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Should I get off internet dating sites for a while?


Daisy-oliviaWentcher

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

I have had only two relationships. One lasted 2 and a bit years and I was 18-20 and one was recent, lasting on 2 months. I am 32 years old which means I was single for 12 and a half years almost 13.

 

This puts a lot of men off and I can understand why. It makes them confused, weirded out and turned off, and naturally they have a lot of questions, they ask why? and how come? and how come now you're dating and not in the 12 and a half years you should have dated, how come many men haven't been interested in you? and blah blah blah. That's okay. I understand that. It doesn't bother me too much, I just move on until I find someone for which it is not a problem for. Some men like woman who are peppered with experience. They want to make sure that you have been pre-approved. So I can understand the questions.

 

I did find someone who I really did connect with! and I was over joyed but unfortunately he started fading away, heartbroken, I decided to just date as much as I can.

 

I date for lots of different reasons. Experience, finding the right person, and something fun to do, it's exciting to meet different people.

 

But I feel like I've become "obsessed" with dating. I date as much as possible. Sometimes the guy likes me, sometimes no, but as soon as something doesn't work out with one guy, I move on to the next.

 

Is this obsession with dating in some way because I feel like " I've missed out" and " need to make up for lost time?" I thought I was over that, but I cannot help but feel somewhere there is this over-riding sense of urgency, anxiety and agitation.

 

I feel like the more I date I lesson that sense of " long term singleness" that I am known for. It makes me feel calmer being on lots of dates with guys.

 

However, I feel like it's getting out of hand and i can't keep up with all the men messaging me.

 

I need some help and some advice!

 

( please no judgmental and nasty comments please)

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If you think it's becoming an obsession perhaps take a step back. Go for quality dates over quantity.

 

Stop sharing with the men you do meet that you had this 12 year gap in your dating history. It's really none of their business early on. Whether you were in a frame of mind to have a relationship in the past is not an accurate measure of whether you are datable now.

 

Simply be a bit more circumspect about who you share info with at the early stages. You can't lie but you can be vague or side step the question. If asked I'd say something like I prefer not to kiss & tell, or the past is in the past, let's focus on the here & now & each other.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher
If you think it's becoming an obsession perhaps take a step back. Go for quality dates over quantity.

 

Stop sharing with the men you do meet that you had this 12 year gap in your dating history. It's really none of their business early on. Whether you were in a frame of mind to have a relationship in the past is not an accurate measure of whether you are datable now.

 

Simply be a bit more circumspect about who you share info with at the early stages. You can't lie but you can be vague or side step the question. If asked I'd say something like I prefer not to kiss & tell, or the past is in the past, let's focus on the here & now & each other.

 

But why hide the truth and be embarrassed about it? it happens it's the truth? if they're uncomfortable with it it's their choice. I feel like hiding it makes me feel like I should be embarrassed about it and should hide it because it's a BIG secret when really it's not that big of an issue is it? If they have their issues surrounding my lack of dating skills/history or whatever then that is their issue not mine. I just feel like I would rather be honest about these things in the beginning stages than suddenly say " oh by the way, I haven't had much success, I was single for X amount of years" what difference does it make if I say it earlier on or later on?

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Daisy: I went over this with you 10s of times. You have to stop defining who you are by the number of years you've been single. You carry this like a ton of brick on your shoulders. You've got to get rid of way of thinking. Don't advertise you have been single for 10 + years as if it was an std. No one cares. I know first hand I was single 10 years as well, funny how NO ONE ever thought it was weird, no men ever asked me strange questions about it and no one made me feel as if something must be wrong with me.

 

That being out of the way, to the rest.

 

I can't really promote getting off online because I did it myself with quite an obsession as well. I dated men after men and moved to next quickly. I did it because I had an objective. I knew what I wanted and I was determine to find him....and I did, after 3,5 years online and 200 coffee-dates. I was able to do it because of my character. I didn't take it too seriously, I moved on fast, and didn't hang on to any of those men. Can you do that?

