thecrucible Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 For me, the best thing about being single is having free time and the freedom to entertain myself in whatever way I want, not feeling that I'm tied to anything. I've gotten to know myself better through being single for a couple of years. When I came out of a 3 year relationship in 2011, I actually wanted to be single. Now I'm just feeling the negatives are far greater than the positives of being single. The negatives are that I'm starting to crave a deeper connection with someone. I have my friends but it's not the same. I'm also getting really fed up with dating and the conveyor belt of prospects going nowhere, not finding many men my age who are looking for a serious relationship. There are lot of things I enjoy doing by myself that I know I would enjoy far more with a partner - traveling, going to the theatre, days out and that sort of thing. While I don't define myself by my romantic relationships, I'm just bothered that people are starting to come to certain conclusions about me because I'm not with someone - that there's something wrong with me, or I'm too picky. After the rigmarole of online dating, I find I'm frustrated by the amount of times that I meet someone but I just don't feel a deep enough connection even though I know they'd be a good prospect if there was something there. Either that, or I meet a tonne of people I don't think I have enough in common with even if there is a mutual attraction. I just turned 26. I'm working but it's only part time and I don't make enough to move out from my parents' house. I get on well with my mum but not with my dad as much. My dad has a lot of bad tempers and yells at me for minor mistakes like leaving the door open when I leave the room. I also have to watch my parents bicker a lot. I'm hoping to eventually get a full time job, move out and make a better life for myself away from my small town but I never expected I'd be living with my parents at 26. Please tell me life gets better after your twenties. I'm not one to sit about, complain but do nothing. I want to out and do more things to meet new men but I can't do it through my social circles at the moment. I know I will have to do it by going to places by myself (but that always looks weird as a woman) and will no doubt make me tired as I'll be forced to travel 50 miles to the nearest city to put myself out there and meet eligible bachelors. To top it off, I'm not exactly the best person to break the ice as if I actually like a guy, I tend to not flirt while I flirt with men I don't fancy. Well if I fancy a man, I just think "why the hell would he fancy me?" haha Anyway, I'm waffling but I'm just hoping there will be someone here with advice who's experienced the same kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
brokengirl85 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 It's kind of difficult to meet guys in your situation, partly because guys like independent women. You're 26, did you go to college? That's a great place to find guys. Your best possible situation would be to move out from your parents house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Hey brokengirl85, I have graduated from university - I finished a couple of years ago. My degree actually took me longer to complete due to needing treatment for anxiety and depression. But I have come a long way since then and things seem to be getting a lot better. Unfortunately I cannot move out as I don't earn enough money working 20 hours a week. I agree that moving out would be my best bet. I've just got to keep applying for full time jobs and keep hoping. Just because I live with my parents, doesn't mean I'm not independent. I just don't have a choice right now until I start earning more money. My work sector is pretty competitive - sometimes I will see a full time position but it will be a temporary contract. I've just been made permanent in my job, although it's part time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I'm curious why - at 26 - you are only working part-time and not motivated to work full time and get a place on your own? Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I'm curious why - at 26 - you are only working part-time and not motivated to work full time and get a place on your own? She's applying to full time jobs. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Jobs and finances aside, generally it is better for singles to live in a city: more opportunities for jobs, romance, and just experiencing all the things that a city has to offer. You should apply to jobs in the place you want to live. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 I'm curious why - at 26 - you are only working part-time and not motivated to work full time and get a place on your own? I am. I apply for hundreds of jobs every month but as I said, my sector is competitive and there aren't many full time jobs going. When there are full time jobs, they get many hundreds of applicants. I also only earn minimum wage at the moment - I couldn't afford to rent a place on my wages. With all due respect, I am just getting a lot of criticism when I am only here asking for advice. If I could get a magic wand and add money to my bank account, I sure would because I could do with some money. But I can't because magic isn't real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Jobs and finances aside, generally it is better for singles to live in a city: more opportunities for jobs, romance, and just experiencing all the things that a city has to offer. You should apply to jobs in the place you