Girl acting really weird

[JonesSmith]

I have a new co-worker since a couple of months. When I met her my long term relationship had been slowly dying for months, maybe longer. She was assigned to work with me one day a week and we're in similar fields. It seemed we hit it off immediately, as friends I think, I soon started liking her a bit (nothing too serious though). She briefly mentioned something about her boyfriend once or twice a week (when it was relevant to the conversation) and I mentioned my girlfriend. Then as time went on we started to have deeper conversations, teasing, joking, etc... but we were still not seeing each other outside of work. I really liked her intelligence and conversation skills. At one point she made a comment about her boyfriend that I didn't go into but I suspected meant she wasn't feeling like she had enough in common with him (just like I felt about my girlfriend). I then went on vacation and decided to break it off with my girlfriend soon.

 

When I got back from vacation my co-worker was ice and ice cold towards me (verbally and in terms of body language: crossed arms, etc...) and since I had started liking her quit a bit by now and was already feeling pretty badly because of the decision I had made I basically crumbled and spend the rest of the workweek being nervous and quiet. My co-worker also became very nervous and quiet around me. That weekend I broke up with my girlfriend and the next week I told my co-worker about it when we were assigned to work together in the same office room. She immediately told me she was having similar troubles with her boyfriend (and in later conversations it really sounded similar to my own experience) and we spent the day like we were completely comfortable around each other again. Then the next day her nervousness and negative body language were back, she really seemed to be avoiding me.

 

Since then it's gone back and forth like this for a couple of weeks: she'll open up and tell me very personal things (quite often things we have in common) when for some reason I can get her alone and talk for a while, but she does have boundaries and I'm certainly not running around doing favors for her or begging for her attention so I know I'm not friendzoned. We'll also have lively discussions about politics and our ideals and views on things (we have a lot in common even if it's not exactly apparent on the outside). But otherwise she'll come talk to me maybe once or twice a day, always starting the conversation with something work related, sometimes I do wonder if she really needs my help with those things (that she could have emailed me/found the answer herself/held her question for some other time) but that could just be me seeing ghosts. Her whole face will sometimes becomes red when I'm near her, she'll fidget like crazy and she'll sometimes act like a random third person is suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. On the bad days she will kep a physical distance from me, on the good days she'll let me get close and will smile. She will sometimes glance at me, sometimes looking down when I look back. She'll often keep her arms crossed and can't keep standing still, even when I make her laugh (which I do a lot, but it's not like she'll laugh at every lame joke). I now know she's been with her boyfriend since she was a teenager and so has zero experience with adult courtship rituals, this has given me some more confidence so I don't reflect her nervousness as much as I used to, but it still seems like a power struggle at times, depending on who's sitting/standing, who walked up to who and who's in a more confident mood. She's usually pretty outgoing but I know she has a nerdy/dorky side to her (I'm the same) that she doesn't like showing in public, or really to anyone at work, even

the other women (who all find me a fun guy to hang out with, some probably more than that), except me. I know girls with a similar level of physical attractiveness to her have liked me in the past (while I had much less in common with them than with her) and I know from an old facebook picture her boyfriend looks a bit like me, so at least it's not like she's way above my league in that regard. I'm slowly meeting and talking to other girls (I've hinted at this to her) because I feel I shouldn't get too obsessed with her antics but so far she's head and shoulders above any other girls I know, so it's hard...

 

To give a typical example of this cycle:

 

The bad: The day before yesterday I went for lunch with a group of co-workers, she happened to go at the same time. We all took the same elevator and when I stepped in her whole face turned red and she literally stepped to the side to hide away from me behind another co-worker's back. She then treated everyone at the table as if they were the most interesting people in the world though I saw her quickly glance at me twice from the corner of my eye. She ignored me for the rest of the day except at the end of the afternoon she came by my office and talked about something work related. All the while very anxious, ouching her throat, shifting her feet.

 

The good: early yesterday morning we had to go get another co-worker from another floor together. This meant 1-on-1 contact that she couldn't avoid and she repeatedly asked me questions even though I was giving short answers because I was a bit mad at her for het antics the day before. But then I engaged her and she seemed friendly and a bit less nervous, even joking a bit. When I walked past her office afterwards I saw her secretly glance at me (only her eyes moved), but I was glancing myself from the corner of my eye and I'm pretty sure she noticed. At lunch we actually talked for a few moments and she didn't seem to avoid me anymore. Then in the afternoon we had a meeting with on (much older and definitely not her type) co-worker and she actually dared to sit next to me, was friendly, warm, had her legs faced to me under the table even while talking to our co-worker, she played with her necklace. Then we had more conversation on the way back and she hesitated when we walked past my office. We struck up a conversation with another co-worker in my office (also much, much older and definitely not her type) and this went on for half an hour during which her and I cracked a lot of jokes, teased each other, smiled at each other, stood close to each other, etc...

