Showering someone with compliments....insincere?

[blind_otter]

I am kinda seeing someone, a very sweet guy, I haven't really talked about him or anything because I don't want to jinx it. I really like him, he is studious and in graduate school, and he is very shy and sweet, and the first guy who I have felt very physically AND intellectually and emotionally attracted to in a long long time. Like since before psycho ex. I haven't felt like having sex with anyone in a while but I would break my dry spell for this boy any day ( I say boy because he's a bit younger than me).

 

That said, I have admittedly dated a lot of human scum and dirtbags. I noticed that they showered me with compliments, on my body, hair, eyes, lips, all physical compliments....occassionally one or another would get wind of the fact that I like myself for other reasons and they would prey on that.

 

I noticed this guy, the grad student, is stingy with compliments...so was my exH. ExH was the only other relatively benign guy I dated. "Relatively" being the operative word.

 

Now, I am IRL kind of like I am on here. I am brutally honest and up-front. I am moody and flirtacious. I am very sexual and very direct. I made the first move with him, and I kind of pounced on him like a tiger and nuzzled him into making out with me. Which he seemed to thoroughly enjoy, his whole body became very jumpy and taut, and when we kissed a tremor went through him and he made one of those delicious sounds that guys make when they are aroused. Plus I could pause occassionally and make jokes and still continue the intimate interaction. I love being able to laugh while being aroused.

 

Anyways, I am liberal with compliments. I always try to find physical and mental things to compliment the other person about, because I know it makes them feel good. You have pretty eyes. I love how witty and intelligent you are. You have a badass dvd library. I like your t-shirt. Your skin smells delicious. That kind of thing.

 

Then I got to thinking - do *I* sound insincere when I give compliments like that? I mean, I am being sincere, but I am thinking a person who doesn't give out compliments a lot would probably think I was full of sh*t.... I don't want him to think that at all. I really like him a bunch. I am just waiting for him to find out some random detail about my past that will make him recoil in horror. He knows about the pregnancies, the exH, the psycho exBF, the court proceedings (arraignment at the end of the month....).

 

He is a really awesome, goofy guy. The only person of recent months who really truely "gets" my bizarre and twisted sense of humor. I mean, we have the same Tokyo Shock movies. It's hard to describe the personality quirks that we share. We are both very...um...I dunno, unique I guess. He is a slightly dorky engineering student and I am a hyper-sexed, sexually aggressive woman who likes dorks. I think he doesn't really believe that I really like him as much as I do, because I am not his normal type - hell, he's not really MY normaly type, considering the string of drug dealers and players I've been with. I feel like *I* am macking on him all the time and he is slightly amused and a little confused.

 

I am trying to be more practical about my chances with him because he is so good, so pretty to look at and almost intimidatingly intelligent....eventually his interest in me will die down and all that, but I would just like to sit by his pond and dangle my toes in him for a while, until the sun sets...then I'll get up and walk away...but I enjoy his company too much, for now, to leave him alone like I probably should.

[alphamale]

I don't know what Tokyo Shock is....

 

Re: compliments. Dole them out with moderation and restraint and only when truly genuine.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by alphamale

I don't know what Tokyo Shock is....

 

Re: compliments. Dole them out with moderation and restraint and only when truly genuine.

 

Tokyo Shock: Asian Horror movies update

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blind_otter

He is a slightly dorky engineering student and I am a hyper-sexed, sexually aggressive woman who likes dorks. I think he doesn't really believe that I really like him as much as I do, because I am not his normal type - hell, he's not really MY normaly type, considering the string of drug dealers and players I've been with. I feel like *I* am macking on him all the time and he is slightly amused and a little confused.

 

I am trying to be more practical about my chances with him because he is so good, so pretty to look at and almost intimidatingly intelligent....eventually his interest in me will die down and all that, but I would just like to sit by his pond and dangle my toes in him for a while, until the sun sets...then I'll get up and walk away...but I enjoy his company too much, for now, to leave him alone like I probably should.

 

 

Actually, my experience suggests this *is* a pretty good combination, one of the best. Don't assume that his interest level will die, either. If he's anything like me he really won't want you to walk away at the end of the day and may even take this quite badly...

[Pocky]

I'm funny about compliments. I'm fine with a compliment here and there, but I don't like to hear them excessively. I really dislike early adoration and receiving what I would consider superfluous compliments makes me feel as though the person worships me. I dislike being put on a pedestal.

[bluechocolate]

....... or insecure?

 

from alphamale

Dole them out with moderation and restraint and only when truly genuine

I'd have to agree. Otherwise I think you run the risk of diluting them, too many, too often & they become meaningless.

