Should I take him seriously or not?

[Fruitee]

So very long time ago I met this guy. He was my bf's friend. I thought he was very cute and cool and had secret crush on him. Then many years later after I had broke up with my bf I met this guy again. We started a fwb type of thing. I was very much in love with him. But it was some how complicated. I acted kind of crazy so we never went on real date even I think at the beginning we were supposed to.

 

We saw each other for like an year every now and then. When ever one of us was in relationship we didnt meet. So years go by and we dont meet. But then again we do and its all good. Almost never he told me he couldnt see me. We didnt even always have sex. Sometimes we just slept.

 

Last time I saw him was like 1.5 years ago. But now he asked me out on a date. Which we had.

 

He had asked me for the past 1.5 years to meet him but I never did. Last year I told him I dont want fwb with him again. When I said Im over of being treated like a wh*re who just comes to **** and then ****s off. He was like why do u call yourself that.

 

Later He asked me out but I didnt understand it. And then we just argued and didnt talk again. We both have kind of how to say it short fuse and we are stubborn so it is sometimes difficult for us to decide on if to meet or not etc. But when we manage to meet its awesome.

 

Anyway. Now he seems to me to be ready for relationship. And he was very nice and cute on our date. Hold my hand and kissed me etc. But I am not sure if I should take him seriously or not.

 

I never had him but he never had me either. He once said I am one in a million and I always go but never stay and I have always liked him. We go along very well. Always have fun etc. I guess the timing was always wrong. And maybe now it could actually work out between us.

 

But can guy like him really be invested on me? He has been dragging me along for years. Just like I have him. Now for past couple of years I set up the boundary with him and didnt agree to sleep with him. I dont think he would have asked me out if he didnt like me. But he also said he is not exactly sure what he wants. Even i cannot blame him. I almost cancelled our date today as well...

 

Difficult situation. But how should I go from here now? I like him and I dont want to scare him off. But I dont wanna get hurt by him again either.

[yxalitis]

Pretend you never had that complex past...

Just relax and treat this as a new experience with him...you have to trust his intentions, as he does yours.

Without trust there is no relationship.

[Fruitee]

Thanks. I am just not sure if I should trust my gut with him or not.

[266696687]

Thanks. I am just not sure if I should trust my gut with him or not.

 

What's your gut telling you?

 

I have one concern from your post. He said "he doesn't know what he wants" so unless he knows he is asking you for a relationship keep sex off the table until he decides. Don't sleep eith him (you can continue to date him) until you are sure you are both on the same page.

 

If he doesn't know what he wants after all this time then wait until he does.

 

Don't be led up the FWB path again by this guy. No relationship = no sex.

[DominicWayne]

Do it. One universal rule of life is if you feel someone isn't giving you the attention you think you deserve, withdraw. If he is ready, he'll contact you and take it from there.

 

I would take things slow. You have reason to, but above all, when you do take things slow, don't distrust him. That will show eventually and it will probably end up in another fight.

 

Trust him.

But be aware.

Have insane fun on your dates.

 

Conquer the day.

Good luck badass.

[road]

Forget your past.

 

 

Start fresh. You will not regret it. Be honest with him. Tell him he has to be honest with you.

 

 

I think the time is right for the both of you now.

[Fruitee]

I have decided to keep sex off, yes. Also my gut tells me that he is shy and he likes me. But I am also worried that he wont take me as gf material because of our past. I have decided to give him real chance. I also have this feeling that I need to reassure him bit that I like him and not play it too cool but I am also worried I will scare him off. So how to proceed with him?

[Fruitee]

About him not knowing what he wants. We havent met in 1.5 years and I asked him that before we want out. I said Im not interested on just fwb and what he wants etc. So he said he is not sure and was saying like maybe nothing comes out of this and do you really wanna see etc.

[Fruitee]

What I am worried about is if I am his back up plan, last woman standing and plan B. Like he has noticed now its not easy to get hook ups anymore and thats why he is expressing this interest on me.

[266696687]

About him not knowing what he wants. We havent met in 1.5 years and I asked him that before we want out. I said Im not interested on just fwb and what he wants etc. So he said he is not sure and was saying like maybe nothing comes out of this and do you really wanna see etc.

 

Okay that's fair you've been out of touch for sometime.

 

Just do as you plan and keep sex off the table till he knows he wants a relationship.

 

Treat him as if you've just started dating. Like you did not know each other previously but don't bury your head in the sand and assume he feels the same way about you. You'd be surprised the lengths some people will go to just for sex so don't be fooled with the 'I like you, I want you ' Until he says he wants you to be his girlfriend I wouldn't sleep with him.