 

I have two competing theories slugging it out in my head:

 

1) For some reason she just doesn't like me "like that", but she knows I like her and wants me to back off, on the good days and/or when I talk to her for a while she thinks I'm over her and she'll open up because she does like me as a person. The occasional glance from her is her checking to see if "that guy who just doesn't get the hint" is still looking at her.

 

2) She does like me "like that" but is very awkward since she's basically still a teenager when it comes to courtship and she is feeling guilty/confused because she still cares for her boyfriend in some way. When I talk to her for a while 1-on-1 I get her out of her shell. The occasional glance from her betrays her interest.

 

I need answers/insights/closure, at the very least so I can defuse the tension or know how to handle this sort of thing if I meet someone else like this.

[PegNosePete]

She has a boyfriend. Until that changes, steer clear.

[JonesSmith]

I'm not chasing her. Like I said, I am looking out for other girls, I know other girls are looking at me and i can make them laugh, get phone numbers, etc... but I still like her much more than any other girls I know (because of her personality, I have no trouble talking to other girls who are just as physically attractive as she is, in fact I don't think I'd have trouble talking to her if there were less of those bad days where she seems to want to avoid me)

 

I know her contract is up in a few months so even though I'm pretty sure she will eventually break up with her bf, whether she likes me or not. I started this threat precisely beause I don't want to wait that long to find out if she'll make a last minute move or not.

 

Anyway, are the two explanations I thought of the most logical ones? If so, which one is more likely to be true?

Edited April 27, 2016 by JonesSmith

[PegNosePete]

I started this threat precisely beause I don't want to wait that long to find out if she'll make a last minute move or not.

She has a boyfriend. Until that changes, steer clear.

[Versacehottie]

She likes the attention. She has a boyfriend. Until that changes, steer clear....

[JonesSmith]

She doesn't like attention like that, that's for sure. She's much more bubbly and stable with other people than she is with me (I always have to get her out of her shell, with other people she's much more spontaneous). At least I've never heard of any girls acting anxious, painfully nervous, as in actually spilling coffee on herself, and obviously avoiding a man to get his attention. On the bad days it's really like she just wants to run away from me, it's only because of the good days and because I know I can make her open up that I don't just assume she's completely creeped out by me.

[Larryville]

She has a boyfriend. Until that changes, steer clear.

 

She has a boyfriend. Until that changes, steer clear.

 

She likes the attention. She has a boyfriend. Until that changes, steer clear....

 

Life really is not that difficult… but it is amazing how some people despite common sense being right in front of them will TRY to make life more complicated than it has to be.

[JonesSmith]

She has a boyfriend. Until that changes, steer clear.

 

Btw, what exactly do you mean by this? Do you just mean it would be wrong in many people's minds if I flirted with her (which I'm not doing) or do you mean that if she liked me you think she would have done something about her bf already and I'm currently wasting my time even thinking about it?

[PegNosePete]

Btw, what exactly do you mean by this?

I mean, dating or having an affair with someone that has a boyfriend is the quickest way to get (a) a bad reputation, (b) a girlfriend who has no problem cheating on her boyfriend or © a black eye and a broken arm.

[JonesSmith]

And guys, if there was a pill that could make me stop thinking about this I would gladly take it.

[Versacehottie]

She doesn't like attention like that, that's for sure. She's much more bubbly and stable with other people than she is with me (I always have to get her out of her shell, with other people she's much more spontaneous). At least I've never heard of any girls acting anxious, painfully nervous, as in actually spilling coffee on herself, and obviously avoiding a man to get his attention. On the bad days it's really like she just wants to run away from me, it's only because of the good days and because I know I can make her open up that I don't just assume she's completely creeped out by me.

 

 

Even when she is nervous around you, she likes the attention. She has a boyfriend. Until that changes, steer clear....

[Versacehottie]

And guys, if there was a pill that could make me stop thinking about this I would gladly take it.

 

Sorry, I am teasing you a little bit to drive the point home. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be. Sounds like she likes you. There is nothing that you can or should do about it until she no longer has a boyfriend though. That's as simple and as complicated as it should be.