 

I was told many times to quit online dating and to spend time alone which was hilarious simply because I had spent 10 years alone, concentrating on myself, doing me things, and just being about me me me me. It gets tiring to be the center of our own life.

 

So my suggestion to you is to

 

A) Major change of attitude with the fact you were single 10 years

B) Slow down with online dating. Don't multi date, just do it one guy at a time. When you meet someone hide your profile so you don't get more messages and then end up overwhelmed. I finally met when I stopped multi-dating and I stopped looking for instant chemistry. Once you find someone nice - stop looking for someone better and concentrate on that one.

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But why hide the truth and be embarrassed about it? it happens it's the truth? if they're uncomfortable with it it's their choice. I feel like hiding it makes me feel like I should be embarrassed about it and should hide it because it's a BIG secret when really it's not that big of an issue is it? If they have their issues surrounding my lack of dating skills/history or whatever then that is their issue not mine. I just feel like I would rather be honest about these things in the beginning stages than suddenly say " oh by the way, I haven't had much success, I was single for X amount of years" what difference does it make if I say it earlier on or later on?

 

You have made an abundant number of thread in which you always start by saying you have been single 10 years. Always!! without fail you do that. You do it because it bothers YOU. When something does not bother you it doesn't even pop up in your mind.

 

So leave that information HOME when you go out on a date.If it's not important then don't talk about it.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher
You have made an abundant number of thread in which you always start by saying you have been single 10 years. Always!! without fail you do that. You do it because it bothers YOU. When something does not bother you it doesn't even pop up in your mind.

 

So leave that information HOME when you go out on a date.If it's not important then don't talk about it.

 

What if he finds out anyway? and if he does then what? when I have delayed that information, they end up fading away. That's why I know, it doesn't MATTER when I tell them, because those who find out and have a problem with it leave.

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JustGettingBy

I wouldn't recommend quitting...I'd recommend regrouping. Ask yourself what it is you want in a mate, think of the best things you have to offer (these will be the things you mention in early dates), and then return in a couple weeks with a fresh perspective.

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Daisy

 

You post about this over & over. The gap is stumbling block for you. I'm not saying to hide it. I'm not saying you should be embarrassed about it. I suspect though that you use it as a litmus test. You shove it in some new guy's face to see how he reacts. You may not realize you are doing it. You may not do it on purpose but it happened.

 

If asked a direct Q, fine answer it but don't lead with the info.

 

I'll give you an example. Somebody I know went to prison for a drug trafficking conviction. he was in prison for a few years. When he got out, it was "in your face" about it to everyone & then annoyed when he couldn't pick up women. I finally looked at him & said, nobody is saying you have to be shamed by what happened but if you don's stop announcing it within the 1st five minutes of meeting new people you will never get anybody new to speak to you because you come off as a crazy person who is proud of you conviction. He finally understood the difference between owning his mistake & being remorseful vs seeming to brag about it.

 

If you have never tried my suggestion of being more coy at least give it a shot. Your way certainly hasn't worked.

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Daisy: I went over this with you 10s of times. You have to stop defining who you are by the number of years you've been single.

 

You post about this over & over.

 

Another example of recycled misery. There are just some people that like to wear their misery on their sleeve like a badge of honor.

Some people are just addicted to unhappiness, because there a certain comfortable familiarity with being dissatisfied, unhappy.. why she keeps posting same stuff over and over. At this point she knows nothing else.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

all I wanted to talk about is should I take a break from dating sites that's all

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all I wanted to talk about is should I take a break from dating sites that's all

 

When it's time to take a break from online dating you feel it deep in your gut and you can't wait to delete your profile.

 

At this time you are only disappointed with the negative outcomes of your dating. You need to change your procedure, a change of plan, a change of outlook. You need to bring out a new Daisy with a new attitude.

Edited by Gaeta
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I'm a guy (30) and personally I couldn't care less about a girl being single for a long period of time. What does it matter. What's important is how you conduct yourself in a relationship. Most guys our age are more worried about women who spent their 20s in and out of too many relationships and became "damaged."

