"

 

Etc..

Eventually..

 

she messaged me again stating how she was sad how I disappeared and how she really was into me but was not ready for a relationship (which made no sense cuz she was seeing someone when she messaged me) I saw them at the mall back in Jan 2015. I responded to her at that time and told her I don't know what you want or expect from me at this point and that I did what I could to show you what I wanted. She read the message and never replied- I haven't heard from her since than (January 2015)

 

Flash forward to May 2016:

 

I saw her at a local festival yesterday and she approached me and slapped my behind and walked away turning back smiling.

 

I was taken back by this because I haven't talked to her or seen her since January 2015 which was basically the last time we had any contact. I did not know how to react so I just brushed it off and acknowledged her and smiled back- I did not want to act pissed or anything because it would show her im still affected ( even though I was really disappointed at how things ended)

 

At the festival I found her constantly staring at me and smiling and seeing where I was/ what I was doing/ who I was with- I even walked by her table and she was just smiling and blushing- it was as if she wanted to approach or talk to me but didn't know how to do it. I would look up at times and see her just staring at me.

 

I found myself constantly looking back at her as well and just sort of lost from it all. I guess she was the one that got away and it always left me wondering- what if?

 

I think I played it well yesterday and I remained aloof to the whole situation in terms of me not approaching her or talking to her and Im assuming those were signs on her end to try and spark something up?

 

Ive been with 2 girls since I tried to get with her- I had a 6 month fling (ended September 2015) and another 3 month fling that didn't work out (Ended March 2016) and went on some other dates with other girls but that desire or attraction just wasn't the same as it was with her. My past consists of a long term 4.5 year relationship and several flings that lasted a few months and I can honestly say in my 25 years on this planet..that I have never felt that much desire or attraction for any girl in such a short amount of time than I did for her - and it seems that its still there lol

 

So the question is- now that she is single ( she was in a relationship for about a year and a half - the period of time that we haven't had any contact basically) it seems that this ended recently- is she trying to give me signs shes interested?

Edited May 23, 2016 by UltimaWeapon

[Versacehottie]

Sure seems like it could be. I think life is too short to not go after what you want. And you still want her, so take a chance. It could turn out to be the best thing you ever did. Good luck

[smackie9]

Hmmmm seems you were right she was picking through her options at the time and did end up with a BF.

 

Is say give it a shot, but back off she starts flaking on you again.

[UltimaWeapon]

Sure seems like it could be. I think life is too short to not go after what you want. And you still want her, so take a chance. It could turn out to be the best thing you ever did. Good luck

 

I do still want her, the only thing that is preventing me is my pride and the fact that I wasn't her first choice and she played games with me. Granted, we weren't in a relationship or anything- she really did not owe me anything to which I understand now that these things will happen when dating. Some times you will lose out to someone else but that person may come back or show interest again? The problem here is..do you give that person a chance again?

 

What would I even say to her in a message?

[UltimaWeapon]

Hmmmm seems you were right she was picking through her options at the time and did end up with a BF.

 

Is say give it a shot, but back off she starts flaking on you again.

 

 

How would I approach the situation? What would I even say to her in a text? Should I be the one reaching out in this instance or should it be her?

[Heracles]

Let her reach out and do at least 75% of the work.

If you get any more invested in this, it will be very painful for you.

You don't believe me? Listen to the conventional type of advice and see what happens

 

Your success in this will be proportionate to the amount of self-control you can muster. Refrain from displaying too much emotion.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Heracles

[Buddhist]

I do still want her, the only thing that is preventing me is my pride and the fact that I wasn't her first choice and she played games with me.

 

So.....you're willing to throw away a chance with the only girl you've felt that way about over your ego? Okay then, if you can live with that. It's unlikely she is going to come begging at your door to appease your ego. Clearly she has no problems getting a BF. She'll just move on.

