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Struggling with feeling no connection to men I date


Eternal Sunshine

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Eternal Sunshine

I have been trying to date more lately (most are OLD or bar pick-ups) but I don't feel anything for them. It's like going through the motions with no spark. I could care less if I never saw them again (in fact I often feel relieved). It's hard to even have any criteria for chemistry/spark since I feel this is unrealistic. I am trying to weed them out by objective criteria i.e. I date them if I am not unattracted and evaluate their behavior.

 

Last time I really liked a guy was about 3 years ago. There are currently men that I could like/feel a spark for but none of them are single so I stop myself from developing any feelings. I have outgrown unrequited and impossible crushes.

 

I just feel so depressed and forced to chose between 2 options: stay single and lonely or date someone I am "meh" about. I have been alternating between the two but I am not sure which is worse.

 

I have no idea what to do. "Meeting someone when I least expect it" or "Just living my life" has never worked for me. I have to work hard at meeting viable options or it doesn't happen. I can't even remember one chance meeting/work or school scenario that led to anything. I get sleazy men that approach me in public blatantly trying to have ONSs. I get 20 years older married men at work hitting on me.

 

I don't understand why this is such hard work for me. It's hard to lower my standards (if that is the problem) where my standards are just to feel something :/

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Just keep trying until you meet someone that makes you feel happy to be around them. It may take a while, but that is ok. You only need to find one...

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I am kind of similar to you. I have been online dating for over 6 years and have had more first dates than I can count. Of those, I have basically felt a spark on date one with maybe four people? It just doesn't seem to be how I operate - I need to get to know someone a little better before I get excited about them. And almost always the guys I do spark with are not a good choice for me anyway, and set off all my anxiety.

 

So more recently I decided to focus on qualities and values rather than spark. I am dating a guy now who I likely would have turned down in the past. I nearly said no to a second date with him because I just wasn't sure I could see myself kissing him. And he didn't look like the type of guy I had picture myself with (although he is very cute!) But then when I evaluated who he is, and the information he had shared on the date, I couldn't see a single red flag beside missing chemistry. So we went on another date, then another and while I still wasn't sure about the chemistry, our commonalities just kept growing in an almost eerie way.

 

Now we have been dating almost six weeks, and in the past week or so our chemistry just exploded. I can't stop thinking about him, I want to see him all the time and the sexual chemistry is the best I have had. I can't believe this could grow out of such a lukewarm start. I have no idea about what the future holds, but this is the first guy I have dated (ever) who I have been this excited about. And the best part is he makes me feel so secure - I have never felt a moment of anxiety about how he feels or how interested he is.

 

This is a long story to say, great things can grow out of something mild. But you have to be in the right frame of mind. So maybe take a break from dating, do some work on yourself and why you are not connecting with men and then get back out there when you feel ready to be open to someone.

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Ever heard the line be happy with yourself before you can be happy with others? Sounds to me like you are putting all your happiness eggs into one basket and that basket has to belong to a suitable guy. If that's the case, you're never going to find the perfect guy as he needs to tick far too many boxes. We're only human after all (well, mostly human, depends on the weather).

 

 

You say you're lonely without a boyfriend... really? So no friends then? I've been single for a long time (mostly by choice, honest) and although I am alone, I wouldn't class myself as lonely. I don't feel I need a partner to make me happy either. I can be happy doing whatever I want and with whoever I want. I've fallen in love and have been hurt, and seen that happiness been linked to another so that when they've gone I've felt that I'll never be happy again. Maybe that's what you're going through? If you can only think you were truly happy when you were last dating, then you're linking the two and are desperate to meet someone who will bring that happiness back... but of course, he's got a lot of boxes to tick.

 

 

I'd say try and find some inner happiness first. Do whatever you wanted to do but never did before. You're currently single, but that could change anytime, so go party like it's 1999 (which could be a struggle as everyone will be expecting an invite via social media but they didn't exist back then).

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I have been thinking about this just today for that matter.

