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Broken hearted, can someone me understand?


Ellyssia

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I met a guy, he asked me out for a long time. Probably over a year.

 

He was younger than I'd usually date and he also said he was not looking for anything serious so for those two reasons I always said no.

 

He was very persistent, and we became friends and eventually over a big co-incidence we ended up on a date together, we kissed, and that was it...fireworks everywhere.

 

So we started seeing each other, and we were really happy. Crazy level of pasion and great friendship and it was just good. We both said it was the best we had ever had.

 

So time went on for a few months and the fact that he wsn't looking for anything serious became a problem, as I wanted things to develop and he didn't. I was patient with it because I knew he'd told me it from day one, but I couldn't contol it and I fell in love.

 

Then to cut a very long story short, I honestly believed he was falling in love too, and we had a big break up because I said he wasn't 100% in the relationship. We didn't talk a couple of weeks, then he showed up at my house (we live far away) and just stood outside until I talked to him, saying he missed me.

 

So we got back together, and during the talk afterwards I told him to be totally honest with me and he told me he loved being with me but didn't see us as boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I was completely devastated obviously, and shocked, because I thought he didn't want a girlfriend - not that he didn't want ME as one, which was why I had been patient. I had always thought we would just become that over time.

 

I told him I never wanted to see him again.

 

Now he won't stop contacting me, and he is really upset. He sent me a letter saying that:

 

1. He thinks I am maing a mistake and it's the wrong decision

2. He doesn't want a girlfriend, but he dos want to be with me NOW

3. That whatever he protests, he admits I already am his girlfriend

4. That he had been so excited about at the stuff he wanted to do with me and he feels it has ended prepaturely

5. That I forced an answer out of him that he didn't want to give

6. That he still wants to see me an that we have something amazing

7. That I am the one ending it, not him

8. That the thought of never seeing me again makes him upset

9. That the way we are with each other is so strong and we fall into each others arms and that this means something

10. That It has never just been sex for him, and did I think he would pursue me so long and travel so often to see me just for that

11. That he wants to see me to talk and start a new chapter

12. That nothing is better than being together, that I have a power over him and that even in a serious comversation he gets turned on all the time and that no other woman has ever made him feel like that.

 

So can anyone please help me understand?

 

If he feels all that and chased so hard and wants me so much....why would he NEVER see me as a girlfriend type?

 

I feel so completely heartbroken, please can someone help me to understand?

 

I have never felt like this about anyone, and we are just so happy together.

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He is offering you nothing, yet is demanding you stay as his FWB/Fbuddy/woman he has sex with.

YOU got hurt and ended it, which is the right thing to do.

He has no right to demand anything of you.

Stay away from him, he sounds somewhat unstable too.

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I know that part :(

 

What I don't understand is why?

 

why chase someone for a year

Why invest so much time

Why travel hours to see me

why spend hours a day talking to me

why stand outside my house

 

None of it makes any sense, either someone has value to you or not?

 

I am mystified

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I know that part :(

 

What I don't understand is why?

 

why chase someone for a year

Why invest so much time

Why travel hours to see me

why spend hours a day talking to me

why stand outside my house

 

None of it makes any sense, either someone has value to you or not?

 

I am mystified

 

Because he's not all there, OP. Seriously.

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I met a guy, he asked me out for a long time. Probably over a year.

 

He was younger than I'd usually date and he also said he was not looking for anything serious so for those two reasons I always said no.

 

He was very persistent, and we became friends and eventually over a big co-incidence we ended up on a date together, we kissed, and that was it...fireworks everywhere.

 

So we started seeing each other, and we were really happy. Crazy level of pasion and great friendship and it was just good. We both said it was the best we had ever had.

 

So time went on for a few months and the fact that he wsn't looking for anything serious became a problem, as I wanted things to develop and he didn't. I was patient with it because I knew he'd told me it from day one, but I couldn't contol it and I fell in love.

