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Have I Screwed This Up?? [update]


HereWeGoAgain1980

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HereWeGoAgain1980

Hey folks,

 

Here's my story....

 

For about the last seven years I have been battling with a health problem, a problem that has dented my confidence, and changed me as a person. Despite that fact, I have met several girlfriends during this time, but unfortunately my relationships with them have fallen apart due to the way my illness makes me act.

 

My last girlfriend left me when my energy levels dropped to the point where I could only manage a working life, and had no energy for anything else. I stayed single for 18 months, then recently I met a great girl. We started chatting on Facebook, and eventually ended up dating, and we have now been seeing each other for just over three months.

 

She now refers to me as her boyfriend, but things are beginning to fall apart slightly, and I guess I need some reassurance, so I've come here.

 

My illness effects me mentally, as well as physically, and about a month ago I received a treatment that has had a few negative side effects, one of which is anxiety.

 

This anxiety has stopped me sleeping well at night, so we are unable to share a bed, and it has also caused me to act a bit insecure and needy around her, and she has now warned me twice that if it carries on I will push her away.

 

Something happened between us yesterday that I will share with you....

 

Last week I saw her for dinner on Tuesday and Thursday, then she chilled for a couple of hours before spending the night on Friday, and she also stayed over on Saturday, after having a meal with friends. On the Sunday morning we woke up in bed together, I was awake two hours before she was, when she woke up the first thing she did was reach for her phone. Once the phone was in her hand she didn't let go of it for about an hour, she was on Facebook, etc, whilst chatting to me, but there was no physical affection from her, no kissing, or cuddling, etc. Then it was time for her to leave to see her friend, she sat up and began getting dressed, so I asked 'are you serious?' You're going to be next to me in bed for over an hour, not show me any affection, then just get up and leave? She began to cry (it's her time of the month), and made some comment about pushing nice guys away, then she left not long after that. Later on we sent a lot of messages back and forth on WhatsApp, she told me I was going to push her away, then I got fed up and decided to call her. We had it out over the phone, and I managed to get three points across, point one, there was no affection from her that morning, point two, it's ages since we spent a whole day together, and point three, she's constantly on her phone when we're together. Earlier on in the conversation she asked 'do you think we're compatible?'

 

We're going on holiday together soon, for a week, and now all I can think about is these negative things she's said to me. I'm sure we'll move on from this and have a great time, but I can't help thinking about it. She was messaging me this morning like nothing had happened.

 

Up until a couple of weeks ago everything was going great, she'd even been dropping little hints about having kids, etc.

 

She confuses me so much, always wants to take things slow, and occasionally tells me to back off a bit, but at the same time mentions buying a home, having kids, and where we should book our next holiday! But whenever we have a disagreement about something she says things that suggest the relationship is doomed, like she has a defeatist attitude, or she's just not sure about me.

 

When we first met she was the one doing all the chasing, because I wasn't really that interested in having another girlfriend, as I'm still not well, but she seemed to accept my illness anyway, and I know it's not been easy to be around me at times due to that. In fact, the only problems in our relationship have been solely caused by my illness, everything else is great.

 

So, I guess I really want to know if this thing is salvageable, or have I been too much of a woman? I told her yesterday that I miss her when we're not together, and that I really like her, which I know are two things a guy shouldn't really be the first to say! But I find it hard to be anything but myself, playing it cool when you have strong feelings for someone can be very difficult!

 

I've not been dumped, everything is still on, and we're about to go on a very special holiday together, but I feel under pressure, as she's told me it will 'make or break us', so how do I play it?

 

I'm thinking back off a bit, try really hard not to be too full on while we're away, just have fun, then let her do the chasing when we get home. Thoughts?

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back off and let her do the chasing...stay positive, keep things light and no pressure. Keep in mind it's your anxiety that is making you want to be clingy, expressive, emotional, etc.

 

 

my thoughts? it's kinda hard to be with someone you are newly dating who has an illness. If you were married that's different, for better or for worse. If things keep happening, she may say "I never signed up for this..."

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Well, what jumps out at me is you act like it's a crime to hang out with you and not "be affectionate." No one is affectionate every time they see their gf or bf. She doesn't owe you to always be affectionate and touchy. She has other friends to keep up with, and that's healthy, nothing wrong with that.