 

Stuff like, "that's a great t-shirit" or "you have a great DVD collection" are really just observations of similar tastes & styles. But when it comes to the lovey-dovey stuff, a little goes a long way.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Actually, my experience suggests this *is* a pretty good combination, one of the best. Don't assume that his interest level will die, either. If he's anything like me he really won't want you to walk away at the end of the day and may even take this quite badly...

 

Oh I wouldn't want to walk away right now for all the money in the world. He is a doll. And respectful and I love the fact that he is so intelligent and keen that he is just as direct as I am.

 

Oh I could spend all day rubbing his head. His hair is soft and fluffy like bunny rabbit fur.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Oh I wouldn't want to walk away right now for all the money in the world. He is a doll. And respectful and I love the fact that he is so intelligent and keen that he is just as direct as I am.

 

 

I find it interesting though that you're going in with a prepared exit strategy... and a pre-emptive dumping one at that. Would you mind expanding a bit on this? I'd find it really helpful. Have you done this in the past? What led you to develop this strategy?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

I find it interesting though that you're going in with a prepared exit strategy... and a pre-emptive dumping one at that. Would you mind expanding a bit on this? I'd find it really helpful. Have you done this in the past? What led you to develop this strategy?

 

No no no - no pre-emptive dumping strategy. I am trying to prepare myself for when HE loses interest in me because of my flamingly awful past history of crrrrrappppy relationships.

 

Because usually, with the ****ty guys, I can always blame the breakup on them being a**h***s. If I got serious with this guy, and we broke up, the only person I could blame is myself and my lack of skills. He is too good for me, ya know?

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by Pocky

I'm funny about compliments. I'm fine with a compliment here and there, but I don't like to hear them excessively. I really dislike early adoration and receiving what I would consider superfluous compliments makes me feel as though the person worships me. I dislike being put on a pedestal.

 

I had this exact same problem with the last guy I dated, and we are not dating anymore. Besides the fact that he got way too drunk on the 3rd date, I could not handle being worshipped.

[d'Arthez]

Reluctant Romeo, or anyone else for that matter, I think it would help you understand the position of blind_otter, if you would take a look at her threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56758

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57626

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Lonestar

I had this exact same problem with the last guy I dated, and we are not dating anymore. Besides the fact that he got way too drunk on the 3rd date, I could not handle being worshipped.

 

I don't think it's on the level of worship....one of my friends said he doesn't compliment a lot because he feels "cheesy".... it's more on the "I really want to jump your bones but I would like to wait a while before I do it" kind of level.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blind_otter

No no no - no pre-emptive dumping strategy. I am trying to prepare myself for when HE loses interest in me because of my flamingly awful past history of crrrrrappppy relationships.

 

.... He is too good for me, ya know?

 

 

Well, BO (mind if I call you that, lol?) I have to say your story sounds pretty familiar. I've played this thru 3 times now as intellectual guy and I could never see why they thought I would lose interest in them. I never did. In fact, although each time it has gotten a little easier (practice makes perfect!) I have always found it difficult to let go of them.

 

Take it from me: intellectual guys often look for complementary qualities in girls. Remember, he's not stupid - there will be something he sees in you.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Well, BO (mind if I call you that, lol?) I have to say your story sounds pretty familiar. I've played this thru 3 times now as intellectual guy and I could never see why they thought I would lose interest in them. I never did. In fact, although each time it has gotten a little easier (practice makes perfect!) I have always found it difficult to let go of them.

 

Take it from me: intellectual guys often look for complementary qualities in girls. Remember, he's not stupid - there will be something he sees in you.

 

Thank you. That sets my mind at ease somewhat. He is so reserved and hard to read. I look at him and think "wow, he is SO cool, the more I know about him the cooler he is" - my hope is that he looks at me the same way.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Reluctant Romeo, or anyone else for that matter, I think it would help you understand the position of blind_otter, if you would take a look at her threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56758

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57626

 

 

Thanks d'Arthez... it's really helpful to understand the background.

[moimeme]

Then I got to thinking - do *I* sound insincere when I give compliments like that? I mean, I am being sincere, but I am thinking a person who doesn't give out compliments a lot would probably think I was full of sh*t

 

I have been stingy with compliments in my time exactly because I dreaded sounding insincere. Kind of a leftover from my mom, who I ceased believing because she only ever had good things to say about me. I also hate dishonesty and misleading people, so I don't compliment people unless I mean what I say.

 

One of my friends compliments me every now and then and told me that she always felt it was a good thing to do, especially for children, so long as you restrict your compliments to sincere ones so I've loosened up a bit more that way. I also have known some insecure fellows who I 'allowed' myself to compliment more often because I wanted them to share my good opinion of themselves.

 

I think that no matter how sincere you may be, complimenting a lot too soon in a relationship may come off as insincere. Roll back the compliments a bit until he knows you more and knows what you're like

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by moimeme

I have been stingy with compliments in my time exactly because I dreaded sounding insincere. Kind of a leftover from my mom, who I ceased believing because she only ever had good things to say about me. I also hate dishonesty and misleading people, so I don't compliment people unless I mean what I say.

