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Am I a catfish?


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I am male 36 years old. So I am on a online dating site, using my own profile with 5 pictures that are truly me from 3 years ago.

I met a couple women and chatted with them, they like me and now one of them wants to Skype and see me while the other wants to meet me in person. I refused as I told them its too early for that, but the truth is I have a very low self esteem and am very uncertain of my looks. Also I am scarred ****less to meet because I am afraid they will be disappointed in me when we meet face to face.

 

 

Now I want to continue chatting with them and I like how they are beginning to feel romantically towards me but I don't intend to meet them anytime soon. I hope I will be able to raise my courage someday, but to be honest I don't think it will.

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soph-walker

You're not a catfish, you're suffering from low self esteem.

 

If someone doesn't take you for who you are, they are not worthy of your time.

 

With online dating, I would advise however that your pics are a true representation of what you look like. I would also advise against chatting unless you're planning on meeting someone.

 

Wishing you luck.

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If you are not planning on meeting - face-to-face and in real life - any time soon, what is your point of being on an online dating site? To find a virtual pen-pal? To talk sexy over the phone to someone without having to pay the $3.99/minute charge?

 

I mean it's fine if your purpose is anything but meeting them (or anyone), but then you should be upfront with these women about it in your first message with them and especially in your profile.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP.

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You are not a catfish. However, you are being dishonest and leading them on when you have no intention of meeting. I can understand having low self esteem but this is something you should work on by yourself or in therapy, rather than using real people with real emotions as a crutch to feel better about yourself.

 

At the very least, you should state upfront what you are looking for in your profile. I'm sure you will be able to meet like-minded individuals and have an online only relationship.

 

ETA: mrldii beat me to it. Agree completely.

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I am male 36 years old. So I am on a online dating site, using my own profile with 5 pictures that are truly me from 3 years ago.

I met a couple women and chatted with them, they like me and now one of them wants to Skype and see me while the other wants to meet me in person. I refused as I told them its too early for that, but the truth is I have a very low self esteem and am very uncertain of my looks. Also I am scarred ****less to meet because I am afraid they will be disappointed in me when we meet face to face.

 

 

Now I want to continue chatting with them and I like how they are beginning to feel romantically towards me but I don't intend to meet them anytime soon. I hope I will be able to raise my courage someday, but to be honest I don't think it will.

 

The one thing that I love about being in my mid-50's is that there really is no more pretense. That quest for perfection is so long over. What is more important to me is the heart of the person and how well they look after their health--physical, emotional and mental.

 

I would certainly see you as a catfish because what you are doing is basic catfish behavior--it doesn't matter what your reasons are--it is how romance scammers operate.

 

One thing is for certain: you are not going to be able to maintain their interest for long if all you want to do is be electronic pen pals--unless they, too, are highly insecure about their looks and feel they have nothing worthwhile to offer anyone other than their looks. Not a lot of people go on dating sites looking for pen pals unless they're married or otherwise involved in a relationship.

 

They may chat for a fortnight or so, but some time very soon, they're going to insist upon meeting you because one of their friends is going to point out to them that your reluctance to meet them in person is sketchy--and that you probably are in an internet cafe in Accra, Ghana.

 

You need to make it explicitly clear in your profile that you have no intention on meeting anyone--you just want to talk to someone, which is basically what you wrote above. The women you're talking to, without knowing what your true intentions are, are thinking that a romance is blossoming---but you can't have a romantic relationship without seeing them in person.

 

Don't be deceitful--tell them exactly what your intentions are because otherwise, you're emotionally manipulating them if you're allowing them to enter romantic talking territory when you have absolutely no intention on going there in person.

Edited by kendahke
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Why aren't you posting current pics from this month or a month ago? I understand your low self esteem, but if you really want to gauge a woman's true response then post current pics of yourself.

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If you are not planning on meeting - face-to-face and in real life - any time soon, what is your point of being on an online dating site? To find a virtual pen-pal? To talk sexy over the phone to someone without having to pay the $3.99/minute charge?

 

I mean it's fine if your purpose is anything but meeting them (or anyone), but then you should be upfront with these women about it in your first message with them and especially in your profile.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP.

 

No no, deep in me I really want to meet them, and I hope I will, but I just feel as if I'm being jammed. I am trying to gather enough strength to meet them. It is such a scary thought to meet them, I am afraid they will reject me leaving me heart broken.

 

Why aren't you posting current pics from this month or a month ago? I understand your low self esteem, but if you really want to gauge a woman's true response then post current pics of yourself.

 

I look better in those older pictures, and 3 years is not so much I think.