 

 

As far as your meds making you anxious, you need to call your doctor and let him know that and he can prescribe something mild for the anxiety. They had to do that to my sister when she was in the hospital on a bunch of stuff because when your body is sick, it can make your mind sick too and vice versa. So call your doctor today and tell him you feel a side effect is you are feeling anxiety.

 

Your gf has asked you to not be so pushy and demanding. It's your insecurity (or horniness -- not sure which) driving that. Either way, just because she's a gf doesn't mean she has to meet all your demands and be on your schedule, so chill!

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Well, what jumps out at me is you act like it's a crime to hang out with you and not "be affectionate." No one is affectionate every time they see their gf or bf. She doesn't owe you to always be affectionate and touchy. She has other friends to keep up with, and that's healthy, nothing wrong with that.

 

I personally don't find it normal to spend the night next to a boyfriend, then wake up and not give him a kiss good morning and spend a few minutes talking together and being nice and attentive to each other.

 

I don't find it normal that she grabs her phone at the very moment she opens her eyes and then ignores the man laying next to her.

 

OP, you may think it's our anxiety making you feel cligny but to me it just looks like it's your instinct telling you she's not into you as she used to. I find her behavior toward you very dismissing.

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I personally don't find it normal to spend the night next to a boyfriend, then wake up and not give him a kiss good morning and spend a few minutes talking together and being nice and attentive to each other.

 

I don't find it normal that she grabs her phone at the very moment she opens her eyes and then ignores the man laying next to her.

 

OP, you may think it's our anxiety making you feel cligny but to me it just looks like it's your instinct telling you she's not into you as she used to. I find her behavior toward you very dismissing.

 

He said she was in bed next to him for an hour Sunday morning. He didn't say the whole weekend was a bust. Just that she was in bed for an hour and facebooked and whatnot and then left.

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thecrucible

It's not that you can turn back time but sometimes it's good to wait before raising an issue (i.e. you feeling that was not affectionate enough in the morning) much later in the day when it feels less raw. Sometimes when you give yourself some mental space, you can rationalise a few things and it's much easier to talk about it with that person. I know how it feels as I have experienced anxiety and something that helped me was to take a step back more so I could really see what was going on and not react with too much emotional immediacy. I think taking your time to react to issues that worry and deciding that you will ask her about it next time you see her in person will help you come across as less needy. I would also try and ask your friends about a few things before going to her about it so you offload less on her.

 

This not a criticism though. I can see it from your point of view as I enjoy a lot of affection too so it'd feel odd to have that distance first thing in the morning. I would feel hurt and confused by that too.

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HereWeGoAgain1980

Update....

 

I called her to ask her if there was anything at my place she wanted me to pack for our holiday, then we spoke about everything.

 

She told me that I need to stop being so full on because it's scaring her away, I'm laying all my cards on the table too early.

 

This is what was making me a bit insecure in the first place, I could tell she was gaining the upper hand, by taking control, allowing me to become the weaker person in the relationship, mainly because of my health problems. I haven't been sleeping properly for so long now, and these kind of thoughts just make it worse. It's now 02:22, I'm wide awake, can't get her off my mind. During our conversation she ran me down so much, told me 'you used to be a cool guy when we met', but that was when I wasn't sure about her, and basically didn't give a ****, so now it's like she wants me to stop caring about her, which is something I'm not sure I can do.

 

We're going on holiday on Thursday, she's told me 'pull any **** when we're away, and I'll spend it alone', that's all I'll be able to think about while we're away.

 

Everything is ****ed, the relationship is basically over, my only hope is to actually do what she says and play it very cool, back away completely, let her come to me, but doing that will turn me into a wreck, due to not sleeping. I'm now expected to go back to being the happy, relaxed, detached guy I was three months ago, which is impossible when you're in love with someone who's not sure about you.

 

Right now I feel like telling her it's over, and not going on the holiday.

