Guys: why would you not answer the phone?

[Lorenza]

So assume you have a girlfriend you claim to love dearly, tell her compliments, enjoy the time spent with her, have wonderful sex with her and tell her that you want to have a future together and that you're afraid of losing her. Then assume you're a pretty busy, ambitious guy with a load of projects, goals and talents you work on everyday. What would make you to not answer calls from your girlfriend and not even get back at her? Would you ever miss 4 of her calls in a row on a Friday night?

 

I just cannot understand it... One day everything seems perfect, the next day I'm broken down, crying, not really knowing what is happening. I saw my boyfriend on Wednesday night and Thursday morning. Everything was great, he was supportive about my personal problems, we had nice conversation, great sex, told each other ILY many times. He looked as in love with me as he always does when we meet and before leaving he told me to call him if I still feel sad later. We exchanged quite a normal amount of messages on fb on Thursday (I didn't call, felt fine), but today I literally got two one word messages from him, so I decided to call at around 8 pm. From 8 pm to 12 pm I made 4 calls totally and wrote a couple of messages on fb (like: "Hey, i'd appreciate if we could talk, had a terrible day, would be great to hear your voice"). He neither read the messages nor answered his phone. I've seen him active on facebook commenting some pictures from his other account and I don't believe he would not check his phone for more than 4 hours, as he always has his phone with him. So it means he saw me call and ignored it. Why the hell? He claims to love me so much and acts like that when we meet, why not simply answer? It's always so hard to get him to answer his phone, I just don't get it... He also has such strong family values, I just can't believe a person with such high morals and such a tough life story would cheat....

 

What arguments could I have to make him realize that this habit of ignoring my calls is damaging and disrespectful towards me?

[Shanex]

I've been in love, a couple times and never did this, unless strong arguments. Resentment and spitefulness are emotions I've always tried to avoid. Sorry to hear, OP. When I did that, or when my exes did it to me it was never a good thing and it was often headed to breakup. Not saying you're going through it for sure as I don't know the background behind your romance or how long have you been together. Some people make up though, and somehow 'need' to argue to strengthen their marriage or relationship, as odd as it sound. All the best.

[Gaeta]

Stop calling him, permanently. Don't dial him ever again.

 

You need to reverse the dynamic here.

 

I used to date this guy who would not always pick up my calls or would ignore my text. I stopped. All of it.

 

After a while he noticed and he said : Hey! what's wrong you don't call or text anymore? I said the truth. I said : You don't pick up or reply so I am done with reaching out to you.

 

From there he started calling me twice a day.

[Redhead14]

So assume you have a girlfriend you claim to love dearly, tell her compliments, enjoy the time spent with her, have wonderful sex with her and tell her that you want to have a future together and that you're afraid of losing her. Then assume you're a pretty busy, ambitious guy with a load of projects, goals and talents you work on everyday. What would make you to not answer calls from your girlfriend and not even get back at her? Would you ever miss 4 of her calls in a row on a Friday night?

 

I just cannot understand it... One day everything seems perfect, the next day I'm broken down, crying, not really knowing what is happening. I saw my boyfriend on Wednesday night and Thursday morning. Everything was great, he was supportive about my personal problems, we had nice conversation, great sex, told each other ILY many times. He looked as in love with me as he always does when we meet and before leaving he told me to call him if I still feel sad later. We exchanged quite a normal amount of messages on fb on Thursday (I didn't call, felt fine), but today I literally got two one word messages from him, so I decided to call at around 8 pm. From 8 pm to 12 pm I made 4 calls totally and wrote a couple of messages on fb (like: "Hey, i'd appreciate if we could talk, had a terrible day, would be great to hear your voice"). He neither read the messages nor answered his phone. I've seen him active on facebook commenting some pictures from his other account and I don't believe he would not check his phone for more than 4 hours, as he always has his phone with him. So it means he saw me call and ignored it. Why the hell? He claims to love me so much and acts like that when we meet, why not simply answer? It's always so hard to get him to answer his phone, I just don't get it... He also has such strong family values, I just can't believe a person with such high morals and such a tough life story would cheat....

 

What arguments could I have to make him realize that this habit of ignoring my calls is damaging and disrespectful towards me?

 

It's always so hard to get him to answer his phone, --

 

What arguments could I have to make him realize that this habit of ignoring my calls is damaging and disrespectful towards me?

 

He knows that ignoring phone calls from people is damaging and disrespectful. Everybody knows that.