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If you're a good person your looks don't matter. However because of your massive insecurity towards your outsides you're damaged on the inside, which means you won't score points on either physical or psychological attraction. On the other side something keeps them intrigued on chat, but that would crumble in a real life meeting. You already know this which is why you hold back.

 

What has to change here? The way you objectively look or the way you subjectively look at yourself? Because you don't have to search far to realize you can look like an octopus who's been through a meat grinder and still attract.

 

Anyways, you're not a catfish. Your actions aren't deliberate enough, but you should stop wasting their time. Either you take a leap of faith and go for it or you stop wasting their time and ultimately disappointing them.

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...It is such a scary thought to meet them, I am afraid they will reject me leaving me heart broken....

 

 

All the more reason to NOT spend a lot of time chatting via text and phone; once you realize there's a mutual interest, arrange a meeting.

 

Why get [overly] emotionally invested in/emotionally attached to someone you haven't even met in real life, yet?

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I am male 36 years old. So I am on a online dating site, using my own profile with 5 pictures that are truly me from 3 years ago.

I met a couple women and chatted with them, they like me and now one of them wants to Skype and see me while the other wants to meet me in person. I refused as I told them its too early for that, but the truth is I have a very low self esteem and am very uncertain of my looks. Also I am scarred ****less to meet because I am afraid they will be disappointed in me when we meet face to face.

 

 

Now I want to continue chatting with them and I like how they are beginning to feel romantically towards me but I don't intend to meet them anytime soon. I hope I will be able to raise my courage someday, but to be honest I don't think it will.

 

Yes, you are are catfish. This is exactly what a catfish is... someone who wants to get involved and chat but never intends to meet in person.

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Yes, you are are catfish. This is exactly what a catfish is... someone who wants to get involved and chat but never intends to meet in person.

 

I did not say "never" and I do wish to meet them and have a physical relationship, only problem is I need to take my time and be sure they will like me first to minimize the chance of being rejected.

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Perhaps I am taking this way to serious, as if life and death situation. Perhaps if I look at it as a game or even a date training I could get myself out that door.

But I could get traumatized by her rejection nonetheless.

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I did not say "never" and I do wish to meet them and have a physical relationship, only problem is I need to take my time and be sure they will like me first to minimize the chance of being rejected.

 

Well, they always say that....

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Versacehottie

I wouldn't say you are catfishing them because that would be misrepresenting WHO you actually are. But you are misrepresenting your intention (in your case, to meet or meet any time soon) and showing photos that aren't how you currently look. I think in the online dating world while this is one of the more unique ways to mislead people with not really intending to meet or meet soon; lots of people mislead--photos being a common one. However, it still doesn't make it ok. And BTW, i think you are feeding your fears with this strategy rather than making things better. Show current and accurate pictures and WHEN you do meet, it will be less likely that some dumps you because she doesn't like how you look or doesn't think you look like your pictures. Also by building things up over such a length of time, you are more and more invested which will leave you in a greater position to be hurt upon first meeting. There really is no guarantee that what seems one way in the virtual world, ie a budding relationship, will be that way and have same spark once you meet.

 

I think you need to build confidence in whatever ways that work for you without involving other people who innocently believe that your intention is pure. For example, if small, inconsequential interactions with strangers you meet out and about, builds your confidence that's better because you are not implying anything else. Go to therapy, whatever. But don't lead someone on. Also let me state the obvious: a girl that is worth dating probably is going to see through some portion of this b.s. and/or be so frustrated by you, it will fizzle before it has begun. I think only an unstable or desperate person would go through the tests you want to put on them and your insecurities. Good luck. First step is that you realize this is an issue. Take the advice you are getting here.

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I did not say "never" and I do wish to meet them and have a physical relationship, only problem is I need to take my time and be sure they will like me first to minimize the chance of being rejected.

 

Imagine how worse it would be though if they like you via texting, and you like them, develop a connection .... then meet you and there is no physical chemistry! Or physical attraction.

 

Rejection!

 

Do you know how often this happens?

 

All the time!!!

 

To super good looking people too.

 

There is no way to know for sure if someone likes you until you meet IN PERSON.

Edited by katiegrl
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Imagine how worse it would be though if they like you via texting, and you like them, develop a connection .... then meet you and there is no physical chemistry! Or physical attraction.

 

Rejection!

 

Do you know how often this happens?

 

All the time!!!

 

To super good looking people too.

 

There is no way to know for sure if someone likes you until you meet IN PERSON.

