how do you know that you're on the same page? Is it time to move on or to chill out?

[jonsnowredux_76]

BACKGROUND Danny and I have been together for 2 years... it has been FABULOUS! We get along really well and our humour/goals/outlook/sex drive all match really well. We have fun. We are deeply attracted to one another and there is lots of respect and great conversations. We are, for all intents and purposes, a great match. We have navigated lots of travel and a few minor issues like champions. We are good at respecting boundaries, giving space and realizing autonomy is a good thing in a healthy relationship.

He has been divorced for 3 years after a 14 year marriage. I have been divorced for 3 years after a 6 year marriage. We have navigated that baggage fairly well and still continue to do so.

 

He has two sons from his previous marriage that he has 50% of the time. We waited for a full year before I met them. As both of us agreed that kids should only meet partners if it is a significant doing.

All 4 of us get along really well. There is no tension, there is no weirdness and it's full understood that I am ME and not a mom replacement. No issues there. At all. We, Danny and I and/or the boys spend an average of 4-6 days a week together pending work and stuff like that. We do NOT live together.

 

ISSUE As we are in our second year, I have begun to wonder where we are going with our relationship. IF he considers me a long-term deal. I know it may appear as such and I know, I should just ask... but I feel like asking a lot and putting that kind of pressure on someone sort of feels like, well... pressure and I feel like at this point how we talk and plan should bely the fact that yes, or NO he doesn't see us as a long term couple.

 

He has a habit of when he projects ideas or plans, he speaks in the "I" voice what HE will do... it makes me feel very much like I am not in his plan of life. We have not discussed moving in and the couple of time it was brought up, we both agreed that it's a MAJOR commitment due to the kids. No issue there. Neither of us have talked about marriage at all. I know that neither of us is opposed to it but we haven't discussed it in relation to us. Now... I'm not super eager to get married but I do feel that if we were to move in together, it's such a huge deal with everyone involved, I would probably throw the idea of getting married out there.

EDITED TO ADD I find too that when he's SUPER busy and stressed out, he simply cannot think more than two minutes into the future AND cannot deal with more than one issue at a time so I would never foist anything as frou-frou on his plate as my feelings about the what ifs of our relationship, you know?

 

Because I see him as my partner. I see him as someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that he is the kind of person that I could be with. I have said so to him in not so many word and in many words. He is reluctant to give me that back. He WILL say, we are on the same page. And I DO have to interpret the fact that he and his children and I spend a lot of time together. They see us as a couple and they are happy with us. He also asked me to go with them on vacation this summer. I have met all of his family and he has met mine. He and his boys are a done deal for me and I am ready to commit and I am ready to move forward.

I don't feel like he is stringing me along at all but I wonder, at what point can I viably ask, do you see me as a life partner? Would I be willing to be someone that you can and would like to commit to?

 

This is a man that is SUPER busy with work and with raising kids and with life. He make a lot of time for us. I have zero complaints about him or us. I am a happy person, I have my own work and my own life and I am an independant feminist and he qualifies himself the same way.

But I would like to know... we had a conversation last night where he was hypothesizing that his work might take him away from where we life forever or for a while. Obviously with the kids, that wouldn't go well or at all. But the way he was talking, it felt so bad as it felt like I would just be left behind. and it broke my heart. I said that to him and he said of course we would discuss it together of course we would. and he categorized me as someone he was 'involved' with. it stung a bit. As at what point in being with someone are you part of their life? Their world? But sometimes when he talks about future things, it's me doing my thing, or him doing his thing, it's never WE. We life in separate apartments and sometimes he'll talk about when I renew my lease next year. It kind of makes me feel a little left out. Last night when we were talking he did say that I had every right to have something like that upset me and that my feelings were totally justified and mean, yeah of course they are, they're my feelings! But I just mean that he understood how that though could be painful.

 

I feel that at our ages, we both know very well what we are looking for and what we want. We've been together 2 really fabulous years and really? Our relationship is a thing of beauty and strength and only stands to get better, IMHO...