want to live. That's what I'm thinking of doing. I think I should maybe be less specific in my job search and go for jobs which don't directly reflect my career ambitions at the moment. Maybe I am being too specific as there aren't a lot of jobs out there. I would love to move to a city so much. I like my small town but I just want to spread my wings a bit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 That's what I'm thinking of doing. I think I should maybe be less specific in my job search and go for jobs which don't directly reflect my career ambitions at the moment. Maybe I am being too specific as there aren't a lot of jobs out there. I would love to move to a city so much. I like my small town but I just want to spread my wings a bit. Yeah, after college, I just packed one bag and headed out to New York City, found an apartment with several cool people in east village. So many young people there and so easy to make new friends. We were all poor and ate only one meal a day but it was great! The time to do it is when you're in your 20's. Later I moved around for jobs, and found it hard to be serious with men in a town where I have no intention of setting down roots. So I'd say, find the place that makes you happy, then find the man locally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Yeah, after college, I just packed one bag and headed out to New York City, found an apartment with several cool people in east village. So many young people there and so easy to make new friends. We were all poor and ate only one meal a day but it was great! The time to do it is when you're in your 20's. Later I moved around for jobs, and found it hard to be serious with men in a town where I have no intention of setting down roots. So I'd say, find the place that makes you happy, then find the man locally. Ah I sometimes wish I had done the whole grab a bag move to a city thing. I would do it now if I wasn't in a job. But I would find it quite the adventure to move to a new place if I got a job there. I think this would be a good part of growing for me. I think you hit the nail on the head about something else as well. I want a serious relationship but when I meet men here who seem like they want to stick around here while I'm secretly getting itchy feet about moving somewhere else, I just know it wouldn't work. It sounds like you had quite the adventure in New York! I miss everything about the university social life and having lots of options of things to do every evening. I feel quite lonely a lot of the time as I just feel like although I have friends, I don't get a chance to confide in them often. The only outlet for my angst is forums like this. I don't like asking my parents for advice about stuff as it tends to make me feel worse. They don't ask me often about how my day was, what I've been up to or my future plans - I have to take all the initiative with all that. I'm just coming through a period of low motivation. My mood has been kind of low and I'm just super scared of the future. When I was 13 or something, I thought I might be at least in a graduate level job and maybe engaged by now. I'm really scared everything will go wrong, I won't find a job in a city I like or it will take a long time and I'll end up 30 and not be where I want to be romantically and in terms of my lifestyle and profession (not that there's anything wrong with that, it just freaks me out). Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Don't worry about things too far ahead. Life tends to surprise you. If you don't like being where you are, people pick up on that vibe, you know. People naturally gravitate towards positive energy. And if you're wanting to move, you instinctively close yourself off to a serious relationship with a local. That's what happened with me when I was on temporary assignments. Again, men pick up on that. You are so young. Keep looking for a job where you want to live. Be flexible with the type of work. I dunno... some might suggest you meet men locally by joining activities and such. For me, I don't feel like doing those things until my living situation is sorted out. And your Dad giving you a hard time adds to the stress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Yeah, after college, I just packed one bag and headed out to New York City, found an apartment with several cool people in east village. So many young people there and so easy to make new friends. We were all poor and ate only one meal a day but it was great! The time to do it is when you're in your 20's. Later I moved around for jobs, and found it hard to be serious with men in a town where I have no intention of setting down roots. So I'd say, find the place that makes you happy, then find the man locally. This is the best advice. Also I would add if you can't find work in your sector just yet but you've given it several months, just pick the city you like and do a part time one in your sector and another part time for money purposes only (like waitressing or whatever). that will put some fire into your life and you will probably meet guys if you take on a job like that as well. If it's possible to move to a city where you could keep the current job you have but commute to it since it is only 20 hours, that's what I would do for the time being---then have a weekend or another part time job so that you can afford to live on your own or with roommates. You can visit your country area and where your parents live so you have that element in your life sometimes. I think it's just a matter that you will not find many 26ish, cool guys (of your sort either-because you are pretty cool) in the suburbs or rural areas. I would add that the struggle (positive one) and bit of chaos of scrambling like this usually attracts people to you rather than being somewhat stagnant or feeling stuck and quiet. Get yourself to Glasgow quick. It's so fun there!! how could you not!! Cute guys all over was my observation!