[Versacehottie]

I do still want her, the only thing that is preventing me is my pride and the fact that I wasn't her first choice and she played games with me. Granted, we weren't in a relationship or anything- she really did not owe me anything to which I understand now that these things will happen when dating. Some times you will lose out to someone else but that person may come back or show interest again? The problem here is..do you give that person a chance again?

 

What would I even say to her in a message?

 

Well, I think you are being too hung up on something that happened 2 years ago--correction, may have happened. You don't even know if there really was or the actual nature of what was going on with some other guy or if that's the reason she wasn't dating you, right? I would put that far in the past. To me, once you saw each other at the festival, if you both acted fine that's in the past. You can give a person a chance cautiously. Don't assume or fill in the blanks for her or get hung up on before. You never even had a relationship that was bf/gf so treat it as a semi-clean slate. You are two years older and wiser in general. Don't hold onto past hurts about her, just move forward smartly, like a guy who is more confident in himself and what he wants, as in balance (balanced-relationships) and better communication.

 

Take the lead. Part of how you show that you are not insecure or doormat-y is to take the lead. Set the pace. Do the confident thing. You can still manage issues of pride and self-respect WITHIN an interaction. Start simple and small (ish). Make sure she meets your standards of being in your life. You can say something as easy as: "it was great running into you on sunday" "we should catch up". I'm sure we can help with more suggestions but it's as simple as that or some version of that.

[Jabron1]

I do still want her, the only thing that is preventing me is my pride and the fact that I wasn't her first choice and she played games with me.

 

Your ego is invested, and you are heavily outcome dependent. That's not good at all.

 

You are attaching all of this importance to her in your mind that she doesn't deserve. You are putting her on a pedestal. I strongly suggest not contacting her until unless you change your mindset first.

 

I know, because I have went back for girls myself many times.

 

She's just another girl, just another option. If you see it this way, it will be no harm no foul. If you can't see it this way, then you are in for trouble here and I suggest that you go no-contact.

 

You'll know if you are in the right frame, because you would be outcome independent. You wouldn't be so bothered about contacting her at all. You wouldn't make such a big deal about it.

 

Your ego would be completely separate from your dealings with this girl.

 

As it stands you cannot separate the two, and I don't think this is such a good idea.

Edited May 24, 2016 by Jabron1

[smackie9]

How would I approach the situation? What would I even say to her in a text? Should I be the one reaching out in this instance or should it be her?

She already reached out to you at the festival. Man up and ask her out. Nothing changes unless you are willing to take risks. Risking might not always get positive results but it's better than standing still letting life pass you by.

[UltimaWeapon]

The thing is what really ticked me off back in Nov 2014 is the fact she told me to forget about her and that she couldn't be with me right now. I found out through social media that there was someone else in the picture which explained the hot and cold behavior.

 

I realized I was not getting anywhere and completely cut her off and went no contact and than she started messaging me again.

 

She ended up messaging me in Jan 2015 and started saying how she fell for me but couldn't be with me and was sad how I just disappeared- this is after I saw her and her new bf walking hand in hand at the mall.

 

This is what drove me crazy- how can you tell me to forget about you but than 2 months later tell me how much you like me and how hard you fell for me but you aren't ready- when she knows I saw her with someone else.

 

This is what I mean by her playing games with me and sending me mixed messages.

 

Like I said..it seems that that relationship recently ended based on my sources. So from what I know she is currently single and that would explain her constantly smiling/staring at me and saying hi to me at the festival and seemingly trying to re-ignite something.

 

This is why im torn on what to do a part of me wants her and the other part is telling me not too because of what HAPPENED

 

Based on the responses above- I should treat this as a clean slate again?

Edited May 24, 2016 by UltimaWeapon

[joseb]

OP, you are worrying about this and over thinking it way too much.

 

Just ask her out and go from there. Stop trying to figure out ever little step in the past. She will either say yes or no. Either way, no big deal. That's the way you need to approach it.

 

If you keep obsessing about it all you will either do nothing or come on too strong or too intense.

