Having hard time figuring out her behavior

[Shtirlits]

In October, 2011, I replied to a message from a woman on a dating site. She wrote back over a month later, on Black Friday, and we met that night. On our date, it became apparent that she was disinterested. When we were saying "bye", she didn't reply to my question about whether we will see each other again and I said, "That must mean 'no'." As I was walking away, she cheered me up with a joke and laughter, "I don't know where you live but I will find out and stalk you", followed by kind words, "Text me that you got home ok." I texted, she politely responded and I expected to never hear from her again. To my great surprise, she texted the following Monday on her way from work, "Entertain me with an intellectual conversation lol". Though unexpected, her message made sense: during our date, I was mostly quiet as usual but managed to engage her with my replies to her views on evolution and time travel. Encouraged by her text, I contacted her several times over the following weeks. She usually responded, her messages being tactful, at times even friendly. Since she declined all invitations to meet again, I left her alone.

 

We remained Facebook friends. Early in 2015, she started posting statuses and family-style photos documenting her dream relationship. She and her man relocated to a city 300 miles away. By mid-summer, her posts were revealing trouble in paradise. In October, she posted her phone number and a message that she and her children were homeless without means to get back home. I texted her, "Hi, ... This is ... You may not remember me. We met once 4 years ago." She promptly called back. We barely had time to greet each other when she said, "I received a call on the other line. I am sorry. I will be right back." After waiting a few minutes, I hung up and texted, "Just call me when you finish talking." She responded the next day, "I am sorry I didn't call you. A lot is going on."

 

Two months passed. Early in December, she called and we talked for about 40 minutes. She made it back to home town, remembered me as really cute and shy, felt that our relationship will go far, promised to invite me to bbq once she moved into her own place. Next day I took her and her children to dinner and the experience was magical. I don't have children, have never been married and that evening I felt entirely happy, as if I were dining out with my wife and children. The following week, I texted her, "Hi, ... Let's have dinner tonight like last week". She wrote back the next day, "Hey How are you? Sorry I didn't get back to you, been really busy."

 

Ten days passed since we went out for dinner when she called at 11:30PM and asked me to come to her new place to help unpack. That night she made a show out of looking for her adult toy, changed her shirt in front of my eyes exposing her bra. At one point, she must had decided that enough unpacking was done and just laid down on a bed, closed her eyes and turned her back to me leaving me standing there clueless. She neither suggested that I should leave nor hinted that she wanted me to lay next to her. Having considered her behavior that night, I started touching her. In response, she said indifferently, "Oh, are we going to do this?" After sex and some rest, she dressed back up and did more unpacking. Is it me or is such behavior abnormal? In the morning she was stressed out about making it on time to work Christmas brunch. In reply to my question as we were saying 'bye', "When would be the next good day for us to meet?", she said with an irritated look, "Let me get through this brunch first." Four days later, she texted at 12:19AM, "Hey, handsome. I wouldn't mind a company." When I arrived, she presented me cabbage rolls that she cooked for me as a Christmas gift, was running around moving food cans and doing other odd chores. Finally, we laid down and had sex. We agreed to celebrate New Year's at my house. Of course, she ignored my text on December 31 and I spent the evening alone. On January 3, she texted, "Hi How were your holidays?" I responded and she wrote nothing back.

 

On January 6, she pocket-dialed and I suspect the call was not accidental. I called back, came to her house and we had the most mind-blowing sex I have ever experienced. Over the next 9 days, I started to feel like our relationship was becoming normal and I was no longer someone she called last second and then ignored for unpredictable amount of time. We were communicating regularly, once she invited me for dinner, I was giving her rides to work and within a week spent 4 nights at her place. On January 15, she left a voice mail saying that she collapsed at work, was rushed to a hospital, diagnosed with laryngitis, bronchitis, stomach flu. In person, she broke into tears and confided in me that she had been diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live (I know it was a lie). Also, she had 2 heart attacks in the past. We spent Friday evening and most of Saturday together. In the early evening, she informed me that she and children were going to her ex's house for a little while to borrow $50, then she will text me and cook mostacholi. She didn't text me that evening. Next morning in reply to my message she wrote that she ended up staying the night at his place because he was shaken by his father leaving his mom with a girl from NY after 42 years of marriage. When we met a week later, I had a talk with her about our relationship trying to understand where we stand. Prior to meeting her, I had never been in a situation where a girl liked me enough to have sex with, yet wasn't interested in doing much else. She said that she liked spending time with me but didn't want a relationship, the establishment of boundaries. As I was leaving, she gave me a hug but moved her cheek away to discourage a peck and had her daughter standing nearby as an additional safeguard. Walking to my car, I must have had a gloomy expression on my face which she appeared to enjoy with a smirk.