 

That women, if they want to have a quality husband, have to meet him when they are between 16 - and no latter than 25. And that is even pushing it.

 

Yes, there are women that meet the love of their lives at 60, but that is the exeption of the rule and almost a miracle.

 

Example: There was a classmate of mine in high shool. This guy was top of the class always, had passed every grade in elementary school with Outstanding, carried the National flag, and in HS it was no different. He was an honor student, getting top marks, and eventually went to the University and became a Civil Engineer.

 

Now the characteristics of this guy were: He was serious, he was driven, he was proper, he was intelligent. I remember one of my friends went to study with him and was surprised to tell me that he looked like an old man: wearing sleepers and geeky clothes. That is, not into fads, fashion, and so on.

 

Well, he met the love of his life while in HS, got married, have been together for over 30 years, and they have 7 children! I saw them once in church and talked to them, the wife was gracious and they seemed very close.

 

Now, I cannot imagine a guy like this, "single and available" at 37. Ever!

 

Well, look at Elon Musk. I mean, this guy is crazy! Blow my mind! Wow!

 

And today I was reading an interview with his first wife (link). It said: "I was an aspiring writer in my first year at Queen's University in Ontario, Canada" "Elon wasn't like that. A fellow student a year ahead of me, he was a clean-cut, upper-class boy with a South African accent who appeared in front of me one afternoon as I was leaping up the steps to my dorm." "he had noticed me from across the common room and decided he wanted to meet me.) He invited me out for ice cream. I said yes, but then blew him off with a note on my dorm-room door. Several hours later, my head bent over my Spanish text in an overheated room in the student center, I heard a polite cough behind me. Elon was smiling awkwardly, two chocolate-chip ice cream cones dripping down his hands."

 

So basically, this girl was probably 18, in her first year of colllege, the girl next door living in a dorm, and met Elon! They married a few years later when he was in his 20s and had 5 children.

 

Well, it didn´t work out and they got divorced and he became available you can say! But then he went on to marry a 22 year-old gorgeous and famous British actress!

 

Ok, not everyone is Elon Musk, but even if a guy like that becomes available they´ll be out of your league at 30.

 

Bells and whistles for women means: Responsible, successful, driven, intelligent, with good character, and family oriented.

 

Finding this man, single and available after you are 30 is close to a miracle. What is left for a women after 30 is the bottom of the barrel: Men who do not want to commit, or are lazy, with addictions, etc.

 

It is true that "all the good ones are taken", unless they are not taken, which is when women are 15 to 24. My take.

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I am kind of similar to you. I have been online dating for over 6 years and have had more first dates than I can count. Of those, I have basically felt a spark on date one with maybe four people? It just doesn't seem to be how I operate - I need to get to know someone a little better before I get excited about them. And almost always the guys I do spark with are not a good choice for me anyway, and set off all my anxiety.

 

So more recently I decided to focus on qualities and values rather than spark. I am dating a guy now who I likely would have turned down in the past. I nearly said no to a second date with him because I just wasn't sure I could see myself kissing him. And he didn't look like the type of guy I had picture myself with (although he is very cute!) But then when I evaluated who he is, and the information he had shared on the date, I couldn't see a single red flag beside missing chemistry. So we went on another date, then another and while I still wasn't sure about the chemistry, our commonalities just kept growing in an almost eerie way.

 

Now we have been dating almost six weeks, and in the past week or so our chemistry just exploded. I can't stop thinking about him, I want to see him all the time and the sexual chemistry is the best I have had. I can't believe this could grow out of such a lukewarm start. I have no idea about what the future holds, but this is the first guy I have dated (ever) who I have been this excited about. And the best part is he makes me feel so secure - I have never felt a moment of anxiety about how he feels or how interested he is.

 

This is a long story to say, great things can grow out of something mild. But you have to be in the right frame of mind. So maybe take a break from dating, do some work on yourself and why you are not connecting with men and then get back out there when you feel ready to be open to someone.