 

One of my friends compliments me every now and then and told me that she always felt it was a good thing to do, especially for children, so long as you restrict your compliments to sincere ones so I've loosened up a bit more that way. I also have known some insecure fellows who I 'allowed' myself to compliment more often because I wanted them to share my good opinion of themselves.

 

I think that no matter how sincere you may be, complimenting a lot too soon in a relationship may come off as insincere. Roll back the compliments a bit until he knows you more and knows what you're like

 

This was an excellent and succint explanation. Thanks, moi! I will do as directed and of course, report back on the results.

 

Having crushes is fun though. Fun fun fun.

[Proto]

*sigh

 

 

I'm sorry this is off-topic, but it's just really damn annoying that people who love to shower compliments and be kind and sincere are seen as "insincere" or "having alterior motives".

 

 

Is this what we've become in our relationships with our loved ones?

[blind_otter]

It is a bit frustrating, Proto. I know it is. I'm a bit overly concerned with the self-esteem of those I am interested in and I shower them with compliments mostly because I really just want to make them feel really good. When they are around me, I want them to feel....cherished. Like they are precious, valuable creatures who lighten my life and make ME feel happier and lighter when they are around me, for what it's worth.

 

I am like that I think because my Dad always made me feel cherished and valuable to him. He made me feel like, when I came into the room, I lit it up and made him feel better even when there was no reason for it. So in turn I really try to make someone who I adore feel special like that. I know how it feels to be cherished and it is the best feeling in the world.

 

Stingy with compliments this guy may be, but he does these things that are very restrained that make me feel so gooey inside. Like brushing my bangs back off my forehead and kissing my temples. He is a foot taller than me so he does this a lot. But then again he also does this goofy thing where he pretends to make out with the air a foot a bove my head. Like I need to be reminded how tiny I am.

[moimeme]

I shower them with compliments mostly because I really just want to make them feel really good. When they are around me, I want them to feel....cherished. Like they are precious, valuable creatures who lighten my life and make ME feel happier and lighter when they are around me, for what it's worth

 

Amen to that!

 

 

I'm sorry this is off-topic, but it's just really damn annoying that people who love to shower compliments and be kind and sincere are seen as "insincere" or "having alterior motives".

 

Is this what we've become in our relationships with our loved ones?

 

That, too. It's just we have to adjust to societal conditions. So in a society where a lot of people behave dishonestly, it's not unusual to meet someoone who is unwilling to trust you for a long time or who is leery that you might also be dishonest. So if you're genuninely honest, you just have to bide your time until the person finally sees that your actions are honest.

 

Because there are a few too many folks who tend to fall obsessively and too fast and one of the signs of that sort of person is that s/he'll compliment you a lot, if you compliment someone a lot that person might suspect you of being delusional/obsessive. So you give the person time to know you and then, when they understand you're not a loon, you can be more complimentary.

[blind_otter]

My crush is so cute. I am a phone beeeyotch so I get call waiting beeps all the time when we talk. I just ignore them, unless it's my bestfriend R, or my parents or my sister. Everyone else can wait until I'm done talking.

 

But every time I get a beep he's like, who was that?. I just happen to have a lot of people who call me and bitch at me about random sh*t....or guys who are interested in me that I try my best to ignore. So I guess he has a right to be a little p'o'ed. He is so cute though. I just want to eat him up.

 

And I wiiiiillllllll. muaaaaahahahahaaaaaaa.

[clynn]

I had a role reversal situation.

 

I'm more the reserved person and the guy I was dating like you. Hyper sexed, crazy and showers with compliments, came on really strong.

 

I doubted his sincerity. That's not his fault. Could be my insecurities.

 

I also wasn't able to throw the compliments back at him at the rate that he wanted to pass them on to me.

 

It didn't work out in the end.

 

Or hasn't so far anyhow.

 

We still flirt and hang sometimes.

[bluechocolate]

from clynn

I also wasn't able to throw the compliments back at him at the rate that he wanted to pass them on to me.

and nor should you have. Hopefully he was throwing those compliments at you with no expectations.

 

To me this is the problem with "showering with compliments". The receiver ends up feeling that they must reciprocate & feels guilty or obligated if they don't.

 

I think that, rather than complimenting verbally, one should show their feelings with actions. "Actions speak louder than words", I've heard that many times on this website. My partner is very stingy with compliments, but he likes to give hugs a lot & once or twice a week I'll have a hot breakfast. Or the compliment is delayed, like

 

"Jebus!! It's 10am, you've been up for ages, why didn't you wake me up! ".

 

"Because you looked so beautiful & comfortable asleep, like an angel."

