He won't do anything sexual with me?!

[Mimispark]

my boyfriend is religious (Christian) and doesn't believe in doing anything sexual. He is 18. I on the other hand have done (pretty much) everything but sex.

I decided to break up with him after 4 1/2 months of dating because it was really hard for me and he lives far from my house (but goes to my house.) it was so hard to break up with him because I'm in genuine love with him. He begged me for another chance to prove himself and prove he can change the relationship. I said no.

My ex boyfriend from the summer has been pursuing me and yrsterday, the day after I broke up with my religious boyfriend I went to my ex's house and did... Stuff... with him. naked. That is farther than I've ever gone with the religious boyfriend who will only make out with me.

Afterwards, I felt nauseous and guilty because of how I feel about the religious boyfriend. I talked to him and told him what I did, and he forgave me and we are back together.

I told my ex and he's so sad because he has strong feelings for me and I'm sad too because I like him and everything is fun with him. But it didn't feel right. It feels right with my boyfriend but the thought of only making out with him for another like 7 months before he goes to college exghausted me yet I clearly can't break up with him. And now I'm in a show with my ex so I feel really bad and awkward.

What do you think of this? ALSO a lot of people think my boyfriend is gay... Like a lot of people. but I don't think he is. Also how do I know if I can actually be with someone who I will never be sexual with and to be honest, who probably won't be good anyway? And do I have the strength not to care?

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts..... I'm in a mess and I really need help. Thank you!

 

I also have small feelings for the ex who is crushed I got back with my boyfriend. Every time I chose I end up wanting what I didn't.

[Gaeta]

The ex is an ex for a good reason so let him remain an ex.

 

You are incompatible with your current boyfriend. He hurts you, you hurt him, this is a destructive relationship that should end. Let him find himself a nice Christian girl that will date him with no sexual pressure.

 

You go out there and find yourself a brand new boyfriend that is better suited for you and your level of intimacy.

[katiegrl]

 

ALSO a lot of people think my boyfriend is gay... Like a lot of people. but I don't think he is.

 

Please elaborate on this ^^. Why do so many people think he's gay? Yes it IS very odd that an 18 year old man would not desire sex (with you - a female)....so I don't think you should dismiss this possibility so easily.

 

Truth is, you have NO idea whether or not he's gay.... you just don't want him to be gay, which is why you don't believe he is.

 

It would not be that uncommon if he were to realize this now. This is the age when he's discovering his own sexuality, and again, it is VERY unusual that an 18 year old man, who is peaking sexually, would not wish to have sex with you.

 

That said, and regardless though.... I agree with Gaeta, you are incompatible, hurting each other.... you are both very very young, end this so you can each find a more suitable partner.

 

Best of luck.

 

Edited to add -- and while Christians don't believe in intercourse before marriage.... they certainly engage in other sexual activities before marriage, so the fact your boyfriend has no desire for any sexual activity with you.... is VERY telling, and IMO would lend itself to at least considering that he might be gay.

Edited February 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[Mimispark]

The ex is an ex for a good reason so let him remain an ex.

 

He hurts you, you hurt him, .

 

What do you mean by I hurt him and he hurts me? How are we hurting eachother? I mean isn't the issue that he isn't at the same comfort level as me? Also when you say "good Christian girl" does that imply I'm maybe not as good as he is? I really fear he may love me and care for me deeply but be gay. It's just a theory though.....

Ps when I tried to break up with him, he cried and told me to give him another chance and repeatedly said it wasn't fair that I wouldn't. I'm also terrified of being alone after breaking up.

[Mimispark]

Yes I do think it's a large possibility he is. I asked him if he would cuddle naked and he said "possibly." That's not even sexual intercourse of any kind. Everyone asks me if he's gay, talks about how they think he is, and a drunk man on the train said to me "I think ur boyfriend is gay."

It's because he does theater and he's very theaterical in his talking and has a kind of "gay" voice. So in turn, everyone assumes his sexuality.

