Gaeta Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Soon we will hit our 3 month dating mark. I have nothing to complain about, which doesn't happen often . He's an adorable man and he does everything right. Although all of his actions indicate he's in this relationship both feet in, I don't feel 'secure'. In the back of my mind It's like I am always on an orange alert, ready to be abandoned or ready do flee the scene. How long did it take for you to feel secure in your relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmissjava Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 For me, three to six was when I felt most secure. It fluctuated though as I soon got to know the real him and a year later, he is now known as my favorite mistake. Lol You're doing fine Gaeta, enjoy the ride. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 For me with current boyfriend-very quickly. I can honestly say I never felt so safe and comfortable with any guy so early on. My instincts told me I could trust him. The circumstances are a bit different though in that (apart from his actions) he comes from a very good area not far from me-so an excellent background with professional parents similar to my own. I know we can be very class conscious here! What I mean is I don't know how I'd be with a guy like yours who's a recent immigrant-probably a bit more wary! I do wonder though how much of your current feelings can be attributed to your post experiences? Totally understandable. I read where you've been ghosted before for instance so I think it's not such a bad idea to be on 'alert' until things pan out a bit more. Anyway, I hope things continue to go well and best of luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 About a month. But he did everything right from day 1 and I at least never doubted his interest level.... When overseas after 1 month of dating, we were just so close and fell so hard that, although these kind of relationships don't usually last, I has ridiculously secure on that trip....the 500 he wired to me after just 1 month because he wanted me to have a good time overseas. .... the daily love notes on Facebook. .... the surprise luxury hotel he booked the day I flew back despite his low wage..... So while I am never complacent and realise it may end one day, despite how right it's always felt........I definitely felt secure after week two and the overseas trip solidified it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Are there any sings you're unclear or unsure of regarding what makes you in limbo about your security level? Link to post Share on other sites
Claire 1 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I.m not exactly sure but about 3 months. Remember though every one is different and each relationship is different and unique. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Well, one guy I dated for only six weeks, but I never actually felt insecure with him at all. My most recent ex on the other hand, the one I dated a year, I didn't ever feel fully secure with him. So, I think it really depends. I would tell you just to soldier on, Gaeta, because I don't want you to worry, but having experienced the difference myself, I don't know if this is something to disregard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Thinking back over the relationships I have had the healthy ones I have I never felt 100% secure. It kept me and him both on our toes which meant we both knew we had to do things to keep and hold those good relationships. The relationships where I felt secure very soon - like a month/six months in were the relationships which ended up being controlling (one ended up abusive) or trophy on arm type relationships. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted February 20, 2016 Author Share Posted February 20, 2016 Are there any sings you're unclear or unsure of regarding what makes you in limbo about your security level? I am sure 100% it comes from within me. Last night I was talking to my daughter and jokingly said to her I think I suffer from online-dating Post Traumatic syndrome. We had a good laugh but seriously I got ghosted, flaked, faded too many times. Also he has been offering me a couple of times to go on a road trip to visit my parents, they live 10 hours away. I'd love to but if he ghost after meeting my parents I will hunt him down and rip his head off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newheart Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 I am sure 100% it comes from within me. Last night I was talking to my daughter and jokingly said to her I think I suffer from online-dating Post Traumatic syndrome. We had a good laugh but seriously I got ghosted, flaked, faded too many times. Also he has been offering me a couple of times to go on a road trip to visit my parents, they live 10 hours away. I'd love to but if he ghost after meeting my parents I will hunt him down and rip his head off. I'd bet this is triggering some of your contemplation of this the topic because it is a big move. I suffer from a bit (or a ton, lol) of relationship anxiety and abandonment issues, and every time I had a big event (meeting family, becoming intimate, etc.), it would affect me this way. I am not a great guideline on this because of my aforementioned issues, however, I am 4.5 months in and feeling more secure (albeit not 100%, but not sure that I ever will). If it helps to think of it this way, in a way, it is a wonderful sign (for me at least) that I have this insecurity - it means I truly care for this person and I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and open to a relationship with him, which is hard to do! In past relationships, control (on my part) had been a factor because I couldn't stand the feeling of insecurity. I have to allow myself to experience the discomfort of not being in control, which means for me, I am heading into a healthier relationship than those in the past. I think that for those of us whose past sometimes casts a shadow into the present, taking it day by day, communicating and building a trusting bond will gradually fade that insecurity. GO ON THE ROAD TRIP! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 This is an interesting question because in trying to answer it I realize all the varied levels of "security" I've experienced. He did all the right things starting on day one. Even as I felt strangely serene about our new relationship, there was always a gnawing fear in my gut that it just couldn't work out---I was so happy, he was so happy, things couldn't possibly go this well, one of us was going to get cancer or get hit by a bus any day now. I know I felt more secure when all of his words consistently lined up with his actions. He talked about the future, treated me like a queen, and always made good on his word. He typically works long hours, but was able to get out early one night to meet me at a very popular restaurant that doesn't take reservations. It was an extremely romantic date and I was touched that he'd managed to make it work just because I wanted it. His schedule isn't flexible at all so it meant a lot. After about six months with still no bus or cancer to be found, I felt significantly more secure. It was probably a combination of him doing all the right things and the day-to-day evidence that pointed towards our being able to go the distance: not only were we passionately crazy about each other, we also treated each other with respect and dealt with our differences in a thoughtful way. I'm not sure if I felt completely secure the way I do now until after a little fight. (We'd had more major dust-ups before, but even those weren't quite fights so much as just serious discussions where we held very contrary opinions.) Anyway, we'd squabbled about something dumb, and I felt guilty about it. It was clearly bothering me even though he was already over it. He just looked at me and said "I'm going to marry you and we're going to spend the rest of our lives together. You really think I'd be upset about this?" That did it. It wasn't the marriage comment, as we'd discussed it plenty before. It was just the realization that we really do plan to have each other's backs forever. There will no doubt be lots of ups and downs and times where we just don't agree, but that's fine. We're playing the long game. tl;dr maybe security is a spectrum, and no doubt we move along in the course of our relationships...hopefully in one direction! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 . I'd love to but if he ghost after meeting my parents I will hunt him down and rip his head off. LOL You do that girl! Seriously though it's natural to be wary given all that's gone on before. Correct me if I'm wrong but he is French recently moved to Canada? Have you met many of his friends, (if any of course given his recent arrival) so far? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 You liked my post and I didn't think you would. If you recognise in your relationships what I said then, well, I think you may be onto a good thing here! I will say, 3 months, road trip to meet your folks....? You instinctively think it's too soon so let him know that and just see how you feel at six months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 LOL You do that girl! Seriously though it's natural to be wary given all that's gone on before. Correct me if I'm wrong but he is French recently moved to Canada? Have you met many of his friends, (if any of course given his recent arrival) so far? Yes he's been in Canada 1 year now. He has a few friends here, that have established here before he did. I have not met them yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 You liked my post and I didn't think you would. If you recognise in your relationships what I said then, well, I think you may be onto a good thing here! I will say, 3 months, road trip to meet your folks....? You instinctively think it's too soon so let him know that and just see how you feel at six months. We went for a visit to one of my brothers this weekend. It went really well. My brother and his wife really liked him. My brother spoke to me in private before. He said I need to relax, at 50 I can bring over a man I date and no one will expect us to marry. I'm too rigid. I don't need to be in a full blown committed relationship to bring someone along. When he met his wife about 8 years ago he took her on a road trip to meet our entire family, they had just been dating 4 weeks. We had a really nice weekend. I think I am working toward gaining a little more security. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmissjava Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 We had a really nice weekend. I think I am working toward gaining a little more security. I have always maintained that there are no rules in dating to strictly adhere to, everyone is different and every relationship is different. If it feels okay, why not? Any reservations or apprehension will come from within so if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. It's okay to start letting yourself feel secure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) I am sure 100% it comes from within me. Last night I was talking to my daughter and jokingly said to her I think I suffer from online-dating Post Traumatic syndrome. We had a good laugh but seriously I got ghosted, flaked, faded too many times. Also he has been offering me a couple of times to go on a road trip to visit my parents, they live 10 hours away. I'd love to but if he ghost after meeting my parents I will hunt him down and rip his head off. Gaeta, I'd wait until you were feeling more secure and feeling as though the relationship had good legs under it. Introducing family to new dating partners sometimes causes unintended consequences. If there is some issue that either the partner or the family has with the partner, say they don't like them, etc. there is undue pressure on the developing relationship. Parents/siblings can be influential one way or the other. If the relationship has good legs, the outside influences don't affect it. The other reason for not doing that so soon is the development of attachments to those other people surrounding the relationship. If it ends, you/the partner have an even more difficult time moving on because they are not only saying goodbye to the dating partner they are saying goodbye to those people as well. It's ok to introduce them, have dinner, etc., but I wouldn't drive 10 hours, stay with them a couple of days at this point. Edited February 22, 2016 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 Gaeta, I'd wait until you were feeling more secure and feeling as