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Don't worry about things too far ahead. Life tends to surprise you. If you don't like being where you are, people pick up on that vibe, you know. People naturally gravitate towards positive energy. And if you're wanting to move, you instinctively close yourself off to a serious relationship with a local. That's what happened with me when I was on temporary assignments. Again, men pick up on that. You are so young. Keep looking for a job where you want to live. Be flexible with the type of work. I dunno... some might suggest you meet men locally by joining activities and such. For me, I don't feel like doing those things until my living situation is sorted out. And your Dad giving you a hard time adds to the stress. Maggie is on point with all this advice. I've advised friends in exactly similar situations the same thing!! Pick your city and get an ideal living situation (for a 26 year old starting her career) in place and then I'm pretty sure it will all fall in place. Link to post Share on other sites
brokengirl85 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Hi there, I'm sorry you're not getting the job you need to move on from your parents home. Maybe you could find a room to share?? Maybe you could rent with three or four friends? I don't think is healthy you continue living there, just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Stop being so hard on yourself. Times are tough, life outside your parent's home is expensive and even more difficult if you don't have a friend to share a flat. not everyone reaches success at 26. As long as you have positive goals and are working on them, what more can you really do? You want to meet someone, you need to get involved with your community. Volunteer for events, be a part of events or join a club or charity. The more active you are, the more people you will meets...make new friends, develop a solid social circle and enjoy life on a new level. It's all about being positive, and not letting your situation dictate who you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Maggie is on point with all this advice. I've advised friends in exactly similar situations the same thing!! Pick your city and get an ideal living situation (for a 26 year old starting her career) in place and then I'm pretty sure it will all fall in place. Hey there! Yeah.. that's how things fall into place. There was a period of my life when I thought I should find the man first, then be with him or follow him and that would be where I'd live. I thought, it's so hard to find the right man, and so that should be priority, I can live anywhere. Nope, It doesn't work. It's the other way around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Hi there, I'm sorry you're not getting the job you need to move on from your parents home. Maybe you could find a room to share?? Maybe you could rent with three or four friends? I don't think is healthy you continue living there, just my opinion. Maybe not everyone has3 or 4 friends to move out with? I sure don't. It's 2016... The cost of living is too much for the majority of college grads to move out of home. I think being judgmental is unhealthy. Not living at home because you can't afford to move out. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 You might as well ask what the meaning of life is. Because I don't know the answer to that either. You're 26? I'm 41 and I don't know how to answer that question but I did ask such questions of the world at different times. And the answer is still "I don't know". Keep moving forward is all I can say and try new things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Stop being so hard on yourself. Times are tough, life outside your parent's home is expensive and even more difficult if you don't have a friend to share a flat. not everyone reaches success at 26. As long as you have positive goals and are working on them, what more can you really do? You want to meet someone, you need to get involved with your community. Volunteer for events, be a part of events or join a club or charity. The more active you are, the more people you will meets...make new friends, develop a solid social circle and enjoy life on a new level. It's all about being positive, and not letting your situation dictate who you are. Thank you smackie. I appreciate your advice. Maybe I am being too hard on myself? I actually am quite involved in my community. I've volunteered for over 12 years with young people, mainly with teenagers and 5 to 7 year olds in a youth group and working with kids with special needs. I have been on 2 local committees organising events and raising community issues. I write a newsletter for a local historical society and I occasionally run a fundraising stall for that society at local fairs. I'm also go to the gym and am a member of sports club meeting once a week for practice. I like to run as well. I did a half marathon a couple of years ago and just about died (hoping to get back into it soon). I was doing a part time postgrad but I had to drop out due to my lacking confidence in myself (I'm an intelligent person but I never achieve my potential due to self doubt) and not having enough free time. I found it quite upsetting as I am a bit of an