Maybe I'm the only one thinking this but I do tend to look at how he's dealing based on his actions... his actions tell me that he's on the same page. He would NEVER have his kids and I bond so hard if he was uncertain. I know this. But I suppose I'm just looking for him to let me know with his words that I am his person. That I am someone that he is and will be building a life with.

I know you'll all say, talk to him. We talk well together but there is a line where this kind of emotional talk gets to be too pressuring and too much and robs people of just being together, you know? It has to come from him too without my prodding....

So... I hope someone has a story for me. Some advice or anything because I deeply love this man and his children. I put a lot of effort into caring for all of them and we are a lovely group of people. I would hate to think i was just being silly.

 

 

Thank you.

tl;dr: On the same page? Is it time to move on or to chill out?

Edited April 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

You have been married before. How did you know you were on the same page with your EX (at least back when things were good)?

 

 

Have you spoke to Danny about your expectations & asked about his? That is really the best way to know. I see a lot of positives in here. His use of the word "I" as opposed to "we" should not be a deal breaker if everything else is good.

[TaraMaiden2]

Why don't you propose? It is a leap year, after all....

[jonsnowredux_76]

Hi there!

Ha! yes... good question... my ex was NOT very communicative and it was, for all intents and purposes, a bad match. It's a long story but we dated for years long distance and finally decided to get married to be together to figure it all out. And figure it out I did.

 

I agree with you... I don't necessarily think his usage of 'I' is a deal breaker at all. And my gut is telling me to heed his actions over what I want the words to sometimes be. I just feel so good with him and it's been a fair amount of time and we are so good.

I just don't want to pressure him, I feel t hat's rude as he's not done anything wrong and I feel loved and cared about. it's just me -- I'm ready to move forward...

[Papiyon]

Hi jonsnowredux_76

You’re thoughts and questions are valid. You’re not reaching or over thinking this at all. Truth is you have invested a lot of time in the relationship. I would be asking the same question. We all seek that reassurance of security and safety. Unfortunately, what I’m going to say you already know…Talk to him! I know you’re concerned about applying pressure but your BF seems very receptive. His actions are a depiction of how much he values you. Maybe his usage of “I” vs “We” is an indication of his past hurts and not a reflection of how he feels about you and your future together. Sounds like you have a good catch to me; he’s as invested as you are. Blessings on moving forward together!

[Versacehottie]

Hi jonsnowredux_76

You’re thoughts and questions are valid. You’re not reaching or over thinking this at all. Truth is you have invested a lot of time in the relationship. I would be asking the same question. We all seek that reassurance of security and safety. Unfortunately, what I’m going to say you already know…Talk to him! I know you’re concerned about applying pressure but your BF seems very receptive. His actions are a depiction of how much he values you. Maybe his usage of “I” vs “We” is an indication of his past hurts and not a reflection of how he feels about you and your future together. Sounds like you have a good catch to me; he’s as invested as you are. Blessings on moving forward together!

 

I would add that his use of "I" vs "we" is maybe just an unthinking slip, as some people are prone to do. For some that make slips like this, it means something and for some it doesn't mean anything. Based on your story, I think it means little to nothing.

 

I do think it's time to get clarity on his point of view of how he sees your future together. This is where you are and your feelings are just as valid. Don't be afraid that it will rock the boat. I think it sounds like he is on the same page but you definitely deserve an answer, if you ask the question. Good luck

[suzymil62]

Hi there, I hope you have heard the response, if it ain't broke don't fix it. It appears like you have a tremendous life and relationship with your boyfriend and his kids. It also sounds like nothing is wrong based on what you've said. From what I read, you're already in a long-term relationship as this has been over two years. If you, your boyfriend, and his kids are happy, then I would suggest you leave it alone.

 

You've already been through a lot to get into his kids lives that, again, sounds like he feels you are worthy as a long-term partner. Some of these feelings may be surfacing because of your insecurity from having a failed relationship/marriage before. I can understand that. I've had a divorce and I was really scared when I got into the next long-term relationship. You don't want to drive him away by continuing to ask him where he stands. Take the blessing you have and try not to think about that, live today. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Words mean much less than actions, and his actions tell me he considers you a long-term mate and loves you very much!

