Boyfriend admitted he'd cheat on me????

[IceIceBaby]

I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone today and he was telling me how he's going out with his friends for his friends birthday party. They have plans to hit up some bars and strip clubs, which is fine with me. He then tells me that him and his freinds are planning on buying some "gifts" for his friend from the strippers, if you get what I mean. Once again, I just laugh but ask why guys don't find that dirty. He then tells me that if he was drunk enough, he would let some random girl do stuff to him. His explanation being that those sort of things aren't as readily available for guys as they are for girls on a daily basis. He doesn't seem to understand why this comment bothers me. In my mind, he basically told me if drunk enough, he'd cheat on me. I repeatedly asked him “So you would really do this?” And he kept saying yes. When he realized I was upset, he said “**** this, can I go now?” So I hung up on him out of frustration. Am I crazy and overreacting???? Thanks in advance!

[LucreziaBorgia]

You aren't wrong to feel hurt or offended. What he said was tactless. Hypothetical, and probably not meant to hurt your feelings - but utterly tactless. I think he has it in his mind that if it was "just sex" or with a "stripper" or under "being drunk" circumstances then it wouldn't "count" as cheating. He's offering up fantasy in the form of a hypothetical situation. I take it he's fairly young?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by IceIceBaby

So I hung up on him out of frustration. Am I crazy and overreacting???? Thanks in advance!

 

Once i've been dating a woman for a while (3 or 4 months) and i can tell she is falling for me i usually tell them casually that I don't trust myself and would find it hard to stay with the same woman fer the rest of my life. If she makes a big stink out of it I just say I'm being honest, which I am.

 

I do this on purpose to make myself more of a challenge to her and get a rise outta her and also to see how she reacts to it. But I have told her the truth and most women get pissed off but they respect me more later on.

 

I think that is what he may be doing.

[IceIceBaby]

Yes, we're both 22. When we spoke an hour later, he told me that he hates that I'm giving him **** for something that didn't even happen yet. And that if he did it, he would be "man enough" to admit he screwed up and walk away. All which didn't make me feel any better about the situation. These sort of things always end with me apologizing for misunderstanding him or overreacting. But I'm sick of that, and I'm not backing down this time. I really do feel like this comment was uncalled for. Who says things like that to their girlfriend????

 

Alpha - We've been together for almost a year. I don't think there's any need for him test my reactions on things anymore. He's like night and day. One minute it's all about how great I am, and how perfect I am for him. And the next its crap like this. I'm an extremely easy-going girlfriend. He says some stuff to me that most girls would never listen to. All these girls who don't even want to know their guy watches porn and mine tells me his favorite porn stars on a regular basis. Just stupid stuff most girls would die over if their guy told them. But I have to draw a line here. Seems so unneccasary.

[Lonestar]

Who says things like that to their girlfriend????

 

Someone who doesn't want a girlfriend or could give a sh*t about her. Time for you to dump him, honey.

[WalkingTall]

Kick him to the curb and then kick him in the nuts......

 

How can someone be in a committed relationship that long and say if the opportunity came up...... It doesnt matter how drunk you are... If you love the woman you are with, there is no way in hell that dissappears with alcohol!

 

WHATTA DAWG!

[d'Arthez]

I agree with the previous two posters. He is too immature to be in a healthy relationship with you. Everyone can say things they should not have said, but he has made it a regular habit. He already tells you beforehand so it will be easier for him to excuse his appalling behavior when it happens.

 

You should not make it a habit to apologize when he messes with your feelings. It knocks your self-esteem down. The excuse that nothing hasn't happened yet is really lame. Part of being adult (and if he has sex with you, you might expect him to be one!) is being proactive, and avoiding sh*tty situations when it is possible to do so.

You have set low standards for your relationship, and you must draw a line somewhere.

 

He is not man enough to walk away. Otherwise he would have left this relationship. Because it is very unhealthy for you to be part of this relationship.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by IceIceBaby

Alpha - We've been together for almost a year.

 

He's like night and day. One minute it's all about how great I am, and how perfect I am for him. And the next its crap like this.