overachiever. I'm literally the worst at making new friends - I must work on it. I am good at making acquaintances and people know my face around town. I'm not very good at turning acquaintances into close friends as I am a little slow to trust people. It takes me a bit of time to feel comfortable. I probably feel like I miss some intimate and close conversation - it feels like something is missing. But I'm getting on better with my friends now as I am finding it easier to open up with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Get yourself to Glasgow quick. It's so fun there!! how could you not!! Cute guys all over was my observation!! I love Glasgow. I've been going down there for concerts. I've just booked a couple days off work to see Beyoncé on tour this summer with a couple of friends. I may turn it into a week and find somewhere cheap like a hostel and do some exploring. You know what in the next week or so, I'd like to take a long weekend off work and go to a city - that might give me a wee spring in my step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Maybe not everyone has3 or 4 friends to move out with? I sure don't. It's 2016... The cost of living is too much for the majority of college grads to move out of home. I think being judgmental is unhealthy. Not living at home because you can't afford to move out. It'd be cool for me to move out with friends. Of my 3 close friends, two of them live with their partners. One of my best friends has long term partner (8 years going strong) and they live with his parents -shows how bonkers the rental prices are at the moment. Another friend lives with her boyfriend and another friend of mine lives a 5 minute walk away and I don't see the point of moving out to somewhere 5 minutes away. Anyway a good point was definitely made - finding someone to move out with is definitely the way to do it if you are able. Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I'm curious why - at 26 - you are only working part-time and not motivated to work full time and get a place on your own? Because more and more companies only hire part-time. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 I love Glasgow. I've been going down there for concerts. I've just booked a couple days off work to see Beyoncé on tour this summer with a couple of friends. I may turn it into a week and find somewhere cheap like a hostel and do some exploring. You know what in the next week or so, I'd like to take a long weekend off work and go to a city - that might give me a wee spring in my step. Yeah, that's a great idea. I would try to make it down there even before that to do your exploration. I think once you have something you are working toward it will help your spirits, drive and ooompfh! Music scene is great there. That's what I did while I was there the most and where I saw all these cute guys I speak of. Edgy types but maybe that would be just perfect for you. It can be hard when all your friends have bfs and live with them as well. You should actively make some new friends that can be single with you as well. It never hurts to expand your friend base. Could you, through social media, and extended network of friends and friends of friends, meet up with some people in your chosen city to have them show you around? Then develop and grow some of those friendships where you head there on weekends to hang out with them and pretty soon through that local network of friends you will find some potential roommates. You have to take a risk for sure. I know it's not easy if you are the type who likes to live alone or be a little reluctant to open up so easily. You just have to look at it from the other point of view--that in order to get/have the life you want, it will involve some risks and being outside of your comfort zone. You can do it though! good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 25, 2016 Author Share Posted February 25, 2016 Thanks Versacehottie. I really appreciate your advice. I don't know what is at the moment but I do feel unsettled. The thing I love my job and I have reasonable social life - though not the kind that enables me to meet men. I am only part-time but I enjoy the job so it can be hard to take the plunge and apply for other jobs unless I really want them. Being full time would give me more of an income. But I feel lucky to be where I am as my job was initially a short term contract which was only until January but it was extended. My colleagues are always jokingly trying to get me set up with men so they will always ask what men are in my life. One of my colleagues said to me today "You better get going. You don't want to leave it too late" after I said "I'm not really bothered so much anymore. I just dated a few bad people so it makes me really cynical". I'm kind of afraid of dating and meeting a guy who isn't interested in moving to another place like I am. I'll meet really cute guys from time but my heart won't be in it to push for more even though a relationship appeals to me. I kind of want to feel better about where I am so I don't think there's something missing before I try and find someone but it can feel like I am running out of time, or at least it does when other people make it sound that way. I really appreciate your advice you guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 25, 2016 Author Share Posted February 25, 2016 Because more and more companies only hire part-time. That's where I am atm. It sucks because I really enjoy my job and would do it full time if I could. Link to post Share on other sites
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