[UltimaWeapon]

Well, I think you are being too hung up on something that happened 2 years ago--correction, may have happened. You don't even know if there really was or the actual nature of what was going on with some other guy or if that's the reason she wasn't dating you, right? I would put that far in the past. To me, once you saw each other at the festival, if you both acted fine that's in the past. You can give a person a chance cautiously. Don't assume or fill in the blanks for her or get hung up on before. You never even had a relationship that was bf/gf so treat it as a semi-clean slate. You are two years older and wiser in general. Don't hold onto past hurts about her, just move forward smartly, like a guy who is more confident in himself and what he wants, as in balance (balanced-relationships) and better communication.

 

Take the lead. Part of how you show that you are not insecure or doormat-y is to take the lead. Set the pace. Do the confident thing. You can still manage issues of pride and self-respect WITHIN an interaction. Start simple and small (ish). Make sure she meets your standards of being in your life. You can say something as easy as: "it was great running into you on sunday" "we should catch up". I'm sure we can help with more suggestions but it's as simple as that or some version of that.

 

Thank you for the great reply. I am really considering messaging her again after reading this and am trying to change my mindset into thinking its a clean slate and just going for it again. I just got hurt pretty bad by her in the past and I don't know if its smart to try anything. I guess I won't ever know my answer unless I try?

[SilverAccount]

Your ego is playing a big part in all the responses. Maybe it is just the way you are, but just make the choice, do you want her or not? If you really do, then man up and do it, if you don't she will move on to someone who will please her fast by the sound of it.

[PogoStick]

You shouldn't reward a girl who plays games. She's a time waster. She doesn't want you as much as she wants the validation you give her. Prepare to be strung along some more if you chase her again.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you for the great reply. I am really considering messaging her again after reading this and am trying to change my mindset into thinking its a clean slate and just going for it again. I just got hurt pretty bad by her in the past and I don't know if its smart to try anything. I guess I won't ever know my answer unless I try?

 

You're welcome. I agree with Jabron that you need to separate your ego, the past from this if you want to go forward with a healthy attitude. That's why you are overthinking it. Just decide if the objective (dating her) is more of a priority than how you are interpreting your self-respect (ego). I think if you really think about it acting like you want her and wanting her but doing nothing because your afraid of it makes your ego look is hiding nothing. You are acting, in a way that is kinda transparent, as a guy who's ego is ALREADY hurt, ego bruised. And not doing anything when you want to date her is more of the same.

 

Manage your interactions with her going forward in a self-respecting way and you will get your self-respect back. I agree though that you need to change your mindset and shore it up before you try that. First of all, two years ago, let it go. You don't even know the whole story and it doesn't matter anymore anyway. If you honestly believe that she was purposely disrespecting you, and thus you don't see value in her or respect her as much, than don't date her. If you think she was probably just doing what she felt was best for her at that time, which is understandable for anyone, then make peace with it inside and let it go. She is just a girl--same as many others. Try to see things from her possible point of view: maybe she had a crush/flirtation thing with you which she enjoyed and would have liked to pursue; yet you took it very seriously and are sitting there hurt 2 years later when she just thinks there is a chance to explore a flirtation she has always had. Different levels of interpretation and priority and lots of assumption made because of it (on your part).

 

Lower your expectations and interpretations and move forward if you can mentally clean slate and take her off the pedestal. Work on your self-esteem--don't just hand it over to another person. She is no more powerful than you are. Good luck

[preraph]

You do realize that if you date her, she's almost certainly going to see other guys behind your back? Now, at her age and yours, there's nothing wrong with dating around and everything right with it, but if that is going to continue to bother you, then before you agree to try dating, you need to sit down and tell her that unlike her other bf, you would have a real problem knowing she was seeing others. If that's how you feel, of course. Otherwise, enjoy going out and don't take it very seriously and date others as well. Good luck.

[Jabron1]

Reminds me a bit of that Trevor Something song.