 

Well ICEICEBABY, you've been together for a year so you must like something about him! If he changed you'd probably lose interest and walk away. Personally I like his honesty and i'm sure you do also. At least he is not some nice, boring, castrated guy and exudes some masculinity.

 

Take a look at yourself here also, what attracts you to him?

 

I do basically what he does also and women always bytch and moan but in the end they respect you more and stick around longer.

[Hund1976]

If a girl said something like that to me I would tell her to take a hike. Maybe the guy is just testing you to see how big of a jerk he can be and still get you to stick around.

[IceIceBaby]

Alpha - There are alot of things I like about him. One of them being that he isn't the typical guy, he really isn't like anyone I'll ever meet. But sometimes those qualities that he thinks are stupid in normal guys, I find endearing. He figures he's always 100% honest, so its better off that way. But in this always honest quality of his, I hear some crazy stuff, very little of it being nice or sweet. And call me a stupid girl, but I'd like to hear nice things from my boyfriend every once in a while. Most of the time, he's pretty crude and tactless and sometimes I wonder if I'm just clinging to those rare moments here and there when he decides to be sweet or affectionate. So yes, that would be my fault and something I have to look into. But this a**h*** front he puts on is not making me respect him more. I don't need to be tested to see if I'll stick around, that's too much of a game for me. I don't know, I guess I really need to re-evaluate this whole relationship.

 

Thank you everyone for your responses! It's so good to hear opinions from the outside.

[tanbark813]

I don't think he's putting on an a**h*** front at all. It sounds like the guy is just really upfront with what he thinks. Maybe that's tactless, but I wouldn't go so far as to call the guy immature as some other posters have claimed. At least he's letting you see who he really is and letting you giving you the opportunity to figure out if you can be with a guy like that. Isn't that preferable to him sugarcoating everything and telling you he'd never cheat when in reality he really thinks differently?

 

IMHO, I think you should just listen to everything he's told you (assuming his actions back up what he says), and decide whether or not that's the type of guy you can be with.

[GirlDown]

if i a guy said that to me, i would say "you know what, me too, i think the same way. you never know what's going to happen when there's alcohol involved. i'm going out to get drunk and find out. thanks for the advice."

 

please. there are other ways to assert your masculinity than by saying you might cheat on the girl you're with. it would have been "manly" enough to say "i wouldn't cheat on you, but if i ever did than i would be honest and tell you about it."

 

ugh.

 

it sounds like he is planning on getting some "gifts" of his own and is trying to cover his bases so when he tells you he can say "i was drunk and it's not like i didn't warn you."

 

if you stick around after that, then he knows he can do whatever he wants. then who's fault is it?

 

i'll give you a clue...it isn't his.

[d'Arthez]

As I see it he is excusing apalling behavior beforehand. To soften the blow, which he contemplates giving to you. Why would he otherwise saying that repeatedly ? His reasoning is terribly flawed.

 

1. He puts the blame on the alcohol. Well is the alcohol responsible for being consumed by a man or a woman? No the man or woman is responsible for the amount of alcohol (s)he consumes. Commitments don't vanish nor does the law disappear because some has drunk too much alcohol.

 

2. Saying that girls can get some any day they want. Hello!? But if (and this goes for women and men) they are in an exclusive relationship with someone, they have to rely on the partner who they are committed to. You can't have exclusivity and non-exclusivity at the same time. He seems to want the best of both worlds, and if he hurts your feelings - you let him get away with that, when you apologize for 'overreacting.' You are not over-reacting. He is not respecting the boundaries the both of you agreed to in this relationship. Every time you let him get away with that, he'll get more control in the relationship, and your self-esteem will dwindle.

 

He then tells me that if he was drunk enough, he would let some random girl do stuff to him. His explanation being that those sort of things aren't as readily available for guys as they are for girls on a daily basis. He doesn't seem to understand why this comment bothers me. In my mind, he basically told me if drunk enough, he'd cheat on me. I repeatedly asked him ?So you would really do this?? And he kept saying yes.

 

Honesty is a great character asset. But that does not mean he should not consider your feelings. Most often he is not the guy you want him to be. And this 'honesty' which is eating you up does not improve your relationship.

Are you certain it is honesty and not lack of tact and crudeness? Why would you want to be with a guy who puts you down a lot of the time, and leaves you hoping he might have a good day in the future?