 

The only reason I'm advising you to be so cautious is because you've previously been involved with him and it was just a sexual relationship and it didn't lead anywhere. Hitting up a previous FWB is easy pickings they just need to say the right things (or mislead you) to get you back into bed especially if they are aware you still hold some feelings for them.

 

Just watch out for signs that he isn't prepared to make a commitment.

 

If you get to say two months of dating and he is still saying "I don't know what I want lets just see where things lead" or "why do we need the label of bf/gf" then you potentially have a problem.

 

If he is interested in only sex by taking it off the table you can pay closer attention to his genuine interest levels.

[266696687]

What I am worried about is if I am his back up plan, last woman standing and plan B. Like he has noticed now its not easy to get hook ups anymore and thats why he is expressing this interest on me.

 

You could well be. What was his reason for appearing back in your life after 1.5 years?

 

Have you only been on one date so far? What level of interest is he showing you now you've told him you aren't interested in FWB again? Has he kept in touch?

[Fruitee]

That is pretty much what I am thinking too. That I am easy pickings for him. I showed my friend some of our chats and she said it seems like he is very shy and he might wanna take it to another level but isnt exactly sure how. And maybe he is thinking I am not that interested on him. Anyway we have now next date for next week. I know it will be kind of difficult to hold off the sex. But I will see now what he says next week and will keep that 2 months in my mind. I needed to push him little bit to make the plans next week. But he wanted to see me regardless.

[Fruitee]

You could well be. What was his reason for appearing back in your life after 1.5 years?

 

Have you only been on one date so far? What level of interest is he showing you now you've told him you aren't interested in FWB again? Has he kept in touch?

 

To be 100 % honest I am not sure.

 

We have always kept in touch in some way. In 2014 I initiated contact and we had sex. Then last year he suddenly added me in fb. And I think I texted him. But then during Autumn I said I am not interested on fbw.

 

This year I cant remember which one of us initiated contact and why. But at least some point I said Hi to him and he asked me over. But I forgot to go.

 

Now he actually suggested a date. Just like last year after I had turned his offer for sex down. It was like maybe couple of days or weeks after that. But I thought he just wanted sex and was annoyed. Then when I realized what he was actually asking I said he needs to be more clear that I am not able to read his mind or something. So now he suggested straight away date. He did say that he could have sex too. But initially he did want a date.

[Fruitee]

One more thing. This guy never actually said that I am pretty or nice or whatever in his opinion. He has always more like teased me and made fun of me. He never said sex is good or things like that. I am kind of used to guys sweet talking me or complimenting me. He has said only those couple of things I wrote here. He never said he wants me or likes me. So when we had that fwb thing he was always very clear about it and didnt lead me on in anyway. So I guess if that changes now it will mean something?

[road]

Good to keep sex off the table for two months. Update us. Good luck.

[elaine567]

When people have been dating or have been in relationships for years, there is always going to be the thought that your brand new date is indeed "desperate", that ideally they would want to be with someone else or even that they would want to keep "playing the field", but due to circumstances they have ended up with you.

He is really no different.

 

Take him as you find him, try not to overthink it.

[Fruitee]

^ So I am probably just his plan B?

[Fruitee]

I really wanna ask him why now. But Im scared I will scare him off by coming too strong and needy and with low self respect. Even I think it is valid question.

[road]

^ So I am probably just his plan B?

 

 

No you are not his plan B.

 

 

Did you see the movie Harry Met Sally. The two main characters took the whole movie to realize they were meant to be after many years.

 

 

But the best part of the movie was the all the old couples (actors and actresses hired to play the parts) telling the stories how they met when young and did not find each other till many years later. Those were based on real life stories.

[266696687]

I really wanna ask him why now. But Im scared I will scare him off by coming too strong and needy and with low self respect. Even I think it is valid question.

 

No dont over think it or confront him as at this point you really don't know what his intentions are. Confronting him so early or making rash judgements won't work in your favour.

 

Why did you need to push him to make plans with you? Can you elaborate on how the comversation went?

 

Because you met him last time you had contact but didn't have sex he could just be trying a bit harder in order to get into your pants. Hence the date. He could have been expecting you to jump into bed with him that night because of the extra effort and attention he paid you. Did he show signs of expecting sex on your date even though you had told him you were not interested in FWB?

 

Sometimes getting reinvolved with someone you have quite a bit of messy sexual history with is a mistake because you make assumptions and the intentions aren't clear. You might be better off dating someone who you have no history with.

Edited March 9, 2016 by 266696687

[Fruitee]

The problem is if I dont ask him then it is difficult for me to take him seriously. Also it is hard for me to believe that he would like me.

