One year anniversary approaching..

[No_Go]

..and I am torn shall I call it quits with my BF before that.

 

Before people starting to tell me 'the relationship was doomed from the start', I'd appreciate objective views based on the information below and a few facts about me also listed below.

 

I need to decide within a month because of very practical issues (housing contracts), and I also don't want to drag the decision for too long because of emotional issues. If I may ask for practical advice: I want to have structured open discussion with him before making the final call.

 

In very short the ugly about him:

1) I don't see the relationship progressing (his idea for 'adult' life is 'hang-out and work-out', no long term planning in general, and if so - he's pretty much planning for himself only)

2) I don't think he's invested - I feel like he uses me as a tool to get social acceptance among his friends and family. On the other end he's running like a puppy to get acceptance of people he thinks are 'important' for him.

3) We're living together but it's clearly for his financial benefit (we split the bills of an apartment that he's incapable of paying himself... and his former roommate left)

4) I'm still not sure he's open to me about his history (his words" 'gaining trust slowly')

 

The good about him:

1) A lot of progress on things that I asked him to improve: cleared out debts in months (after keeping them for years...), start saving for retirement

2) Simplifies my life in terms of housework etc, responsible in that respect

3) Within this one year always stand behind what he promised, I never had the anxious feeling 'will he call/show up' like I had with exes

4) No obvious bad habits (addictions etc)

 

Some facts about me:

1) I'm very career-focused, and don't want major distractions in that respect

2) I'm not looking for romantic prince or fireworks, more for a stable sane person that I can have sustainable life and eventually kids and home

3) Main needs: non-small talk conversation, stability, future outlook

[AMJ]

If that's how you think he truly feels about you, then you already know the answer. Have you tried talking to him about this? Sounds like he listens to whatever things you have asked him to change. Maybe he can change the long-term "growing up" part too. Some guys just need to be told what to do.

[preraph]

He's become an albatross and you feel you'd be better unfettered. There is no good reason to put it off. It will only get harder to untangle if you do. You sound like a self-sufficient person who should do just fine on her own until you find the right match. If you can afford it and really want to get out of that living arrangement the quickest way, go find your own place (unless you're who's on the current lease), then instead of giving him 30 days' notice or whatever, give him rent for that month so he's got no financial issue to argue about, but go ahead and move out. That gives him a month to find a new roommate if he has to.

 

If you're on the lease but he isn't, give him rent for the first month for him to go find his own place and tell him to go on and get out of there.

[smackie9]

Cons out weigh the pros. He's not a bad person, he's just not what you are looking for in a partner. Nothing wrong with moving on and finding someone more suitable.

[No_Go]

You're right - he seems to be very responsive, but if and only if I spell out what my needs are explicitly. I hate doing so because I feel like his mom,not partner.

 

But in a recent conversation he even stated it: he's doing things depending on my responsiveness? All that I'm afraid is he'll do things to adapt to me and resent me in long term. Or I'm maybe projecting?

 

If that's how you think he truly feels about you, then you already know the answer. Have you tried talking to him about this? Sounds like he listens to whatever things you have asked him to change. Maybe he can change the long-term "growing up" part too. Some guys just need to be told what to do.

[jen1447]

Stop analyzing N_G!

 

Answer this as spontaneously and simply and quickly as possible - does he feel right or not?

[No_Go]

We're both on the lease. Since there are only 3 months left, he's fine as a roommate, and there is a spare bedroom, I feel like in any case we'll stay on the lease till the end. I said a month because within a month I / we need to start looking for a new place.

 

The annoying part (sounds selfish, sorry) I think I'd hardly find someone so uncomplicated / easy to live with... But an this outweigh the cons?

 

He's become an albatross and you feel you'd be better unfettered. There is no good reason to put it off. It will only get harder to untangle if you do. You sound like a self-sufficient person who should do just fine on her own until you find the right match. If you can afford it and really want to get out of that living arrangement the quickest way, go find your own place (unless you're who's on the current lease), then instead of giving him 30 days' notice or whatever, give him rent for that month so he's got no financial issue to argue about, but go ahead and move out. That gives him a month to find a new roommate if he has to.