 

Good luck,

Suzy

[kidm]

Your relationship sounds like it is a great and healthy place but I think you have every right to ask him about future plans and whether he sees you in them. I don't see it as putting pressure on him at all. From what you have described, it sounds like he is all in. You just need to hear it from him that he sees you in the big picture for the long haul. Best wishes!

[jonsnowredux_76]

HI everyone!

I just wanted to say... thanks for all of your really great responses! You're all right! And I appreciate the feedback SO much...

I think I'll just chill and enjoy what we have because it's so super great.

Just an FYI? we accidentally had a chat last night about living together... I was reluctant to bring it up but he would not let me be vague. He said he loves me, this kids love me and he's just afraid as it's a HUGE commitment and he doesn't want anyone to be devastated if things don't work out.

Okay... I get that. I feel also, he'll get there. I told him that there no time line, no rush... I'm saying DO this, I wanted to merely talk about it which we did. And it was good. I feel like we are on the same page and I am happy to let him get comfortable with how he feels about it. It's a big deal as it's not just the two us... there are two very lovely children in the mix and we want to add to their lives, not break their hearts.

Thank you everyone... you're a group of nice people... I'll be back!

[lana-banana]

Are you sure you're on the same page? It doesn't sound like it:

 

Okay... I get that. I feel also, he'll get there. I told him that there no time line, no rush...

 

It sounds like you're in a holding pattern and just waiting for him to be ready. That's not being on the same page. If he hasn't even said the word "marriage" after two years then I think it's unlikely to come up---either because he was sufficiently scarred from his first divorce such that he doesn't want to get married ever again, or he just doesn't think this relationship is leading to marriage.

 

This doesn't sound like you're on the same page either:

 

I was reluctant to bring it up but he would not let me be vague. He said he loves me, this kids love me and he's just afraid as it's a HUGE commitment and he doesn't want anyone to be devastated if things don't work out...

 

Because I see him as my partner. I see him as someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that he is the kind of person that I could be with. I have said so to him in not so many word and in many words. He is reluctant to give me that back.

 

He loves you, but he doesn't want to commit to you more fully after two entire years. How long are you willing to wait for him to be "ready"? How much more fully can you invest in this relationship when he won't do the same? I'm not saying you guys are doomed, but it doesn't sound like you understand each other as well as you think.

[jonsnowredux_76]

Hi there...

It's not like I 100% disagree with you... all of the thoughts you have here are not so unlike the ones that I have going on in my head... and how knows... maybe you're right...

Each relationships is specific to the people embroiled in them... I don't feel, especially after our conversation last night, that he is in a holding pattern with me... I don't feel like he's thinking "it's not her I want to be with..." I feel like he loves me a lot, in a very significant kind of way... he's not biding his time with me... will be be able to move forward and do things like live together? WE'll see... that's the question now.

 

I am fine giving him more space and more time to get comfortable with the idea... I feel like he will. I know that he loves me and sees us as a partnership... he said yesterday that were it not for the kids he and I would have already taken a whole bunch of steps forward but I think letting things become really concrete and letting more time pass to build a solid unification for us and the kids is not such a bad idea.

 

after talking to him last night, I get that we're on the same page. I am sure that he's not just biding his time with me and wants a different relationship.

 

I am okay with time. Giving it. And we'll see.

[TaraMaiden2]

So in other words he's a commitment-phobe hanging a carrot in front of you....?

 

I'm sorry, it seems to me that you are moulding and conforming what you want, to appease him, because you're so scared of rocking the boat you think he'll tip you out without a lifebelt, rather than row it with you....

 

Why are you compromising what you want, to comply with his plan?

Doesn't even sound like a plan...

 

Or am I reading this wrong?