 

Then to cut a very long story short, I honestly believed he was falling in love too, and we had a big break up because I said he wasn't 100% in the relationship. We didn't talk a couple of weeks, then he showed up at my house (we live far away) and just stood outside until I talked to him, saying he missed me.

 

So we got back together, and during the talk afterwards I told him to be totally honest with me and he told me he loved being with me but didn't see us as boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I was completely devastated obviously, and shocked, because I thought he didn't want a girlfriend - not that he didn't want ME as one, which was why I had been patient. I had always thought we would just become that over time.

 

I told him I never wanted to see him again.

 

Now he won't stop contacting me, and he is really upset. He sent me a letter saying that:

 

1. He thinks I am maing a mistake and it's the wrong decision

2. He doesn't want a girlfriend, but he dos want to be with me NOW

3. That whatever he protests, he admits I already am his girlfriend

4. That he had been so excited about at the stuff he wanted to do with me and he feels it has ended prepaturely

5. That I forced an answer out of him that he didn't want to give

6. That he still wants to see me an that we have something amazing

7. That I am the one ending it, not him

8. That the thought of never seeing me again makes him upset

9. That the way we are with each other is so strong and we fall into each others arms and that this means something

10. That It has never just been sex for him, and did I think he would pursue me so long and travel so often to see me just for that

11. That he wants to see me to talk and start a new chapter

12. That nothing is better than being together, that I have a power over him and that even in a serious comversation he gets turned on all the time and that no other woman has ever made him feel like that.

 

So can anyone please help me understand?

 

If he feels all that and chased so hard and wants me so much....why would he NEVER see me as a girlfriend type?

 

I feel so completely heartbroken, please can someone help me to understand?

 

I have never felt like this about anyone, and we are just so happy together.

 

Going back to him at this point would be a serious error in judgement on your side. So far you've done exactly the right thing.

 

The statements above don't mean anything, He still isn't offering you anything at all. Merely trying to convince you to stay as FWB.

 

Don't kid yourself into believing that this isn't about sex. It is.

 

He has told you he isn't looking for a serious relationship. Believe him.

 

He has told you that he doesn't see you as his girlfriend. Believe him.

 

He hasn't told you he loves you or wants to offer you a commitment.

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I know that part :(

 

What I don't understand is why?

 

why chase someone for a year

Why invest so much time

Why travel hours to see me

why spend hours a day talking to me

why stand outside my house

 

None of it makes any sense, either someone has value to you or not?

 

I am mystified

 

You'd be surprised what men are willing to do if sex is on the table.

 

 

Actually that sounds a little sexist. Let's rephrase that. I think if his contact with you is by text then that's a lot less effort than it sounds.

 

 

I would be careful. It sounds like he is being manipulative (saying you are the one who ended with him when he didn't have both feet in in the first place).

 

 

The standing outside your house things sounds a lil over the top. What's the story with that?

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OP he has told you from the start and continues to tell you that he does not want you as a girlfriend.

So unless you just want a casual relationship that never goes anywhere, dont have anything more to do with him.

 

I think people sometimes misunderstand when guys say things like it's not just sex. He just means he does connect with you at a certain level, he likes you. But that doesn't mean he wants a relationship. He clearly doesn't.

He just enjoys time with you and the good sex.

 

So yeah. Unless you want nsa then time to get him out if your life. Don't think he is going to change.

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He is just another huge commitment-phobe... and if you stay with him, he will mess up your life big time.

 

That's what they do. Mixed messages, double messages ..... I love you, but don't want a girlfriend, I have never felt this way, but don't want a girlfriend ...we are so great together the best it has ever been with anyone, but don't want a girlfriend.

 

And finally, I don't see you as a girlfriend..... but acknowledge you are my girlfriend!

 

Arghh!!!!

 

So many freaking mixed messages, it's enough to drive you literally crazy!

 

Stay away from him. He is messed up in the head and doesn't know what the hell he wants.

 

Classic commitment phobe all the way!!!