 

I still think he is emotionally too immature for a relationship with you. Call me naive, call me an utopian but there are men out there who are a lot more mature.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

I still think he is emotionally too immature for a relationship with you. Call me naive, call me an utopian but there are men out there who are a lot more mature.

 

yes, D'ARTHEZ, there are many nice, boring, mature, gentlemanly, worldly and castrated men out there. unfortuantely most women worth having are not interested in them.

 

such is life. oh well...

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by alphamale

 

 

yes, D'ARTHEZ, there are many nice, boring, mature, gentlemanly, worldly and castrated men out there. unfortuantely most women worth having are not interested in them.

 

such is life. oh well...

 

i do agree with you alphamale, it is hard to respect someone who kisses your azz completely, and a man who asserts his feelings is attractive to those who want a challenge.

 

i am this way.

 

but being completely disrespectful is not attractive, and it obviously is not to this particular girlfriend. i like a challenge, like i said, but it's more in a sense that the man will not let me walk all over him and will make his feelings known even if i disagree. and he won't back down just to make me happy, because he stands up for himself. no one likes a jellyfish.

 

blatantly saying you'll cheat on someone is just a relationship killer...or, it would be in my book. why stay in a relationship that will blow up in your face like that?

 

i don't know. people are nuts, aren't they?

[d'Arthez]

From: Depressed boyfriend, mood swings...help!

We had a rocky relationship at the start due to his lack of showing emotion or affection. He expressed a desire for me to help him with that, and about 3 or 4 months ago, he changed so much. He told me he realized what a jerk he'd been and things were amazing after that. He would ask me if he was doing ok, if I was happy. And I was, I've been very happy and he's been so great. Everyone I talk to says he raves about me and says how perfect I am for him. And he has told me I'm the kind of person he'd want to settle down with. I just worry that his lack of happiness with himself is going to constanly affect our relationship. And I also wonder if I'm just too easy going. I don't ask alot of him. I never asked for him to remember anniversaries, we've never celebrated one. I always encourage him to go out on the weekends with his friends. But when I ask anything of him, like spending time with me this weekend, he makes me feel guilty and demanding. So I get annoyed, then I call him like I just did ten minutes ago and he's back to his old self. Telling me to "call him tommorow after work, have a good day tommorow, feel better babe, don't stress about all that went on with us today..." But when it all comes down to it...I do stress, and that's a big problem.

 

I read through your post about his mood swings. It explains a lot, and sorry for not checking that earlier.

It really seems he has some major issues. But as alcohol cannot be an excuse for appaling behavior and so can't a possible psychological disorder be used as an excuse for appaling behavior. It can explain behavior but not justify behavior.

He might be bi-polar as you suggested. Bi-polar disorder often is accompanied by increased sexual desire in the manic phase, and / or promiscuity. One of the easiest identifiable signs would be his sleep pattern. Something else that can also happen is that he has moods in which he buys lots of (useless) things, and make enormous debts. Google Bi-polar disorder and DSM-IV and check to be certain.

 

Given his behavior, and if can be diagnostically diagnosed as bipolar, he should get some help. It is an affliction which can be treated reasonably well with medicines. It does not cure him immediately though. It requires a lot of a person to stay in a relationship with someone who is bi-polar. Don't forget to consider your sanity as a first priority for yourself.

 

Right now you sometimes wonder about your boyfriend if you are

just clinging to those rare moments here and there when he decides to be sweet or affectionate.

Clearly this is a statement of enormous dissatisfaction with the situation. Given the fact that you have been apologizing for past 'overreactions', the relationship dynamic becomes more clear.

 

You also played a part in this. You let him get away with things that were not right in your mindset. You let herself be guilt-tripped in believing you were overreacting for other things. As long you keep doing this, it will erode your self-esteem further, and shift the balance of power in his favor. Not healthy as he has some psychological issues.

 

From: Depressed boyfriend, mood swings...help!

I'm not sure I want to ride it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I just want to run because quite often he says things he doesn't mean and acts in ways that hurt me. But I don't want to just bail on him because he has told me numerous times that I mean so much to him. He has asked me to help him before, but it's impossible.

