Loss of a parent + maybe end of relationship?

[abadyear]

My mother passed away a couple of weeks ago. It was a shock. She had been ill, but was in seemingly stable condition. I'm in my late twenties. I never imagined I would lose her so young.

 

I'm engaged to a man I've been with since high school, Mark. If you asked me a few weeks ago I would've told you there was no one I adored more in the world. Since my mother's death I can barely stand the air he breathes.

 

I don't know why. He hasn't done anything or said anything other than being supportive and I'm not mad really at him or anyone else, but even talking to him feels unbearable.

 

I'm not sure our relationship can survive this. I'm not sure I want it to. I don't want to make any rash decisions because I know I'm grieving, but I just can't understand why I loathe him so all of a sudden. It just feels so hard even being around him and all his comfort just feels hollow.

 

And no, I don't feel like myself and I'm not sure I ever will again.

 

I guess, LoveShack, I'm asking what should I do? Should I confide in him about how I feel? Should I wait this out? Should I hit pause on this relationship or maybe stop? Has anyone ever experienced loss and then this?

[Cherryz]

Im so sorry about your mom.

Time is a great healing.

 

The dead of your mom is so fresh, so it sure bring many emotions with it.

And maybe you do feel like no one understand the pain you feeling and the WAY that you are feeling it. Or understand how it hurts.

And maybe you feel like you not getting that from him or the way you want it and that annoys you. Or that he cant relate to you or you cant relate to him the way you want to right now.

 

Even-thou he is supportive and even thou no one can feel it the way you do and if someone never lost his/ her mom they cant relate to you in that matter.

They can feel sad for you and support you just. So you cant blame them.

And also not everyone know how to act to people that lost someone.

They can only try to do their best and hugg and kiss you and so on.

 

But i think you have to be honest in this time to him. Because its also that if you dont tell someone how you feel or think they cant know!

Let him know the real deal! What you need and how you need it. And that you need some space.

And be around your brother and sisters and family much more now,

since you guys share the same sadness and also they know you and can give you some kind of warm feeling and understand what you are feeling.

 

And if you feel you need to break up or take a break of this relationship, tell him.

And maybe you guys can still talk as friends,and still visit each other but on a friends way, like with no pressure of gf/bf. And maybe with time get back together as a couple.

 

Either way dont isolate yourself whole time. You need your friends and family around you. And at some point also to get you to do fun stuff. And see there is still reason to live. And its good to speak up your feelings specially in this time, tell people how you feel and when you miss your mom. Its all part of the healing progress.

And know that dead is not the end. There is a chance for you to see your mom again when Jesus comes back.

[Buddhist]

You are feeling bad about him because you're unconsciously projecting all your anger about your mother leaving right now, onto him. It happens and it's pretty common. It's too early in the grieving process for him to be involved. Your best bet is to be honest with him, tell him losing your mom was a total shock and because of that you just have nothing to offer him right now. You want some time alone to process this. He can't help you grieve, he's not grieving and his presence is just going to annoy the hell out of you.

 

Reassure him you will be back but this kind of thing is not something to take lightly nor anything that can be hurried. You are a seething mass of conflict right now and the best thing for your relationship is to take that emotion out of it for a while.

 

This is a really good article on what you're experiencing.

 

http://www.hellogrief.org/the-behavior-of-the-bereaved/

Edited May 23, 2016 by Buddhist

[d0nnivain]

Please accept my condolences about the loss of your beloved mom. I was older then you when my mom died & it still knocked me for a loop. I was off-kilter about everything. Nothing made sense. Don't make any big, rash decisions right now while you are grieving. Understand it will probably take at least 1 year if not more for you to feel less horrible. Hopefully your FI will understand why you have to postpone the wedding. I wouldn't break up with him just yet in this state but do put things on hold. Perhaps join a grief support group or get therapy if you are having trouble functioning.

[kztar]

I am so sorry for your loss. I have not been through this process yet but I've seen my mother go through this and it was very hard for her.

 

I would simply put things on hold because I believe those emotions come with the grieving of a parent, specially a mother. When my grandmother passed away four years ago my mother basically told all of us with the exception of my little sister, that her mother was gone and she had nothing left in life to fight for, that life didn't make sense. She seemed to be pretty careless about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. One day she even told my father in the face that she didn't care for him and so on. Mind you they have been together over 30 years and married 27 right now. To me she never said she didn't care but she did tell me that she only had my younger sister to raise and everything else was whatever.

 

We never took this personal because we were aware that those emotions came along with her grieving process. Everyone grieves different. I would speak with your FI and im sure he will understand. You will need some time to get past this.

[gracelight935]

If you recognize he's not done anything and it's likely part of the grieving process, I think you've answered your own question. Don't push away the support you have in him right now- you may look back a year from now and regret losing both your mom and him. Do you have another form of support you can reach out to?- a church/pastor, a friend? Getting an objective point of view may help. I would also reach out to your pcp- they can write prescriptions that can help lift the pain you're feeling. Praying you'll find some peace. Revelation 21:4

[Dis]

If you recognize he's not done anything and it's likely part of the grieving process, I think you've answered your own question. Don't push away the support you have in him right now- you may look back a year from now and regret losing both your mom and him. Do you have another form of support you can reach out to?- a church/pastor, a friend? Getting an objective point of view may help. I would also reach out to your pcp- they can write prescriptions that can help lift the pain you're feeling. Praying you'll find some peace. Revelation 21:4

 

What makes you assume the OP is Christian? Let's not advertise religions here and let the OP think for herself hun.

 

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine the pain you're feeling. It sounds like this is just part of the grieving process seeing as these feelings arose as soon as your mother passed. I wouldnt throw away a man that has stood by you since high school. I would however express that I needed space and time to heal on my own. I think going to therapy might be a good idea for you. Best of luck to you OP Xoxo

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry for your loss.

There are times when only your mom will do and he's not her but that's not his fault.

 

Apologize to him but let him know you just hurt so badly inside. Let him be there for you.

[SilverAccount]

Gosh I am so sorry, I can't imagine the grief. Remember you don't want to throw this relationship away, two different types of grievance is hard. Talk to one another.

 

Time will help these wounds and I'm sure your lovely husband will understand, you can work through this.