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! Do I break up with him??


avocado_12

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avocado_12

Hi guys, so I really could use some advice here!

 

Basically I've been in a relationship with this guy for nearly 5 months now and even though its quite new I've known of him as I worked with him for a while prior to getting involved with him. (We dont work together anymore)

 

So its been a good relationship on the whole, we do bicker at times as we both are quite strong minded and stubborn but we also get on so well. Anyway, last night we were speaking on the phone and I told him something in confidence.

 

What I told him was kind of linked to one of his close friends who is someone I also know from work, BUT just to make it clear.... it wasn't something personally about his friend it was about his friends cousin and about my sister as they are in a relationship and potentially looking to get serious with one another. Anyway, I specifically asked him not to say anything to his friend at least not yet. Whilst I was talking to him he was getting a call he put me on hold and answered it. When he rang me back he said it was his friend and I asked if he told him and he said yes that he 'felt he had to'. I went ballistic at him and was so upset started saying he's supposed to be loyal to me and that I specifically asked him not to say anything and it hadn't even been 5 minutes and he'd gone against what I asked, how could he do that etc etc. I was so hurt and angry and I just put the phone down. He text and called me a few times trying to explain and I ignored him.

 

What do I do?? Am I in the wrong here?? I'm so so angry because to me its a matter of loyalty and trust. Even if he said he has his reasons for telling him its besides the point. I asked him not to say anything and he disregarded and I feel disrespected my wishes. It hadn't even been FIVE minutes!!! Like couldn't he have waited till at least we discussed it. It's my sister and I feel protective of her and I didn't want his friend interfering hence why I said not to tell him anything yet. The worst thing is I don't think he truly understands why I'm so angry and what he's done wrong.

 

How can I marry someone or trust someone who does that though?? I feel betrayed honestly and I don't know how to move forward.

 

Please help :(

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Lois_Griffin

He showed you exactly who he is last night.

 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

 

He showed you he can't be trusted. At all.

 

And that he has ZERO loyalty to you.

 

I'm fond of saying that everyone has ONE chance to disrespect me. That's what he did last night - he took his one shot at disrespecting you.

 

Whether you choose to stick around after that betrayal is up to you.

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Sorry but I got to go in with another view point here. He's known you for 5 months, but how long has he known his friend? As much as we expect loyalty when in a serious relationship, we all have friends who have been around longer and have been there for us in hard times, people we trust and will always be important to us. I'm sure you have similar. Friends who you would discuss things with that you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with a partner of only 5 months. By telling him this, you put him in the position of testing his loyalty between you and his friend. I can see your point, but also his too. As much as you feel he betrayed your trust, you were asking him to betray his friend.

 

Now I don't know what was said or what this is all about, or even how long a friendship he has, so I can only give my view point on it. If this friend is just a work colleague type, then fair enough. But if the friendship is very strong and the news you told him very important to the friend, then I see why he did it. Yeah it sucks, but see it the other way round and it's him telling you something that affects your best friend, for example.

 

In answer to the question you asked, no you shouldn't break up with him. You both put each other in an awkward situation and therefore you should both talk about it. Don't think I don't understand your feelings on this, I totally do and would be as angry as you are. But I just also see his view point in regards keeping things from his friend.

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avocado_12

Thanks for your feedback guys, so basically to cut a long story short. None of us knew that the guy my sister was seeing was my bfs friends cousin. So that was what I told my bf last night, that the guy that my sister is seeing is in fact your friends cousin. My bf's friend doesn't get on with his cousin and I didn't want him knowing anything yet in case he interferes which is exactly what he tried to do.

 

My bf has known his friend around the same time he has known me, he probably has spent more time with him though and they say they are like brothers, but I thought me and my bf were really close and I just didnt expect him to do that. His reason for telling him was that he felt he had to but I just dont understand why he would do that. It feels like a betrayal no matter how much he tries to explain himself.

 

How do I move forward now? He sent me an angry message saying 'he's done' because I didnt hear him out and hung up on him and ignored his calls and that I'm 'being a child'. I don't think I'm in the wrong though am I? Am i being over dramatic? I'm genuinly hurt and annoyed and not sure how to resolve this???????

