Jump to content

Cancel plans, how to interpret this?


Recommended Posts

Me again - ole' trust/abandonment issue gal.

 

BF was away on business last week, and I missed him terribly. Same for him ... must have told me 30 times that he missed me. He returned Friday, and we had a wonderful night Friday night, we had a sweet conversation about how we feel about each other. Wonderful night Saturday night, also. When he was falling asleep Saturday, he kept apologizing for being so tired because we don't see each other often and he hates to waste our time together. (I am sensitive to this as I have 3 kids and often worry that he feels our time is too limited, we generally see each other 2 or 3 times per week)

 

No plans to see each other Sunday - I was doing things with my kids. But I missed him and we had no plans until Wednesday, and thinking of what he said the night before about not seeing each other often, I decided to see if he wanted company Monday night (tonight) for a bit after I was all done with family stuff. When I asked him, he hesitated slightly and said, "Ummm, yes, I am working late though because it is my first day back from travel" (The umm part bothers me) I said it wouldn't be until 8 pm if so, but that I had honestly forgotten about his first day back and understood if he was working late. He said "Oh okay, I will definitely be home by 8!" So I left it that I'd possibly see him if he was up to it, because I understood how crazy the first day back to work can be, and he'd just let me know how he felt Monday.

 

This morning he texted me good morning, and that he barely slept last night and his poison ivy is spreading. He went on to say his sleep pattern is off from traveling and he hopes to get back to normal tonight.

 

Is he rejecting me? I feel rejected, though I am assuming he is setting this up to not see me tonight.

 

Am I overthinking this? I am allowing the hundred wonderful things he said and did with me this weekend to be overshadowed by this one thing. I can't help but feel like he doesn't want to be with me, which is the exact opposite of his actions generally speaking.

 

Is it possible to love or care about someone, but not want to take the opportunity to see them? This might sound like a ridiculous question, but I genuinely interpret these things as abandonment, despite all of the good in the relationship.

 

Do I let it go and see what he says about tonight, or do I just text him now and cancel? I feel like canceling because this is causing me anxiety, though I realize the anxiety is my own problem and not his. That said, I know I will be miserable if I cancel and he is fine with it ... argh.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Versacehottie
Me again - ole' trust/abandonment issue gal.

 

When I asked him, he hesitated slightly and said, "Ummm, yes, I am working late though because it is my first day back from travel" (The umm part bothers me) I said it wouldn't be until 8 pm if so, but that I had honestly forgotten about his first day back and understood if he was working late. He said "Oh okay, I will definitely be home by 8!" So I left it that I'd possibly see him if he was up to it, because I understood how crazy the first day back to work can be, and he'd just let me know how he felt Monday.

 

This morning he texted me good morning, and that he barely slept last night and his poison ivy is spreading. He went on to say his sleep pattern is off from traveling and he hopes to get back to normal tonight.

 

Is he rejecting me? I feel rejected, though I am assuming he is setting this up to not see me tonight.

 

Am I overthinking this? I am allowing the hundred wonderful things he said and did with me this weekend to be overshadowed by this one thing. I can't help but feel like he doesn't want to be with me, which is the exact opposite of his actions generally speaking.

 

Is it possible to love or care about someone, but not want to take the opportunity to see them? This might sound like a ridiculous question, but I genuinely interpret these things as abandonment, despite all of the good in the relationship.

 

Do I let it go and see what he says about tonight, or do I just text him now and cancel? I feel like canceling because this is causing me anxiety, though I realize the anxiety is my own problem and not his. That said, I know I will be miserable if I cancel and he is fine with it ... argh.

 

I think you are overthinking it--though I do get where you are coming from. I think he could have said "ummmm" because you surprised him with the offer and he was caught off guard and churning the things over in his head that he needed to do. Also he could be torn between wanting to see you and needing to get some other stuff done/be alone. Also the ummm could be because he doesn't want to disappoint you, so doesn't know how to respond without it hurting you.

 

I do think his text this am, is a bit of a "begging off" or soft let-down--but maybe don't take it personally. If he has poison ivy, he might not want to be near you (why would you want to be around him????)