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

I think there are many ways a woman or man can become "damaged" and it's not necessarily through relationships. For some it's lack there of. I think for sometime I have just been afraid of really being completely vulnerable in fear I'll be judged. That's being damaged by lack of trust and unfortunately because I have been judged because the guy who I use to date " didn't want to talk about his feelings and didn't want to listen to mine" so for years I never use to express my feelings. That's a fear and that's very damaging.

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I think there are many ways a woman or man can become "damaged" and it's not necessarily through relationships. For some it's lack there of. I think for sometime I have just been afraid of really being completely vulnerable in fear I'll be judged. That's being damaged by lack of trust and unfortunately because I have been judged because the guy who I use to date " didn't want to talk about his feelings and didn't want to listen to mine" so for years I never use to express my feelings. That's a fear and that's very damaging.

 

There are words you should eliminate from your vocabulary, words like 'damaged'. If you view yourself as damaged then no wonder this dating isn't working for you. No one wants to be with someone 'damaged'. What an ugly word. It's not being damaged, it's having lived.

 

Daisy: We've all been hurt, all been betrayed, all been taken advantage of. It's not what happened to you that defines who you are but what you chose to do with it. Are you choosing to be a victim or choosing to be a survivor? Do you choose to let it keep you down or you choose to learn from it and rise from it? Do you choose let it weaken you or will you choose to let it make you stronger, smarter, wiser?

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Versacehottie
If you think it's becoming an obsession perhaps take a step back. Go for quality dates over quantity.

 

Stop sharing with the men you do meet that you had this 12 year gap in your dating history. It's really none of their business early on. Whether you were in a frame of mind to have a relationship in the past is not an accurate measure of whether you are datable now.

 

Simply be a bit more circumspect about who you share info with at the early stages. You can't lie but you can be vague or side step the question. If asked I'd say something like I prefer not to kiss & tell, or the past is in the past, let's focus on the here & now & each other.

 

You by no means should tell guys you had a 12 year gap in your dating history. Is it equally accurate to say that you dated here and there during that period, focused on your career, traveled or focused on hobbies during that time? Well then talk about that. I actually don't think a guy will be totally quizzing you about that during meetings 1-5 with you--if you are fun and light-hearted (which is advice I think I gave you before). I'm guess you want to in a very deep and heavy way dig into their dating history or verbally vomit yours on the table--like now that this is all in the open. That is heavy and everyone who is normal HATES dates that are like a therapy session. Or people that feel that they need to connect on a deepest, darkest level and if he understands and accepts me for this 12 year gap, we can be together. It's not the 12 year gap that can trip you up in a statement like that, it's the NEED to throw it on the table. That suggests you have issues surrounding it. He can hear it in the tone and manner and so can all of us. It's not really an issue but you make it into one; thus these guys will assume there's an issue. Like anyone who assumes their past is soooooo relevant or damaging they need current's dates approval in order to get going. Ugh. That in itself presents you as damaged goods.

 

To answer your question, I don't think you should take a break in dating. I think you should continue. It's the one thing I am sure you are doing right if you want to be in a relationship. I think you should, as donnivan suggested, try to go for quality over quantity. One might think that you are an all or nothing person (12 year gap vs all these dates but not the right guy). What about the middle road? I.E. 12 year gap is a small part of your life and can be viewed differently (focus on career in the general past) and using your discerning taste to only focus on quality guys that have potential to turn into promising relationships.

 

I think you should also really really work on your approach. I can't stress enough that you need to be more light-hearted and have fun. I can see people on a continuum and you need to move toward the light-hearted, fun end to get what you want. This is your issue, not the 12 year gap. good luck

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I agree she shouldn't mention it, but I think I understand why she does.

 

It's a defense against being hurt later down the road, if and when, for some reason they DO find out.... and have an issue with it, and leave.

 

Whether they find out from her, as they get closer and she wishes to disclose more about herself, or from friends.

 

If she tells them this up front, and they are bothered by it, they can walk NOW rather than later, after she becomes attached and/or falls in love.