 

"I cant tell you nothing cause you just know it all

and even if i tried you would just straight ignore my call

 

well let me tell you something, there is no me and you

and when you're drunk you think its okay to text me out the blue

 

but that isn't cool and life isn't fair

its so difficult i try not to care

 

theres feelings involved i got to let go

we have to move on continue to grow

 

you want me to come get you but thats not happening

you've probably f*cked up and broke up with your new boyfriend

 

well im not that replacement cause i was there before

and if you think there's something left there's nothing anymore "

 

 

Trevor Something - 'So far away'.

Edited May 25, 2016 by Jabron1

[UltimaWeapon]

Since I saw her Sunday night (May 22nd) .. I decided to give myself a few days to re think things and just see what was is the right thing to do. I haven't reached out yet.

 

I have a few questions:

 

Did she do enough to warrant interest in me again? I feel like if she truly wanted something to happen she should have tried to talk to me and at least take me to the side and just tell me she would like to try again or something or at least try to catch up or something.

 

She didn't really do any of that- it was more of flirtation on her end but without any words either- we just looked and stared and smiled back and forth the entire night.

 

I don't want to come across as the puppy boy dog who chases after her after she stares and smiles at me and approaches to say hi. Even though a part of me would like to go out on another date and try again I just am really conflicted because I wasted a couple of months in pursuit of her before and I don't want to do that again.

 

Would that be considered chasing again If I reached out?

 

The reason I am saying this is because last year my ex decided to message me after 2 years of no contact stating she wanted to see me again and wanted to meet up and how she wasn't over me again. I declined because I was seeing someone else at the time and did not want to get into anything again with her. Comparing it to this instance- whether we were together or not- I feel it should be on her to go after me now...or am I wrong in this?

 

I know many said to go after it and not be passive but at the same time I did do all of that before and pursued and showed her I wanted her and she lead me on and played games- its not like she is a new girl who I haven't approached yet or anything. So its a bit different in this case

Edited May 25, 2016 by UltimaWeapon

[UltimaWeapon]

I decided If I was to reach out - I would do it by tomorrow night. A few days would have gone by and I would have thought about it a bit better.

My message would be something along the lines of this:

 

It was nice seeing you after all this time- I would like to catch up with you and go out for drinks this week. If that is something you would like, let me know.

 

Not sure what else I could even add lol

[UltimaWeapon]

You shouldn't reward a girl who plays games. She's a time waster. She doesn't want you as much as she wants the validation you give her. Prepare to be strung along some more if you chase her again.

 

This is exactly what I am trying to avoid and what is making me so conflicted

[Versacehottie]

Since I saw her Sunday night (May 22nd) .. I decided to give myself a few days to re think things and just see what was is the right thing to do. I haven't reached out yet.

 

I have a few questions:

 

Did she do enough to warrant interest in me again? I feel like if she truly wanted something to happen she should have tried to talk to me and at least take me to the side and just tell me she would like to try again or something or at least try to catch up or something.

She didn't really do any of that- it was more of flirtation on her end but without any words either- we just looked and stared and smiled back and forth the entire night.

 

I don't want to come across as the puppy boy dog who chases after her after she stares and smiles at me and approaches to say hi. Even though a part of me would like to go out on another date and try again I just am really conflicted because I wasted a couple of months in pursuit of her before and I don't want to do that again.

 

Would that be considered chasing again If I reached out?

 

The reason I am saying this is because last year my ex decided to message me after 2 years of no contact stating she wanted to see me again and wanted to meet up and how she wasn't over me again. I declined because I was seeing someone else at the time and did not want to get into anything again with her. Comparing it to this instance- whether we were together or not- I feel it should be on her to go after me now...or am I wrong in this?

 

I know many said to go after it and not be passive but at the same time I did do all of that before and pursued and showed her I wanted her and she lead me on and played games- its not like she is a new girl who I haven't approached yet or anything. So its a bit different in this case

 

woah! ok, way way way too much overthinking here. That alone is beta and/or passive and showing that you might not be in the best place to pursue anything with her. You need to let the past go if you are going to proceed.