 

In the meantime for yourself, take the chill pill. Summer is coming up. Flirt with girls not from work. Date a lot or as much as you can manage. If you shift focus, that sometimes has a remarkable way of shaking things up with the one you love. Good luck

[JonesSmith]

I mean, dating or having an affair with someone that has a boyfriend is the quickest way to get (a) a bad reputation, (b) a girlfriend who has no problem cheating on her boyfriend or © a black eye and a broken arm.

 

I don't want to have an affair while she still has a boyfriend (she will break up with him, you're not likely to come back from the problems they have, I know this from my own experience). I just want to know if I should start the "getting over her" grieving process now, cut my losses.

 

If it turns out she does like me and breaks it off with her boyfriend then yes, I would have a girlfriend who apparently can like another guy while she's technically still in a relationship, but I liked her before I broke up with my ex girlfriend too (I would have broken it off regardless though) and I think such imperfections are simply human, I mean most people I know (I'm pushing 30) have liked someone else before they broke up, or even cheated, and it feels entirely unrealistic to steer clear of anyone like that.

[JonesSmith]

Sorry, I am teasing you a little bit to drive the point home. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be. Sounds like she likes you. There is nothing that you can or should do about it until she no longer has a boyfriend though. That's as simple and as complicated as it should be.

 

In the meantime for yourself, take the chill pill. Summer is coming up. Flirt with girls not from work. Date a lot or as much as you can manage. If you shift focus, that sometimes has a remarkable way of shaking things up with the one you love. Good luck

 

Thanks, yes, I'm certainly not pining over her at home (well right now I am ), I do flirt with other girls, am open to having dates and hope to god I meet someone who can make me forget her, but that simply hasn't happened yet.

[Satu]

And guys, if there was a pill that could make me stop thinking about this I would gladly take it.

 

You don't need a pill.

 

You're an adult.

 

You choose your actions.

 

Make sensible choices.

[JonesSmith]

You don't need a pill.

 

You're an adult.

 

You choose your actions.

 

Make sensible choices.

 

Man can do what he wills, but he cannot will what he wills...

 

I can choose not to flirt with her and not to hold out for her, and I did choose that, but I can't choose not to think about her.

Edited April 27, 2016 by JonesSmith

[PegNosePete]

I can't choose not to think about her.

Sure you can.

 

If I tell you not to think of a pink elephant then of course you think of pink elephants. If you want to not think about pink elephants then the best way is to think about a green penguin trying to get a fish out of a vending machine. See, while you were thinking about that funny image, you weren't thinking about pink elephants at all, were you?

 

Get what I'm saying? Fill your mind with other things.

[JonesSmith]

Sure you can.

 

If I tell you not to think of a pink elephant then of course you think of pink elephants. If you want to not think about pink elephants then the best way is to think about a green penguin trying to get a fish out of a vending machine. See, while you were thinking about that funny image, you weren't thinking about pink elephants at all, were you?

 

Get what I'm saying? Fill your mind with other things.

 

I am doing a lot of things with friends, going to bars, flirting with other girls, etc... and this does help but a) I still have to see her at work and sometimes meet/work together with her, and b) I can't fill my mind with other things 24/7, especially not when laying awake at night. It's not the first time I've had to get over someone but t's always been a long and painful process for me that only really completely ended when I found someone new. This time it's even worse (I'm actually losing a lot of sleep) because I know my attraction is of a more mature variety, deeply rooted in common interests, personality traits, etc... that I know I'll still be attracted to 10 years from now and that I know from experience can take me years to find again.

Edited April 27, 2016 by JonesSmith

[JonesSmith]

What I'm also saying is this: if 9 out of 10 people here tell me "she's so obviously avoiding you because she figured out you like her and doesn't feel the same way" this would make it easier for me to just mentally put an end to it, as if she had rejected me in person. But I also want people here to truthfully tell me what they think goes on in her head and if that means 9 out of 10 people here tell me "she obviously likes you but is acting weird because she's being shy and feeling guilty, too bad only she can decide to break it off with her boyfriend" then at least I've learned something new about women and I know I could make a move if at some point we're both single at the same time (but not before then, obviously).

[Satu]

I am doing a lot of things with friends, going to bars, flirting with other girls, etc... and this does help but a) I still have to see her at work and sometimes meet/work together with her, and b) *I can't fill my mind with other things 24/7, especially not when laying awake at night. It's not the first time I've had to get over someone but t's always been a long and painful process for me that only really completely ended when I found someone new. This time it's even worse (I'm actually losing a lot of sleep) because I know my attraction is of a more mature variety, deeply rooted in common interests, personality traits, etc... that I know I'll still be attracted to 10 years from now and that I know from experience can take me years to find again.