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HereWeGoAgain1980

I know that if I back away enough she will come back to me, it happened a couple of weeks ago, she told me she wanted some space to see friends, etc, so I put the ball in her court, let her do all the texting and pursuing, and it worked, her level of interest seemed to shoot up. I would implement that now, but we're going to be forced to spend a week together in a motorhome from Thursday! Ha ha, you couldn't write this.

 

My illness and my past have turned me into a weak person, she's seeing that, and instead of giving me the reassurance I need to continue being strong in the relationship, she's telling me it's on the rocks, then expecting me to carry on like nothing is wrong.

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HereWeGoAgain1980

Hi

 

I've been dating a woman for just over three months, and up until a couple of weeks ago everything was going great. I've messed things up twice now, by acting a bit insecure, needy, and laying all my cards on the table too early, basically told her I'm falling in love with her.

 

Last weekend I complained that I didn't get enough physical affection from her, and that we weren't spending enough time together.

 

She has been freaked out by this behaviour, and has told me to back off and stop pressuring her.

 

I totally understand where she is coming from, I have apologised, and told her I will make an effort to be a bit cooler, like I was at the start, as she said last night.

 

I find it hard not to miss her when we're apart, and I think about her a lot. I know all the 'alpha male' dating advice says this is a bad thing, and you shouldn't do it, but I can't seem to switch it off!

 

Does anyone have any tips?

 

If I don't manage it soon I will destroy the relationship.

 

I should add that I have a bit of an anxiety disorder, which makes playing it cool ten times harder!

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It's hard when you love someone as you want to be with them and you feel that if you are away from them for any moment of time, then they'll forget about you. Any silence just creates doubt and it makes you react in such a needy insecure way. We all do it, especially in the early stages when there's someone we like. The thing is, they often like us just as much but because we drown them in contact, it's hard for them to react, so they often can take a back seat, but that in turn means we chase more.

 

 

You have to remember how you were when you first met - who chased who, who asked who out, did you play it cool back then which in turn made her interested... think back to that and try to bring it back to where it was. It will be hard as now she's seen this love sick puppy dog act you have going on, and therefore has lost some of that respect and interest/excitement she once had.

 

 

I wish I had a definite answer for you, but I've made that mistake so many times. The only thing I would suggest is back off on the contact a bit - don't ignore her, but take your time and keep it short and sweet. Then when you do see her, and if the subject comes up, just laugh it off saying something like you're unsure why you acted like that. Don't apologise though as in reality you've done nothing wrong, just been over keen and honest. Saying sorry is all well and good when you've hurt someone, but any other time just comes across as weak. I'm sure she didn't fall for you because you're weak. Be that person she fell for in the first place, that's who she wants.

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Tell her you are sorry for pressuring her then back off. Tell her you are going to let her set the pace & do just that. You can't really suppress your emotions but you can control your behavior.

 

 

First sit on your hands. Do not reach out for her more then 1-2x per week. Yes, I'm serious. that infrequently. See if she comes to you more.

 

 

Value the quality of the time you spend together not the quantity.

 

 

Develop hobbies & other interests to occupy your time. Take a send job if you have to in order to keep busy. If you have less time on your hands you can't wallow over her plus you will increase your disposable income for dating.

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HereWeGoAgain1980

Thanks for the good advice guys.

 

When I spoke with her on the phone last night I apologised, listened to what she had to say, and told her I would back off, just like you've said. I tried this a couple of weeks ago when she said I was keen, and it worked, she was initiating contact all the time, but when we finally saw each other at the weekend my fears got the better of me and I screwed up by being too full on again.

 

She knows I am a bit insecure, because of things that have happened in my past, and I am also battling an illness, but she does nothing to reassure me, every time I've acted that way she's told me 'you're pushing me away', or 'you're scaring me'.

 

We're going on holiday together in a couple of days, something we've had planned for about two months, and she's told me 'pull any of that sh*t when we're away, and I'll spend it alone'.

 

Her words are spinning round in my head so much that I was unable to sleep last night, and I haven't gone to work today.

 

I really need to disconnect from her, I feel like the relationship is doomed. The only way to rectify the situation is to be everything she wants me to be while we're away.

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The relationship is not doomed. It is totally sustainable if you let her lead. She wants a man & by that she means a secure guy who doesn't whine. Can you be that ? Can you be confident? Can you at least act like you are?