 

I hear you that sometimes what a person does doesn't make sense in that if they loved you and wanted to be around you, they would take every opportunity. However, I would advise that you try to take a different stance this time with him and watch it pay off. I'm not sure if your anxiety will go away if you "cancel". I put cancel in quotes because that comes off as retaliation and that sounds like the reason you would be doing it. Maybe if you could just say "let's do it another night; it was just a spontaneous idea" and that you understand he is tired, itchy (lol), and has a lot to catch up with; it could show that you see things from him point of view. Just one idea that the hesitation he was having comes from disappointing you and that your expectations are higher than his or that you get insecure about minor things.

 

But I hear you that if he gets what he wants (a night off) then he will be fine and you will be the one suffering. You just have to work at balancing this and your own stuff being reasonable. I think he is being reasonable but I understand that it still hurts. I think you can solve it immediately but telling him you can do it another night (for the two of you) and then for yourself know it's something you need to work on (because that won't feel good right away). Good luck

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just one idea that the hesitation he was having comes from disappointing you and that your expectations are higher than his or that you get insecure about minor things.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply!

 

This ^ is definitely true. I struggle with over-analyzing and while I am very careful, he is aware of this and knows that sometimes I perceive things negatively due to my insecurities. It doesn't happen often and I have greatly improved, but it does happen sometimes.

 

I will figure out a way to let him off the hook without sounding needy, although I will be disappointed. I just don't want to prematurely make the call and assume this is what he meant, resulting in coming off as even more insecure by reacting this way. If that makes sense, lol.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
hippychick3

Since he spent Friday and Saturday night with you after a long trip, I would interpret that as him missing you and being very into you. I would not expect to see him tonight when he is getting back to work, settling in, and is tired. There is no reason to take it as a rejection if he wasn't up for company tonight as a result.

 

In your shoes, I would probably say "I understand you're tired, and I'm perfectly fine with postponing until either Tuesday or Wednesday! You take care of all your stuff so you can feel rested up when we see each other again." And say it sweetly with no passive aggressiveness. Then let him talk.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Versacehottie
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply!

 

This ^ is definitely true. I struggle with over-analyzing and while I am very careful, he is aware of this and knows that sometimes I perceive things negatively due to my insecurities. It doesn't happen often and I have greatly improved, but it does happen sometimes.

 

I will figure out a way to let him off the hook without sounding needy, although I will be disappointed. I just don't want to prematurely make the call and assume this is what he meant, resulting in coming off as even more insecure by reacting this way. If that makes sense, lol.

 

Yeah you have to let him "off the hook" with fully confident and happy tone. Like you care about his happiness, health, sanity. Which you do, of course but it's hard to fully convey that when you are busy feeling let down and insecure--which are your top priorities :) There cannot be a hint of passive aggressiveness or that you are not satisfied with the decision. You shouldn't be filling in the blanks or making assumptions for him. The best way to do this is just do it from your point of view (ie no assumptions creep in, you use your reasons) and it's ok to be a little vulnerable (though confident).

 

Just say that you got his text and you understand that he's got a lot going on and is tired and YOU think it would be better if you rescheduled for another night. Even say you are bummed but it's best and you can wait--i would tease him about the poison ivy, for sure but maybe you aren't like that. You are just reguritating the facts he told you back to him (no assumptions) but came to your own conclusion (confident). The fact that you are not needy or making him feel obligated or spread too thin will be refreshing to him (especially if he spends time reassuring your insecurities). The vulnerability of telling him you are bummed or disappointed will let him know your decision isn't retaliation and that you care about him and the relationship. If a person is needy, that is the opposite of how it often feels for the other one so he will probably appreciate that you are putting his needs before your own in this case about something relatively insignificant that is effectively bonus time with each other anyway. Should make him more into you. He sounds like he really likes you anyway. I think you should do this.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to stop being your own worst enemy and quit making everything about you.

 

You have read way more into him trying to think through his jet lag fog than is there.