 

Actions speak louder than words. He can tell you he loves you, but does he back it up with actions? To show that he cares about you on a consistent basis?

 

You can't help him, he really needs professional help from either a psychologist or a psychiatrist if he suffers from bi-polar disorder. If you needed open heart surgery you would not ask your boyfriend to do it but a professional surgeon. Make him see this point. It is not about the number of bucks you spend but how wise you spend them.

 

If however he maintains he does not have any issues for which he needs professional guidance, I think it would be better for you to leave him.

[opaleye]

Ick. He sound like a prick. He obviously thinks it's okay to hook up with strippers because he's drunk and it's what all his friends do. Sorry but I think that gross. And I don't think it's masculine. If he says that he would/will do it. He will. Now all you are doing is hanging around waiting for him to go out one night and end your relationship cos he's wasted and up for some action. That's no fun for you and not fair at all. It gives him all the power in the relationship and makes you feel insecure and unimportant. If he says this to you and doesn't even care that it hurts you then I think that it's only a matter of time before he does it. You can't live like that- It was like that with my ex. Every time he went out and got drunk I half expected him to cheat and to be broken up the next day. He displayed the same attitude as your boyfriend. ANd guess what, he did cheat. So yeah, I think that if in general this relationship isn't happy or good for you then you should end it. Trust is important and it doesn't seem like he even wants you to trust him.

 

Just my opinion.

[IceIceBaby]

d'Arthez - What a post, thank you so much. And I do know that his depression has alot to do with the problems in our relationship. Recently, I have been thinking about mentioning him going to talk to someone about it, but that's a pretty rough conversation to initiate. I know he has some of the tell-tale signs of bi-polar disorder. Extreme highs and lows, doesn't sleep through the night, very high sexual desire, etc, etc. I'm just finding it all very difficult now. Maybe it's just that I've dealt with so much over the past year that I can't handle it anymore. I'm generally a positive and happy person, so it's very difficult to suddenly adjust to having someone in your life who is always in a bad mood and negative. It brings a whole new level of drama into my life that I never had before.

 

opaleye - What kills me is that if you had asked me a week ago if my boyfriend would ever cheat on me, I would have answered with a big no. He himself has been cheated on twice by his two exes, and that is part of the reason he is the way he is. So he knows what that feels like. He was never the type to look at other girls and I've never felt jealousy with him. So it was a complete shock to hear him say that to me. I always knew that he had this thought in his head that girls get offered sex all the time, but a guy doesn't so he most likely will accept if offered. But I never thought he would consider accepting while still being with me. And I came right out and told that all I wanted to hear him say was that he would never do that to me. And he would not say it.

[CurlyIam]

Girl, I haven't had the patience to read all the posts. I'll just say what I believe to be true:

 

He's 22, he's been for one year with one girl (who's amazing, etc), but he's only 22 and he wants to have fun. I think that he is being fair to you: he's telling you he cannot commit.

 

That's what it is. You can keep him entertained for a certain amount of time, but in the end I don't think it's worth the effort.

 

Guys who don't understand, want or appreciate a relationship shall do that. Now you know. If you're inlove, you shall find it in your heart to accept it, like flaw that does not diminish his other qualities. Remember that everyone is not perfect and just like Alphamale suggested, some people don't want to change...

 

 

 

 

What's even more alerting is that guys usually do this when the relationship has flaws. When it goes badly. Then they seek outside what they cannot find inside the relationship. Well, it's not your case. The question is... WHY? Can you live in this incertitude?

 

I wish you the best of luck in releasing the tension. I suggest you a high dose of communication. If it does not work (he refuses to communicate) maybe it's time for you and the girls to take a big big cure of clubbin' and make him UNSECURE and uncertain. This, unfortunately in NOT a long term solution, you'll still have to deal with his "WHY" in the morning.

 

Good luck,

 

Curly

[opaleye]

Hmm. I dunno then. If you would have trusted him 100% before he said that then it probably means he is trustworthy. I don't know. It's up to you. If you are okay with being in a relationship where you might be more committed to him than he is to you (and you both know it) then that's fine. Only you know what the relationship is really like. Good luck sorting it all out.