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Honest thoughts needed: Red flags or not?


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So here goes. I have posted about this same guy before but now my head is kind of spinning and I think I need some honest opinions. Sorry for the long post...

 

I have "known" this guy since last year, we have common friends and so on. But only this year we actually started talking after his friend "hook" us up. He initiated the contact (asked his friend to give me his number). After chatting with him during the first minutes I found out that he had just moved out of country.

 

Anyway we kept in touch and he initiated phone calls and Skype etc. We could talk for hours. We seemed to hit it on well and I kept it kind of casual and light until he said he is coming to visit me.

 

Our common friend said that sometimes he can be kind of idiot / jerk but I also found that out e.g. once after an argument he just stopped keeping in touch with me. But we got past that. Solved the issues and so on. Longest time we have gone without communicating has been during that time. We keep in touch daily.

 

Sometimes he is too sarcastic or has weird sense of humour. But then again he is very caring and loving. Such a weird mixture. I find him fascinating and very smart but complex. I also wonder if he has long term potential and if he will be able to fix his life (e.g. financial / apartment / job / school).

 

We have now met 3 times, in which we have travelled to see each other (me there or he here). All of these times we have spent almost 24/7 together. E.g. Almost one week together. Doing "couple" stuff.

 

He calls me honey and darling and we have been intimate too. Last time he said we are dating, after first time we met he didn't want to comment on what we are. But wanted to keep options open, like we ending up as couple or what not. He also said he has never told anyone that he loves them. But also said it is possibility that he will fall in love with me.

 

But the problem is his ex. I am not sure why he don't want to talk about her. He won't tell me why they for example broke up. I have noticed that I look very similar to his ex. And one day I was wearing something similar as she has and he kept saying how wonderful I look. So when he stopped answering me I asked our common friends to check her fb (if there was clue for his weird behaviour, stalkers... yes I know very mature). There were some posts about her maybe moving to another country and something romantic about this guy. But not much. Only like 2 posts during past 9 months or so about him. Rest of it was normal fb stuff.

 

He told me that she is crazy and likes to screw his life over. When he is trying to move on from her. In my opinion it is more likely that she is not crazy but he is leading her on some how. Or maybe they never broke up.

 

I have met his friends and some family members. So if he is cheating on her it would be kind of stupid. Since he would be quite easily caught. He also knows that I know who his ex is (since our common friends). So I could just easily tell her. Too much of a risk for him? So maybe she is crazy? Or she doesn't care what he does?

 

I have learned to deal with his jerkness and he has opened up to me a lot. Explaining his behaviour etc. Telling me about his childhood and so on.

 

He says being with me is so relaxing, and he is happy with me, and I have helped him a lot and everything is so much easier when I am around. You know. All kinds of sweet things.

 

I feel very content and good with him. I have no reason to doubt his words or actions.

 

He did once cancel our plans because of his work but still we managed to figure it out after all. (I had to first cancel too but was able to travel after all).

 

He is very romantic and caring and big softie even he acts like a tough guy. We have talked about his defences and issues and so on. He thinks I am wonderful and understanding.

 

My gut is telling me that he is kind of using me as rebound or substitute to his ex or somekind of conduit to explore himself as boyfriend. Our friend says he wants to settle down. I just have this feeling that I am helping him to get over his baggage so he can be perfect for someone else. At the same time I do feel like we are getting to know each other, things are moving nice and slowly and we are building this foundation for future together.

 

It is very new and raw and kind of testing the waters since neither one of us has done this before. We have talked about me moving there next year. Like when I left the last time I was there I said get ready for me coming here to stay and he said you're very welcome.

 

I have learned to trust my intuition and I kind of think I should walk now. But then again I have nothing to lose. And I really like him. He has kind of given me back my trust for the future and hope that there are good guys out there who are of my taste. My friends are worried that this thing will crush me if he is still with his ex.

 

I need some outsider views on the matter. Any thoughts?