 

You are simply seeing more of "who he is". We have been telling you that this guy is not as invested as you want him to be. Your original post was titled "Is he just not invested?"

 

You pop in every once in a while with a little update about one or two things he's done that make you so happy in that moment only to post about yet another issue that is upsetting you soon thereafter.

End this relationship now for your own good. It's unhealthy for you to be putting yourself through this. You cannot make someone be what you need/want them to be. He's just not the one . . .

[Lorenza]

Stop calling him, permanently. Don't dial him ever again.

 

You need to reverse the dynamic here.

 

I used to date this guy who would not always pick up my calls or would ignore my text. I stopped. All of it.

 

After a while he noticed and he said : Hey! what's wrong you don't call or text anymore? I said the truth. I said : You don't pick up or reply so I am done with reaching out to you.

 

From there he started calling me twice a day.

 

I might as well do that... So tired of reaching out. How hard can it be to answer a call? I'd understand if I was a whiny, never satisfied girlfriend, but he knows that our conversations are usually nice and that I just needed a shoulder these days... He didn't have a problem calling me when I was abroad for 2 weeks. Or if didn't call, he would spend a decent amount texting me while I was away. Nowadays it's just me banging my head against the wall when I try to contact him when we're apart.

[Lorenza]

It's always so hard to get him to answer his phone, --

 

What arguments could I have to make him realize that this habit of ignoring my calls is damaging and disrespectful towards me?

 

He knows that ignoring phone calls from people is damaging and disrespectful. Everybody knows that.

 

You are simply seeing more of "who he is". We have been telling you that this guy is not as invested as you want him to be. Your original post was titled "Is he just not invested?"

 

You pop in every once in a while with a little update about one or two things he's done that make you so happy in that moment only to post about yet another issue that is upsetting you soon thereafter.

End this relationship now for your own good. It's unhealthy for you to be putting yourself through this. You cannot make someone be what you need/want them to be. He's just not the one . . .

 

I might have some co-dependency issues though... Have never ended a relationship by myself, no matter how bad it was (and I had a relationship with a slightly abusive narcissist who put me down every so often). The idea of ending a relationship with someone I care for makes me wanna literally die. Maybe I need to seek help...

[Gaeta]

The idea of ending a relationship with someone I care for makes me wanna literally die. Maybe I need to seek help...

 

But you're not gonna die.

 

We all go through that and no one dies from it.

[Gaeta]

Lorenza: Let him show you what he's made of. Like I said stop calling and texting. Completely. Only talk to him when he's calling or texting. Let it run like this for a while and see what he's made of. You will see the real him.

[Maggie4]

I don't always pick up calls from people I love. Some of them understand, so it's no problem. To the ones who don't, I explain: I turn off my phone and can't pick up your calls when I need alone time. But then I'm not on facebook during that time so it's more acceptable to the other person.

[Lorenza]

I don't always pick up calls from people I love. Some of them understand, so it's no problem. To the ones who don't, I explain: I turn off my phone and can't pick up your calls when I need alone time. But then I'm not on facebook during that time so it's more acceptable to the other person.

 

He always picks up his phone when he's at my place and someone's calling him...

[Redhead14]

I might have some co-dependency issues though... Have never ended a relationship by myself, no matter how bad it was (and I had a relationship with a slightly abusive narcissist who put me down every so often). The idea of ending a relationship with someone I care for makes me wanna literally die. Maybe I need to seek help...

 

I think you do have a co-dependency issue. Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

 

In this relationship you are/have attempted to support his addiction -- workaholism and immersing himself in everything he does, except you, and at your own expense. You are losing yourself in this relationship.

 

But, I truly feel that you are struggling to keep this relationship not necessarily because of co-dependency but because you are exhibiting a core feature of that: Excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.

 

I do think you would benefit from seeking counseling. I agree with the posts above that suggest that you stop calling or texting him altogether for awhile simply because you need a break not because you want to draw him out.

 

Stop putting so much of yourself and your energy into the relationship and start focusing on YOU. You are wearing yourself down. Stress and fatigue will take it's toll on you. Be good to yourself.

[Lorenza]

I don't always pick up calls from people I love. Some of them understand, so it's no problem. To the ones who don't, I explain: I turn off my phone and can't pick up your calls when I need alone time. But then I'm not on facebook during that time so it's more acceptable to the other person.

 

But glad to know he's not the only one like that, makes it more normal..

[Redhead14]

But glad to know he's not the only one like that, makes it more normal..

