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Finally found a good guy...but am not physically attracted to him


Eternal Sunshine

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Eternal Sunshine

I finally met a guy that is consistent, doesn't lie, puts in the effort into dates, doesn't rush into sex and is intelligent with a good job.

 

He is also objectively decent looking...probably average but that doesn't bother me as I have been attracted to objectively worse looking guys.

 

We have been dating for a month and I have never felt the attraction. I can tell that he is attracted to me and is always touching me...but even holding hands and him putting an arm around me makes me feel like pulling away.

 

It sucks as I am normally very affectionate and it doesn't take that much for me to be physically attracted. And I actually enjoy spending time and talking to him.

 

Should I give it more time?

 

I have already agreed to be exclusive and am not seeing others. I always thought that finding a personality click is so much more important than the physical.

 

I mean in the LTR the attraction would fade anyway..? For women that ended up in LTRs with men without much physical attraction, do you have any tips on how to be happy in this situation?

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I finally met a guy that is consistent, doesn't lie, puts in the effort into dates, doesn't rush into sex and is intelligent with a good job.

 

He is also objectively decent looking...probably average but that doesn't bother me as I have been attracted to objectively worse looking guys.

 

We have been dating for a month and I have never felt the attraction. I can tell that he is attracted to me and is always touching me...but even holding hands and him putting an arm around me makes me feel like pulling away.

 

It sucks as I am normally very affectionate and it doesn't take that much for me to be physically attracted. And I actually enjoy spending time and talking to him.

 

Should I give it more time?

 

I have already agreed to be exclusive and am not seeing others. I always thought that finding a personality click is so much more important than the physical.

 

I mean in the LTR the attraction would fade anyway..? For women that ended up in LTRs with men without much physical attraction, do you have any tips on how to be happy in this situation?

 

 

Wow! That would be hard. I would want a chick to be attracted to me.

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For some reason, there's this misconception that women don't or shouldn't care about a man's appearance in the context of a romantic relationship. Seems dumb. Why shouldn't a woman's physical attraction to a man be a factor in whether or not she dates him?

 

Some people are great on paper, but just don't "do it" for someone. There's no shame in that.

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Shining One

I think you should end it. You deserve to be with someone you find physically appealing and he deserves to be with someone who finds him physically appealing.

Edited by Shining One
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Maybe he needs to just kiss you!

 

I have a friend who dated a guy she was not physically attracted to at first.

 

But she really liked him so kept dating him.

 

Then he kissed her and according to her .....WOW!

 

Sparks started flying....now they are married!

 

Sounds crazy to some but often times we don't know how we truly feel until a guy kisses us.

 

It's like we need that kiss to awaken something in us that has been lying dormant.

 

Just a thought. But I say continue dating him and see how you feel after he kisses you.

 

If after the kiss, you still feel the same, then move on.

 

Let us know!

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We have been dating for a month and I have never felt the attraction. I can tell that he is attracted to me and is always touching me...but even holding hands and him putting an arm around me makes me feel like pulling away.

 

 

I think you need to contact him as soon as you can and let him know it was nice getting to know but that you aren't feeling the romantic connection and don't wish to pursue things further. I would imagine you've been on 4-5 dates with this guy and if after that time you have little desire for physical contact, even so much as holding hands, that's a bad sign.

 

You know the feeling when you "like" someone. It's that feeling when you'd be willing to do the most mundane thing with them, just in order to hang out with them.

 

If you stay with him, not attracted to him, eventually you will find someone who does get your juices flowing and it will be a much more difficult situation.

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I wasn't physically attracted to one of the guys I dated at first, but I did like holding hands and having his arm around me. He treated me so well that I eventually saw past that and fell in love with him.

 

You might want to kiss him like Katie says and see if you feel anything, but if not, move on. Its not fair to him or you.

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I wasn't physically attracted to one of the guys I dated at first, but I did like holding hands and having his arm around me. He treated me so well that I eventually saw past that and fell in love with him.

 

You might want to kiss him like Katie says and see if you feel anything, but if not, move on. Its not fair to him or you.

 

IMO HE needs to kiss her. Passionately.

 

Or she could kiss him but since at the moment SHE isn't feeling it, that may be a bit of a leap.

 

I am wondering though ES why has he not tried to kiss you? Or has he?