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JMO again, but I'm guessing he feels bad enough that he had to make that choice - keep quiet to keep you happy but by doing so would've meant betraying his friends trust. I get where you are, truly. But I understand the situation he was in. The fact that afterwards you got angry with him and refused to talk about it, probably did add to how badly he already felt. I'm not saying he is right anymore than saying you are wrong... it's a messed up situation. Often the best way is just to avoid hearing about others. A recent girl I knew hated the fact I told someone about me and her as she hated people talking... yet she was the one who told me about her best friend having an affair! People like a bit of gossip, until it affects them.

 

As to where you go from here, well you refused to talk to him and so he gave up. If you do want to work on this, then I guess you'll need to take the next step and get him talking again. He has to understand your feelings, but you also need to understand his too. Good luck.

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avocado_12

I get what you're smudge 21 but I dont feel like it was something that was betraying his friends trust, it's not even directly about his friend. If it was something about him personally then maybe yeah he would feel that he had to tell him but I just don't see how this is something that affects his friend and is so urgent that he needed to know.

 

I just feel like he's let me down and in my eyes I dont see how I can have a future with someone that I dont trust and cant be loyal to me

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d0nnivain

If whatever you told him was something you had to preface with "don't tell anyone" you were wrong for opening your mouth & sharing the info in the 1st place.

 

 

I agree with whoever said you have only known him 5 months. So his loyalty lay with the subject of your secret & he told that person.

 

 

You can break up with him if you want You don't really need a reason to dump somebody.

 

 

However, you will repeatedly face this issue in your own life until you learn to keep your own counsel & not blab stuff that can't be repeated.

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avocado_12
If whatever you told him was something you had to preface with "don't tell anyone" you were wrong for opening your mouth & sharing the info in the 1st place.

 

 

I agree with whoever said you have only known him 5 months. So his loyalty lay with the subject of your secret & he told that person.

 

 

You can break up with him if you want You don't really need a reason to dump somebody.

 

 

However, you will repeatedly face this issue in your own life until you learn to keep your own counsel & not blab stuff that can't be repeated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, I know what you're saying but I don't really agree. He's my partner and I felt i wanted to confide in him...which I should be able to do. He has with me and I have always given him reason to trust me. It wasn't out of malice that I told him so I could gossip..its about my own sister after all so I was coming from a place of concern and wanted to share it with him and get his opinion on it.

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ExpatInItaly
Hey, I know what you're saying but I don't really agree. He's my partner and I felt i wanted to confide in him...which I should be able to do. He has with me and I have always given him reason to trust me. It wasn't out of malice that I told him so I could gossip..its about my own sister after all so I was coming from a place of concern and wanted to share it with him and get his opinion on it.

 

So, given all of that...why do you want to move forward with him?

 

You feel you can't trust him and therefore can't see a future. He disagrees and doesn't like the way this was handled. You weren't willing to talk to him.

 

Now you can both move on.

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avocado, if this wasn't something you wanted disclosed to his friend, which apparently it wasn't, why did you tell your bf in the first place?

 

Why put him in the very awkward position of being privvy to an important piece of info about his own good friend, but having to stay quiet about it?

 

What was your reason for telling him?

 

Not quite getting that one.

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Agree with Katie, you are the one who put him between a rock and a hard place.

 

If you want a secret to be held you keep it to yourself.

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The guy is wrong. OP didnt put him in any hard situation. He should have kept his mouth shut. Not his place. There is a difference of level loyalty between a gf and a friend's cousin.

 

She shared something with him because she trusted in him. He broke it. He cant keep a secret.

 

If ever his friend or someone through the grapevine asked him anything later, he could easily said that he didnt know.No biggie.

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ChickiePops

I kind of see all sides here. You shouldn't have put him in an awkward position like that, and he should've kept his big fat trap shut.

 

But honestly, the real villain here is the friend who tried to break up your sisters relationship just because he doesn't get along with his cousin. Wtf is his problem? And why is your bf friends with such an assclown?