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It's not always baseless, but someone referring to their ex as "crazy" is always at least a yellow flag for me.

 

I usually take quite a bit of time away from dating after a relationship ends. I've found that this way, by time I get involved with someone again, I'm able to speak neutrally about an ex, even if there were behavioral issues involved.

 

These aren't one-size-fits-all situations, but from what you describe, it does sound like there's some pieces of evidence to support the notion that he's not yet emotionally detached from his ex.

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^ For me calling ex as crazy is kind of red flag but then again who am I to blame others since I actually do have crazy ex. :D So I guess it is ok to refer to them being crazy once. Which has happened in his case. And he hasnt talked about many of his previous relationships. Only about her and this other one. And he is not calling both of them crazy.

 

He also admitted about 2 months ago that he needs to get over his ex 100 % and wash her off his system.

 

I have some stuff to deal with myself. So for me that is not deal breaker right now. If he really is done with her and he also said he has had his rebound.

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Have you done some reading up on signs and traits which are red flags to look out for considering your history?

 

I would keep my eyes open in this case.

One crazy ex is different to a succession of them.

Bad things that happened to him - were they always someone else's fault? (This can include work/family/anything bad).

 

You mentioned him coming to visit you so it must be LD.

Make sure he gets a hotel.

Staying at your place and then 'being 24/7' makes a person ignore some flags which come up. I know because I have done and felt bad about kicking the guy out so I didn't. I should have just kicked him out.

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I would be very careful about tolerating jerkish behavior. If you're experiencing it just by your engaging him online and the 3 times you've been with him, things could be very different when you're actually up close and personal if you both should ever move closer together. The common reasoning -- a bad past, childhood, blaming others, etc. doesn't justify bad behavior.

 

Unfortunately, the distance doesn't really allow you to fully see him for who he is. Don't tolerate -- make sure you keep your eyes open.

 

Also, having admitted he hasn't fully gotten over his ex, I have to also wonder if what he's doing with you maybe a stepping stone for him.

 

Calling an ex crazy -- a red flag, at least speaking from my experience.

Edited by Zahara
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He hasnt done anything jerkish its more like him saying stuff. I never felt like we couldnt get a long or that I had a need to kick him out or leave his place. It is kind of difficult to explain. But he also said he was acting like that because once he was acting all sweet and everything in the beginning and then when he was being himself the other person couldnt tolerate him.

 

He hasnt called me names or crossed any physical boundaries. He is very gentle with me. And always making sure I am safe and okay. Maybe him being jerk is more like saying inapproriate jokes or being way too sarcastic.

 

He is not blaming anyone for anything. He is and has taken full responsibility for his life and actions.

 

Yes. I have done lot of reading. :)

 

I have no problem kicking people out. I have kicked guys out of my place no matter the time when I felt like it. Some of them never talked to me again. And it is fine by me.

 

I have also stood my ground to him and told him when he is crossing lines and then he calms down.

 

But yeah what I am mostly worried about is me being stepping stone.

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I have also paid close attention to his behaviour towards other people. He is very polite to everyone. Saying hello and opening doors, carrying bags, he drives fast but safely. He is chatting up people and wishing them best and he can have meaningful discussions even with Uber drivers.

 

He has this i dont give a duck attitude.

 

Now I have good example of him being jerk. He asked me if I think he likes me. When I said I think he more than likes me. He said: duck off.

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But he also said he was acting like that because once he was acting all sweet and everything in the beginning and then when he was being himself the other person couldnt tolerate him.

 

This is roundabout talk to me. It makes no sense.

 

He hasnt called me names or crossed any physical boundaries. He is very gentle with me. And always making sure I am safe and okay. Maybe him being jerk is more like saying inapproriate jokes or being way too sarcastic.