 

Thus avoiding deeper pain later should they choose to walk, again, if and when they were to ever find out.

 

JMO.

Edited by katiegrl
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My brain refuses to wrap itself around the possibility someone would actually break up a good relationship because one of the parties involved has been single for a long period of time.

 

Having been there myself. I was out in the dating world for 4 years, with my history of being single for close to 10 years. NEVER once someone frowned at me for it.

 

When I was asked a direct question and answered my last long term relationship ended in 2004, of course I was asked how come a woman like me was single for so long. My answer was 'I was too busy with life, raising a kid, working, University at night, and just too damn busy building myself to concentrate on someone else'. I came across as a woman in charge of her life, independent, emotionally self sufficient, ambitious, strong willed.

 

If I had answered 'I have been alone for 10 years because I am damaged good' I am sure I wouldn't have gotten as much attention from men as I did!

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My brain refuses to wrap itself around the possibility someone would actually break up a good relationship because one of the parties involved has been single for a long period of time.

 

 

Yes my brain finds that hard to believe as well... but IMO, from reading the OP's posts, her brain believes it's a possibility.

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Michelle ma Belle
all I wanted to talk about is should I take a break from dating sites that's all

 

If you have to ask the question then perhaps it's time. That's always been my philosophy when it came to OLD.

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if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

 

I used to do OLD for the last 3 years. I've stopped 2 months ago. Man, it's weird. It's quiet. But I still meet new people - only face to face. Connection takes time to build. There is uncertainty, there is unpredictability... tension builds. You know what? It's delicious. So many new things, new sensations, I mean... who takes their time these days, before jumping into dating?

 

Discovering that you can get to know someone before going on a date with them is just one of the perk benefits of not doing OLD anymore. It's exactly like it was in highschool. Only now you don't have the hormones rushing through your body like crazy and you have enough money to go to restaurant and moves whenever you feel like.

 

I wouldn't worry about the 12-13 years. Thing is - if it bothers you, it'll bother your partner. We are highly sensitive to that sort of thing, people feel the tense / sore spots of their partners and they project a lot.

 

I know you must have heard that a million times, but the moment you stop freating about it and love your life, that moment your 12 years of celibacy stop being a pain. It's just a detail. Not whom you are. And the more you focus on it and try ti fix it, the more you'll fail at it. So stop resisting it. Accept. LEt go. Move on.

 

Read about letting go. Melody Beattie wrote a beautiful book called "the power of letting go". you might want to give it a go.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher
I agree she shouldn't mention it, but I think I understand why she does.

 

It's a defense against being hurt later down the road, if and when, for some reason they DO find out.... and have an issue with it, and leave.

 

Whether they find out from her, as they get closer and she wishes to disclose more about herself, or from friends.

 

If she tells them this up front, and they are bothered by it, they can walk NOW rather than later, after she becomes attached and/or falls in love.

 

Thus avoiding deeper pain later should they choose to walk, again, if and when they were to ever find out.

 

JMO.

 

I've been judged for it in the past and questioned over and over for it then when I did reveal this information, guys have left. One asked " why didn't you tell me this sooner" they didn't like the fact that I revealed this information later rather than sooner. I had one guy asked " wow. Something must be wrong with you" so I spill the beans. I also want to know how long they've been single for so I know they've spent adequate time being alone before diving into a relationship and I know I have less to compare myself to. After that's out of the way, I don't even mention ex's or bring up the subject again, in fact, I close that subject down straight away if they mention it. I think once a little bit of your past is revealed early, you can get on with it and move on quicker from it. I don't like talking about ex's for lack there of and it makes me uncomfortable if they bring up their sexual history or past which men have too. One guy made fun of me for not sleeping with enough guys, so I made an effort to rectify it by sleeping with a few more. I have been on a lot dates, it actually SURPRISES me when guys don't care, because in my dating history, most guys do! they want to know if you've been pre-approved. As one guys said " I want to test drive the car before I buy it. I also usually like to know if others have had the same car and enjoyed it too" Some guys prefer knowing that you've had dating experience and sexual experience as opposed to nothing or not much at all.