 

 

Live in the moment on this trip. Give her space on the trip. Spend at least 1 hour a day away from her. Go for a walk. Hit the hotel gym. Find a quiet spot & read a book but be out of her presence.

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HereWeGoAgain1980
The relationship is not doomed. It is totally sustainable if you let her lead. She wants a man & by that she means a secure guy who doesn't whine. Can you be that ? Can you be confident? Can you at least act like you are?

 

 

Live in the moment on this trip. Give her space on the trip. Spend at least 1 hour a day away from her. Go for a walk. Hit the hotel gym. Find a quiet spot & read a book but be out of her presence.

 

I was confident when we met, because I was very comfortable with being single, but I knew that allowing another woman into my life would fill me with the fear of loss again. I have a health problem that can be very difficult to manage, I have to stick to certain foods, and there's often times when I don't feel well. This REALLY affects my confidence with her, and her patience with it is currently wearing very thin.

 

She seems to voice every doubt she has about our relationship to me, I'm not sure why, I wish she would just keep it to herself, because it adds to my insecurities.

 

There's no doubt that she is still keen, she's already messaged me three times this morning. She has spoken about having children, buying a home, how many dogs we should have, and it doesn't phase me at all, I'm 36 and more ready than ever to have all that, but when I say stuff like that it freaks her out! Women are so difficult to figure out!

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I also read your precious post to give context. I don't think it's so much that you're needy, but it's more about the criticisms of her. The conversations telling her that she's not doing enough of X and Y and that you want her to do Z differently would get very irritating. And yes, it could easily drive her away.

 

Accept her for who she is. Or, if you find her behaviour unacceptable, end things. But don't be complaining or wanting her to change.

 

Regarding her not giving you reassurance - it's not her job to soothe you. If you do anxiety and she soothes, she would actually be reinforcing your behaviour. Conversely, by rejecting your behaviour, you will learn to stop doing it around her. Learn to reassure yourself when you're over-reacting. And learn when to walk away if a person does not meet your relationship needs.

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I think that during the time away from her you can use the time proactively. Google ways of reducing anxiety levels. Read up on self help books. Practice being calmer and more in control of your emotions.

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I don't even have the energy to address everything here. Everything is upside down and back to front.

 

she's told me 'pull any of that sh*t when we're away, and I'll spend it alone'.

 

:eek:

 

You let her speak to you like that?

 

Don't ever let anyone speak to you like that - man, woman, or child.

 

I'm being dead serious.

 

She seems to voice every doubt she has about our relationship to me, I'm not sure why, I wish she would just keep it to herself, because it adds to my insecurities.

 

Ignore it, or tell her to stop it.

 

I knew that allowing another woman into my life would fill me with the fear of loss again.

 

Every relationship has a time limit. Life has a time limit.

 

You need to accept that every relationship ends, and start living in the present - rather than be anxious about the future.

 

She has spoken about having children, buying a home, how many dogs we should have, and it doesn't phase me at all, I'm 36 and more ready than ever to have all that, but when I say stuff like that it freaks her out! Women are so difficult to figure out!

 

She's selfish and wants everything her own way. You're just an extra in her movie.

 

You seem unsatisfied being typecast...

 

The relationship is not doomed. It is totally sustainable if you let her lead.

 

She wants a man

 

 

These two things are at odds. But, you know what? You're right, in a way.

 

The relationship could work if he followed her lead. But, I think it'll lead to a one sided relationship, and a subservient life for the OP. And she'll probably never be satisfied with that anyway.

 

My advice is to dump her. Figure out your issues, then start fresh with another woman.

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ExpatInItaly

Can you describe what your needy behaviour consists of? What are you saying or doing that is putting her off so much?

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HereWeGoAgain1980
I think that during the time away from her you can use the time proactively. Google ways of reducing anxiety levels. Read up on self help books. Practice being calmer and more in control of your emotions.

 

I've been working on myself for a long time in that respect. The problem I have is that my anxiety is caused by a gut problem, it's physiological, my gut gets inflamed due to IBS, and it affects my nervous system. When this happens the slightest little thing can make me feel very anxious, and at the moment the bulk of the thoughts fuelling it are about the new relationship, as that is the only thing I have to worry about.