[Mimispark]

Please elaborate on this ^^. Why do so many people think he's gay? Yes it IS very odd that an 18 year old man would not desire sex (with you - a female)....so I don't think you should dismiss this possibility so easily..

 

Yes I do think it's a large possibility he is. I asked him if he would cuddle naked and he said "possibly." That's not even sexual intercourse of any kind. Everyone asks me if he's gay, talks about how they think he is, and a drunk man on the train said to me "I think ur boyfriend is gay."

It's because he does theater and he's very theaterical in his talking and has a kind of "gay" voice. So in turn, everyone assumes his sexuality.

[Gaeta]

What do you mean by I hurt him and he hurts me? How are we hurting eachother? I mean isn't the issue that he isn't at the same comfort level as me? Also when you say "good Christian girl" does that imply I'm maybe not as good as he is? I really fear he may love me and care for me deeply but be gay. It's just a theory though.....

Ps when I tried to break up with him, he cried and told me to give him another chance and repeatedly said it wasn't fair that I wouldn't. I'm also terrified of being alone after breaking up.

 

 

He hurts you because he cannot give you the level of intimacy you need to feel fulfilled.

 

You hurt him because you are pressuring him for sexual intimacy and that conflicts him deeply because of his religious belief.

 

You feel dissatisfied. Did you stop for a minute and think how being pressured against his religious belief felt like?

 

When you love someone you don't want them to be constantly conflicted inside.

 

I am not saying you are not good. The good Christian girl is just an expression, not meant to judge you in anyway.

 

If ever he is gay of course he won't want to break up with you. He's in the closet. He's not ready to face his sexual identity. You are his garantee that people won't accuse him of being gay as long as you date.

 

Bottom line: It does not matter why he doesn't want to be more intimate with you. It makes you both unhappy so you should break it off and both find better suited partners

[Gaeta]

Yes I do think it's a large possibility he is. I asked him if he would cuddle naked and he said "possibly." That's not even sexual intercourse of any kind. Everyone asks me if he's gay, talks about how they think he is, and a drunk man on the train said to me "I think ur boyfriend is gay."

It's because he does theater and he's very theaterical in his talking and has a kind of "gay" voice. So in turn, everyone assumes his sexuality.

 

You should not judge what is morally acceptable for him and what's not. If anything physical is a sin to him, even cuddling naked, then don't pressure him. I find it very disturbing that you pressure him into anything. It may be trivial to you but it is probably a big deal to him. Don't judge for him what he can and cannot do.

[Mimispark]

Yes I do think it's a large possibility he is. I asked him if he would cuddle naked and he said "possibly." That's not even sexual intercourse of any kind. Everyone asks me if he's gay, talks about how they think he is, and a drunk man on the train said to me "I think ur boyfriend is gay."

It's because he does theater and he's very theaterical in his talking and has a kind of "gay" voice. So in turn, everyone assumes his sexuality.

 

You should not judge what is morally acceptable for him and what's not. If anything physical is a sin to him, even cuddling naked, then don't pressure him. I find it very disturbing that you pressure him into anything. It may be trivial to you but it is probably a big deal to him. Don't judge for him what he can and cannot do.

 

 

Oh no! I'm sorry if I made it seem that way.... I told him I'm 100% supportive of his choices and that I accept it and will stand by him. I just happen to not be satisfied or not exactly satisfied but.... More so feel wanted.

[preraph]

Could be gay, could have erectile dysfunction, could be straight but extremely fearful of sex due to his upbringing or religion. Anyway, he's got a few years before he figures it out, so get a real boyfriend.

[fitnessfan365]

In all honesty, you sound like you don't know what the hell you want.

 

You hooked up with your ex Mr. Summer the day after you ended it with Mr. Religion. Then you immediately reconcile with Mr. Religion even though you claim to still have a bit of feeling for Mr. Summer. The first thing you should do IMO is truly make up your mind. It's not fair to either guy to bounce around like a pinball.