 

Well he suggested two different days for our date and I asked him if he wanted to meet on that 2nd possible date day too. He said this morning he cant. So I said ok lets meet then after my holiday. Then he asked me when I am leaving and I asked him if he wanted to meet before that. He said we could meet. So I told him my only available dates for meeting him and he said something like lets see on that day. So I said no I wanna make plans now because its one of my free nights so if he cannot meet I will make other plans. So then he agreed.

[266696687]

The problem is if I dont ask him then it is difficult for me to take him seriously. Also it is hard for me to believe that he would like me.

 

Well he suggested two different days for our date and I asked him if he wanted to meet on that 2nd possible date day too. He said this morning he cant. So I said ok lets meet then after my holiday. Then he asked me when I am leaving and I asked him if he wanted to meet before that. He said we could meet. So I told him my only available dates for meeting him and he said something like lets see on that day. So I said no I wanna make plans now because its one of my free nights so if he cannot meet I will make other plans. So then he agreed.

 

Was he the one to initiate the date in the first place? Did he reach out and ask for another date or did you contact him and ask when he was free?

 

Yeah the "lets see on the day" is worrying shows a lack of commitment to the date. It's like well I can see you that day if something else doesn't come up in the meantime. Good for you for not putting up with the "lets see"

 

I think for your own benefit and the fact that you are spending a lot of time thinking about his intentions it might be wise to just forget this guy.

 

To me he just doesn't seem that interested in you. He isn't jumping at the opportunity to see you.

 

Have you considered doing some therapy to work on your self esteem? You come across as if you are being a little hard on yourself in general. Perhaps learning to be a bit kinder to yourself might help you.

Edited March 9, 2016 by 266696687

[Fruitee]

--

 

Because you met him last time you had contact but didn't have sex he could just be trying a bit harder in order to get into your pants. Hence the date. He could have been expecting you to jump into bed with him that night because of the extra effort and attention he paid you. Did he show signs of expecting sex on your date even though you had told him you were not interested in FWB?

 

Sometimes getting reinvolved with someone you have quite a bit of messy sexual history with is a mistake because you make assumptions and the intentions aren't clear. You might be better off dating someone who you have no history with.

 

Well before going out I said that he dont need to take me out in order to have sex. He still wanted to meet me. So he wasnt expecting sex before meeting me or during the date. We just had coffee and talked bs.

 

I have been going out on dates a lot lately and I dont have all my eggs in one basket so to say. So even if this dont work out its not big deal. At least I got my date which I always wanted.

[Fruitee]

Was he the one to initiate the date in the first place? Did he reach out and ask for another date or did you contact him and ask when he was free?

 

Yeah the "lets see on the day" is worrying shows a lack of commitment to the date. It's like well I can see you that day if something else doesn't come up in the meantime. Good for you for not putting up with the "lets see"

 

I think for your own benefit and the fact that you are spending a lot of time thinking about his intentions it might be wise to just forget this guy.

 

To me he just doesn't seem that interested in you. He isn't jumping at the opportunity to see you.

 

Have you considered doing some therapy to work on your self esteem? You come across as if you are being a little hard on yourself in general. Perhaps learning to be a bit kinder to yourself might help you.

 

First date he asked. Second one me. But I also decided that after that I wont ask him for 3rd one. I will just let him know when I am back in town after my holiday. Because that is normal.

 

 

I think in general it is difficult to get dates or people to commit to plans in advance. It seems to me always be like during the day to decide if meet or not. So I have basicly started to ignore those last minute things saying I have plans or not answering at all but on the next day. And said straight up if he wants to meet me then he needs to decide on the date because of my school and work and hobbies etc like in this case.

[266696687]

First date he asked. Second one me. But I also decided that after that I wont ask him for 3rd one. I will just let him know when I am back in town after my holiday. Because that is normal.

 

 

I think in general it is difficult to get dates or people to commit to plans in advance. It seems to me always be like during the day to decide if meet or not. So I have basicly started to ignore those last minute things saying I have plans or not answering at all but on the next day. And said straight up if he wants to meet me then he needs to decide on the date because of my school and work and hobbies etc like in this case.

 

Yeah I'm sorry I know this isn't what you want to hear but you should just let him go. He didn't follow up after the first date to get another and is now being flakey about the second date. "Let's see on the day."

 

If someone values you they will always commit to a plan or date in advance to ensure they get to see you.

 

I think you have had and still have a lot of feelings for this guy and are hoping for more from him this time but I'm not so sure his intentions will match up with what you want. By all means if you can see him without ending up in bed with him (make sure that doesn't happen until you are his girlfriend) continue to date him and hope for the best but be prepared that he has simply returned to see if you will give up some free sex.

 

Did you hear from him at all after the first date? Why did you reach out and ask for a second date? Was it because you hadn't heard from him at all? What made you chase after him?

Edited March 9, 2016 by 266696687