 

And, in his case, this explanation makes more sense that you assuming he's cheating . . . you are blowing things up in your head without empirical evidence and not looking at the bigger picture which in an of itself is a result of stress.

 

And, if you put this in perspective against the fact that he is so busy, it's just more emphasis on the fact that his being so busy and so involved in so much, doesn't/won't work for you. You seem to need someone who is much more attentive and available. He's shown you for the last few months that he can't be that for you and, more importantly, he doesn't want to.

 

Again, give yourself a break.

[Lorenza]

And, in his case, this explanation makes more sense that you assuming he's cheating . . . you are blowing things up in your head without empirical evidence and not looking at the bigger picture which in an of itself is a result of stress.

 

And, if you put this in perspective against the fact that he is so busy, it's just more emphasis on the fact that his being so busy and so involved in so much, doesn't/won't work for you. You seem to need someone who is much more attentive and available. He's shown you for the last few months that he can't be that for you and, more importantly, he doesn't want to.

 

Again, give yourself a break.

 

I don't think he's cheating, never even thought about it, in the first post I just meant to make it clear for the readers, that I would have it hard to believe he's cheating, if someone claimed that.

But is it even possible for a workaholic like that to change and start finding those 5 minutes of his day to start being more attentive and available?

I know, btw, that the relationship before me was ended by a girl who thought he didn't spare enough time for her. Which he dismissed completely and put the blame to her being hard to satisfy. I'm afraid I will hear similar answer, though he claims that this relationship means more to him that any others...

[Gaeta]

But is it even possible for a workaholic like that to change and start finding those 5 minutes of his day to start being more attentive and available?

I hate to remind you that even though he's a workaholic he is still finding time to make comments on friend's wall on FB while your text remains unattended.

 

 

I know, btw, that the relationship before me was ended by a girl who thought he didn't spare enough time for her. Which he dismissed completely and put the blame to her being hard to satisfy. I'm afraid I will hear similar answer, though he claims that this relationship means more to him that any others...

 

Sure maybe it means more but he's not handling it any different than the previous relationships.

[Redhead14]

I don't think he's cheating, never even thought about it, in the first post I just meant to make it clear for the readers, that I would have it hard to believe he's cheating, if someone claimed that.

But is it even possible for a workaholic like that to change and start finding those 5 minutes of his day to start being more attentive and available?

I know, btw, that the relationship before me was ended by a girl who thought he didn't spare enough time for her. Which he dismissed completely and put the blame to her being hard to satisfy. I'm afraid I will hear similar answer, though he claims that this relationship means more to him that any others...

 

I know, btw, that the relationship before me was ended by a girl who thought he didn't spare enough time for her. -- History repeats itself.

 

he claims that this relationship means more to him that any others... He probably said that to them as well.

 

But is it even possible for a workaholic like that to change and start finding those 5 minutes of his day to start being more attentive and available? -- It is possible for someone who wants to.

 

He's heard all this before, trust me. He's not changing for anyone.

[joseb]

I might have some co-dependency issues though... Have never ended a relationship by myself, no matter how bad it was (and I had a relationship with a slightly abusive narcissist who put me down every so often). The idea of ending a relationship with someone I care for makes me wanna literally die. Maybe I need to seek help...

 

If you really feel like this, then yes, I think you would benefit from some counselling.

 

For me the not answering phone thing in itself wouldn't be a huge issue. I disagree that it's necessary disrespectfull.

People are too fond of expecting others to answer 24 7.

 

However. In this case, he is commenting on social media so he obviously isn't busy or needing time alone, so yeah, that's not good.

 

I haven't read your other threads but I get the impression from this and what others mention that he's just not that into you.

[katiegrl]

I know, btw, that the relationship before me was ended by a girl who thought he didn't spare enough time for her. -- History repeats itself.

 

he claims that this relationship means more to him that any others... He probably said that to them as well.

 

But is it even possible for a workaholic like that to change and start finding those 5 minutes of his day to start being more attentive and available? -- It is possible for someone who wants to.

 

 

 

 

He's heard all this before, trust me. He's not changing for anyone.

 

I beg to differ with last sentence.

 

I think he *will* change, when he encounters a woman who inspires him to change.

 

Perhaps that women will be elusive herself, extremely independent, needs quite a bit of emotional space herself, or perhaps not even interested in him.

 

Lorenza, all this *hanging in there*, trying to be understanding, but then calling him ad nauseum (and yes 4-5 calls within a 3-hour period is ad nauseum) when it's clear he's pulling back, isn't doing you (or him) any good at all.

