Took her virginity, then she backs away!

[kMcK6y]

First time poster, hope a few of you can help me!

 

I've been dating a girl for about 3 weeks. Each date has been incredible - fun conversations, deep conversations, gazing into eachother's eyes, exchanging gifts, having great food and drink... and awesome chemistry. On the third date we started kissing, making out a lot.

 

On the most recent date, she came to my house (which isn't convenient for her to get to), we cooked dinner together (it was mainly her!), had wine, a great conversation, and then... made out more.

 

Following some more of this, she admitted to me that she had never had sex before. My mind was quite blown by this, as she is in her late twenties, quite attractive, and a wonderful personality. She went on to say that she had been conservative before but that she felt I was the right person for it to happen with.

 

So it happened! Physically and logistically, it was quite obvious she was telling the truth.. I was her first, and the overall experience, while not awe-inspiring, was pretty decent for a first time (not my first time).

 

But then it got weird.

 

I said she was welcome to stay over (I mean, we've just had sex so it's not like I had any further ulterior motives), but she refused and got a taxi home shortly after.

 

I also asked for her thoughts on us becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Her response was that she was 90% there but wanted to learn more about me to know for sure.

 

The following day, our normal flow of text conversation was a lot more stuttered. She made a comment that I must have been thinking about what I will do with her. I responded that it was simple enough - I wanted to spend more time with her. She went on to say that it's better to spend more time together before reaching a conclusion about whether to pursue a relationship.

 

I know I'm a guy, but I feel a bit... used... and led on.

 

If she was really telling the truth and I was her first, isn't that a big deal for her? Wouldn't it make her more likely to want to become more official rather than remain casual?

 

She previously said she really liked me and had been searching for someone like me for a long time... was the sex just that bad? Didn't seem like it to me... I've had quite a lot of practice in the past, and I think it went well!

 

I'm just very worried about getting my heart broken again - I had previously been in a very long relationship with another woman - we were engaged to be married and then she left me for another guy.

 

I've only been over that a short time and now I feel as if I've found this wonderful woman who I never thought I could come across, and she is toying with me a bit... any advice??

 

Thanks!

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm sorry - I think you need to point-blank ask her - is she unhappy about you having had sex with her?

Did she not enjoy the experience?

Is she troubled by anything that happened?

 

First of all, you didn't 'take' anything, unless she was withholding, and it was against her will. That obviously wasn't the case.

 

She gave you her virginity.

 

But she may be feeling uneasy about it, and hold the mental image or opinion that it should have been wonderful, mind-blowing and earth-shatteringly romantic and affectionate.

 

Many women feel this way.

It's virtually 100% certain that most women will not actually have such an experience.

In fact, you even admit -

...the overall experience, while not awe-inspiring, was pretty decent for a first time (not my first time).

If it wasn't awe-inspiring, but 'pretty decent', by your standards (and you've already had sex) imagine, as a first-time experience for her, how her expectations were met. Or, maybe not, as I suspect...

 

Giving her virginity away so much later than you expected, would indicate to me that this was something she had built up in her mind as deserving of a definite 'wow' factor.

 

You need to talk to her, ask her to be honest and tackle her misgivings in an understanding and empathetic way.

 

I'm not saying it was your fault. But I am saying, what seemed pretty decent to you, was a whole different ball-game in her mind.

 

This is why I suspect she's cooled off.

[Buddhist]

A couple of thoughts....

 

- Having sex with a woman for the first time does not guarantee she wants a relationship with you. Yes it's a possibility she did use you just to get it 'over with'. What? Men get used for sex? ....Nooooo!

 

- It's possible that she thought it was pretty awful, especially since she's got nothing to compare it to. Most women think it's going to feel a lot different than it actually does and get quite confused after having sex for the first time. It's a bit like...is that it? Seriously....WTF. Not realising that for sex to feel any good at all there's got to be more going on than just him sticking his end in. Sadly a lot of men are yet to realise this too.... Making out can feel so good that the sex part is a bit of a let down especially as it's unlikely she orgasmed. Could just be a case of her not understanding how to have sex herself and wondering why the good old P in V stuff is actually the least pleasurable part. It's pretty confusing actually.

 

- She could just need to back off go and have a chat to a few of your girlfriends to sort out why it didn't feel the way she thought it should and what to do about that as well. Strangely enough, having sex with a guy as your first time is not the best introduction to the subject for a female.

[salparadise]

I think she's likely to be emotionally constrained, fear of intimacy. I suspect that's how she came to be a virgin in her late 20s. Sleeping over after sex is wonderful and not a big deal... unless it's triggering your deep seated fears. I doubt that the sex was bad or that you did anything wrong. She's got her walls and this is all new to her. She's protecting her heart like you are, only in a sightly different way. It's anyone's guess as to how it will all play out, but I think you need to not push too hard. Be available and entice her to come to you.