 

In any case, don't tolerate and "learn to deal." Just keep an eye open and have boundaries. As I said, you don't get to feel his full potential but what you do get to see is just bits and pieces of him with the little time you get to spend together. I don't mean to be pessimistic but cautious in that anyone can present to be whatever they want to be especially in your situation and if you're hearing these jerkish/inappropriate/extreme sarcasm comments/jokes already, I have to wonder if there is more underneath all of that.

 

Are you out there meeting other guys and dating? You both aren't exclusive so it doesn't hurt for you to open up yourself to other options.

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I do think it's a red flag, but I don't know that you can tell for sure how bad it is. Now, I had a bf once who I broke off with who hired an assistant decades later and when i went to one of his gigs, she came up to me, and the way she looked and walked and everthing was like looking in a mirror of me when I was younger and she said "Hi, I'm the new you."

 

The woman he married right after me is nothing like me at all physically or mentally, though. But maybe this guy has a type and his friend thought you might fit his type. Ask him what's his type and try to get some more info.

 

Also, divide every crap thing he does say about his ex in half and remember it takes two. A big red flag is if he is more than the normal bitter and blames it all on women.

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He has this i dont give a duck attitude.

 

Now I have good example of him being jerk. He asked me if I think he likes me. When I said I think he more than likes me. He said: duck off.

 

Yep, not good.

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hippychick3

I think you should trust your gut. I had the same feeling you are having as I was reading your post.

 

I wouldn't necessarily just end things with him. I would just step back and not be exclusively dating this guy. Especially with the distance, it should be easy to date others.

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What I meant by my previous comment about tolerating other person I have good example. I like to eat pizza and play video games. So I go out on a date and dont tell this dude that. Then he asks me out and I say I cant because new game is out and I will be playing whole weekend. This dude dont understand it and gets mad. Now I already say in the beginning that I play and eat guys can either deal with it or walk away.

 

So in that sense I understand him farting and saying stupid jokes. So that later on its not a shock.

 

And by learning to deal with him it is more like not taking everything so personally but also growing thicker skin. So for example if he says something I dont dwell on it or think too much.

 

I have given him hard time and I think he is learning also. Because his behaviour is also changing.

 

I am keeping my options open and also seeing and talking to other people. But right now Im also occupied with other stuff than just dating.

 

He is not bitter or blaming women or saying nasty stuff about women.

 

And I did ask him he has a thing for xxx. And he said guess so. But also he would like me no matter i would look.

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Yep, not good.

 

I know! First he says that then he says how happy he has been and where I have beem hiding all of his life.

 

It is so weird because we understand each other in some deep level. We for example finish each other sentences or say out same stuff at the same time and so on. He is sometimes heavy with his compliments and then again he can say something so stupid.

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He hasnt done anything jerkish its more like him saying stuff. I never felt like we couldnt get a long or that I had a need to kick him out or leave his place. It is kind of difficult to explain. But he also said he was acting like that because once he was acting all sweet and everything in the beginning and then when he was being himself the other person couldnt tolerate him.

 

I guess it depends what you consider normal/jerkish/disrespectful to you and others he might talk about. If you would say the same (not just think it but say it) then OK.

Be aware though that reading up and putting into practice are different things.

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Arieswoman

Fruitee #7

 

Now I have good example of him being jerk. He asked me if I think he likes me. When I said I think he more than likes me. He said: duck off.

 

I would never accept being told to "duck off". Ever. :(

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^ I know. And if I got this feeling he was being 100 % serious then I wouldnt either.

 

What I am wondering is there really certain levels or degrees on jerkness? Like when we Skyped before I was going there he wanted to go through all the details. Then he said he is excited to meet me again. And sleep well and text me from the airport and so on. But then he ends the phone call by saying now piss off.

 

He is so weird sometimes.

 

I read bit more baggage reclaim. He dont fit the describtion of assclown. He has some red flags like this ex thing and him saying he has baggage and issues.

 

So he matches couple of things from being unavailable too.

 

I also read this article about florence nightingale. But I dont feel like that either. We do have meaningful discussions and so on. But I dont feel like I am putting so much effort on healing him or something. Its more like talking and sharing. But then again that can be all that he needs to move on.