 

I'd almost go so far as saying that the longer you drag out meeting people, the more likely it is things will not work out. People get all these ideas in their heads that have little chance of matching reality.

 

Spend the minimum amount of time chatting to weed out obviously inappropriate matches, then meet up and see if there is anything or not.

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Uh, out of curiosity, how many of these women have you met up with?

 

If the answer is "zero" then maybe you're looking for "platonic" relationships? If you are, just put that on your profile. Craigslist also literally has a "platonic" section.

 

I understand the fear of rejection, but at what point are you gonna meet up with someone. How long do you need to chat with them to figure out if they're into you? Also, putting up fake pics already is setting you up for failure cuz even "if" they get to know "you", when your pics don't match up with who you are in real life, all of the stuff they got to know and/or like about you is gonna go through the window cuz you were not honest about what you looked like.

 

IMO, online dating is hard cuz yes, it's hard to get a "spark" just by looking at some pictures and a profile. Of men I've met in real life, many of them, if I would have seen an online profile for them I may have "passed" on them.

 

Maybe you oughta try getting offline and meeting people in real life. Try meet-ups, hobbies, gym classes, volunteering. That way you already are starting off on a good foot (something in common like a like for chess), and as they get to know you, chemistry will develop and they already know what you look like so if they "do" develop something with you, it'll be genuine.

 

IMO, women are less forgiving of looks if they do connect with you and/or you do something for them. So, maybe getting from behind the computer and meeting women in real life may be something you want to try out.

 

Oh, and IMO, you're not a catfish. A catfish creates a whole new persona who has "nothing" to do with who they are in real life. I mean, they'll use other people's photos, info, etc. - not old pics of themselves and/or chatter about themselves.

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So, out of curiosity, how do you see this playing out? 46 years old, still posting old pictures, and trying to avoid meeting in person? If that's not the desired destination, what do you plan to change about your MO?

 

Have you ever been in a relationship? Dated? Is it possible you're afraid of emotional intimacy and being in a relationship?

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Versacehottie

I'm wondering if you are getting EXACTLY what you want and believe you are capable of handling? Pseudo relationships that you can convince yourself are romantic. I think you need to examine this first. What do you really want? I think if it comes down to it that all you believe you are capable of handling, and thus want, are platonic relationships with a bit of light flirting or under false pretenses, then you are getting what you want--and the ladies you interact with are not (in all likelihood). I think the first step, if you actually WANT a relationship, is to take yourself to a place within where you believe you can handle. Sure it can be scary but right now your fear is winning, not you--if a relationship is REALLY want you want.

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Uh, out of curiosity, how many of these women have you met up with?

 

If the answer is "zero" then maybe you're looking for "platonic" relationships? If you are, just put that on your profile. Craigslist also literally has a "platonic" section.

 

I understand the fear of rejection, but at what point are you gonna meet up with someone. How long do you need to chat with them to figure out if they're into you? Also, putting up fake pics already is setting you up for failure cuz even "if" they get to know "you", when your pics don't match up with who you are in real life, all of the stuff they got to know and/or like about you is gonna go through the window cuz you were not honest about what you looked like.

 

IMO, online dating is hard cuz yes, it's hard to get a "spark" just by looking at some pictures and a profile. Of men I've met in real life, many of them, if I would have seen an online profile for them I may have "passed" on them.

 

Maybe you oughta try getting offline and meeting people in real life. Try meet-ups, hobbies, gym classes, volunteering. That way you already are starting off on a good foot (something in common like a like for chess), and as they get to know you, chemistry will develop and they already know what you look like so if they "do" develop something with you, it'll be genuine.

 

IMO, women are less forgiving of looks if they do connect with you and/or you do something for them. So, maybe getting from behind the computer and meeting women in real life may be something you want to try out.

 

Oh, and IMO, you're not a catfish. A catfish creates a whole new persona who has "nothing" to do with who they are in real life. I mean, they'll use other people's photos, info, etc. - not old pics of themselves and/or chatter about themselves.

 

 

I met 2 actually. First one in 2014 November, it was my first date ever in my life! And it was horrible, I was awkward but nice, yet she wanted to go home quickly. I am still traumatized of that date.

 

 

Second was in 2015 September, It went smoother and I felt less awkward, but that is only because she was much friendlier then the first one. She was thankful but didn't feel any spark at the end.

And that was the last one, I tried asking few more women shortly after but they all rejected meeting me.

 

 

This explains my behavior a lot doesn't it?

 

So, out of curiosity, how do you see this playing out? 46 years old, still posting old pictures, and trying to avoid meeting in person? If that's not the desired destination, what do you plan to change about your MO?