[elaine567]

I think the phraseology here, i.e. "took her virginity" is a bit off and I am sure not appreciated by many women.

If you said this in front of her, then I can understand why she has shut you down.

 

Of course she may have just had a plan to lose her virginity, and you fitted the bill for the night, or there may be other countless reasons she has backed away - about and not about the sex.

Who knows?

Keep talking - she is maybe feeling embarrassed, feeling that you only asked her out as bf/gf because you felt sorry for her or that you felt obliged to do so, or that the sex was not awe inspiring as it was her fault... etc. etc.

YOU are sitting here blaming yourself, she is maybe sitting there blaming herself.

[sandylee1]

When you say pretty decent .....did she have an O? If she didn't....which a lot of women don't the first time. .. how was she immediately afterwards?

 

Sometimes when you've not been with anyone ... you hear people say how fantastic sex is... then when you get down to it.... it can seem overated.

 

I didn't have an O my very first time..but after that my BF made sure I did every time....that's when it felt mind blowing.

[Methodical]

Sounds like the lack of "awe-inspiring" has her questioning the experience so she's keeping her options open.

[kMcK6y]

OK, bad phraseology in the original post.

 

Without going into details, I'm sure most of you can envisage why it wasn't "awe-inspiring" - for a while at the start, it was not easy to get going... for obvious reasons I had to go quite slow. When the girl is a virgin in the truest sense, it's going to take a while before a rhythm is established!

 

After that it went a lot better and she was moaning a hell of a lot, so it did seem like she enjoyed it! I'd give it a 6/10 - mainly because in my previous relationship I had sex with that girl between 400-600 times and there were many definite 10's in that bunch. So mind blowing - no, but passionate and exciting, yes.

 

Maybe it is the sex. But she didn't/doesn't seem like the type to base everything on one experience, even if it wasn't great (and I don't believe it was THAT bad!).

 

I suppose I've been lulled into a false sense of security. Prior to the sex, she was saying lots about how much she liked me, how long she'd waited for someone like me... she even said previously that she doesn't believe in wasting time with people who aren't right.. so given:

 

- All she said

- The fact she was willing to give me her virginity (!)...

 

I could probably be forgiven for getting the strong impression that she thought I was special, different and had genuine long term potential.

 

Now I just feel used!

[Honourably honest]

Maybe her virginity was really really special to her and now it is gone, and a 6/10? If you had the momementum you can expect up and down bits. She'll come round, but this could also be the signs of someone who is wanting to get to know you a little bit more, prior to marriage, skipping the boyfriend girlfrind bit?

[kMcK6y]

P.S. No, neither for us achieved an O. I got the feeling right after that she was a little weirded out that I hadn't...

[TaraMaiden2]

OK, bad phraseology in the original post.

 

Without going into details, I'm sure most of you can envisage why it wasn't "awe-inspiring" - for a while at the start, it was not easy to get going... for obvious reasons I had to go quite slow. When the girl is a virgin in the truest sense, it's going to take a while before a rhythm is established!

 

After that it went a lot better and she was moaning a hell of a lot, so it did seem like she enjoyed it!

Sometimes, women moan because they're expected to....

 

I'd give it a 6/10 - mainly because in my previous relationship I had sex with that girl between 400-600 times and there were many definite 10's in that bunch. So mind blowing - no, but passionate and exciting, yes.

And what do you think she would give it, if asked? Seriously, it honestly sounds as if you are gauging the experience purely from your perspective....

 

Maybe it is the sex. But she didn't/doesn't seem like the type to base everything on one experience, even if it wasn't great (and I don't believe it was THAT bad!).

Well, you have the benefit of hindsight and comparisons. She doesn't. So maybe, in her naivete, she's not rating it much.

 

I suppose I've been lulled into a false sense of security. Prior to the sex, she was saying lots about how much she liked me, how long she'd waited for someone like me... she even said previously that she doesn't believe in wasting time with people who aren't right.. so given:

I don;t think she was deceiving you prior to the sex. I'm sure, prior to the sex, she meant every word she said.

Prior to the sex.

 

I could probably be forgiven for getting the strong impression that she thought I was special, different and had genuine long term potential.

That's 'Romance' for you.... I expect all the Princes in the Disney movies thought the same thing...

 

Now I just feel used!

Is there the remotest possibility that she feels the same way? After all, your focus seems to be more on how it made you feel, and what your opinion of the experience was, for you.... You haven't actually conceded any point on how, having given you her virginity, she MIGHT be feeling about that.....That, to me, seems a little selfish....

[Jabron1]

For the love of god, spin more plates. Get more options. See more women. You really need to spread your wings, mate. Don't go all in on this one bird.

 

How on earth is sex where you didn't cum a 6/10?