 

BTW - Have you ever considered that Mr. Religious wants to remain a virgin until marriage and that he only wants to make out because anything else is too much temptation?

[Mimispark]

In all honesty, you sound like you don't know what the hell you want.

 

You hooked up with your ex Mr. Summer the day after you ended it with Mr. Religion. Then you immediately reconcile with Mr. Religion even though you claim to still have a bit of feeling for Mr. Summer. The first thing you should do IMO is truly make up your mind. It's not fair to either guy to bounce around like a pinball.

 

BTW - Have you ever considered that Mr. Religious wants to remain a virgin until marriage and that he only wants to make out because anything else is too much temptation?

 

Yes it's true I don't know what I want. Yes it's true that's a possibility but in all honesty none of these facts help me make a decision. It's such a sticky situation because I seriously love... "Mr. Religious".... But even on a physical and even on a day-to-day basis on a conversational level I don't feel close enough to him. We have never had that closeness and comfortableness

[Mimispark]

Could be gay, could have erectile dysfunction, could be straight but extremely fearful of sex due to his upbringing or religion. Anyway, he's got a few years before he figures it out, so get a real boyfriend.

 

Thank you. What do you mean by a "real boyfriend?" Because he does buy me my favorite coffee a lot, and when we do go on dates he always takes me out and pays, but we still don't have that closeness.

[fitnessfan365]

Yes it's true I don't know what I want. Yes it's true that's a possibility but in all honesty none of these facts help me make a decision. It's such a sticky situation because I seriously love... "Mr. Religious".... But even on a physical and even on a day-to-day basis on a conversational level I don't feel close enough to him. We have never had that closeness and comfortableness

 

Well as you get older and have more experience, you'll learn that communication is very important in dating. I mean you say you love Mr. Religious, but you don't even know if he wants to wait until marriage to have sex. Have you ever considered talking to him about it?

 

If that's the case, you need to move on because you're a very affectionate girl with a sex drive that needs to be with a guy that matches that.

[Mimispark]

Well as you get older and have more experience, you'll learn that communication is very important in dating. I mean you say you love Mr. Religious, but you don't even know if he wants to wait until marriage to have sex. Have you ever considered talking to him about it?

 

If that's the case, you need to move on because you're a very affectionate girl with a sex drive that needs to be with a guy that matches that.

 

Sorry I wasn't clear on what you were saying before; he is waiting for sex before marriage. I know it's just really hard to move on and he's just the sweetest purest soul and to hurt him hurts me. It feels absolutely terrible

[fitnessfan365]

Sorry I wasn't clear on what you were saying before; he is waiting for sex before marriage. I know it's just really hard to move on and he's just the sweetest purest soul and to hurt him hurts me. It feels absolutely terrible

 

Well you're only 18 and part of acting your age is having fun and getting to know your sexuality. I mean it'd be one thing you were highly religious and you two were planning on eventually getting married someday. Then it's your journey together.

 

But in this case, the best thing you can do is be honest w/him and say that you're looking for a boyfriend that you can sexual and affectionate with.

[katiegrl]

Well, whatever *is* going on with him, whether he's gay, extremely religious, fear of intimacy... or whatevs, it appears he is very emotionally attached to you, which is why he cries when you try to break up with him.

 

Whether his attachment is within the context of a *friendship* or *romantic* involvement is anyone's guess ...only HE knows the answer, so I would suggest you to talk to him and find out.

 

Be as open and honest about your feelings as you can...which will make him feel comfortable about opening up to you as well...with honesty and integrity.

 

If he is *sexually ambivalent* then be understanding, no judgment, he needs to feel emotionally safe before letting you into his world.

 

If it is something else.. same thing.

 

Bottom line, listen to him, but take care of YOU.

 

It is your heart on the line here, no one else's.

Edited February 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[Mimispark]

Well, whatever *is* going on with him, whether he's gay, extremely religious, fear of intimacy... or whatevs, it appears he is very emotionally attached to you, which is why he cries when you try to break up with him.