 

Leave him alone, agree with Gaeta, STOP calling. Stop texting. Stop doing anything to get his attention.

 

You will find out REAL FAST how invested he is. .... or not.

 

And yes, please seek therapy. For your anxiety, co-dependency and attachment issues.

 

Among other things, you need to learn when to pull back yourself, when approriate, not just in this RL, but in your future relationships as well.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

 

.

[Lorenza]

If you really feel like this, then yes, I think you would benefit from some counselling.

 

For me the not answering phone thing in itself wouldn't be a huge issue. I disagree that it's necessary disrespectfull.

People are too fond of expecting others to answer 24 7.

 

However. In this case, he is commenting on social media so he obviously isn't busy or needing time alone, so yeah, that's not good.

 

I haven't read your other threads but I get the impression from this and what others mention that he's just not that into you.

 

He claims to be 100% into me, recently even said he'd be absolutely heartbroken if he lost me and that he'd never break up with me without a huge reason and that I'm already as important as a family member to him. I just don't get it... I would also understand the need for alone time but as you say, he then goes on facebook and comments some pictures of his relatives, but from another account, not the one I usually write to. Might be a short distraction in between of his endless work, but then he could as well call me for a second too...

[Maggie4]

But glad to know he's not the only one like that, makes it more normal..

 

And when he is with you, he is not alone, he is in social-mode, so of course he picks up. I don't answer my phone when I am reading a good book. I can't just put down my book and talk about why his lawn mower isn't working.

 

The best thing to do is just ask him. It's probably something he can explain.

[Gaeta]

He claims to be 100% into me, .

 

He can claim anything he wants it's just words. I wonder how long his ex girlfriend hung onto the relationship because of his words.

[katiegrl]

And when he is with you, he is not alone, he is in social-mode, so of course he picks up. I don't answer my phone when I am reading a good book. I can't just put down my book and talk about why his lawn mower isn't working.

 

The best thing to do is just ask him. It's probably something he can explain.

 

She did ask (previous thread) after which he harshly snapped back, telling her he is too busy to contact her, then proceeded to ignore her texts for the rest of the night.

[Lorenza]

I beg to differ with last sentence.

 

I think he *will* change, when he encounters a woman who inspires him to change.

 

Perhaps that women will be elusive herself, extremely independent, needs quite a bit of emotional space herself, or perhaps not even interested in him.

 

Lorenza, all this *hanging in there*, trying to be understanding, but then calling him ad nauseum (and yes 4-5 calls within a 3-hour period is ad nauseum) when it's clear he's pulling back, isn't doing you (or him) any good at all.

 

Leave him alone, agree with Gaeta, STOP calling. Stop texting. Stop doing anything to get his attention.

 

You will find out REAL FAST how invested he is. .... or not.

 

And yes, please seek therapy. For your anxiety, co-dependency and attachment issues.

 

Among other things, you need to learn when to pull back yourself, when approriate, not just in this RL, but in your future relationships as well.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

 

.

 

I just don't understand how can I not be that woman to inspire him, when he says I'm all he needs and he admires and loves me? He literally tells me everytime we meet how sweet and nice girl I am, I just don't understand...

He's been with women who would treat him cold and would keep distance and he claims how he would never want to go back to that. They were also controlling and jealous, which I'm not - unlike them I never snoop, never complain about him going out on his own etc. How he can be adoring and then ignore me...

 

About the calling and writing - i even checked how many times I called him this month. I called on 5 different days this month, today 4 times, the other 4 days - 2 times each. He answered me once and called himself 1. Am I acting crazy? Is it too many calls?

But I hear you all and will stop reaching out by myself completely

[Lorenza]

And when he is with you, he is not alone, he is in social-mode, so of course he picks up. I don't answer my phone when I am reading a good book. I can't just put down my book and talk about why his lawn mower isn't working.

 

The best thing to do is just ask him. It's probably something he can explain.

 

I did, he got a bit irritated and said that he forgets to call/text because he's focused on his programming projects

[Gaeta]

I just don't understand how can I not be that woman to inspire him, when he says I'm all he needs and he admires and loves me? He literally tells me everytime we meet how sweet and nice girl I am, I just don't understand...

He's been with women who would treat him cold and would keep distance and he claims how he would never want to go back to that. They were also controlling and jealous, which I'm not - unlike them I never snoop, never complain about him going out on his own etc. How he can be adoring and then ignore me...

 

Lorenza do you see where he's all talk and no actions?