 

Don't make it so complicated. You are keeping score in a game I suspect she doesn't even know she is playing.

 

About your first point bolded: well, only you can really answer that. I thought it was enough. I know if i ran into an alpha guy who I had something in the past with, and he was still interested and I flirted in the least (which she did), he would be all over that, either in the moment or shortly thereafter. What you said in your first post made me think she was interested enough. Now you are so conflicted it makes me question if she really was flirtatious. Bottom line, if she was flirtatious then go for it. I'm worried though that your dating style and hers may never match up. To need that much reassurance in order to proceed saying a simple thing like "let's catch up" and expect her to do it as if the "end goal" is a clear target is ridiculous. She's going to take baby steps likely and so are you. No one knows what's going to happen in the end, which is why she would have never debated it to the nth degree in her head to think "if i really want ultimaweapon to ask me out, i will have to do xyz amount of flirting and reassurance". She flirts, you reciprocate, you flirt, she reciprocates---that's how it goes. I thought she hit your a** or something like that? And you didn't talk? Hmmm, it would have been better if you did-but you were probably overthinking stuff!!! Ok, nonverbal is ok too but you need to think more alpha, sorry. (and I hate that word, I just don't know how else to tell you to man up!)

 

Ok to your second point of not wanting to chase her. Well that's why it's better to be more spontaneous and in the moment, ie ask when you see her, text or contact her later that day or the very next. Effectively you are chasing her---which is fine! Guys are supposed to do that and we like it, if we like the guy. But if you want to make it more in the moment (less like you are at home debating with yourself and stuck on her a week later) you ask in the moment, like "wow, it's been great talking to you, we should catch up more outside of this event next week". I'm not explaining it well but I hope you get it. And one contact to see her is not full blown chasing puppy dog style. It's confident; a guy who jumps on his opportunities. You don't need to think farther than that bit of contact. You are not obligated to pursue anything if she starts jerking you around. Why wouldn't you just trust yourself to make those decisions along the way?? Whether it's with this one or another girl, if you don't get that skill in your pocket, you are gonna keep getting screwed over. You evaluate ALONG the way. Every step of it. Thus, she was being nice and fun at the festival, that is why she is deserving of a call by you.

 

OMG, the business about the pattern of what happened with your ex, is absolutely silly! People are different; they are going to behave differently. Don't bring your baggage or presumed patterns from a relationship with an ex to this person. It's unfair.

 

You need your own standards and to rely on your own instincts. If you believe she led you on purposely and from a hurtful place, then she shouldn't be worthy of anything from you. I think you are just way too sensitive and that's not really how it went down which is why you still have feelings for her.

 

Bottom line, it's as simple as this: do you want to see her again? If so, then do what it takes to make that happen.

[Versacehottie]

This is exactly what I am trying to avoid and what is making me so conflicted

 

From one text or call? Come on!!!! You have power of choice and free will. If she jerks you around, then you can walk away at any time. You are so hung up on protecting your pride that you are not living your life and not fooling anyone. How silly is it to make eyes at her all night and do nothing??!?! You should have either blown her off since she doesn't deserve your respect OR make a move because you still like her. Not fooling her or protecting your pride. Cat's already out of the bag that you still like her.

[Versacehottie]

I decided If I was to reach out - I would do it by tomorrow night. A few days would have gone by and I would have thought about it a bit better.

My message would be something along the lines of this:

 

It was nice seeing you after all this time- I would like to catch up with you and go out for drinks this week. If that is something you would like, let me know.

 

Not sure what else I could even add lol

 

That's a fine message. If you want to play it step by step split it. First say: it was great to see you. Then depending on her response, you say some version of the next part. She may even suggest to you that you should catch up that you desperately want her to initiate.

 

Add personality or whatever is personal to the two of you. Some little inside thing you guys talk about or whatever.

[PogoStick]

I would like to hear how this turns out. Post updates on your choices and how she responds!