 

She left after, and you felt upset?

 

You feel used?

 

Brain meltdown.

[losangelena]

My experience is quite similar to this woman. I didn't have sex until I was 33 (was very religious before, also terrified of men), but unlike her, I didn't necessarily plan to have it, and I did not tell the guy beforehand.

 

Afterward, I felt weird. The sex was fine; I didn't have anything to compare it to, but I was very surprised at myself for having done it. I had always expected that I'd wait to have it in the confines of a committed relationship, but here I was, on a second date, having sex with a guy I barely knew. I freaked. That incident shifted my whole paradigm.

 

When the guy circled back around, I dodged him. I felt bad for leaving him hanging (I still feel bad about it; definitely not my proudest moment), but I was just so shocked at what I'd done, I was embarrassed, I didn't know how to handle myself. It didn't have anything to do with the guy. He was fine, nice enough, and the quality of the sex didn't factor in my mind at all.

 

I don't know if this is what's happening in your situation, but my bet is that something's going on internally for her.

[No_Go]

Being her first ... is really not a big deal, trust me on that.

 

It reminded me my own experience - I was in my late 20s, a guy pursued me, I liked him enough and though it's time to see what sex is like:) He was also my 1st kiss. However - this never led to bonding. We broke up in a month, came back together a few times in the next 1.5 years, but it was more like FWB. He was an awesome funny guy, just not for me.

 

In short sex, first time or not, is not a big deal. It can amplify things a bit, but not create a relationship. I think men should've educated about this because I've heard it from many guys (how the first time for a woman is 'a big deal')...

 

First time poster, hope a few of you can help me!

 

I've been dating a girl for about 3 weeks. Each date has been incredible - fun conversations, deep conversations, gazing into eachother's eyes, exchanging gifts, having great food and drink... and awesome chemistry. On the third date we started kissing, making out a lot.

 

On the most recent date, she came to my house (which isn't convenient for her to get to), we cooked dinner together (it was mainly her!), had wine, a great conversation, and then... made out more.

 

Following some more of this, she admitted to me that she had never had sex before. My mind was quite blown by this, as she is in her late twenties, quite attractive, and a wonderful personality. She went on to say that she had been conservative before but that she felt I was the right person for it to happen with.

 

So it happened! Physically and logistically, it was quite obvious she was telling the truth.. I was her first, and the overall experience, while not awe-inspiring, was pretty decent for a first time (not my first time).

 

But then it got weird.

 

I said she was welcome to stay over (I mean, we've just had sex so it's not like I had any further ulterior motives), but she refused and got a taxi home shortly after.

 

I also asked for her thoughts on us becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Her response was that she was 90% there but wanted to learn more about me to know for sure.

 

The following day, our normal flow of text conversation was a lot more stuttered. She made a comment that I must have been thinking about what I will do with her. I responded that it was simple enough - I wanted to spend more time with her. She went on to say that it's better to spend more time together before reaching a conclusion about whether to pursue a relationship.

 

I know I'm a guy, but I feel a bit... used... and led on.

 

If she was really telling the truth and I was her first, isn't that a big deal for her? Wouldn't it make her more likely to want to become more official rather than remain casual?

 

She previously said she really liked me and had been searching for someone like me for a long time... was the sex just that bad? Didn't seem like it to me... I've had quite a lot of practice in the past, and I think it went well!

 

I'm just very worried about getting my heart broken again - I had previously been in a very long relationship with another woman - we were engaged to be married and then she left me for another guy.

 

I've only been over that a short time and now I feel as if I've found this wonderful woman who I never thought I could come across, and she is toying with me a bit... any advice??

 

Thanks!

[BlueIris]

... I also asked for her thoughts on us becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Her response was that she was 90% there but wanted to learn more about me to know for sure.

The following day, our normal flow of text conversation was a lot more stuttered. She made a comment that I must have been thinking about what I will do with her. I responded that it was simple enough - I wanted to spend more time with her. She went on to say that it's better to spend more time together before reaching a conclusion about whether to pursue a relationship. ...

 

Many people don’t decide after only 3 weeks. LOTS of people- men and women, virgin or not- take time to decide and having sex doesn't necessarily guarantee a relationship, commitment to exclusivity. Maybe you’re making it about the sex more than she is?

[kMcK6y]

Perhaps I am looking at it in the wrong way. Or perhaps the sex was awful. Perhaps I was too over-confident, as I consistently gave my ex-girlfriend orgasms and felt like I was experienced in that regard.

 

I have been thinking about her - I have checked in on how she is and invited her to talk to me about anything if she wants to.

 

I suppose what has just shocked me is the speed at which things have changed. Prior to this, the flow was excellent - regular dates and playful banter by text in between. Since the night it happened, that has pretty much ceased! She mentioned about meeting up again this coming week, but it hasn't come up again.