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1. He thinks I am maing a mistake and it's the wrong decision

2. He doesn't want a girlfriend, but he dos want to be with me NOW

3. That whatever he protests, he admits I already am his girlfriend

4. That he had been so excited about at the stuff he wanted to do with me and he feels it has ended prepaturely

5. That I forced an answer out of him that he didn't want to give

6. That he still wants to see me an that we have something amazing

7. That I am the one ending it, not him

8. That the thought of never seeing me again makes him upset

9. That the way we are with each other is so strong and we fall into each others arms and that this means something

10. That It has never just been sex for him, and did I think he would pursue me so long and travel so often to see me just for that

11. That he wants to see me to talk and start a new chapter

12. That nothing is better than being together, that I have a power over him and that even in a serious comversation he gets turned on all the time and that no other woman has ever made him feel like that.

 

So....he thinks you're making a big mistake because he's conflicted? Read that list again. All of that is all about him, his feelings, what he wants, and his hangups too. It's your choice to go back there or not, but this kid (and I do mean kid) is just wanting his cake and eat it too. In short, he likes having sex with you, doesn't want you to date other people but won't commit to you at all.

 

The situation is rather simple. He wants you to act like a girlfriend while he can act however he wants. Think about whether you want that or not. Love has nothing to do with things here.

 

The appropriate txt msg to send here would be.....Just FO already!

Edited by Buddhist
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I love nos. 2 and 3.

 

He doesn't want a girlfriend, but admits you already are his girlfriend. Ugh.

 

I wonder if he even knows how incredibly messed up that sounds.

 

Next.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~ V
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I don't really see any mixed messages from him. I see a fairly consistent one, he wants nsa. That's it.

 

His entire list is mixed and double messages.

 

Especially nos. 2 and 3.

 

He doesn't want a gf, doesn't see her as his girlfriend ...... but admits she is his girlfriend. Can't get any more mixed than that.

 

Anyway, whether his goal is no strings sex or something else, he is messed up in the head and OP needs to stay away from him.

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You don't have to understand it. It is what it is. And if he drove a long way to your house, of course he would stand outside for a while instead of getting right back in the car and drive off.

 

But none of that matters. If you are hoping he'll change his mind, the best chance of that happening is if you don't take him back. If you take him back now, you are not his girlfriend, guaranteed. He already promised you that you will not be his girlfriend.

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His entire list are mixed and double messages.

 

Especially nos. 2 and 3.

 

He doesn't want a gf, doesn't see her as his girlfriend ...... but admits she is his girlfriend. Can't get any more mixed than that.

 

Anyway, whether his goal is no strings sex or something else, he is messed up in the head and OP needs to stay away from him.

 

Yeah i couldn't make out what the OP meant with that comment. I think she is saying when she pushes him, he will use the word girlfriend to make her happy. But I may me misreading it. If he freely calls her his girlfriend while saying he never seen her as a girlfriend then Yeah that's nuts!

 

To me it's pretty clear he doesn't want a ltr.

 

I recently have a nsa fbuddy relationship. I was always 100% clear about what I wanted.

Towards the end she started wanting more, so eventually we stopped it.

I wouldn't be surprised if on her side of the story she would say i gave mixed messages, made her think I liked her, etc.

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He already promised you that you will not be his girlfriend.

 

Right. Then admits in no. 3 she *is* his girlfriend.

 

No wonder she is so confused, any woman would be with a guy like him.

 

He's got ISSUES you can't fix OP....and again will seriously screw you up if you go back.

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He is just another huge commitment-phobe... and if you stay with him, he will mess up your life big time.

 

That's what they do. Mixed messages, double messages ..... I love you, but don't want a girlfriend, I have never felt this way, but don't want a girlfriend ...we are so great together the best it has ever been with anyone, but don't want a girlfriend.

 

And finally, I don't see you as a girlfriend..... but acknowledge you are my girlfriend!

 

Arghh!!!!

 

So many freaking mixed messages, it's enough to drive you literally crazy!