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HereWeGoAgain1980
Can you describe what your needy behaviour consists of? What are you saying or doing that is putting her off so much?

 

Ok, the last thing I did was on Sunday. We'd had a great week together, we had a meal on Tuesday, spent about three hours together, which finished with her giving me a blowjob, then we met up again on Thursday, ate together, and again I received a blowjob, in her car, this time was only an hour and a half, then Friday she went for a meal with friends and came to my place around 8:30, we chilled, watched a movie, and she stayed the night, then Saturday she went out to eat again, had drinks with friends afterwards, then came to my place, we had sex and she slept over. When the following morning came I wasn't really sure what her plans were for the day, and I was hoping we would spend it together, rather than just eating, having some sort of sexual engagement, then saying goodbye, but instead she was spending it with friends again. She woke up, reached for her phone, sat staring at Facebook and Instagram for about an hour, then sat up and got dressed to leave, without giving me any affection whatsoever, so I picked her up on it, which she did not like at all! I basically complained about two things, her lack of affection, and it being ages since we'd spent a full day together, our other encounters were reminiscent of when I was 18 years old! At 36 I want to spend quality time with a woman, something I feel we've really been lacking.

 

She's really not taken well to my comments, and decided to hit me with a torrent of negative bombs about myself in response. Told me I'm being too full on, and that she's not going to change the way she lives her life for me, with regards to seeing her friends, etc.

 

I guess I should also mention that it's her time of the month, and she suffers a lot with PMS, ha ha.

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I'm gonna give you only 1 advice that I learned through my experience, so as anything, it may count for nothing.

 

The more engaged you are in a relationship, the more she will take you for granted.

 

Its really stupid, and doesnt make any sense, but thats life. There may be some exceptions, but the general male and female work like this.

 

So, my advice is, focus on yourself. I know you don't want, you want her and be with her, but she will take you for granted and her attitude only will worsen with the time.

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Hi

 

I've been dating a woman for just over three months, and up until a couple of weeks ago everything was going great. I've messed things up twice now, by acting a bit insecure, needy, and laying all my cards on the table too early, basically told her I'm falling in love with her.

 

Last weekend I complained that I didn't get enough physical affection from her, and that we weren't spending enough time together.

 

She has been freaked out by this behaviour, and has told me to back off and stop pressuring her.

 

I totally understand where she is coming from, I have apologised, and told her I will make an effort to be a bit cooler, like I was at the start, as she said last night.

 

I find it hard not to miss her when we're apart, and I think about her a lot. I know all the 'alpha male' dating advice says this is a bad thing, and you shouldn't do it, but I can't seem to switch it off!

 

Does anyone have any tips?

 

If I don't manage it soon I will destroy the relationship.

 

I should add that I have a bit of an anxiety disorder, which makes playing it cool ten times harder!

 

Yeah, remember she freaked out and called it pressure when you asked for some tenderness.

 

I can understand her saying to you "HWGA, we're pretty new at this and I take things a little slow to make sure they're really what they seem they are. Let's not try to race to anything... let's enjoy this journey"; I don't understand "OH MY GOD!!!! STOP PRESSURING ME!!!! UGH!!!"

 

I could see it if you were 3 weeks in, but 3 months? And she calls sharing tenderness pressure? She's not into you and if she's not there by now, she ain't going to get there.

 

If you need tenderness from the woman you're with, this woman ain't that one, hon. I'd put her down and find someone else who isn't adverse to tenderness. She sounds like a cold fish.

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Ok, the last thing I did was on Sunday. We'd had a great week together, we had a meal on Tuesday, spent about three hours together, which finished with her giving me a blowjob, then we met up again on Thursday, ate together, and again I received a blowjob, in her car, this time was only an hour and a half, then Friday she went for a meal with friends and came to my place around 8:30, we chilled, watched a movie, and she stayed the night, then Saturday she went out to eat again, had drinks with friends afterwards, then came to my place, we had sex and she slept over. When the following morning came I wasn't really sure what her plans were for the day, and I was hoping we would spend it together, rather than just eating, having some sort of sexual engagement, then saying goodbye, but instead she was spending it with friends again. She woke up, reached for her phone, sat staring at Facebook and Instagram for about an hour, then sat up and got dressed to leave, without giving me any affection whatsoever, so I picked her up on it, which she did not like at all! I basically complained about two things, her lack of affection, and it being ages since we'd spent a full day together, our other encounters were reminiscent of when I was 18 years old! At 36 I want to spend quality time with a woman, something I feel we've really been lacking.

