Love my girlfriend, but when she drinks it kills me inside. Can I have some ?

[justinhill64]

Some background about me;

Back in the day when I was still in my teenage years and reaching close to 18 years of age. I was fairly a delinquent child that didn't know any better and took the world for granted. I was that "Guy" that all the other intelligent kids hated. I was that good looking peacock, that all the girls wanted to get down "dirty" with.

 

Was that "Guy" who was an A student at high school for the first 2 years, but do to me blending in the wrong crowed, it got me into a situation in which it resulted in me dropping out of school. Then eventually became that "Guy" at one point who just partied all day and slept with all sort of girls all night. The "Guy" who never contributed anything to the family.

 

I never became that independent "Guy", till a tragic and unfortunate situation happened to my mother of two kids (sister and I). My mother unfortunately passed away at an early age, leaving behind a barely 18 year old kid(me) and her youngest child at the age of 13 years. Eventually several months of legal battle with external family members, I was awarded the custodian of my younger sister.

 

Its been 3 years since my mother passing and currently 21, my sister is now 16 years old healthy and well. Learn a lot about through those 3 years of hardship and parenting a child that was not mine. Over that period of learning to survive, I manage on quitting cigarettes and drinking( once every 4 months or so I will have a couple of drinks nothing major. ). I manage to get rid of most of my bad habits if not all of them.

 

I fairly make a better amount of funds than most 21 year olds and I have my head pointed in the right direction.

 

 

Related to actually question;

I met my current girlfriend at the same workplace. Me and my girlfriend are from two different worlds and frankly I believe we would of not met each other if we didn't work in the same place. Shes 22 right now, and was born in an environment in which had no potential for growth . But just like me, she had her own fair share of hardship. She is obviously more aware, and takes more incentive to progress more in life.

 

But the thing she can't stop doing is drinking heavily, no doubt she stopped drinking more frequently than she used to. But when she does she unable to hold her liquor. When she gets drinks she never knows her limited and ends up getting wasted. In short, our relationship goes down hill every time shes not sober.

 

The actually question;

 

I am in love with her because from a lot of reason but she never met my sister yet and I believe she will be a bad influence. Should I break up with her?

 

ps. I Want to my sister to have a good role model, and not get distracted and focus on school.

[ExpatInItaly]

Does you girlfriend feel her drinking is a problem? Is she interested in cutting back and cooling off on the partying? If not, you won't work as a couple because you simply have very different mindsets about what is or isn't acceptable in a healthy relationship.

 

You say your relationship goes downhill when she's not sober; can you give some more details? What happens when she's under the influence?

[justinhill64]

When she is under influence, she another person more aggressive she becomes lot more hornier and reasoning with her is out the window.

 

It will take me 3 hours or so for me to calm her down and put her to bed.

When she wakes up the next day she completely forgets everything that transpired while she was under the influence.

 

When shes sober, its the totally opposite she less aggressive, less sexual, more down to critical thinking, really sweet girl etc.

 

I guess in short when she drunk I feel like she goes all primal and territorial.

[road]

If she can not go without drinking alcohol she is an addict. You have worked hard to turn yourself around so better to disconnect yourself from her.

[TaraMaiden2]

justin, listen very carefully:

 

You have a nurturing nature. You had to grow up pretty quickly when your mom died, and ended up being custodian of your sister, at a very young age.

You had to put your 'Big Man' pants on, take responsibility and look after a child, while still basically a child yourself.

 

That's a very big thing you did there, and you were right to do it. It shows maturity, love for your sister, and a good head on your shoulders.

Well done for that. I admire you.

 

However (and it's a BIG "however"):

 

You are NOT responsible for your girlfriend, either legally or morally.

And you can't fix her.

To be brutal, you actually have no 'right' to fix her, even if you could.

 

She needs to go to AA, and she needs to go by herself, for herself, because she has decided she needs to.

 

I understand your concern. I even understand your pain, discomfort and distress.

 

But an alcoholic will not stop being an alcoholic, simply because of love, support and consideration for you, or yours for her.

 

It's an addiction.

And addictions, when they grip someone, are stronger than emotions.

 

You can suggest - during one of her sober times - just how much this worries you, and what you think she should do. But then, it's up to her.

And if she chooses to ignore you, or carry on regardless - then you have to salvage your own sanity and emotions, and leave the relationship.

You don't need this.

You can't do anything about it, unless she agrees it's a problem, sees she needs to work on it, and does so.

For herself.

[Qboro90]

If you love this girl then you should be able to sit down and tell her exactly what you told us. Explain how you consciously changed your life because you had to look after your sister when your mom passed and that it's important to you she grows up with positive influences around her. Tell your gf that her drinking makes you nervous because of how she turns into a completely different person which is unattractive and alarming because it's become regular.

 

Ask her to cut back on how much she drinks because you want to bring her into your life and introduce your sister to her. But you don't want to do that if you have to worry about her stumbling aroun the house one night after drinking, or being violent and hitting you, or cheating on you during a binge. If she's blacking out and doesn't know her limits then how can she be sure she didn't hook up with someone the night before or have sex with someone and just can't remember?