 

He: just got back from a business trip, but spent the first 2 days back with you

has poison ivy

isn't sleeping because his circadian rhythm is off

 

 

He has done NOTHING that would indicate a lack of interest---quite the contrary actually; but yet, because he said "ummmm", you automatically reach for "he's rejecting me"? Seriously? Chill out before your neediness chases a good man off because it's too much high maintenance.

 

I perceive things negatively due to my insecurities.

 

This isn't for him to resolve. This should have been resolved by you long before you got into this relationship. Do your own heavy lifting. If that means you go talk to a therapist, then do that before you needlessly wreck this before it even starts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you both! I did my best in sending a message (of course I am second guessing myself, ugh) ... I said I would miss him of course but it sounded like he needed a night of rest after his long first day back, and that it wasn't healthy for him to miss so much sleep. I did say if there was anything I could do for him, to let me know, and sent a kiss. I hope it didn't come across as passive aggressive at all, or that I didn't make an incorrect assumption that he was bailing. Will keep you posted!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You need to stop being your own worst enemy and quit making everything about you.

 

You have read way more into him trying to think through his jet lag fog than is there.

 

He: just got back from a business trip, but spent the first 2 days back with you

has poison ivy

isn't sleeping because his circadian rhythm is off

 

 

He has done NOTHING that would indicate a lack of interest---quite the contrary actually; but yet, because he said "ummmm", you automatically reach for "he's rejecting me"? Seriously? Chill out before your neediness chases a good man off because it's too much high maintenance.

 

 

 

This isn't for him to resolve. This should have been resolved by you long before you got into this relationship. Do your own heavy lifting. If that means you go talk to a therapist, then do that before you needlessly wreck this before it even starts.

 

You are right, which is why I post things here sometimes before I react because I know these are my own issues (and I am in therapy). I do appreciate your feedback though ... sometimes I suspect I am being silly and I just need to hear that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you both! I did my best in sending a message (of course I am second guessing myself, ugh) ... I said I would miss him of course but it sounded like he needed a night of rest after his long first day back, and that it wasn't healthy for him to miss so much sleep. I did say if there was anything I could do for him, to let me know, and sent a kiss. I hope it didn't come across as passive aggressive at all, or that I didn't make an incorrect assumption that he was bailing. Will keep you posted!

 

You will miss him for one day? :confused:

 

You are smothering him, woman! He just spent all weekend with you.

 

You are right, which is why I post things here sometimes before I react because I know these are my own issues (and I am in therapy). I do appreciate your feedback though ... sometimes I suspect I am being silly and I just need to hear that.

 

Stop focusing on him for today, and focus on relaxation techniques.

 

Keep yourself occupied ;)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks everyone. An update:

 

I did send him a text like suggested above, and his response was that he can both spend time with me AND have a relaxing evening, he missed me, and would like to see me.

 

So, I am an overreacting fool!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Ami1uwant
You are right, which is why I post things here sometimes before I react because I know these are my own issues (and I am in therapy). I do appreciate your feedback though ... sometimes I suspect I am being silly and I just need to hear that.

 

I agree with others on here...you are reading way to much.

 

I read the uuummmm as a surprise. First day back at work he has alot of catch up to do. With his body clock still out of whatck he was likely planning on getting home and crashing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Space Ritual

You may not even realize it as you seem very enthralled with this guy right now but it may backfire on you.

 

Coming off as a needful thing has the potential to be a complete turnoff no matter what gender you are.

 

You might want to dial your expectations back a notch or two for a few days. Go dark and make him miss you a little bit.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Versacehottie
Thanks everyone. An update:

 

I did send him a text like suggested above, and his response was that he can both spend time with me AND have a relaxing evening, he missed me, and would like to see me.

 

So, I am an overreacting fool!

 

See that's what I thought would happen--whether tonight or another night. You take the pressure off and it/you ceases to become an obligation and then he can decide he wants to do it. You actually get a hit of security because you've behaved confidently and proactively. And he gets a chance to 'give' you want he wants to give rather than be forced into it.

 

I do agree with the boys texts above though--that a little going dark on him, ie a few days off where he has the chance to miss you is a good thing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...