though the relationship had good legs under it. Introducing family to new dating partners sometimes causes unintended consequences. If there is some issue that either the partner or the family has with the partner, say they don't like them, etc. there is undue pressure on the developing relationship. Parents/siblings can be influential one way or the other. If the relationship has good legs, the outside influences don't affect it. The other reason for not doing that so soon is the development of attachments to those other people surrounding the relationship. If it ends, you/the partner have an even more difficult time moving on because they are not only saying goodbye to the dating partner they are saying goodbye to those people as well. It's ok to introduce them, have dinner, etc., but I wouldn't drive 10 hours, stay with them a couple of days at this point. I am not worried about any of that. If my family do not like a man I am dating I want to know why. If they feel he's not treating me right I want to know, if they feel he's taking advantage of me, I want to know. My family has my back. They have no hidden agenda, they want my happiness above all. As for getting attached, I understand it's hard to say good bye to your partner's kids, siblings and parents but that type of attachment develops over time. I doubt because we go spend 2 days over at my parent he'll get attached or they'll get attached. If we go it will be end of March, we'll be at 4 months then. At our age we don't need dating a year. We know when we're in something good. I don't know where this relationship is heading but I know it's good, it's loving, peaceful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Have you had the relationship talk? If not Could this be the reason you are insecure? If you already talked about it then I'd say you suffer OLD traumar for sure lol I'm going to hit the 3 month mark soon and I'm probably 90% secure if I think about it. But most of the time I don't really think about it at all Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Age has nothing to do with it. It still takes a while to get to know a person and some become better at hiding who they are. Older isn't necessarily wiser. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 Have you had the relationship talk? If not Could this be the reason you are insecure? If you already talked about it then I'd say you suffer OLD traumar for sure lol I'm going to hit the 3 month mark soon and I'm probably 90% secure if I think about it. But most of the time I don't really think about it at all Yes we had the talk about 1 month in. I think it's from online dating and also my last serious boyfriend disappeared without a word after 6 months. Even if it's been 2 years now it's still in the back of my mind that men can just up and go with no warning, in the middle of what you think is a loving relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I can understand the anxiety. In last relationship I went through that was exclusive and serious I was ghosted right after ILYs. So with my current BF I had some anxiety that I never let him know about. It hit especially hard when current BF and I were around that same time period as the last guy who ghosted me. The thing is he's always treated me well and kept his word. Lately he's been wanting to take on more and more in my life and know he wants to be there for me. So I've been trying to be very careful not to make him feel any of that baggage. There is a passage from a book (Temptations of a Single Girl) I've read that helps me. The idea behind it is that you can't control the outcome. You can only bring your part of the relationship, hope he bring his part, and let the chips fall where they will. The passage is basically stuff like 'he may be with me a long time or short time' And it ends with 'over any of this I have no control'. It's a hard idea to follow through sometimes but you can't control or know the outcome. You just have to be authentic, let the chips fall, and enjoy the experience. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 Age has nothing to do with it. It still takes a while to get to know a person and some become better at hiding who they are. Older isn't necessarily wiser. I know, I also know if someone wants to hide something from me, he will, and can do it for a long time. I was with a man for 4 years, he cheated on me the 4 years we were together. He hid it well. I cannot live my life with the thought that all men out there are out to mislead me. At some point I have to put my trust in someone and take a risk. Slowly starting to introduce a man I have been dating 3 months to family and friends isn't a big risk taking. We're all adults. I live alone, my daughter is adult. His children are adults. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 For me, it depends on the man and his personality. I've learned a lot about myself through dating and certain things that I need to feel fairly secure in a relationship. This will make me sound vain but I always need kind words and to be encouraged and affirmed through compliments. I also need a guy who's touchy feely and reasonably open to having emotional conversations (sounds intense but i don't mean something major, just a guy who's not a brick wall when I want to raise an important but tricky issue). I like to know the guy is thinking of me - don't need to chat 24/7 but a quick goodnight phone call (love phone calls, hate texting) does the job. Just need to find that guy who has those qualities. I have felt insecure in the past around men who are too cocky, unwilling to freely share their thoughts with me and who avoid romantic conversations, aren't good listeners when I have a problem and don't ever initiate physical affection. Link to post Share on other sites
chopsticky Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 In my two most serious relationships, in one I was secure right from the start, and in another at about the 6-mo mark. The former was just a feeling type thing, and the latter was because he really did everything right and proved himself. In my current relationship, I am not sure. It has been almost a year and lately it's like every time I start to feel secure, he pulls the rug right from under me Link to post Share on other sites
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