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The guy is wrong. OP didnt put him in any hard situation. He should have kept his mouth shut. Not his place. There is a difference of level loyalty between a gf and a friend's cousin.

 

She shared something with him because she trusted in him. He broke it. He cant keep a secret.

 

If ever his friend or someone through the grapevine asked him anything later, he could easily said that he didnt know.No biggie.

 

Lol, if you entrust your sister (or whatever) with a secret and ask her not to tell anyone and she tells her bf who later tells someone else - is it your sister's or her boyfriend's fault?

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How old is OP and the boyfriend? That sounds so juvenile.

 

Is this secret THAT life threatening? that he had to open his mouth right away before discussing it with OP first?

 

I am putting myself in OP's shoes here. If I tell my boyfriend a secret about his friend, if he feels this secret is important and must be brought to light, I would expect my bf to at least tell me : Gaeta, this is too important for me to not say something about it.

 

And what kind of secret are we talking about? If I tell my boyfriend that his sister's new boyfriend is a serial killer coming out of jail I would not expect him to not react at all to that secret. On the other hand if I tell my boyfriend that his sister's new boyfriend has filed bankruptcy in his past and he turns around and tells his sister then I'd see him as a busy body big mouth with no filter.

 

So which is your boyfriend? The concern friend or the busy body with no lid. ?

Edited by Gaeta
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Frankly, it's none of the friend's business who his cousin is seeing and in the circumstances your boyfriend had no right to divulge this information against your express wishes. It would be an entirely different matter is someone had a contract out on him! It's obvious where his loyalties lie OP and in your position I would feel exactly the same.

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avocado_12
How old is OP and the boyfriend? That sounds so juvenile.

 

Is this secret THAT life threatening? that he had to open his mouth right away before discussing it with OP first?

 

I am putting myself in OP's shoes here. If I tell my boyfriend a secret about his friend, if he feels this secret is important and must be brought to light, I would expect my bf to at least tell me : Gaeta, this is too important for me to not say something about it.

 

And what kind of secret are we talking about? If I tell my boyfriend that his sister's new boyfriend is a serial killer coming out of jail I would not expect him to not react at all to that secret. On the other hand if I tell my boyfriend that his sister's new boyfriend has filed bankruptcy in his past and he turns around and tells his sister then I'd see him as a busy body big mouth with no filter.

 

So which is your boyfriend? The concern friend or the busy body with no lid. ?

 

Hi Gaeta I'm 31 and my bf is 29.

 

There is no 'big secret' its basically just that the guy who is serious about my sister is in fact my bf's friends cousin. He had come with his dad and family to visit my sister and parents for the first time as he is looking to marry her. None of us were aware of him being my bf's friends cousin. So thats the information i disclosed to my bf in confidence.

 

I just didnt think it was right for him to within 5 minutes go running to him and telling him after I had asked him not to say anything yet. He went against my wishes and in my eyes that is a question of loyalty. I didnt tell my bf to gossip I just wanted to confide in him as my sister and her 'bf' have had ongoing issues which my bf is aware of and i just wanted to voice my concern with him. I wasnt aware that my bf's friend has issues with his cousin anyway and doesnt get on with him. So when he started saying negative things to my bf about him and interfering it made me feel so uncomfortable.

 

What am I to do now? I feel like he genuinly thinks i am over reacting and being a drama queen and doesnt realise how much damage he has caused

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avocado_12
Frankly, it's none of the friend's business who his cousin is seeing and in the circumstances your boyfriend had no right to divulge this information against your express wishes. It would be an entirely different matter is someone had a contract out on him! It's obvious where his loyalties lie OP and in your position I would feel exactly the same.

 

Yeah thats what I thought, but what do you think you would do in this situation? I dont feel ready to reach out to him but the longer I leave it the more he will have reason to turn this around on me and make me feel like the bad guy

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avocado_12
I kind of see all sides here. You shouldn't have put him in an awkward position like that, and he should've kept his big fat trap shut.

 

But honestly, the real villain here is the friend who tried to break up your sisters relationship just because he doesn't get along with his cousin. Wtf is his problem? And why is your bf friends with such an assclown?

