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Why texting should be avoided in dating


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This posting isn't so much a question, as it is some insight on why texting while dating or in a relationship should be limited.

 

All of the information to follow is from years of my own personal experience as well as an explanation why I do what I do and the affect it has.

 

To begin, I am a guy, so all this will mostly be from my perspective, and will heavily focus on dating and attraction (not so much marriage/long-term dating)

 

Texting in today's dating world is vastly overused, and has a strong potential to drive away potential dates. How, you ask? Let me elaborate:

 

Cell phones (texting/calling) while dating should be used to arrange a date...that is it - nothing more.

 

I've seen countless posts and articles with a guy and his potential date texting for hours, having lengthy conversations over text, and texting every day between dates. Then they wonder why she lost interest. Here is why. What is so exciting about dating? It's the suspense, the unknown, the mystery, the surprises, the challenge. When you text every day for hours you remove all of these factors...all of them.

 

Let me share an example. You manage to meet a woman, get her number and set a first date for the next day. Date goes well, and she seems interested for another date. So far, so good. The second date is a week away, and you two text every day. You discuss random things, discuss plans for the next date, where you are going, favorite movies, hobbies, ect... The second date may still happen, but it won't be like the first date...you've removed several elements:

- Suspense: She knows your next move, and what you've got planned ahead

- Surprise: You've told here exactly where you're going and what you'll be doing. No room for imagination, or her to wonder "I wonder what exciting date he has planned"

- Mystery: By divulging all of this information about yourself, there is not mystery behind you, she knows a large amount about you already, leaving less do be discovered during and actual date.

- Challenge: She knows your favorite things, you'll tell her everything - no surprises, she can see everything coming from a mile away so there is no suspense, so you're not a challenge, nothing special...nothing that makes here wonder and think. Too predicable.

 

This is just an extremely brief summary of why texting should be limited during the dating process. So how should one proceed?

1. A cell phones only purpose should be to arrange a date...that is it.

2. If she wants to chat and text, just say in a flirty manner "I guess you'll just have to wait till (Day of date) to get to know me ;) See you (day of date).

3. Set a date and do not text at all (unless a legit question arises). Let her wonder if you'll show, let the suspense of what the date will consist of build. If she is wondering about you and the date, she is thinking about you, which will only increase attraction.

 

It has been scientifically shown by the National Center of Biotechnology Information that women are more attracted to men who are mysterious and who's feelings remain unclear.

 

Source:

A brief summary (see references below): https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201101/the-most-powerful-law-attraction

 

NCBI study: "He loves me, he loves me not . . . ": uncertainty can increase romantic attraction. - PubMed - NCBI

 

Bottom line: Only text to arrange a date...that is it. The more in suspense and surprise she is in. The more mysterious and a challenge you will be. The more mysterious = the more attractive you will become.

 

 

 

*Please not this is not how every single woman on the planet is, so this will not guarantee anything 100%. You'll win some and lose some. In my experience this hold true to most situations and has greatly improved my dating life/experience.

 

 

I would like to hear some feedback from other posters, as well as any questions I may be able to answer.

 

Edited for: spelling/grammar

Edited by iWopo
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Texting is for teenagers. If I was to meet a stranger for a date I would expect them to call me and talk to me before making arrangements.....I feel it's just good manners.

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I disagree completely.

 

I didn't even read the whole post.

 

Texting doesn't have to be limited or avoided. At all. Texting is great.

 

I text my friends on a daily basis. Why wouldn't I text someone I'm dating???

 

Sure, in the very early stages, daily texting is really not necessary. But once things are more established??

Trust me, there is very little mystery after you've spent a weekend together.

 

And... let her wonder if you'll show up??? If I'm wondering that I'M the one who won't show up!!

 

And I have stopped dating someone because he didn't text me enough... and then expected me to have told him about my holiday, when he didn't even wish me safe travels.

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I disagree completely.

 

I didn't even read the whole post.

 

Texting doesn't have to be limited or avoided. At all. Texting is great.

 

I text my friends on a daily basis. Why wouldn't I text someone I'm dating???

 

Sure, in the very early stages, daily texting is really not necessary. But once things are more established??

Trust me, there is very little mystery after you've spent a weekend together.

 

And... let her wonder if you'll show up??? If I'm wondering that I'M the one who won't show up!!

 

And I have stopped dating someone because he didn't text me enough... and then expected me to have told him about my holiday, when he didn't even wish me safe travels.