 

After about 10 days of no contact, she texted me, "Is everything ok? I am worried. You haven't answered any of my calls or texts." There were no calls and only 1 text which didn't require an answer. Another week passed. Friday before Valentine's Day, I brought flowers to her work. We had a nice talk, with her saying that she wondered where I disappeared and wished I would just show up at her house. Also, she mentioned possibility of dinner at her house that night. Instead of dinner, we had 2-hour-long texting session full of drama. In response to my inquiry why she doesn't want to see me anymore, she wrote that she was dying, had to focus remaining time and energy on children. Every time our texting session appeared to come to the conclusion with us having reached closure, she threw forth a new argument. For example, in reply to my message, "We have expressed our feelings to each other. Good night", she wrote, "That's right. I expressed my guts and blood into a toilet." Twelve days of no contact went by. Then she called being all sweet, saying, "Are you ignoring me?" and I went to her house. When we were saying "good-byes" in the morning, she told me to text her but declined my suggestion to do something on the coming weekend. She said that she was going to have bbq Friday OR Saturday with her ex's ex-girlfriend to celebrate the restraining order against him. Over the next few days, I texted her a couple of times. Though she replied, the tone was disinterested. A month after our last meeting, I broke down and called her. She didn't pick up. A few hours later, I texted and she didn't respond.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Shtirlits

[Gaeta]

What is it that you don't understand? It's clear with her actions she is not interested in a relationship and when you asked her she confirmed indeed she is not interested.

 

There is nothing to figure out. She used you when it was convenient to her, nothing more to it.

[phineas]

What is it that you don't understand? It's clear with her actions she is not interested in a relationship and when you asked her she confirmed indeed she is not interested.

 

There is nothing to figure out. She used you when it was convenient to her, nothing more to it.

 

Pro-tip.

If you need a war & peace length post to explain a situation where you don't know whether she is into you or not......she is 99.9% not into you.

 

i've learned this after i met women that were into me.

They make it easy to see them because they want to see you and make it clear for fear of losing you to another woman.

[ExpatInItaly]

She sounds totally unstable and she is more than likely still involved with her ex.

 

The behaviour you really need to figure out is yours. Why do you continue to try to get her attention? Why do you allow her to treat you like a toy, something she plays with when it's convenient for her and discards when she's bored? Why do you want the type of woman who lies about dying of cancer?

 

You need to draw some boundaries and improve your self-respect so you don't continue to tolerate this type of behaviour from others. Surely there are better-quality woman in your area?

[RedPurpleOrange]

Mental. Sounds like a BPD type of lady. You're better off without!!!!!!

 

 

At least you dipped your wick a few times.

[Larryville]

Stunning, as others said writing all that to explain something so simple. When someone post that much on any post now I don't read it because the OP is more than likely the problem than whatever they are posting about.

 

I will say AGAIN these people don't read their own stuff before they post.

[Shtirlits]

Why do you continue to try to get her attention?

Thank you for the supportive response. She is stunningly beautiful, exceptional at sex, highly intelligent, lively, the most exciting woman I have ever been with.

 

Mental. Sounds like a BPD type of lady. You're better off without!!!!!!

Thank you, my friend.

[Gaeta]

She is stunningly beautiful, exceptional at sex, highly intelligent, lively, the most exciting woman I have ever been with.

 

Then you need to meet more women.

 

You love her for exterior reasons, her beauty and personality. That's called an infatuation. When you can't come up with a list of things a person does for you to make you feel special then you are not loving them for the right reasons.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for the supportive response. She is stunningly beautiful, exceptional at sex, highly intelligent, lively, the most exciting woman I have ever been with.

 

 

Thank you, my friend.

 

Highly intelligent people generally do not behave this way.

 

But in any case, you know how she is. You know where you stand with her. If you're okay with all of that, then go forth.

[tayriley]

She is using you for attention and sex. For whatever reason, she doesn't like the idea of having you as a boyfriend, but you are 'safe' enough to treat badly and still come back.

 

If you are comfortable with this situation, then stay and accept the times she uses you for emotional support and sex. Realize though, you cannot do the same- she clearly gives you no attention when you want it.

 

Personally, I find people like this to be pretty despicable- they string along people they have absolutely no interest in or respect for. I would avoid them like the plague.

 

You know yourself best- if you are emotionally invested, you will only get hurt here. If you can separate the emotions out and just think of her as a f-buddy, then go ahead and do that. BUT realize that as long as you are doing that, you aren't giving any energy to finding someone you can actually have a relationship with.

[Shtirlits]

She is using you for attention and sex. For whatever reason, she doesn't like the idea of having you as a boyfriend, but you are 'safe' enough to treat badly and still come back.

...

BUT realize that as long as you are doing that, you aren't giving any energy to finding someone you can actually have a relationship with.

You are right. Thank you.

 

Last time we saw each other was over 2 months ago. She must have found a more thrilling game.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Shtirlits

[ExpatInItaly]

You are right. Thank you.

 

Last time we saw each other was over 2 months ago. She must have found a more thrilling game.

 

I guarantee you she did. Otherwise, you'd have seen her by now.