 

If you're on the lease but he isn't, give him rent for the first month for him to go find his own place and tell him to go on and get out of there.

[AMJ]

You're right - he seems to be very responsive, but if and only if I spell out what my needs are explicitly. I hate doing so because I feel like his mom,not partner.

 

But in a recent conversation he even stated it: he's doing things depending on my responsiveness? All that I'm afraid is he'll do things to adapt to me and resent me in long term. Or I'm maybe projecting?

 

I don't think anyone can answer that one for you. It seems safe to say that, even if it's true that he'll change whenever you ask him to, he'll continue to do so. But then you'll always feel like his mother, and you'll resent him too. Some women love to be with a guy like this, and some feel like you- don't want to be a mother.

 

I don't really think you're projecting. But I think you should talk this all out with him, instead of us.

[No_Go]

Ha, I've tried this exercise and fail miserably - kind of depend on the moment (but frequency of no's is higher recently so... answer is probably there)

 

Stop analyzing N_G!

 

Answer this as spontaneously and simply and quickly as possible - does he feel right or not?

[No_Go]

I don't really think you're projecting. But I think you should talk this all out with him, instead of us.

 

That's the plan. I'm on the road so I'm just getting ready for a big talk upon return.

[jen1447]

Ha, I've tried this exercise and fail miserably - kind of depend on the moment (but frequency of no's is higher recently so... answer is probably there)

 

Ok, so in other words, not right. There you have it - that's all you need to know.

[smackie9]

He's like a puppy dog that you have trained to not piddle on the carpet. That isn't what having a relationship is about. It goes much further than easy to live with. You must have the same drive, goals, ideas, compatibility to have it last for the long haul. He is just a follower, I'm sure you would like a man that can take the lead in a direction you want to go in.

[No_Go]

I have to say I'd love to have the same drive, goals and ideas with someone, but my limited experience shows that with driven people I reach of point of 'competing' that somewhat impedes the relationship.

 

That's why I though a more laid-back person will not be a bad match... But in that case he should have taken a role of a follower and he's not doing this either (he's unfortunately too selfish for that)

 

He's like a puppy dog that you have trained to not piddle on the carpet. That isn't what having a relationship is about. It goes much further than easy to live with. You must have the same drive, goals, ideas, compatibility to have it last for the long haul. He is just a follower, I'm sure you would like a man that can take the lead in a direction you want to go in.

[No_Go]

Also just some clarifications:

- he's very anxious person (been in therapy for years(

- he has had minimal experience with dating prior to me for religious and personal reasons (his religious views are another collision point)

- he cried out recently 'men are not born with the knowledge how to be a good partner in a relationship', I appreciate his desire to improve, but also this lowered instantly my attraction levels (I find confidence in men magnetic, and I'd NEVER go ask to be 'treated' one way or another - it's his job to figure this out)

[Methodical]

You have reservations that have probably existed for awhile. This is a pivotal moment. Do you want to hunker down for another year (or however long your lease is for) when his long term goals don't seem to include you, especially when he doesn't seem invested, per se, but moreso what you can do for him?

 

You eventually want marriage, a house and kids. Bottomline, marriage is a lot of work. Ppl often become complacent and if you aren't happy now (and I mean happy, not just okay with the way things are in general bc he's a nice guy), it probably won't get much better. The pizzazz fizzles. You need to decide if you want a mediocre partner/relationship or if you are settling bc of past experiences.

[Versacehottie]

I have no reason to say this was doomed from the start. Here's what I will say based on the summation you gave above:

 

Those are not good reasons to continue a relationship with someone, marry them or have kids with them. Forget about his side for a moment, IMO you are way too rigid and way too objective. This is love and dating; you need to look for and find an emotional connection that will be the glue that holds you together when the logical and rational parts of life together don't work--no ONE is perfect so that is not a matter of IF it happens, only of WHEN. The rigidity is internal in you I believe.