 

Stay away from him. He is messed up in the head and doesn't know what the hell he wants.

 

Classic commitment phobe all the way!!!

 

Thank you for summing up the entire way it feels!!! It's so accurate.

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So....he thinks you're making a big mistake because he's conflicted? Read that list again. All of that is all about him, his feelings, what he wants, and his hangups too. It's your choice to go back there or not, but this kid (and I do mean kid) is just wanting his cake and eat it too. In short, he likes having sex with you, doesn't want you to date other people but won't commit to you at all.

 

The situation is rather simple. He wants you to act like a girlfriend while he can act however he wants. Think about whether you want that or not. Love has nothing to do with things here.

 

The appropriate txt msg to send here would be.....Just FO already!

 

Geez, you are so right, I read his letter again and it's "me, me, me" all the way through. He doesn't actually care at all that this isn't what makes ME happy.

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Yeah i couldn't make out what the OP meant with that comment. I think she is saying when she pushes him, he will use the word girlfriend to make her happy. But I may me misreading it. If he freely calls her his girlfriend while saying he never seen her as a girlfriend then Yeah that's nuts!

 

To me it's pretty clear he doesn't want a ltr.

 

I recently have a nsa fbuddy relationship. I was always 100% clear about what I wanted.

Towards the end she started wanting more, so eventually we stopped it.

I wouldn't be surprised if on her side of the story she would say i gave mixed messages, made her think I liked her, etc.

 

Well you are a straight shooter joseb, and know what you want...and have integrity.

 

This guy is not and does not. He doesn't know what the he wants.

 

He knows what he doesn't want -- a gf -- but then says all this junk to her that would indicate otherwise, including admitting that she IS his girlfriend.

 

Messed up!!

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Right. Then admits in no. 3 she *is* his girlfriend.

 

No wonder she is so confused, any woman would be with a guy like him.

 

He's got ISSUES you can't fix OP....and again will seriously screw you up if you go back.

 

He's improvising. Just throwing out all sorts of things hoping one of them will stick.

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I love nos. 2 and 3.

 

He doesn't want a girlfriend, but admits you already are his girlfriend. Ugh.

 

I wonder if he even knows how incredibly f*cked up that sounds.

 

Next.

 

In the SAME letter. He seriously, exact words said:

 

"I have no interest in a relationship right now but I do want to be with you".

 

Next paragraph

 

"However much I protest we are in a relationship.

 

It's unbelievable anyone can lack awareness to the level that they don;t realise they are literally contradicting themselves.

 

He does it all the time....

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In the SAME letter. He seriously, exact words said:

 

"I have no interest in a relationship right now but I do want to be with you".

 

Next paragraph

 

"However much I protest we are in a relationship.

 

It's unbelievable anyone can lack awareness to the level that they don;t realise they are literally contradicting themselves.

 

He does it all the time....

 

Yup...you got it!

 

Stay far far away. Block, delete, NEXT.

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I don't really see any mixed messages from him. I see a fairly consistent one, he wants nsa. That's it.

 

It might sound that way, but honestly it is nothing like that. Messages are not just communicated in words.

 

He says he doesn't want a girlfriend, then says I already am his girlfriend.

 

He says he accepts my decision but he shows up at my door begging me to talk to him.

 

He says he wants nsa just sex, then he spcifially goes on in his letter for a paragraph about how it is not just sex and how much he feels for me.

 

He says what we have so special and "means something" and then he says he doesn't want to be with me.

 

It's contradictary.

 

Or maybe you're right, and underneath ALL that subtext the bottomline remains unchanged; but then it is very manipulative to behave the way he does. If you want nsa from a woman and she says no.....why go stand outside her window and tell her how much you miss her?

 

In my book...it's a dick move.

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He's full of hot air...and how dare you call things off with him?!! Your decision took away his power and he's gonna sweet talk you to get it back. But guess what? When you give it back, he's gonna walk all over you...again.

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