 

If she loves you she will cut back and take this to heart because you clearly want to look out for your family and also your relationship. If she makes it a big deal then that should show you where her priorities and maturity level are at.

[ExpatInItaly]

When she is under influence, she another person more aggressive she becomes lot more hornier and reasoning with her is out the window.

 

It will take me 3 hours or so for me to calm her down and put her to bed.

When she wakes up the next day she completely forgets everything that transpired while she was under the influence.

 

When shes sober, its the totally opposite she less aggressive, less sexual, more down to critical thinking, really sweet girl etc.

 

I guess in short when she drunk I feel like she goes all primal and territorial.

 

Aggressive in what way? Does she throw herself sexually at you? Other guys? I don't quite understand what you mean when you say she's primal and territorial but it's clear it's making you uncomfortable.

 

You need to have a sober, in-person talk with her. It appears to be happening often enough that there's a pattern. Explain to her what you told us. See how she responds

[Redhead14]

Some background about me;

Back in the day when I was still in my teenage years and reaching close to 18 years of age. I was fairly a delinquent child that didn't know any better and took the world for granted. I was that "Guy" that all the other intelligent kids hated. I was that good looking peacock, that all the girls wanted to get down "dirty" with.

 

Was that "Guy" who was an A student at high school for the first 2 years, but do to me blending in the wrong crowed, it got me into a situation in which it resulted in me dropping out of school. Then eventually became that "Guy" at one point who just partied all day and slept with all sort of girls all night. The "Guy" who never contributed anything to the family.

 

I never became that independent "Guy", till a tragic and unfortunate situation happened to my mother of two kids (sister and I). My mother unfortunately passed away at an early age, leaving behind a barely 18 year old kid(me) and her youngest child at the age of 13 years. Eventually several months of legal battle with external family members, I was awarded the custodian of my younger sister.

 

Its been 3 years since my mother passing and currently 21, my sister is now 16 years old healthy and well. Learn a lot about through those 3 years of hardship and parenting a child that was not mine. Over that period of learning to survive, I manage on quitting cigarettes and drinking( once every 4 months or so I will have a couple of drinks nothing major. ). I manage to get rid of most of my bad habits if not all of them.

 

I fairly make a better amount of funds than most 21 year olds and I have my head pointed in the right direction.

 

 

Related to actually question;

I met my current girlfriend at the same workplace. Me and my girlfriend are from two different worlds and frankly I believe we would of not met each other if we didn't work in the same place. Shes 22 right now, and was born in an environment in which had no potential for growth . But just like me, she had her own fair share of hardship. She is obviously more aware, and takes more incentive to progress more in life.

 

But the thing she can't stop doing is drinking heavily, no doubt she stopped drinking more frequently than she used to. But when she does she unable to hold her liquor. When she gets drinks she never knows her limited and ends up getting wasted. In short, our relationship goes down hill every time shes not sober.

 

The actually question;

 

I am in love with her because from a lot of reason but she never met my sister yet and I believe she will be a bad influence. Should I break up with her?

 

ps. I Want to my sister to have a good role model, and not get distracted and focus on school.

 

Son, what you should do is realize, that like you, she is very young, and doesn't have the life skills that you have been more or less forced to learn so quickly. Drinking is her coping mechanism, albeit unhealthy. She is likely on the road to alcoholism. That is something you do not need in your young life nor in your future.

 

You are now on a path that includes a huge responsibility and one that you have clearly prepared yourself to handle and are focused on. She is your number 1 priority.

 

That being said, being in a relationship that distracts you from that and one that you even have some concern will affect your sister, is not good for either one of you.

 

Please use the resolve and sense of responsibility you have gained through your experiences to do what you need to do and move on from this girl.

[d0nnivain]

You can't control your GF's behavior or drinking. Go to an Al-Anon meeting then decide if you want to stay in the relationship. Al Anon is a group for people who love alcoholics

[TaraMaiden2]

...but it's not necessarily a good thing.....

[justinhill64]

Thanks to everyone for helping with my troubles.

 

Before I even read most of the responds to questions and concerns. I had already broken up with her in person about 1 hour ago. It was hard for me when we did. Tears were shed but like i did in the pass with a terrible situation i kissed it up and now currently trying to move on.

 

 

I am going to be real, it hurt me a lot on the inside.

 

Man sometimes I find life like a real hard math problem.

 

 

Thank you everyone I will most likely won't be on this forum for a while till I guess I find another suitor.

[Redhead14]

Thanks to everyone for helping with my troubles.

 

Before I even read most of the responds to questions and concerns. I had already broken up with her in person about 1 hour ago. It was hard for me when we did. Tears were shed but like i did in the pass with a terrible situation i kissed it up and now currently trying to move on.

 

 

I am going to be real, it hurt me a lot on the inside.

 

Man sometimes I find life like a real hard math problem.

 

 

Thank you everyone I will most likely won't be on this forum for a while till I guess I find another suitor.

 

Justin, rest well with your decision. Remain focused on yourself and your sister. Be good to yourself. Enjoy as much of your youth as you possibly can.