 

About your guy, I feel like you TOLERATE him (marginally) for the sake your biological and life clock of where you want to be in life. This is a terrible reason for both of you to be together. There's no reason for any of us on the board to say you've been wrong for a year--that doesn't help in this current moment. BUT the information you've given and most of what people have been telling you and I would imagine will tell you on this thread is that you should choose a romantic life that fits you better and time to let this one go. I do agree, logically, that you need to decide right away due to your lease situation. As someone said above, you know the answer, just admit it to yourself. Most people here don't care about being right or wrong, after all it's your life. But if you want to be happy, a lot of us that have given you advice, think this is not the guy to choose.

 

*ps I don't think it's entirely him. I think you need to reshape some of your beliefs about relationships and approaches too but I think there is too much resentment and not enough good emotion between the two of you to keep this guy (who is not bad; you just don't fit together).

[No_Go]

Absolutely agree with your post - I did have reservations for a while, it is a pivotal moment, AND I know he'll not leave me because of all the benefits he's getting (not only money/living situation, he expressed that his family and friend finally started accepting him after he showed up with me on few events ; also his words: he just wanted a GF and his dating strategy was 'to find a woman that sticks around' - I'm perplexed why he'd tell me this even if the case?? It is demoralizing).

 

He is 'moldable', making me think that I can be happy with him, but indeed, right now I'm not. Basically the dilemma is - work with the material that I have now (him) for better life, or find a new material (partner) that would also probably require some work. What is more work: metaphorically starting with a bad piece of stone to craft a sculpture or going on a quest to find a near-ready one for the sculpture that I envision?

 

One thing is for sure: I'll NEVER be on another lease with him unless we have our priorities straightened.

 

 

You have reservations that have probably existed for awhile. This is a pivotal moment. Do you want to hunker down for another year (or however long your lease is for) when his long term goals don't seem to include you, especially when he doesn't seem invested, per se, but moreso what you can do for him?

 

You eventually want marriage, a house and kids. Bottomline, marriage is a lot of work. Ppl often become complacent and if you aren't happy now (and I mean happy, not just okay with the way things are in general bc he's a nice guy), it probably won't get much better. The pizzazz fizzles. You need to decide if you want a mediocre partner/relationship or if you are settling bc of past experiences.

[No_Go]

Versace, I used to be quite a romantic person - long story, but all that I received in that mode was mocking and disrespect. But that's an old story.

 

summing from your post:

1) he: not a bad guy but not good for me, I add: practical advantages make him stick with me

2) me: rigid (I agree with you), not exploring the romantic side of the relationship, life and biological clock make me stick with him

 

I do agree, logically, that you need to decide right away due to your lease situation. As someone said above, you know the answer, just admit it to yourself. True, I just want to give one more discussion as a chance since the financial ones that I discussed here before Christmas actually worked - I saw a lot of progress on his side.

 

But yeah ... The 'work-out and hang-out' universe where he lives let us being unable to discuss relationship priorities within a full year, that really makes me beyond resentful, plain angry to be honest.

 

I have no reason to say this was doomed from the start. Here's what I will say based on the summation you gave above:

 

Those are not good reasons to continue a relationship with someone, marry them or have kids with them. Forget about his side for a moment, IMO you are way too rigid and way too objective. This is love and dating; you need to look for and find an emotional connection that will be the glue that holds you together when the logical and rational parts of life together don't work--no ONE is perfect so that is not a matter of IF it happens, only of WHEN. The rigidity is internal in you I believe.

 

About your guy, I feel like you TOLERATE him (marginally) for the sake your biological and life clock of where you want to be in life. This is a terrible reason for both of you to be together. There's no reason for any of us on the board to say you've been wrong for a year--that doesn't help in this current moment. BUT the information you've given and most of what people have been telling you and I would imagine will tell you on this thread is that you should choose a romantic life that fits you better and time to let this one go. I do agree, logically, that you need to decide right away due to your lease situation. As someone said above, you know the answer, just admit it to yourself. Most people here don't care about being right or wrong, after all it's your life. But if you want to be happy, a lot of us that have given you advice, think this is not the guy to choose.