[jonsnowredux_76]

Can I just be honest and say i don't know? I don't feel like he's dangling a carrot in front of me at all. It's a big deal for him to be forging relationships between his two sons, myself and him... It's been 2 years. We've both been married before, we don't need to jump into it. I'm happy knowing that it's not out of the question and I'm happy knowing that we are doing this but there has to be some give and take, right? IT can't just be all about what I want or all about what he wants. No one has said no. No on has said I will not... I feel like we've just come to a good middle ground for the time being. I'm happy to see how we progress and if I feel like i need more or I do need a set plan, I feel more comfortable bringing it up.

 

I don't find it scary rocking the boat but I suppose I feel like the progression of things should be organic and without a lot of pushing and shoving. That's all.

[lana-banana]

Can I just be honest and say i don't know? I don't feel like he's dangling a carrot in front of me at all. It's a big deal for him to be forging relationships between his two sons, myself and him... It's been 2 years. We've both been married before, we don't need to jump into it. I'm happy knowing that it's not out of the question and I'm happy knowing that we are doing this but there has to be some give and take, right? IT can't just be all about what I want or all about what he wants. No one has said no. No on has said I will not... I feel like we've just come to a good middle ground for the time being. I'm happy to see how we progress and if I feel like i need more or I do need a set plan, I feel more comfortable bringing it up.

 

Honestly, this reads like you're trying to talk yourself into being comfortable with the situation when you really aren't. I'm not sure if he's deliberately dangling a carrot, but he hasn't said he has plans to marry you, or that he's even thinking of marrying you. The only future he's hinted at involves breaking up (he's thinking about "in case things go wrong", not "in case we get married"). I don't know, it just doesn't sound like envisions moving this relationship beyond where it is already. That would be fine if you felt the same way, but you don't.

 

I don't find it scary rocking the boat but I suppose I feel like the progression of things should be organic and without a lot of pushing and shoving. That's all.

 

I agree. But this doesn't seem organic. It looks like you're trying to find certainty and learn where you stand, and he won't commit to a future with you.

[Cinnamonstix]

I also get the feeling that you are lying to yourself a bit. I was actually surprised by the first few responses - they read your situation way more positively than I did. Don't get me wrong - your relationship sounds like it is healthy in a lot of ways, but it is missing elements of a truly solid relationship. Open communication and talking about the future are really important factors in a happy relationship. You need to know that you're working towards common goals (not just possibilities of those goals), with a "we're doing this", both feet in attitude. I think this is what you really want (who doesn't?), but you are settling for less. You are afraid to lose what you have and could have if you rock the boat. But what you're really missing out on is someone who is crazy about you and sure of your future together. At two years in, he should know that he never wants to let you go.

 

By going along with his non-committal stance, you are sending the message that you don't value yourself enough to stay true to what you want.

[jonsnowredux_76]

I like the way you said this, Cinnamonstix. I am actually NOT looking to get remarried per se, but yes, Both feet in and never wanting to let me go is exactly the phrase I think I need to feel the commitment toward.

Thank you. It's hard to read well what an someone on the internet says, you know?

[jonsnowredux_76]

I actually don't want to get married. Not a fan of that institution, really. Did it, did not like it. I would love for all of us to live together though and that's what i"m talking about when I say commitment. ; )

 

I like how cinnamonstix put it... It would be great for him to say that he is all in with no exception but... I am willing to give it more time. I'm willing to give it more room to progress. We have only been hanging out with him and his sons for a year and he does not have them full time... I don't think another 6 months to let things stretch and grow is a bad thing, especially since the dialogue has been started.

 

But lanabanana said something that haunts me, approaching it from the side of the negative, like if we break up, is something that really bothers me too — i'm fairly optimistic and I rarely, if ever, go that route.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm not trying to put a damper on things, but my ex-husband proposed after 6 months, and my now-husband knew under 2 weeks that he wanted in for good. that''s 12 years together, 5 married...

 

MY ex and I were in it for over 20 years; so it wasn't a knee-jerk decision. But then, we were both more sure of everything, more than anything else in the world.

 

I'm sorry, I have to agree with Cinnamonstix If he doesn't know now, after 2 years with you? Another 6 months won't advance anything in any noticeable sense.... WHat exactly is that wait for?

 

Guys know. They do, they just know.