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Ugh. The more you post about him the more he's starting to sound like an assclown. Like I said, you're only getting bits and pieces of him. I can't imagine the full effect. But someone telling you to duck off and piss off. I have to wonder if there's a degree of sugar coating and rose colored lenses going on with you. Don't get caught up with your need to fix or rescue someone from their issues. You'll be at the losing end.

 

As for calling his ex crazy -- after the things you've noted about him, I have to wonder who was the real "crazy" in the relationship.

Edited by Zahara
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Hehehe I know. I am not trying to rescue him or fix him. I have told him for example what has helped me and then let him do to work. E.g. he was having problem at work so I told him how I deal in situations like that and then let hom handle it how he feels right. I can do same to all my friends if they need advice. I am not borrowing him money or holding his hand through storms. It is more like saying stuff like: remember sometimes its better to leave that to your manager or asked him how job hunt is going and if he updated his LinkedIn.

 

He is not future faking or being hot and cold or ignoring me or leading me on and so on. We have both agreed to take things easy, that we can see other people and so on.

 

I have some stuff planned for myself. I know I will be dissapointed if he is really a jerk but I will be fine too if this dont work out.

 

I am pretty sure he is not sleeping around. Also I dont get this cheater vibe from him.

 

When I read from baggage reclaim all of the stuff fit to my crazy ex. But not that much to this guy.

 

Some of the stuff that he says is something I could say too and in fact have said. But usually I hold my tongue. But for example with my bff we pretty much talk all kinds of jerk stuff and have no boundaries.

 

But I am not sure if there are differences between friendship and romantic stuff.

 

I could easily tell to my bff: now go and hoe around or get out of your woman cave you dumbass aint no one gonna come and take you out on a date from there. So is there really a difference here?

 

I would never say something like that at work. Or to a strangers.

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You can't compare your past relationship to this guy because you don't get to have a normal courtship due to distance. Two different relationships. The other thing is you can't also assume he's not doing ABC just because you feel it or don't get a vibe. Like I said, have strong boundaries, keep your eyes open and start dating other people.

 

Personally, this doesn't sound like a good situation for you seeing that after only 3 visits and online corresponding -- posting on LS about red flags, using Baggage Reclaim as a guide in evaluating this guy, having him already speak disrespectfully to you, wondering if you're just a stepping stone, noting there's already a couple of things that matches him being unavailable, calling his ex "crazy" -- it doesn't look good. I am sure there's more to this than the few posts.

 

Just stay cautious. Don't "tolerate". Speak your mind. Keep your options open.

 

Good luck to you, Fruitee.

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ALL OR NOTHING
So here goes. I have posted about this same guy before but now my head is kind of spinning and I think I need some honest opinions. Sorry for the long post...

 

I have "known" this guy since last year, we have common friends and so on. But only this year we actually started talking after his friend "hook" us up. He initiated the contact (asked his friend to give me his number). After chatting with him during the first minutes I found out that he had just moved out of country.

 

Anyway we kept in touch and he initiated phone calls and Skype etc. We could talk for hours. We seemed to hit it on well and I kept it kind of casual and light until he said he is coming to visit me.

 

Our common friend said that sometimes he can be kind of idiot / jerk but I also found that out e.g. once after an argument he just stopped keeping in touch with me. But we got past that. Solved the issues and so on. Longest time we have gone without communicating has been during that time. We keep in touch daily.

 

Sometimes he is too sarcastic or has weird sense of humour. But then again he is very caring and loving. Such a weird mixture. I find him fascinating and very smart but complex. I also wonder if he has long term potential and if he will be able to fix his life (e.g. financial / apartment / job / school).

 

We have now met 3 times, in which we have travelled to see each other (me there or he here). All of these times we have spent almost 24/7 together. E.g. Almost one week together. Doing "couple" stuff.