 

*ps I don't think it's entirely him. I think you need to reshape some of your beliefs about relationships and approaches too but I think there is too much resentment and not enough good emotion between the two of you to keep this guy (who is not bad; you just don't fit together).

[Gaeta]

The good about him:

1) A lot of progress on things that I asked him to improve: cleared out debts in months (after keeping them for years...), start saving for retirement

2) Simplifies my life in terms of housework etc, responsible in that respect

3) Within this one year always stand behind what he promised, I never had the anxious feeling 'will he call/show up' like I had with exes

4) No obvious bad habits (addictions etc)

 

I am amazed at how little good you have to tell about him.

 

Really it's like you are talking about a room-mate not a man meant to share your life with.

 

It's sad you are considering this life long relationship material.

[introverted1]

NG, IIRC, you are an INTJ, as I am. INTJs tend to let our rational minds rule, and find it hard to give over to emotion. One of the things I struggle with in relationships, and maybe you do, too, is a tendency to be analysing all the time, and to get stuck on small details rather than see the bigger picture.

 

Does this man love you? Does he demonstrate love for you?

[AMJ]

- he cried out recently 'men are not born with the knowledge how to be a good partner in a relationship', I appreciate his desire to improve, but also this lowered instantly my attraction levels (I find confidence in men magnetic, and I'd NEVER go ask to be 'treated' one way or another - it's his job to figure this out)

 

So interesting. Are any of us born with the knowledge how to be a good partner? Hopefully we are taught, by parents...and if not, hopefully we learn how along the way, trial and error. I feel bad for him that he wants to learn to be different but can't. My friend dumped the father of their child for the same reason. I feel bad for him too. He desperately wanted to marry her and be a good dad, but he just fails miserably every time she needs him to man up and be an adult. At some point people either learn how to be a grown-up or you just have to accept who he is, and decide whether or not he's the guy for you.

[preraph]

We're both on the lease. Since there are only 3 months left, he's fine as a roommate, and there is a spare bedroom, I feel like in any case we'll stay on the lease till the end. I said a month because within a month I / we need to start looking for a new place.

 

The annoying part (sounds selfish, sorry) I think I'd hardly find someone so uncomplicated / easy to live with... But an this outweigh the cons?

 

You can always find a less expensive place and live alone. I found that the easiest thing in the long run myself.

[No_Go]

Live with I meant live as relationship partners.

 

I'm wayyy better with money and money management than him so sharing living space with him actually burdens me financially and benefits just him.

 

I referred to the other benefits of living with a relationship partner - like having someone to share your daily life with.

 

You can always find a less expensive place and live alone. I found that the easiest thing in the long run myself.

[No_Go]

I feel bad for him too. I'm almost afraid I stayed with him so long out of pity for his efforts. But! I feel like he actively runs away from growing up - e.g. trying to recreate hobbies and stuff that made him happy in his youth. But come on, he's 38 already... will be 40 in less than 2 short years...

 

 

So interesting. Are any of us born with the knowledge how to be a good partner? Hopefully we are taught, by parents...and if not, hopefully we learn how along the way, trial and error. I feel bad for him that he wants to learn to be different but can't. My friend dumped the father of their child for the same reason. I feel bad for him too. He desperately wanted to marry her and be a good dad, but he just fails miserably every time she needs him to man up and be an adult. At some point people either learn how to be a grown-up or you just have to accept who he is, and decide whether or not he's the guy for you.

[No_Go]

I wrote a whole paragraph that I'm NOT interested in butterflies type of love / partner. I just wanted to put the things that I care about straight.

 

How would you define non-romantic positives in your partner?

 

I am amazed at how little good you have to tell about him.

 

Really it's like you are talking about a room-mate not a man meant to share your life with.

 

It's sad you are considering this life long relationship material.