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Versacehottie
I've been judged for it in the past and questioned over and over for it then when I did reveal this information, guys have left. One asked " why didn't you tell me this sooner" they didn't like the fact that I revealed this information later rather than sooner. I had one guy asked " wow. Something must be wrong with you" so I spill the beans. I also want to know how long they've been single for so I know they've spent adequate time being alone before diving into a relationship and I know I have less to compare myself to. After that's out of the way, I don't even mention ex's or bring up the subject again, in fact, I close that subject down straight away if they mention it. I think once a little bit of your past is revealed early, you can get on with it and move on quicker from it. I don't like talking about ex's for lack there of and it makes me uncomfortable if they bring up their sexual history or past which men have too. One guy made fun of me for not sleeping with enough guys, so I made an effort to rectify it by sleeping with a few more. I have been on a lot dates, it actually SURPRISES me when guys don't care, because in my dating history, most guys do! they want to know if you've been pre-approved. As one guys said " I want to test drive the car before I buy it. I also usually like to know if others have had the same car and enjoyed it too" Some guys prefer knowing that you've had dating experience and sexual experience as opposed to nothing or not much at all.

 

OMGosh, i'm feeling a lot of hardheadedness here, lol. Look, this approach hasn't been working for you. Are you going to take seriously a guy who likes you in all other respects but would dump you when he found out you were single for a long period of time? That's ridiculous of future him and you. He would either like you or not. I can honestly say it is a complete turn off that you bring this up over and over. Someone with a beautiful name; I imagine a pretty face and who has a tremendous amount of introspection and deepness. Surely you are more than this period in time. This is the complete manifestation of "baggage". Pre-approved??? What a joke!!! It is sooo obvious that you feel bad/"less than" about this dating gap and feel like you need to divulge it. It's sad actually.

 

If you are surprised by some guys response it is because it is a non-issue for them. That should tell you it will be fine for some people. Also it should tell you, perhaps, those ones don't mind the drama you make it to be whereas the other ones, don't mind the gap fact only that you signal that you are about drama, heaviness and melancholy. That is what is off-putting.

 

Your defense mechanism is getting the best of you. It is not your friend. You are trying to pre-qualify these guys in an erroneous way!! Or maybe not, since you tend toward the melancholy. It's completely frustrating. I'm sorry, you are better than this. Where is larryville who says people are destined to keep repeating the same mistakes!!!??? You are on the first step. You realize there's a problem; you are asking for help. Take the advice. Or don't take the advice, just do the opposite of what you have been doing. (which is what some of us have been giving you as advice).

 

Stop operating out of fear (which both created the 12 year gap AND this ridiculous defense mechanism). I'm sure all of us (men and women) have things we'd rather not share with partners or potential partners. Never, ever. Some things are meant to be disclosed, some have a time and place and some are never meant to be disclosed. You need to use some social awareness. Your 12 year gap is never meant to be disclosed as you are disclosing it. You can say you didn't meet the right guy during that point in your life, you were focused on other things, that you had fun in the meantime. I will even throw you a bone with a sad one: that the reason for you taking a dating break was to connect with yourself and then you can be vulnerable and say you do or in the past have had a hard time trusting people. All of those signify positivity, growth, personal awareness, honesty from a vulnerable place, and can be a compliment to whomever you are telling it. The way you are doing it indicates weakness, unhappiness, negativity and baggage. You can be vague if that suits you. There is no way you are going to get me to believe that 100% of the many guys you are dating pried into your life so much so that they all got this same story from you in the first few dates. It really is verbal vomit. You need to live in the present. You are a lady that is getting a lot of dates and who guys are interested in now. What happened years ago with not dating is not relevant at all to now--unless you have a hang-up about it. Your dates are not responsible for helping you through your hang up about it. TBH, I would be worried about most guys that agreed to date you after you dumped this onto them. You want stable, normal than be stable, normal.