Again my point here.....if you want to establish something real you call. A lot of the time texting, and the amount of texting gets misconstrued. Then you just assume something negative.......

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In around 50 years' time, young people will have begun developing shrunken vocal chords because the majority of communication is done via text nowadays it seems.

That and thumbs with an extra joint....

And no - I am actually not kidding.

If I could turn the clock back, dammit, I would.

The over-use of texting by the young borders on the obscene.

It stunts mental development and renders some totally brainless.

And please don't infer or tell me I am exaggerating. I've met them. I work with them. It's frightening.

 

They don't know who Churchill, Stalin, Hitler Shakespeare, Byron, Keats or Wordsworth are. They have no clue about literature, poetry or lyrical prose.

But ask them about Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber or Jennifer Aniston are and they have ready answers.

 

It's a dreadful portent of things to come.

 

And these people are set to 'Inherit the Earth.'

 

I remember reading the following:

 

"It's all very well striving to leave a better world for our children, but we'd best pull finger out and leave better children for our world. Otherwise we'll be doomed, either way."

 

Oh yes.

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There are issues with texting, although I don't agree with the reasons stated in the OP which seems to focus more on salesmanship.

 

The problem is that texting seems chocked full of opportunities to misinterpret the most most basic communications. During a brief phone conversation you can ask questions, elaborate and clarify immediately. Texting allows for all kinds of crossed wires. Just from post on LS there are people relying on text and creating all sorts of drama in their heads based on simple things like time lags, truncated answers, and other conversation pratfalls.

 

If you need to say, "Meet me at X" or "Running late, will be 15 minutes late" by all means text. It is a highly efficient medium for that. But once you go into details call and talk like an adult that is fully aware of the complexities of communication.

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I disagree completely.

 

I didn't even read the whole post.

 

Texting doesn't have to be limited or avoided. At all. Texting is great.

 

I text my friends on a daily basis. Why wouldn't I text someone I'm dating???

 

Sure, in the very early stages, daily texting is really not necessary. But once things are more established??

Trust me, there is very little mystery after you've spent a weekend together.

 

And... let her wonder if you'll show up??? If I'm wondering that I'M the one who won't show up!!

 

And I have stopped dating someone because he didn't text me enough... and then expected me to have told him about my holiday, when he didn't even wish me safe travels.

 

I can tell you didn't read the whole thing. You assumed alot with out actually reading the content:

 

- This is about texting and dating. Not about texting friends.

- I mentioned this is not for long-term/"established" relationships

- If a guys is a gentleman, he should be picking you up, not expecting you to drive yourself to a venue

- I also mentioned this will not work for all women

 

Please read the posting before you assume

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I'm 20 years old and I hate texting. Texting when it comes to friendships is completely fine for me, however, I still prefer to talk to my friends over phone or face to face.

 

Now when it comes to romantic relationships, I hate them with a burning passion. Why? It's rather simple. Texting can leave so many holes for people misunderstanding, for interpreting things the wrong way and such. The least thing I need is someone thinking how I meant something negative when I didn't. Text can be easily misunderstood for both parties. I rather have serious talks over the phone or face to face because I really don't like having text being misunderstood or seen the wrong way or whatever the case is. This also goes for myself because even I misunderstand text.

 

Plus, I'm a nervous wreck when it comes to getting my feelings across. Even though I rather face to face, it's hard for me to do for some reason when I want to get my feelings across to the person I'm dating and I really don't think that's okay.

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LookAtThisPOst

I have to agree with the OP. In fact I started a post some time back regarding not to be put in the friend zone via texting.

 

Seems people text back and forth prior to going out on a face-to-face date. What's even funnier is, that they would schedule date, and chat between now and the time of the date...and somewhere in between...someone flakes.

 

The time you take to text each other for hours takes away from the opportunity to get to know each other in person.

 

So an hour in texting could have been saved FOR the date! Right?

 

It ruins the mystery of getting to know each other.

 

Save texting for ONLY making arrangements FOR the "face-to-face" meeting.

 

Never be a texting buddy to anyone. I even specify that in my profile "No pen pals/texting buddies"

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I have to totally agree with the OP. A year ago if I got a girls number we'd be exchanging texts like there was no tomorrow, it never, ever worked. You kill all the attraction and to be honest it gets boring very quickly. The whole point of a date is to get to know the other person. Why ask a million questions over text when you can wait a few days and ask it in person? Surely that's better in every way, no?