 

Either this is a compliment or a clever way of avoiding a confrontation or getting an hours peace, but hey! it works for me!

 

Anyway, if the compliments are sincere, then fine. If they are delivered with no expectation of reciprocation, then fine.

[Baubles]

welll....I am going through this right now (and a similar guy months ago)...

 

ENGINEERS ARE DORKS They cannot help it - every engineer I have ever dated or known have had difficulty expressing their emotions and all have had weird quirks I found unbelievably endearing.

 

I was just talking to one tonight about the same thing...he claims he's short on giving compliments out b/c there's a whole list and he's have to pick from them. What? It doesn't make sense. But, your guy is what an engineering grad student - there's your explanation. I have yet to have an engineer explain feelings to me in anyway that wasn't completely dorky my entire life. Seriously, this guy started giving them to me tongiht and they started w/ how soft my hair is and how I do it up just for him. What???

 

Don't stress over it - I understand your pain...my theory is just he's an ENGINEER - he cannot help it.

 

(no offense to the emotionally expressive engineers out there who can vocalize their feelings - but I have yet to meet ya!)

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Baubles

welll....I am going through this right now (and a similar guy months ago)...

 

ENGINEERS ARE DORKS They cannot help it - every engineer I have ever dated or known have had difficulty expressing their emotions and all have had weird quirks I found unbelievably endearing.

 

I was just talking to one tonight about the same thing...he claims he's short on giving compliments out b/c there's a whole list and he's have to pick from them. What? It doesn't make sense. But, your guy is what an engineering grad student - there's your explanation. I have yet to have an engineer explain feelings to me in anyway that wasn't completely dorky my entire life. Seriously, this guy started giving them to me tongiht and they started w/ how soft my hair is and how I do it up just for him. What???

 

Don't stress over it - I understand your pain...my theory is just he's an ENGINEER - he cannot help it.

 

(no offense to the emotionally expressive engineers out there who can vocalize their feelings - but I have yet to meet ya!)

 

:lmao:

 

You are right....his dad is a computer engineer and his mother is a gastroenterologist. He told me over the weekend that his family was "very repressed" - which is the opposite of my family, emotionally expulsive crazy people. Dinner at my family's house is insane. A bunch of people talking simultaneously and about 15 different conversations going on between 6-7 people. Hey, ya know, we talk a lot and yell at the top of our lungs for no apparent reason.

 

He is just so absolutely adorable. Sometimes he will bust out with some gesture or something that is really romantic, but mostly he is a big goofball and I like it. It's refreshing and funny. And it's not like he just wants to show me off to his friends, although there is a bit of that. My bestfriend met him and she was like, ohmigod, he is such an adorable dork. I love it! And then we made him feel extremely uncomfortable but I suppose I made up for it later on in the evening.

 

He spent the night on saturday but we didn't have sex. everything BUT. And I've had the situation where sex/sexual activity was easy and fine and totally not awkward with people, but this was not the case with him. I think he thinks too much. What a surprise.

 

The thing is that he is SO smart, that I feel intimidated. I'm not used to it. I was talking to K last night about how I purposefully chose to date men of lesser education or intelligence than me before I met Mr. Grad student, because I suppose that made me feel more secure, like I had the upper hand in some way - ultimately I never did, it was all an illusion anyways. But the thing is I say stuff like, after he makes some intelligent statement I'll be kinda speechless and like, wow you are really smart. And then he asks, How? And I have no answer - it's in how you carry yourself, the way you speak, all that stuff....and he is just super intelligent. His whole family is. But I get the feeling they are SUPER smart, and he feels (from what he has said) that he is the least intelligent of the bunch, which is still way smarter than me or mine.

 

I mean, my family is educated, but my Dad was career military and my mum's a nurse - no Ph.D's in my family to speak of, and his family is chock full of 'em.

 

Another thing is that he is a vegan and an animal rights activist. I have kind of stopped eating meat recently, not because of him per se, but I knew I needed to, anyways...so I just did and it is ok but MAN I gave in and had a sausage biscuit for breakfast. I like sausage, heh heh heh.

 

He is just so dreamy. I am in "he is super dreamy" stage right now, so I look at him and think, wow how pretty. hahaha. I hope he thinks that way about me. But he is so so SO restrained and SO new england-y in his behavior. It cracks me up. I call him Yankee and he calls me a hick, because I have a teeny weensy southern drawl. My Dad has a really strong one - not a hick accent but one of those genteel southern accents that like older southern men from around the base of the appalachian mountains have. So that's the kind I have, but apparently, what I had thought was an unnoticeable southern accent is a glaring drawl to my yankee boy.

 

But at least he thinks it is cute. And he was a super cute cuddler when he slept over. He was "too tired to drive home" - maybe because I kept um distracting him from leaving, har har har. Oh I love having crushes!