This is exactly my story, word for word and the timeline matches as well, for when the flame started. Now we are happy and engaged (1 year and 8 months dating). I can honestly say that I've never been happier in my life, ever. I am 44 years old.

 

I can't say that this would work for everyone or that it would work for ES though. It worked for me, that's how my personality is, take a while to get started with men. Always have. And I never jump with both feet in, don't choose based on first sight chemistry and I am very cautious, but very open to give in a relationship. I think that mindset helped me not think that I should "get" x and y and z, as long as values and character, together with other commonalities are there. I value kindness first, and everything else ranks after.

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AverageJoe1986
I have been thinking about this just today for that matter.

 

That women, if they want to have a quality husband, have to meet him when they are between 16 - and no latter than 25. And that is even pushing it.

 

Yes, there are women that meet the love of their lives at 60, but that is the exeption of the rule and almost a miracle.

 

Example: There was a classmate of mine in high shool. This guy was top of the class always, had passed every grade in elementary school with Outstanding, carried the National flag, and in HS it was no different. He was an honor student, getting top marks, and eventually went to the University and became a Civil Engineer.

 

Now the characteristics of this guy were: He was serious, he was driven, he was proper, he was intelligent. I remember one of my friends went to study with him and was surprised to tell me that he looked like an old man: wearing sleepers and geeky clothes. That is, not into fads, fashion, and so on.

 

Well, he met the love of his life while in HS, got married, have been together for over 30 years, and they have 7 children! I saw them once in church and talked to them, the wife was gracious and they seemed very close.

 

Now, I cannot imagine a guy like this, "single and available" at 37. Ever!

 

Well, look at Elon Musk. I mean, this guy is crazy! Blow my mind! Wow!

 

And today I was reading an interview with his first wife (link). It said: "I was an aspiring writer in my first year at Queen's University in Ontario, Canada" "Elon wasn't like that. A fellow student a year ahead of me, he was a clean-cut, upper-class boy with a South African accent who appeared in front of me one afternoon as I was leaping up the steps to my dorm." "he had noticed me from across the common room and decided he wanted to meet me.) He invited me out for ice cream. I said yes, but then blew him off with a note on my dorm-room door. Several hours later, my head bent over my Spanish text in an overheated room in the student center, I heard a polite cough behind me. Elon was smiling awkwardly, two chocolate-chip ice cream cones dripping down his hands."

 

So basically, this girl was probably 18, in her first year of colllege, the girl next door living in a dorm, and met Elon! They married a few years later when he was in his 20s and had 5 children.

 

Well, it didn´t work out and they got divorced and he became available you can say! But then he went on to marry a 22 year-old gorgeous and famous British actress!

 

Ok, not everyone is Elon Musk, but even if a guy like that becomes available they´ll be out of your league at 30.

 

Bells and whistles for women means: Responsible, successful, driven, intelligent, with good character, and family oriented.

 

Finding this man, single and available after you are 30 is close to a miracle. What is left for a women after 30 is the bottom of the barrel: Men who do not want to commit, or are lazy, with addictions, etc.

 

It is true that "all the good ones are taken", unless they are not taken, which is when women are 15 to 24. My take.

 

 

I need to stop flicking between this site and Jane Austen on my Kindle. I'm confusing the two...:confused:

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Last time I really liked a guy was about 3 years ago. There are currently men that I could like/feel a spark for but none of them are single so I stop myself from developing any feelings. I have outgrown unrequited and impossible crushes.

 

How often over the years have you felt spark for an available man?

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One story: A friend of our family is a 68-year-old widower. He´s been single for a while, but now we learned that he is in a serious relationship.

 

Now for the positives: The man has the gift of wit and good conversation. He´ll have lots of anecdotes and will make it fun to listen as he is charming with his narrations. He also has a lot of practical knowledge about different things.

 

Physical attraction: He doesn´t look like an old man, but a well preserved 60 year old with little wrinkles, a full head of hair, slim body, so I guess for his age group he looks attractive.