 

Sorry, I like you. This is frustrating though. So no you should not stop dating. But stop using your dating experiences for therapy. Do that separately and simultaneously.

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. Are you going to take seriously a guy who likes you in all other respects but would dump you when he found out you were single for a long period of time? That's ridiculous of future him and you. He would either like you or not. I can honestly say it is a complete turn off that you bring this up over and over.

 

Sorry I find it hard to believe that any otherwise normal guy would have an issue with this. Why is it any "worse", say, than you being in a 12 year relationship? I just don't get it. At all.

 

It's only an issue if you make it one.

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The question was "Should I get off internet dating sites for a while?" and not go on about how lomg she has been single for.

 

I think to move forward. Why not take time out? Take 6 months out from interent dating.

 

The reason i say this is I have a female friedn who has a date 3 times a week! She goes out tot eh same bar with all these different men. Im sure the bar staff thinks she is some sort of escort.

 

My friend gets tired of dating, and she suffers from dating burn out. She seems to be in the frame of mind the next man will be better than the next, or this is the one. Only to be let down.

 

Take out 6 months and focus on a hobby and if you do decide to go back online. You ll take internet dating with a different frame of mind.

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Stop dating or take some time alone and walk in the nature or by the sea and

do some soul searching and ask yourself, why do i feel this need to date so much?

What kind of feeling/fear i try to fill by doing this.

And what other way i can fill it without being obsessed with dating many.

 

I think men will appreciate more if you ware 12 years single then that you been dating the whole world.

People think that once you are a adult dating is what you have to do all the time if you single or not having a boyfriend is what you need if you not full-time dating.

 

There is less attention for the being single, having some time for yourself to think, work on your issues( we all have them: childhood traumas, insecurity's, accepting yourself, working on your self esteem etc.).

But also enjoying your friends and family and travel, educate yourself,read some books, relationship-dating-health-parenting-financian-men/women psychology books.etc. gain some experiences true charity work, by helping others, or in your career and so on.

 

The time you are single is normal. Its normal and ok to be single.

You dont have to have bf all the time.

And when you single enjoy it, work on yourself, improve yourself as person and as women/men. So when you get into a relationship you have more to offer in a healthy way and so you can be a better partner.

 

And maybe you need to start socializing. Instead of dating. Dating is for when you finally found a guy out of 1000, you start dating him.(THAT DOESNT HAPPEN EVERY WEEK,MONTH OR 100000 TIMES A YEAR!). Which mean getting to now him more deeper as person. Doing activity's together, and so on.

Socializing is more just go to activity's, like festivals,birthday party's, food market,and so on, and just get to know people, chat with them, in a friendship way. Not having expectations of being their gf. Just talk and go with a socializing/friendship mindset.

That will be a more healthy way of meeting and getting to know people. Without the needy, premeditated way of going out to date with hope it will be a match or relationship.

Bij socializing/friendship mindset, you also give you and the others the chance to know you in a relaxed none forced into relationship way. And if there is chemistry with someone at some point it will happen automatically.

You wont need to do any extras like you are doing now to get a bf.

 

And maybe the guys you dating have more experience then you and are seeing also that you are this "needy" person that dates all and that its like a game to you.

Maybe they see that and break it off even if they liked you at first.

Stop making dating a job.

 

Finding a partner should be a natural thing. Not a planned thing.

And it wont look well on you for many men to say everywhere you go now or once you have a bf/husband : yes we used to date her.

 

Like someone said, you need to worry about quality instead of quantity.

Less is more! Especially that you are a women, you dont have to do much.

Men will notice you in the right way automatically if you carry yourself well.

Use your lifetime right. Working on your personality, knowledge /educating yourself,preparing yourself for the future,being a wife, and motherhood.

And to better relationships you have and will make in the future.

 

I also advice you to read christian self help books. The focus on more things that are important.

And having some guidelines in dating and relationships and so on, will help you to not have to waste time on things that are not important, and it help you also to have a

more firm goal where you wanna go and how to live to it.

And also how to say no, or where to draw a line in dating.

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