 

Now I use the phone to arrange a date and nothing else. From speaking to women about this I know straight away that I stand out from the crowd. Most men will sit there and aimlessly text in a hope to keep the interest levels up.

 

People need to sit back and relax a bit. It makes me sad when I walk down the street and everyone under a certain age has their head down staring at a phone.

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.....It makes me sad when I walk down the street and everyone under a certain age has their head down staring at a phone.

 

And backing your point, and to an extent, mine.....

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People need to sit back and relax a bit. It makes me sad when I walk down the street and everyone under a certain age has their head down staring at a phone.

 

No it's everyone. My friends (in their 50's) are always staring down at their phone whether we are sitting around having drinks or eating lunch....so disappointing to me they can't spend an hour without their phone on the damn table. I find it rude. I keep my phone in my purse, I don't bother to look at it if I'm busy doing something. My life doesn't revolve around who just posted what on social media.

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I have seen relationships/friendships fall apart because of one misinterpreted text/social media message. Texting lacks intonation/inflection/facial expressions and texture in general.

 

Texting for the purpose of developing a relationship is BS and immature. Having an entire conversation by text IMO is impersonal and lacks quality. People sometimes use texting because they don't have the face to face conversation skills/can't think on their feet or under pressure, what have you. But in those cases texting only enables their insecurity, lack of confidence, etc.

 

Just because the world has adopted this as a norm, doesn't mean we should do it. Technology sometimes carries unintended consequences -- in this case, it depersonalizes our world. And, one of the things that pisses me off sometimes is that people will use texting shorthand in emails. I've seen it at work a few times :) -- cn u pls snd this doc to so and so . . . Geez. They are so hooked up to that phone, they forget that they are communicating in another environment.

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No it's everyone. My friends (in their 50's) are always staring down at their phone whether we are sitting around having drinks or eating lunch....so disappointing to me they can't spend an hour without their phone on the damn table. I find it rude. I keep my phone in my purse, I don't bother to look at it if I'm busy doing something. My life doesn't revolve around who just posted what on social media.

I agree. Sometimes, older people are just as bad, if not worse.

There's a 'challenge' that did the rounds some time ago:

A group of people out for a meal together, have to put their phones, face down, in the middle of the table, switched to 'silent/no vibrate'. The first person to succumb to temptation and check their 'phone - pays for the meal. All of it. Drinks INCLUDED.

 

I think we should spread the word and make that a far more common 'game'.....

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I have seen relationships/friendships fall apart because of one misinterpreted text/social media message. Texting lacks intonation/inflection/facial expressions and texture in general.

 

Texting for the purpose of developing a relationship is BS and immature. Having an entire conversation by text IMO is impersonal and lacks quality. People sometimes use texting because they don't have the face to face conversation skills/can't think on their feet or under pressure, what have you. But in those cases texting only enables their insecurity, lack of confidence, etc.

 

Just because the world has adopted this as a norm, doesn't mean we should do it. Technology sometimes carries unintended consequences -- in this case, it depersonalizes our world. And, one of the things that pisses me off sometimes is that people will use texting shorthand in emails. I've seen it at work a few times :) -- cn u pls snd this doc to so and so . . . Geez. They are so hooked up to that phone, they forget that they are communicating in another environment.

 

I've honestly lost count of the times people have posted about incomprehensible texting.

They paste long drafts of exchanged texts and ask 'what does she mean by...? Why did he text this....? How should I interpret that...?'

 

I always respond by recommending they actually dial his/her number, and ask the question directly, for themselves.

Unthinkable! :rolleyes:

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Again my point here.....if you want to establish something real you call. A lot of the time texting, and the amount of texting gets misconstrued. Then you just assume something negative.......

 

Calling is fine. But so is texting. One does not preclude the other. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

I can tell you didn't read the whole thing. You assumed alot with out actually reading the content:

 

- This is about texting and dating. Not about texting friends.

- I mentioned this is not for long-term/"established" relationships

- If a guys is a gentleman, he should be picking you up, not expecting you to drive yourself to a venue

- I also mentioned this will not work for all women

 

Please read the posting before you assume

 

I did read it, actually. And you DO say, in your OP that "texting while dating or in a relationship should be limited.". Furthermore, you say that your stance is not valid for "marriage/long-term dating".

 

However, and this is what I was talking about, when you've been dating someone for 4 or 5 months, that is hardly long term. But it's also not early stages.