 

She's really not taken well to my comments, and decided to hit me with a torrent of negative bombs about myself in response. Told me I'm being too full on, and that she's not going to change the way she lives her life for me, with regards to seeing her friends, etc.

 

I guess I should also mention that it's her time of the month, and she suffers a lot with PMS, ha ha.

 

 

So you saw each other Tuesday, Thursday, Friday AND Saturday and you were complaining you did not spend the entire Sunday together? That sounds really unreasonable to me. Yes, you only spent a few hours together Tuesday and Thursdag, but she came back to your place Friday and you had the entire Saturday together? Do you expect to see her every day, 24/7? I would feel suffocated too, if I were here. I am also typically the anxious and needy one in a relationship, but I still need some space after seeing a guy several days in a row, albeit for a few hours or just spending the night. I think you need to chill and give each other more space - give her a chance to miss you.

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HereWeGoAgain1980

The irony of this is that she's not the first girlfriend I've had who has acted this way, I had another girl who was like this too, liked to come to me with her issues, but if ever I had any I was told to 'man up'.

 

That seems to be the way with a lot of women these days, a friend of mine has just had a terrible time with a girl who was very similar.

 

I guess it's just the way laws of attraction work, women are looking for an alpha male, but it's quite difficult to maintain that persona all the time, especially as I have a health problem. I think she maybe mistakes that for a weakness, and feels she has to take the lead, I don't know.

 

I really don't think the fact that she is suffering with some major PMS right now helps.

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Ok, the last thing I did was on Sunday. We'd had a great week together, we had a meal on Tuesday, spent about three hours together, which finished with her giving me a blowjob, then we met up again on Thursday, ate together, and again I received a blowjob, in her car, this time was only an hour and a half, then Friday she went for a meal with friends and came to my place around 8:30, we chilled, watched a movie, and she stayed the night, then Saturday she went out to eat again, had drinks with friends afterwards, then came to my place, we had sex and she slept over. When the following morning came I wasn't really sure what her plans were for the day, and I was hoping we would spend it together, rather than just eating, having some sort of sexual engagement, then saying goodbye, but instead she was spending it with friends again. She woke up, reached for her phone, sat staring at Facebook and Instagram for about an hour, then sat up and got dressed to leave, without giving me any affection whatsoever, so I picked her up on it, which she did not like at all! I basically complained about two things, her lack of affection, and it being ages since we'd spent a full day together, our other encounters were reminiscent of when I was 18 years old! At 36 I want to spend quality time with a woman, something I feel we've really been lacking.

 

She's really not taken well to my comments, and decided to hit me with a torrent of negative bombs about myself in response. Told me I'm being too full on, and that she's not going to change the way she lives her life for me, with regards to seeing her friends, etc.

 

I guess I should also mention that it's her time of the month, and she suffers a lot with PMS, ha ha.

 

So basically, you're a waystation on her travels.

 

PMS is no excuse for being rude. One can have PMS and control what they say--they aren't mutually exclusive. Don't believe otherwise and don't give a pass on rude behavior.

 

Anyone who tells you that they're not going to change who they are should be left where they're standing. You don't need that kind of energy in your life.

 

She has spoken about having children, buying a home, how many dogs we should have, and it doesn't phase me at all, I'm 36 and more ready than ever to have all that, but when I say stuff like that it freaks her out!

 

The she's more into your potential as it relates to what you can provide for her future than she is you. This line of talk is something that many women love to hear back from the man they're involved with *IF* they're into the man they're involved with. If they're not into him, then they try to manage his expectations by controlling what he can share with them or what they want to hear out of him.

 

I'd put a lot of space between her and you if I was you. At your age, these games should have been long over by 10 or more years.

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