 

Financial: He is retired (as a police officer), has a comfortable living without being wealthy, and he lives in a a modest house in a small town.

 

Now, the woman that he is dating is 43! 25 years his junior!

 

My mother met her and said that even though she is not beautiful, she is not ugly either, maybe average, and that she has a slim body. She is also very industrious and has her own catering business!

 

So, if you are in your late 40s, in shape, and look ok, you´ll have to start looking at the 70s group and maybe your be successful with an average guy. Nothing too special, but at least a partner if that´s what you want.

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This is exactly my story, word for word and the timeline matches as well, for when the flame started. Now we are happy and engaged (1 year and 8 months dating). I can honestly say that I've never been happier in my life, ever. I am 44 years old.

 

I can't say that this would work for everyone or that it would work for ES though. It worked for me, that's how my personality is, take a while to get started with men. Always have. And I never jump with both feet in, don't choose based on first sight chemistry and I am very cautious, but very open to give in a relationship. I think that mindset helped me not think that I should "get" x and y and z, as long as values and character, together with other commonalities are there. I value kindness first, and everything else ranks after.

 

Aww congrats to you!

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Hey, here's an idea, why not try for longer that one date!!!

 

Seriously, you're all of fin fantasy romance-novel land where the meeting the man is this amazing event with white horses and doves.

 

Ask couples who met through "normal" circumstances, did they just instantly click, or did if take time to get to know each other before they ssaw the attraction.

Most likely the latter!

In fact, those few exceptions are talked about with some sense of wonder "Oh, it was love at first sight"

Why...?

Because it doesn't happen that way.

 

I'm frankly sick of woman who expect to hear a church choir when their date arrives, and get disappointed he's just a normal mortal man.

 

Try dating every single guy who is pleasant, and passes some basic criteria, at least three times before passing them off.

 

Wow, no wonder you're alone and lonely...sheesh!!

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LookAtThisPOst
I am kind of similar to you. I have been online dating for over 6 years and have had more first dates than I can count. Of those, I have basically felt a spark on date one with maybe four people? It just doesn't seem to be how I operate - I need to get to know someone a little better before I get excited about them. And almost always the guys I do spark with are not a good choice for me anyway, and set off all my anxiety.

 

So more recently I decided to focus on qualities and values rather than spark. I am dating a guy now who I likely would have turned down in the past. I nearly said no to a second date with him because I just wasn't sure I could see myself kissing him. And he didn't look like the type of guy I had picture myself with (although he is very cute!) But then when I evaluated who he is, and the information he had shared on the date, I couldn't see a single red flag beside missing chemistry. So we went on another date, then another and while I still wasn't sure about the chemistry, our commonalities just kept growing in an almost eerie way.

 

Now we have been dating almost six weeks, and in the past week or so our chemistry just exploded. I can't stop thinking about him, I want to see him all the time and the sexual chemistry is the best I have had. I can't believe this could grow out of such a lukewarm start. I have no idea about what the future holds, but this is the first guy I have dated (ever) who I have been this excited about. And the best part is he makes me feel so secure - I have never felt a moment of anxiety about how he feels or how interested he is.

 

This is a long story to say, great things can grow out of something mild. But you have to be in the right frame of mind. So maybe take a break from dating, do some work on yourself and why you are not connecting with men and then get back out there when you feel ready to be open to someone.

 

That's part of my problem, most women don't give it time and soley rely on "spark" and hardly do what you did with this man. I wish more women gave a man shot in the same fashion that you did. :)

 

Congrats and kudos to you!

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How many dates you give a man before deciding you don't have a connection?

 

Don't be those women who think love happens like in an old harlequin love novel.

 

Pick a man that has the qualities your are looking for in a mate and spend a bit of time getting to know him.

 

When l met my boyfriend it took me 3 dates to develop attraction and from there every day l get more interested, curious and endeared by him. My feeling for him are growing every day. I am so glad l did not pass on him like l had planned. He turned out to be an adorable man l can't get enough of.