 

I don't know where you live, but where I live, no one has a car, so you WILL be going to the venues by your own means. I've also dated guys who didn't drive at all. So again, your argument is invalid. And I would also not be getting ready if there was any doubt in my mind about the guy showing up to pick me up!!

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*Please not this is not how every single woman on the planet is, so this will not guarantee anything 100%. You'll win some and lose some.

 

 

This is the only thing worth taking note of in the OP, in my opinion.

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I agree with much of the OPs post.

 

Over-texting totally kills the excitement.

 

I disagree with this :

"Let her wonder if you'll show"

 

If you do that, there is a good chance SHE won't show.

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Generally, this is really good advice.

 

As a woman, I'm intrigued by a man's mystery. This would totally work for me during the courting phase.

 

However, when in a relationship, if he continues this mystery texting game, he'll be dumped faster than a rocket.

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LookAtThisPOst

I have a male friend that's currently online dating, early 50s and not really into technology all that much, so he treats a text as if it were an email, so he'll basically get back to it or respond within a couple of ours to several hours.

 

One time this woman was texting with him to make arrangements to meet up. She was asking if Saturday was good, he said he was helping a friend move on Saturday so didn't know when he'll get done....

 

He puts down the phone and works in the yard for a couple of hours while she texts, "Oh, we'll how about Sunday then?"

 

She sits there with baited breath...waiting on his response. Hours pass and THEN he responds. "Well, Sunday I'll be at work." He puts down the phone and works on yard projects again..."

 

Her, "So when will be a good time for you?"

 

Hours pass...she gets ticked off and says, "Well, looks like you're not serious about meeting, good luck in your search."

 

And she wrote him off.

 

He talks to me about this as if this was all HER fault for being impatient, but I was like, "Dude, why didn't you tell her you were working in the yard, so it may be a while before you got back with her."

 

He told me, "I didn't think about it at the time."

 

So he blew it.

 

But you see, some people tend to text each other full back-to-back, within minutes conversations. You know, a chat session. So she's probably sitting on her sofa, staring at her smart phone...waiting..."

 

With texting, there's an expectation of an immediate response, and if you're texting with someone that just isn't intense on texting as others, there may be a communication problem.

 

I mean you've seen people glued to their phones, ferociously typing on their pads back and forth , non-stop. HE is simply a "respond to text, put it down for a few hours and get back to it later' kind of person.

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“The problem is that texting seems chocked full of opportunities to misinterpret the most most basic communications. During a brief phone conversation you can ask questions, elaborate and clarify immediately.”

 

Member (LookAtThisPOst) Post nails the issue too…

 

Save texting for simple stuff: Let's meet at 8 p.m.? Do you like sushi? Or even, you looked so hot last night! When it comes to texting, the KISS rule applies, (Keep It Simple Stupid.)

 

 

When you talk to someone on the phone that's when their true personality starts to shine. Hearing someone's voice tells you if they are positive or negative, or enthusiastic about life. The voice conversation is very important. It keeps people from hiding. The phone is a screener.

 

 

Real communication takes courage. It's not easy to drop our defenses and reveal our insecurities to one another, especially if we've gotten our feelings hurt a few times, developing your emotional intelligence is a critical ingredient in all healthy adult relationships.

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  • 3 weeks later...
bluefeather

ok, I FINALLY got around to reading this... and I must say, YES. I agree with you, however, not for any of the reasons you mentioned. Although it seems that your topic is geared towards, as someone already stated, the "courting phase" of dating, so it makes sense why you gave those reasons, i.e. keeping things mysterious.

 

I actually believe that texting is pretty horrible in general because it leaves SOOO MANY opportunities for misinterpretation.

 

-"How are you?"

-"Fine."

Say this in an actual vocalized conversation, and the word "fine," can be said in a lot of different ways. happy, sad, angry, etc.

 

But in text? It is up to the receiver to determine how fine "fine" is.

 

I swear, it's so pathetic how much people prefer to have lengthy conversations through text, and even arguments! I have sent texts that were meant to be compliments but were instead taken as insults... and vice-versa! Also, I have misinterpreted texts as well and still do, to the point where I have to just call them and say, "stop texting me and just talk to me!" It is no fun, and just makes me associate over-use of text as cowardice and lack of communication skills, which is *extremely vital* in a relationship.

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JustGettingBy

It depends. A text here and there to confirm plans are still going on, sure.

 

Entire conversations via text? No, devoid of emotion.

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