 

He calls me honey and darling and we have been intimate too. Last time he said we are dating, after first time we met he didn't want to comment on what we are. But wanted to keep options open, like we ending up as couple or what not. He also said he has never told anyone that he loves them. But also said it is possibility that he will fall in love with me.

 

But the problem is his ex. I am not sure why he don't want to talk about her. He won't tell me why they for example broke up. I have noticed that I look very similar to his ex. And one day I was wearing something similar as she has and he kept saying how wonderful I look. So when he stopped answering me I asked our common friends to check her fb (if there was clue for his weird behaviour, stalkers... yes I know very mature). There were some posts about her maybe moving to another country and something romantic about this guy. But not much. Only like 2 posts during past 9 months or so about him. Rest of it was normal fb stuff.

 

He told me that she is crazy and likes to screw his life over. When he is trying to move on from her. In my opinion it is more likely that she is not crazy but he is leading her on some how. Or maybe they never broke up.

 

I have met his friends and some family members. So if he is cheating on her it would be kind of stupid. Since he would be quite easily caught. He also knows that I know who his ex is (since our common friends). So I could just easily tell her. Too much of a risk for him? So maybe she is crazy? Or she doesn't care what he does?

 

I have learned to deal with his jerkness and he has opened up to me a lot. Explaining his behaviour etc. Telling me about his childhood and so on.

 

He says being with me is so relaxing, and he is happy with me, and I have helped him a lot and everything is so much easier when I am around. You know. All kinds of sweet things.

 

I feel very content and good with him. I have no reason to doubt his words or actions.

 

He did once cancel our plans because of his work but still we managed to figure it out after all. (I had to first cancel too but was able to travel after all).

 

He is very romantic and caring and big softie even he acts like a tough guy. We have talked about his defences and issues and so on. He thinks I am wonderful and understanding.

 

My gut is telling me that he is kind of using me as rebound or substitute to his ex or somekind of conduit to explore himself as boyfriend. Our friend says he wants to settle down. I just have this feeling that I am helping him to get over his baggage so he can be perfect for someone else. At the same time I do feel like we are getting to know each other, things are moving nice and slowly and we are building this foundation for future together.

 

It is very new and raw and kind of testing the waters since neither one of us has done this before. We have talked about me moving there next year. Like when I left the last time I was there I said get ready for me coming here to stay and he said you're very welcome.

 

I have learned to trust my intuition and I kind of think I should walk now. But then again I have nothing to lose. And I really like him. He has kind of given me back my trust for the future and hope that there are good guys out there who are of my taste. My friends are worried that this thing will crush me if he is still with his ex.

 

I need some outsider views on the matter. Any thoughts?

 

Don't give to much away , allow him to give you more than you give him and if he's asks why your acting like this just tell him the truth , that you like him but your concerned about his intention. Play hard to get and watch him melt into your arms.

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I don't know what you have done in the past, but I tend to follow my gut and my gut is typically right. I'd say if you feel a little uneasy, then maybe you should be hesitant going forward. Still, it seems like you genuinely like this guy and feel comfortable trusting him. Do you think your uneasiness comes from you not being able to see him face to face regularly? Like do you still feel hesitant when you visit him, or is it only when you're talking on the phone, messaging, etc.? Also, I know you said you had mutual friends, so have you talked with them about your uneasiness? If you have a mutual friend to you can trust, maybe it be a good idea to really talk things through.

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introverted1

My take is that any time someone has to write a lengthy post detailing someone's actions and then asking if they signal red flags or not, that person's gut is saying something they shouldn't ignore.

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The more details you give, the more he does sound like a jerk. He's got a chip on his shoulder. He has no filter; hence not only the compliments but also the other stuff. He is defensive and ready to tell you to duck yourself and piss off at the drop of a hat, just because it makes him feel like he's got the upper hand. So that's what bothers me. He has to feel he has the upper hand. Never met a guy like that who was good news in the long run.

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