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I have been trying to date more lately (most are OLD or bar pick-ups) but I don't feel anything for them. It's like going through the motions with no spark. I could care less if I never saw them again (in fact I often feel relieved). It's hard to even have any criteria for chemistry/spark since I feel this is unrealistic. I am trying to weed them out by objective criteria i.e. I date them if I am not unattracted and evaluate their behavior.

 

Last time I really liked a guy was about 3 years ago. There are currently men that I could like/feel a spark for but none of them are single so I stop myself from developing any feelings. I have outgrown unrequited and impossible crushes.

 

I just feel so depressed and forced to chose between 2 options: stay single and lonely or date someone I am "meh" about. I have been alternating between the two but I am not sure which is worse.

 

I have no idea what to do. "Meeting someone when I least expect it" or "Just living my life" has never worked for me. I have to work hard at meeting viable options or it doesn't happen. I can't even remember one chance meeting/work or school scenario that led to anything. I get sleazy men that approach me in public blatantly trying to have ONSs. I get 20 years older married men at work hitting on me.

 

I don't understand why this is such hard work for me. It's hard to lower my standards (if that is the problem) where my standards are just to feel something :/

 

It's hard to even have any criteria for chemistry/spark -- If you are attempting to have "criteria" for chemistry, what you are actually doing is creating "emotional myopia". When you are more or less holding back on that level (which isn't entirely a bad thing up to a point) and operating more on a logical level in terms of "standards" -- sleazy guys, operating on perceptions, etc., you aren't fully engaging socially with men, at least.

 

You need to allow some emotion balanced against logic in order to give it chance. For whatever, reason, you've kinda shut off that ability to connect. And, sure, there are some guys you'd meet that just plain turn ya off. But, for you, if a guy you're just feeling a little Meh about asks you out, I'd give it a few dates to get comfortable and see a little more. I'm just saying, since you're feeling the way you do, you may be "discounting" guys too quickly. Give some of them a chance. The truth is that there are some exaggerated expectations regarding "chemistry". Some people just need a little more time for that chemistry to start bubbling up.

 

Having said all that, the statement you made and I've highlighted below should be reversed and are not mutually exclusive:

 

"Meeting someone when I least expect it" or "Just living my life" -- IMO

 

You should just live your life and you will likely meet someone when you least expect it. It's not either or. Don't think about it so much. If you're at the bar and a guy starts talking to you, you already have kind of a "blocker" automatically engaged -- Eh, these things never go anywhere, why bother?" You shut off, maybe tense up a little (in fact I often feel relieved).

 

Unless they are complete and utter turn offs or jerks, what have you, give it a chance. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

But, if I were you and feeling the way you are right now, I'd stop focusing or thinking about finding someone for a while. Take yourself out of the game all together for a bit to recharge your batteries.

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I am sure you are right, for the most part. As a man, this has been much of my experience with the single women post 30 as well. Most of the best partners get taken early on, and stay that way indefinitely. Many of the single women 30 and up are broken and undateable.

 

I doubt this is true.

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Just curious. I'm 28. Why is that not true but the reverse is true?

 

Who said the reverse is true? :confused: I didn't. Not for women, or men.

 

I doubt ES wants this to turn into another gender war.

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Finding this man, single and available after you are 30 is close to a miracle. What is left for a women after 30 is the bottom of the barrel: Men who do not want to commit, or are lazy, with addictions, etc.

 

It is true that "all the good ones are taken", unless they are not taken, which is when women are 15 to 24. My take.

 

Oh no, I'm doomed. I'll be single and lonely forever. Dammit.

Guess it's time to give up.

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IMO, since no bio clock ticking, simply date if/when you feel like it, accept whatever results and go from there. If the date was fun but no connection, OK. If tedious, that. If the guy was lying and ended up being married, that. If things go well on one date and you both want to show up again, do that. If you want to have sex, do that. If not, do that. Simplify.