 

I can't help but think she was disappointed by the physical experience. I've tried to be as understanding of her needs as possible. I haven't pushed anything with her (hence posting on here), offered her to stay, cuddled and hugged her afterwards, reassured her in person and by text... so while I'm sure I haven't been perfect in the situation, I have tried to be as good as possible, anticipating that it was a big deal for her.

 

What hurts is that I really like(d) her. I have been in quite a lot of relationships before, been on a lot of dates (I'm in my early 30's) and I can truly say that the connection between myself and this woman was the most promising I had come across - the number of things we have in common, our spark, chemistry, flow of conversation, common values. Yes 3 weeks is very early but I keep going back to what she said to me on the first date: "I don't think either of us are at the age where we can waste time on the wrong person". When that is followed up by a series of dates, and her giving up her virginity, one tends to start thinking that she sees me as being the opposite of a waste of time...

[Versacehottie]

For the love of god, spin more plates. Get more options. See more women. You really need to spread your wings, mate. Don't go all in on this one bird.

 

How on earth is sex where you didn't cum a 6/10?

 

She left after, and you felt upset?

 

You feel used?

 

Brain meltdown.

 

this is one of the funniest posts i've ever read on here. good one.

[kMcK6y]

How should I approach it from now?

 

- Be direct?

- Play it cool?

- Some balance?

[salparadise]

How should I approach it from now?

 

- Be direct?

- Play it cool?

- Some balance?

 

I'd say (guessing) that you should pursue gently and persistently until she either comes around or makes it clear that she's heading for the exit. Ask her out again as soon as possible and try to pick up where you left off. Communicate. Maybe she will tell you what she's thinking/feeling. You might be focusing too much on the sex/virginity theme. That may not be the tipping point at all, and even if it is there's not too much you can do about whatever tune she's playing in her head.

[Versacehottie]

How should I approach it from now?

 

- Be direct?

- Play it cool?

- Some balance?

 

I wouldn't keep asking her to talk about it and sounding apologetic. I know that goes against conventional communication wisdom but I think it could be what is killing the spark for her. It's probably very complex for her because she was a virgin. Could be a combo of things; also sounds like she has walls up that have nothing to do with you. I think she needs to process stuff and if you play it cool like things are normal and progressing forward is the best. If she wants to talk about things, then be honest and direct. All of this is the most confident and thus most attractive way to deal with things, IMO. Good luck.

[Jabron1]

Perhaps I am looking at it in the wrong way.

 

Mate, you've got everything arse-backwards.

 

I'm being cool with you too. I'm not being 'mean' or anything. I'm just struggling with what to address here.

 

I think the ultimate problem, and the root of everything, is that you are just focusing all of your 'powers' on this one girl.

 

She's a virgin in her late 20s, mate. She's got issues. She probably expected to get laid on a rainbow, whilst a unicorn flew overhead singing lovesongs. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

You need to see more than just one woman, badly.

 

this is one of the funniest posts i've ever read on here. good one.

 

People keep saying that, in real life and on here, and I'm not trying to be funny

 

But, I'm glad to make others happy

 

How should I approach it from now?

 

- Be direct?

- Play it cool?

- Some balance?

 

From here, you stop with the silly behaviour. You know what I'm talking about.

 

You play it cool alright, but you need to stop with the needy stuff.

 

She doesn't want to be exclusive? Fair enough! Start spreading your wings.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Ummmmm...how cum you didn't cum? Sorry I have to ask but I tend to be Mr Direct, just get straight to the heart of the matter.

 

 

Was it like a really awkward experience that took the thrill away and caused a case of stressor's droop?

 

 

Sorry, I'm not meaning to be personal...just, if it WAS awkward, maybe it's why she feels odd about everything?

[kMcK6y]

Haha, alright, I'll go into more detail then...

 

Before we got started, she insisted that we keep the lights off.

 

When we got naked, I could feel that she had a nice body, but I couldn't see it, and like many males, I'm a very visual person who gets off on seeing a woman's face and body when in the act...

 

Additionally, for the first few minutes, it was very restrictive down there. I'd never slept with a virgin before, so I can only presume that I was gradually breaking her hymen...

 

Even after that freed up, it was extremely tight, and so I was quite restricted in terms of the speed and depth at which I could move (hence the average-below average sex score).

 

Later, she got on top, and due to the extreme tightness, after a few minutes I went soft... so there you go!

 

Starting to make sense yet?

[RedPurpleOrange]

Thanks for being so candid. I'm sure many were thinking the same as I.

 

 

(Don't worry, we've all gone soft before at some point....it's never fun).

 

 

But...yes...AWKWARD.

 

 

So...maybe it's to do with that?

[RedPurpleOrange]

(I like the lights on, too).