 

Have you ever been in a relationship? Dated? Is it possible you're afraid of emotional intimacy and being in a relationship?

 

I don't know really, I hope to be married and stuff at that age. But I am starting to look for a dating course, to raise my confidence knowing in how to behave when it would come to that.

Oh and I never had a relationship before in my life.

 

 

I'm wondering if you are getting EXACTLY what you want and believe you are capable of handling? Pseudo relationships that you can convince yourself are romantic. I think you need to examine this first. What do you really want? I think if it comes down to it that all you believe you are capable of handling, and thus want, are platonic relationships with a bit of light flirting or under false pretenses, then you are getting what you want--and the ladies you interact with are not (in all likelihood). I think the first step, if you actually WANT a relationship, is to take yourself to a place within where you believe you can handle. Sure it can be scary but right now your fear is winning, not you--if a relationship is REALLY want you want.

 

 

I really want a woman that would love me and accept me despite my shortcomings. But I also want to avoid the hurt of being rejected since I already have such a low self-esteem.

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No no, deep in me I really want to meet them, and I hope I will, but I just feel as if I'm being jammed. I am trying to gather enough strength to meet them. It is such a scary thought to meet them, I am afraid they will reject me leaving me heart broken.

 

I look better in those older pictures, and 3 years is not so much I think.

 

By not posting pictures that accurately depict how you look NOW, you are setting yourself up for rejection. Three years is a lot of time if you no longer look how you looked then. By putting out accurate pictures that are clear, women know exactly what they are getting into when they start talking to you and are much less likely to flee based on disappointment over your looks.

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Michelle ma Belle
By not posting pictures that accurately depict how you look NOW, you are setting yourself up for rejection. Three years is a lot of time if you no longer look how you looked then. By putting out accurate pictures that are clear, women know exactly what they are getting into when they start talking to you and are much less likely to flee based on disappointment over your looks.

 

THIS.

 

I am still so perplexed why anyone on a legit dating site wouldn't put up recent and accurate pictures of themselves...what is the bloody point in misrepresenting yourself especially if you actually WANT to MEET someone???

 

I agree, you are only setting yourself up for the inevitable rejection you'll get. Three years is a long time and people change a LOT in that time. Clearly you seem to think so as well otherwise why would you have chosen those pictures over ones today?

 

I swear it's an epidemic anymore.

 

OP, this kind of misrepresentation will do absolutely nothing for your self esteem. That I can guarantee you.

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I did not say "never" and I do wish to meet them and have a physical relationship, only problem is I need to take my time and be sure they will like me first to minimize the chance of being rejected.

 

Well Hawx here is bit of a reality check for you.

 

These women could potentially get bored because they believe that you are not interested in them because you do not ask them out. So they fade.

 

Or you spend 8 months talking to them and build up this massive great big fantasy in your head then meet them and actually the pair of you don't fancy each other much in real life at all...

 

2 rejections in your life...

 

I am sorry but life isn't about always getting what you want. Sometimes you have to work for it and keep trying even when the going gets tough.

 

Imagine you try on a pair of shoes and you don't like them, they feel uncomfortable. Does it then logically follow that you never ever wear shoes ever again?

 

This is your logic. You need to change that.

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Yes, using pictures that are three years old (because you look better in those) is setting yourself up for failure. My motto in OLD and dating in general is underpromise and over deliver.

 

I really want a woman that would love me and accept me despite my shortcomings. But I also want to avoid the hurt of being rejected since I already have such a low self-esteem.

 

Rejection and breaking up is a big part of dating (and life in general). You don't get to a relationship with the right person without experiencing both along the way. If you truly want to find someone to love you, you have to accept both the good and bad of dating. There are no shortcuts.

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I did not say "never" and I do wish to meet them and have a physical relationship, only problem is I need to take my time and be sure they will like me first to minimize the chance of being rejected.

 

the problem with this approach is that everyone is falling in love with who they think the other person is, not who that person is. The longer it takes to meet, the more investment they've put into the artificial construct which is you/them. Then you meet and find out you're not attracted to them because they're not what you've spent the last however many weeks/months building them up to be in your imagination.

 

It's far better to meet them sooner, find out if you like one another for who that other person is than to wait and find out you like who you thought they were better.

 

Rejection is all part of life. You don't stay home from work because you don't know if your boss will like the work you do, do you? If you spend all your time trying to avoid what is a common occurrence in life which builds character and grace, then you're going to be alone for longer than is necessary.

 

If they don't like you, someone else will. Best to find that out sooner than later.

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