 

If you feel lonely that's OK too. You can learn techniques to enjoy being alone or spend time with family and friends, or flirt and banter with men without regard to any results. Enjoy the moment. Don't worry about their relationship status. Take each moment for the value it contains. It doesn't have to lead to anything. In fact, sometimes it's healthy that it doesn't. You have the power to choose.

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I am sure you are right, for the most part. As a man, this has been much of my experience with the single women post 30 as well. Most of the best partners get taken early on, and stay that way indefinitely. Many of the single women 30 and up are broken and undateable.

 

Every guy I've dated over 30 has plenty of crazy baggage as well. It's called life experience, it doesn't mean that we are broken.

 

Look, sure, there are people who get lucky and find their true love early in life. Some of these people stay together for the long haul- which is great! But some of these people grow apart, because they married too young. People who are single after 30 are not broken or hopeless.

 

I know plenty of independent, successful, wonderful single women in their 30s who simply put their own lives first and focused on things other than snagging a husband in their 20s. Finding marriage material after 30 does exist, it's not a myth.

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I have been thinking about this just today for that matter.

 

That women, if they want to have a quality husband, have to meet him when they are between 16 - and no latter than 25. And that is even pushing it.

 

Yes, there are women that meet the love of their lives at 60, but that is the exeption of the rule and almost a miracle.

 

Example: There was a classmate of mine in high shool. This guy was top of the class always, had passed every grade in elementary school with Outstanding, carried the National flag, and in HS it was no different. He was an honor student, getting top marks, and eventually went to the University and became a Civil Engineer.

 

Now the characteristics of this guy were: He was serious, he was driven, he was proper, he was intelligent. I remember one of my friends went to study with him and was surprised to tell me that he looked like an old man: wearing sleepers and geeky clothes. That is, not into fads, fashion, and so on.

 

Well, he met the love of his life while in HS, got married, have been together for over 30 years, and they have 7 children! I saw them once in church and talked to them, the wife was gracious and they seemed very close.

 

Now, I cannot imagine a guy like this, "single and available" at 37. Ever!

 

Well, look at Elon Musk. I mean, this guy is crazy! Blow my mind! Wow!

 

And today I was reading an interview with his first wife (link). It said: "I was an aspiring writer in my first year at Queen's University in Ontario, Canada" "Elon wasn't like that. A fellow student a year ahead of me, he was a clean-cut, upper-class boy with a South African accent who appeared in front of me one afternoon as I was leaping up the steps to my dorm." "he had noticed me from across the common room and decided he wanted to meet me.) He invited me out for ice cream. I said yes, but then blew him off with a note on my dorm-room door. Several hours later, my head bent over my Spanish text in an overheated room in the student center, I heard a polite cough behind me. Elon was smiling awkwardly, two chocolate-chip ice cream cones dripping down his hands."

 

So basically, this girl was probably 18, in her first year of colllege, the girl next door living in a dorm, and met Elon! They married a few years later when he was in his 20s and had 5 children.

 

Well, it didn´t work out and they got divorced and he became available you can say! But then he went on to marry a 22 year-old gorgeous and famous British actress!

 

Ok, not everyone is Elon Musk, but even if a guy like that becomes available they´ll be out of your league at 30.

 

Bells and whistles for women means: Responsible, successful, driven, intelligent, with good character, and family oriented.

 

Finding this man, single and available after you are 30 is close to a miracle. What is left for a women after 30 is the bottom of the barrel: Men who do not want to commit, or are lazy, with addictions, etc.

 

It is true that "all the good ones are taken", unless they are not taken, which is when women are 15 to 24. My take.

 

Good people are hard to find at any age, for friends and for more. They are out there though.

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I have the exact same problem.

 

I'm just bored with the female population.

 

Very few little sparks anywhere at all. I keep trying and hoping I'll find one of them to take seriously, but I'm just not feeling anyone.

 

I wish I had an answer for you.

 

Instead, i have only to lend support to your post.

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