Having the issue lately of turning down good guys for jerks

[jmerk07]

I'm 23 and have been playing the field recently and for the past 2-3 months now, I haven't been having much luck.

 

A lot of the reason is due to the issue that I continue to turn down genuinely nice and good guys for jerks. The first instance happened last month when I had a guy show interest in me who was very kind, very fun and hinted on wanting to take me out but I never agreed to it because I liked another guy. I started seeing the other guy for a few weeks but he became distant and eventually told me I wasn't like his ex and couldn't continue to see me.

 

Then I am in an incident now where I have been told by friends that one of our mutual friends has a crush on me. This guy is great. He's attractive, has a good career, is fun and overall very genuine and an all around good person. However, I was interested in somebody else. I made an attempt at him and he had been contacting me everyday this past week and confessed his attraction and interest in me. We had plans for this weekend but he flaked to be with another girl.

 

It makes me feel awful that there are great guys right in front of me, yet I go for the ones who are not good for me. They come off as nice in the beginning which is what fools me.

 

I guess what I'm trying to ask for here is if anyone has had similar situations and how they have come to deal with it. Or how can I stop fooling myself with these guys who seem nice in the beginning but will end up blindsiding me?

[carhill]

One method which helped me discern a different like was immersion. In your case, if you find yourself liking men who turn out to be as you describe, jerks, let it play out until your feelings change and your 'picker' likes something else. Since attraction is largely subconscious and a 'feeling', sure, you can cognitively fight it and 'think it', but then you end up 'thinking' relationships rather than feeling them and run a quite large risk of losing the thought process and going off on a feeling junket with another 'jerk'.

 

My version was being a caretaker personality liking 'broken' women because they were so open and raw. It took many years to fix that and IMO the final fix didn't occur until getting professional counseling while I was married, along with my wife.

 

However, even with the fix, it can be akin to an alcoholic. I always have to be aware of the lure of the bottle. It can still be there. No guarantees in life.

 

Personally I think your process will be more straightforward because you have a larger pool of potentials to immerse in. My dating pool, for decades, was very thin. Basically married women and an infinitesimal few single women. It sounds like you meet plenty of single guys but the ones you like who approach you turn out to be jerks. Yeah, life can be like that.

 

Welcome to LS

[HillValley]

I would start by saying don't beat yourself up.

 

Yeah, the guys you went after didn't turn out well, but don't automatically assume the road not taken was good either.

 

At 23, there's nothing wrong with just meeting guys and not having a relationship come out at the end(not meaning anything sexual either).

 

What you really seem to be asking is why you seem to keep picking guys who don't end up being what they seem and that is something you will have to work out for yourself. Like Carhill said, we all have certain triggers that will pull us in one direction or another.

 

If a guy is genuinely good, he will go for a good woman.

[katiegrl]

I would start by saying don't beat yourself up.

 

Yeah, the guys you went after didn't turn out well, but don't automatically assume the road not taken was good either.

 

At 23, there's nothing wrong with just meeting guys and not having a relationship come out at the end(not meaning anything sexual either).

 

What you really seem to be asking is why you seem to keep picking guys who don't end up being what they seem and that is something you will have to work out for yourself. Like Carhill said, we all have certain triggers that will pull us in one direction or another.

 

If a guy is genuinely good, he will go for a good woman.

 

Beat me to it!

 

OP, try not to be so hard on yourself, these so called "good guys" you are turning down may not be so good either.

 

After all, the guys who turned out to be jerks you thought were good guys too at first.

 

Both HillValley and carhill make very good points.

[Imported]

Maybe every guy is a "jerk" and you figure that out when you get with them. And every guy you didn't get with is "the good guy", because you have no idea. Or maybe it's just you.