 

Thoughts and feelings are behaviours.

 

They are something we do.

 

If you don't like what you're doing, do something else.

 

You make it sound like your mind is something you have no control over.

 

Cultivate some self awareness.

Edited April 27, 2016 by Satu

[Ami1uwant]

What I'm also saying is this: if 9 out of 10 people here tell me "she's so obviously avoiding you because she figured out you like her and doesn't feel the same way" this would make it easier for me to just mentally put an end to it, as if she had rejected me in person. But I also want people here to truthfully tell me what they think goes on in her head and if that means 9 out of 10 people here tell me "she obviously likes you but is acting weird because she's being shy and feeling guilty, too bad only she can decide to break it off with her boyfriend" then at least I've learned something new about women and I know I could make a move if at some point we're both single at the same time (but not before then, obviously).

 

My 2 cents.......

 

I think she is torn. I think if she was single shed dare you. Combine that wuth the other problems she avoids you so she doesn't cheat.

[heydad75]

I understand that it can be hard not to be attracted to coworkers since you spend most of the day with them. However have you thought what you are looking for in this relationship? It seems that you have a great working relationship with this lady. But can it be more than that? If she has stated that she is already in an involved relationship. You mentioned that she has firm boundaries. Would it be wise to pursue this? Just trying to think about where YOU are at right now.

[JonesSmith]

I understand that it can be hard not to be attracted to coworkers since you spend most of the day with them. However have you thought what you are looking for in this relationship? It seems that you have a great working relationship with this lady. But can it be more than that? If she has stated that she is already in an involved relationship. You mentioned that she has firm boundaries. Would it be wise to pursue this? Just trying to think about where YOU are at right now.

 

I don't have a great working relationship with her. It's like I have to win her trust every single time and that can't be good for work (that's already a good reason to figure out what goes on in her head so I can defuse the tension) and if we talk only briefly about work I've noticed we tend to overlook obvious things because she's so uncomfortable and that then makes me nervous and we sometimes really get caught up in that, I wonder what it must look like to other co-workers. I also don't spend all day with her: about half the days we speak maybe once for a couple of minutes and maybe pass each other in the hall a couple of times. Those days are the bad days when everything is so awkward and it seems like she wants to hide/run away from me. With the one exception of the day I got back from my vacation, the days where I spend a lot of time with her are the good days where it seems like she trusts me and genuinely enjoys my company (and suddenly turns out to remember almost everything I ever said to her and every detail of some conversation she overheard me having with someone else 10ft away while she was supposedly busy ignoring me), though on a lot of those days things start off awkward as well for the first couple of minutes.

 

By boundaries I mean she won't tell me she bought a new sweater yesterday or that her boyfriend said something mean to her or that she's on her period, etc... I added the line about boundaries to make it clear that she confides in me sometimes but not in an obviously bam-you're-friendzoned! way. It's more like her telling me her hopes and dreams and her nerdy/dorky side and that she wonders whether her relationship isn't a dead end because of a lack of common interests and goals (like mine was), and guess who happens to do share a lot of interests and goals with her?

 

I'm not actively pursuing her (I would if she were single), in fact when we're not assigned to work together I don't even go up to talk to her unless it's work related. But sometimes we'll linger around each other when the conversation shifts to non-work related stuff (this only happens after the set amount of time it always take for her to go decide she suddenly does want to be in my company, I think it's about 5-10 minutes of 1-on-1 talk that does it, but it's hard to get such a talk started when she's acting like she wants to avoid me). When that happens she suddenly starts referencing stuff we talked about on a good day, which feels extremely weird to me. I also remember on the good day I described in the example that while we were chatting to our co-worker I told her that if she felt like she had to go back to work it would be fine and she asked me why I always wanted to send her away. I acted like I didn't hear her while I was thinking to myself "WHAT THE HELL?"

 

I never wished for this: when my boss told me they were bringing in a smart, ambitious female co-worker from my field to work with me I was hoping she'd be boring and ugly, not that she would tick pretty much every box on my mental things-I'd-want-in-a-girl list.

 

I do hit on other girls and some of them seem receptive, which then distracts me for a few moments, but really I am forcing myself to put effort into girls I know I could never fall in love with.

Edited April 28, 2016 by JonesSmith