 

 

Chickiepops I think his friend was trying to 'help' by saying those things as like a warning so I will tell my sister and she will steer clear. The thing is I know his friend a bit and he seems like a genuinly nice guy, its just he is letting his personal feelings get in the way. He was saying unpleasant things about him and when my bf told me this I just felt so uncomfortable as its my sister at the end of the day not just some randomer

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elaine567

When someone tells me a secret, it stops with me, it would need to be a matter of life and death to get that out of me.

 

There was no need for the bf to tell the friend anything about his cousin's relationship, why would that ever come up in normal conversation?

NO, the bf went "Do YOU know your cousin wants to marry my gf's sister!!!!" and for that reason she is quite right to feel she cannot trust him.

Expressly told don't say anything yet, but he blabbed 5 secs later... ugh!

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avocado_12
When someone tells me a secret, it stops with me, it would need to be a matter of life and death to get that out of me.

 

There was no need for the bf to tell the friend anything about his cousin's relationship, why would that ever come up in normal conversation?

NO, the bf went "Do YOU know your cousin wants to marry my gf's sister!!!!" and for that reason she is quite right to feel she cannot trust him.

Expressly told don't say anything yet, but he blabbed 5 secs later... ugh!

 

Hi Elaine thanks for your reply!

 

What should I do now though I'm so confused because I do think I love this guy

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introverted1
Hey, I know what you're saying but I don't really agree. He's my partner and I felt i wanted to confide in him...which I should be able to do. He has with me and I have always given him reason to trust me. It wasn't out of malice that I told him so I could gossip..its about my own sister after all so I was coming from a place of concern and wanted to share it with him and get his opinion on it.

 

OP, did your bf agree to keep your secret before you told him? In other words which way did it go:

 

1. You told him you had something to say which he couldn't share and then spilled the story without his input

 

OR

 

2. You told him you had info about his friend and would be be ok hearing something that was not for sharing with that friend and he agreed

 

If it was #2, then he is in the wrong, but if it was #1, then you created your own mess I'm afraid. You can't unilaterally share something and then demand that the person with whom you shared keep it secret. He has to have been given the opportunity to say, hey, if this is about my friend, I might not be able to keep the secret (and then you wouldn't tell him).

 

You guys aren't married, you've only been dating 5 months, so the concept of him being a partner you *should* be able to confide in without reservation is misplaced.

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I would consider this an 'accident'. Have a conversation with him. Tell him your privacy as a couple is extremely important to you. When you tell him something and ask him to keep it to himself, you mean it. Tell him also that it's not up to him to decide if your secrets are big secrets or not. They may seem small secrets to him but they still secrets to you and you need him to respect this about you.

 

Then listen to what he has to say. He should apologize and say it won't happen again.

 

If he goes on on how you make a big deal about it, how he did nothing wrong, blahblahblah, then you know not only he is not trustworthy but he also does not care much about your feelings.

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266696687
Hi Elaine thanks for your reply!

 

What should I do now though I'm so confused because I do think I love this guy

 

Totally agree with Elaine above.

 

You may love him and make him your priority but he clearly doesn't have the same feelings or respect for you in return. Don't be blinded to his character using love as an excuse to turn a blind eye to what he did.

 

He betrayed you. Within 5 seconds. That's how much he considers you and what you'd asked of him.

 

Do you want to be with someone that you can't share everything with because he cannot control his mouth? He was gossiping plain and simple. He put his friends 'need to know' (even though it had nothing to do with him) above you. That's what it comes down too. He had no reason or excuse to justify it. In this case it was a minor secret however his response to your wishes is what you should be paying attention to in this case.

 

Think back to all the personal things you've told him already do you think given his behaviour here that he has or thinks he has any duty or obligation to keep what you say and do with him to himself?

 

I wouldn't trust him as far as you can throw him.

 

He chose his friends need to know (when actually there was no need for him to know) over you. Is that the man you want to be with?

 

It took him less than 5 seconds. That should show you how much what you said to him mattered. It didn't. He didn't even consider you here at all.

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