 

I mean you said you can tell HE is attracted to you, so hmmmm.

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LookAtThisPOst
IMO HE needs to kiss her. Passionately.

 

Or she could kiss him but since at the moment SHE isn't feeling it, that may be a bit of a leap.

 

I am wondering though ES why has he not tried to kiss you? Or has he?

 

I mean you said you can tell HE is attracted to you, so hmmmm.

 

Nope...she can't stand the man even touching her, so why even waste time trying to kiss her? Sounds like she's repulsed by his touch.

 

Trying to kiss her would just aggravate the situation.

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Nope...she can't stand the man even touching her, so why even waste time trying to kiss her? Sounds like she's repulsed by his touch.

 

Trying to kiss her would just aggravate the situation.

 

I dunno it happened to my friend who is now married to the guy. And to sunshine.

 

So it IS possible.

 

But I am wondering now if he is attracted to her.

 

Something sounds very off, so you are probably right.

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Really, unless he excites you, the relationship is doomed. True, the magic fades a bit after a while, but there should always be that tingle.

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LoveRefreshed

I think there's a few different opinions being pontificated about appearance considerations and societal expectations, but I think they missed OPs point.

 

Objectively, he's an average dude and she's dated less attractive dudes who she felt better with. To me, it's not about this guys appearance or OP being/not being shallow. It has to do with body language and expression. You guys don't have that same flow together, I totally understand. I doubt it will change very much. I always have that fiery kinda connection with women, so I don't have any tips for you on how to work it out. Maybe don't?

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soph-walker

I'm sorry if I've not picked up on this, but have you both kissed yet?!

 

It may be all in the kiss so if you haven't already, I'd kiss him!

 

What is it that you don't find attractive, is it the overall package or a certain element to the way he is?

 

Physical attraction can wax and wane, remember that physical passion can die a death..but on balance, I'd say as long as you fancy him on the most base level it can often build from there once you've gotten a little physical with each other.

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Let me add something to my statement. It is possible--it has happened--that someone you may not be initially attracted to eventually grows on you.

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PrettyEmily77

The problem when you try and force something so crucial as physical attraction when it isn't there because the other stuff match is that when you realize that one or more of the other stuff doesn't in fact match (and it invariably does, with time), you remember that you don't actually find them attractive and the downward spiral starts.

 

Physical attraction, whatever the guy actually looks like, is just as important as the rest; not more, but certainly not less, especially if you're looking at a LTR.

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fitnessfan365

This is something both sexes go through. There's a tendency to meet someone who turns you on, but there's no deep connection. Or you meet someone that you get along with really well, but they don't push your buttons. It's hard to find someone that can do both.

 

However, I will say that I feel BOTH are equally important and that should be the ultimate goal. Why force yourself to try and become attracted because of a good personality? I know they say that looks and sex fade in relationships. But I think this is a sad mindset to have. What I want is to have a wife that I'd still want to have my way with in the bathroom stall of a fancy restaurant on our tenth wedding anniversary. ;)

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hippychick3

It's very unlikely that after a month of no attraction and wanting to pull away when he touches you that your desire for him will change.

 

I met many guys like that when I was dating...I tried SO hard to make a spark and find one. I would constantly Google how to make myself attracted to a great guy. It doesn't work. I was in a long marriage with someone who I wasn't very attracted to. It may improve somewhat but will never be at the level it should be at to have a solid, healthy relationship. I ended it with each of those guys about a month or 2 into the relationship. I felt they deserved someone who was into them as much as they were into me.

 

You want your partner to be your friend AND your lover.

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LookAtThisPOst
I was in a long marriage with someone who I wasn't very attracted to.

 

I had but recently come across women that had admitted this. I was actually turned down by a woman because I reminded her of her ex-husband (who she had a kid with by the way) that she wasn't attracted to during the course of their marriage.

 

I kind of don't buy it when they say this as the actual reason, being how she had a kid by him and all. *Shrug* go figure...but I guess some try to take it as far as going down the isle, regardless of her being physically unattracted?

 

Reason I have a hard time buying it is because how come they married them if they weren't attracted?

 

I guess the honeymoon night must've sucked for him? If they were sexually active prior to even marrying (during engagement?)...was she attempting to suppress her gag reflex each session?

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That happened to me and my BF. If he haven't kissed me on our first date, there wouldn't be a second one ... But I felt very strong chemistry with this first kiss.