I'm concerned that you're so intent on walking on eggshells; Personally, I believe you more than deserve both feet by now.....

[TaraMaiden2]

Just to add, I confirmed with my H, just now, how quickly he knew he wanted to be with me, after meeting me, and he actually said it was about a week...Then he added something interesting, considering he knew nothing of this thread, which prompted me to add it here.

 

He stated that he fell for me pretty quickly, but added that with his exes, it was a good 18 months - 2 years, before he decided what he wanted to do.

He said, and I quote, "... 2 years, that's the cut-off point, isn't it? 18 months, to 2 years... I mean, if a man doesn't know what he wants by then, he's on shaky ground.... it's a good yardstick, he should know by then, I think....

 

A man's opinion, without even knowing anything about the discussion.

[Cinnamonstix]

Just to add, I confirmed with my H, just now, how quickly he knew he wanted to be with me, after meeting me, and he actually said it was about a week...Then he added something interesting, considering he knew nothing of this thread, which prompted me to add it here.

 

He stated that he fell for me pretty quickly, but added that with his exes, it was a good 18 months - 2 years, before he decided what he wanted to do.

He said, and I quote, "... 2 years, that's the cut-off point, isn't it? 18 months, to 2 years... I mean, if a man doesn't know what he wants by then, he's on shaky ground.... it's a good yardstick, he should know by then, I think....

 

A man's opinion, without even knowing anything about the discussion.

 

After we met, my bf told his friend that he had met his dream woman. Since then, our dates just confirmed what he originally thought, and his actions and words leave no room for me to doubt how he feels. OP, you deserve someone who thinks you're it from the start, never leaves you guessing and makes you giddy about your future together.

[jonsnowredux_76]

Yeah... I hear you. Just kind of bummed reading this now. It gives me more than I wanted to think about. Thank you for your responses. : )

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm really sorry we all sound like 'Debbie Downers', but our intentions are honourable and sincere.

It sounds to me as if he wants "the full package" without having to 'pay' for it.

 

Like someone buying a state-of-the-art mobile phone, having all the added gizmos, apps and extras, but then saying "I got all these amazeballs benefits, but I'm not going to commit to signing the contract for having them...."

 

And the company replies, "ok, sure, take your time, to just have them, enjoy them, use them to your advantage and pleasure, but... you will pay up, some time.....right?"

 

"Yeah.... maybe....I don't know..... let me just keep them for a while longer.....I might....but it's so much fun right now....they're so handy..... and my kids love 'em.... do I have to give you a decision now?"

 

"No, sure.... just..... ya know..... enjoy...... maybe we'll come back to you in 6 months, see how things are then.... "

 

"OK, great! See ya in 6 months!"

 

*Sits in corner, having the time of his life, pushing buttons.....*

 

In the meantime, the company gets to give him all this 'fun' complete package, with.... what, exactly, in return?

 

It's called Risk and Reward.

A risk/reward ratio is a ratio used by many investors to compare the expected returns of an investment to the amount of risk undertaken to capture these returns.

 

 

The bottom line is this:

You have to honestly and brutally decide for yourself, whether your current 'Risk' is worth the Reward' you are getting. Right Now.

 

Is this what you want - now?

 

Does the prospect of having to invest further Risk - with no apparent guarantee of a significantly higher Reward, in 6 months time - still appeal to you?

[Arieswoman]

OP, Are you living together?

[TaraMaiden2]

Do you perhaps think it's possible that you might be wearing.... these....?

[TaraMaiden2]

OP, Are you living together?

No, Arieswoman, Don't think they do.... (Mega-snip follows....)

 

BACKGROUND Danny and I have been together for 2 years... it has been FABULOUS! .... Danny and I and/or the boys spend an average of 4-6 days a week together pending work and stuff like that. We do NOT live together.

 

ISSUE As we are in our second year, I have begun to wonder where we are going with our relationship.....I do feel that if we were to move in together, it's such a huge deal with everyone involved, I would probably throw the idea of getting married out there.

......

 

Which I think at this stage, may well be a blessing.....