 

I've in the meanwhile passed on a very good smart compatible guy... In retrospect the reason was he never broke the physical barrier (we had 4 dates, then I told him we'll be friends and we met a few times more but I could sense he still wanted more than friendship). Anyway, I just never got attracted because he didn't bring it to romantic level.

 

No chemistry I think is a deal breaker unless both are ok with platonic relationship.

 

Maybe he needs to just kiss you!

 

I have a friend who dated a guy she was not physically attracted to at first.

 

But she really liked him so kept dating him.

 

Then he kissed her and according to her .....WOW!

 

Sparks started flying....now they are married!

 

Sounds crazy to some but often times we don't know how we truly feel until a guy kisses us.

 

It's like we need that kiss to awaken something in us that has been lying dormant.

 

Just a thought. But I say continue dating him and see how you feel after he kisses you.

 

If after the kiss, you still feel the same, then move on.

 

Let us know!

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losangelena
We have been dating for a month and I have never felt the attraction. I can tell that he is attracted to me and is always touching me...but even holding hands and him putting an arm around me makes me feel like pulling away.

 

This is a problem. I can understand if the physical attraction doesn't come straight away, but if you feel like you don't want him to touch you, that's a pretty significant barrier.

 

I have already agreed to be exclusive and am not seeing others. I always thought that finding a personality click is so much more important than the physical.

 

I agree that personality and values are more important than someone's physical characteristics, but I think being attracted both mentally and physically are equally important. They should turn you on. I don't know of anyone who'd feel comfortable with the notion that their SO is not attracted to them. Does that mean they must be "attractive?" No, of course not.

 

I mean in the LTR the attraction would fade anyway..? For women that ended up in LTRs with men without much physical attraction, do you have any tips on how to be happy in this situation?

 

Looks fade, yes of course, but attraction shouldn't, ideally.

 

I don't think women in those kinds of relationships ARE happy. Or maybe they are, but they don't look to their relationship for happiness. Do you really want to be in that kind of situation just so you can say you're in a relationship? I would rather be single than have a relationship with someone to whom I'm not attracted. That would be doing both me and him a disservice. How awful for a man to feel like his woman doesn't want him to touch her. In my dating experience, my attraction to my partner has always been very important TO THEM.

 

Should I give it more time?

 

I don't think so. A month is enough time, especially if you're feeling repulsed by his touch. If you were receptive to it, or just "behind" on the attraction factor, that's one thing, but it doesn't seem like you have a shred of it for this guy.

 

There's nothing wrong with that, by the way. You're not bad for not finding him attractive and forcing yourself to date him.

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Didn't you make a thread exactly like this before? About finding the right guy, but not being physically attracted to him. Pretty sure you did. I thought somehow an old thread was bumped. What happened with that guy?

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We have been dating for a month and I have never felt the attraction. I can tell that he is attracted to me and is always touching me...but even holding hands and him putting an arm around me makes me feel like pulling away.

 

Sounds like you're actually kinda repulsed by him ....no coming back from that IMO.

 

Better to blow him out now than when he's 6 months or whatever more invested and you realize you can't tolerate it anymore.

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Maybe he needs to just kiss you!

 

I have a friend who dated a guy she was not physically attracted to at first.

 

But she really liked him so kept dating him.

 

Then he kissed her and according to her .....WOW!

 

Sparks started flying....now they are married!

 

Sounds crazy to some but often times we don't know how we truly feel until a guy kisses us.

 

It's like we need that kiss to awaken something in us that has been lying dormant.

 

Just a thought. But I say continue dating him and see how you feel after he kisses you.

 

If after the kiss, you still feel the same, then move on.

 

Let us know!

 

Agree. I'm not into PDA and to be honest if I'm not already sleeping with the guy, I'd feel pulling away.

 

So many times I'm not sure how much I'll like him naked, then we start kissing and whoa, I'm hooked. If I like the guy and he is fun, I give it a go.

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Women bond emotionally with a man after sex. While we all are emotional human beings, but women get attached more after sex ( I'm a guy. Have read around on net :o ).

If you are not physically attracted to him , no point in pursuing it any further.It will make your ' relationship ' unfulfilled , both him and you.It will spread into every other aspect and ruin it. Even if you are not boinking every waking minute but the desire should be there.

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