 

Whether his attachment is within the context of a *friendship* or *romantic* involvement is anyone's guess ...only HE knows the answer, so I would suggest you to talk to him and find out.

 

Be as open about your feelings as you can...which will make him feel comfortable about opening up to you as well...with honesty and integrity.

 

If he is *sexually ambivalent* then be understanding, no judgment, he needs to feel emotionally safe before letting you into his world.

 

If it is something else.. same thing.

 

Bottom line, listen to him, but take care of YOU.

 

It is your heart on the line here, no one else's.

 

He has told me that he deeply cares about me and loves me and has romantic emotions towards me he made that clear. But we have been dating for almost 5 months now and our relationship has remained so abstinent and the same; him getting me my favorite coffee, talking about how stressed we are, talking about stuff that happened in class, Laughing and talking, staring into eachothers eyes, kissing, holding hands. All that is important and fun but what I'm stuck on is wondering IF I NEED to go further than that. It bothers me that something in my mind wants me to because on the other hand id hate to break it off with my great partner.

[Gaeta]

He has told me that he deeply cares about me and loves me and has romantic emotions towards me he made that clear. But we have been dating for almost 5 months now and our relationship has remained so abstinent and the same; him getting me my favorite coffee, talking about how stressed we are, talking about stuff that happened in class, Laughing and talking, staring into eachothers eyes, kissing, holding hands. All that is important and fun but what I'm stuck on is wondering IF I NEED to go further than that. It bothers me that something in my mind wants me to because on the other hand id hate to break it off with my great partner.

 

Honey, he wants to wait till marriage. He's 18. You want to wait another 6 years. You 2 aren't romantically compatible. You need someone that will give you the level of intimacy you need and he will have to figure himself out.

 

He will be sad you break up with him but he'll get over it.

[Buddhist]

Okay, here are my thoughts....

 

1. You're a mess emotionally. You are displaying behaviours that clearly indicate you have no idea what you really want. Break up with one boy, go and get naked wth another one then get back together with the first boy all in a matter of days....crazy cakes. You might want to sort that stuff out.

 

2. There are very good reasons why people are telling you this boy is gay. He appears to have zero sex drive towards you and possibly other females. Sure he could be really religious, or he could simply be gay and in the closet. Whether or not you think he's gay isn't a good indicator, you've got an emotional investment in believing he's not. Many a woman has been married to and had kids with gay men. It happens and they never believe their husbands are gay either until they leave them for another man. There is also a high proportion of the gay community are actually bisexual. Being bisexual in a world that only accepts straight and gay is just about the worst place to be, so most bisexuals will not say they are bisexual. They will claim to be either gay or straight because it's easier. So there are lots of things which could 'potentially' be going on with him and to be honest you'd have no idea.

 

3. If you want to be with this boy you will have to realise that for whatever reason, he's not about to have sex with you anytime soon. If that's not cool with you, you need to break up. You don't have the option of being with him and expecting him to have sex with you. He's clearly demonstrated he's not about to do that. Don't even think you can change his mind because you won't.

 

I know what I would do in this situation but I doubt it's what you're hoping for. My guess is that you went and sexed up another boy as leverage to try and manipulate your current boyfriend into jumping in the sack with you. I don't think this will work and I think it also says volumes about your character.

[Mimispark]

Okay, here are my thoughts....

 

1. You're a mess emotionally. You are displaying behaviours that clearly indicate you have no idea what you really want. Break up with one boy, go and get naked wth another one then get back together with the first boy all in a matter of days....crazy cakes. You might want to sort that stuff out.

 

2. There are very good reasons why people are telling you this boy is gay. He appears to have zero sex drive towards you and possibly other females. Sure he could be really religious, or he could simply be gay and in the closet. Whether or not you think he's gay isn't a good indicator, you've got an emotional investment in believing he's not. Many a woman has been married to and had kids with gay men. It happens and they never believe their husbands are gay either until they leave them for another man. There is also a high proportion of the gay community are actually bisexual. Being bisexual in a world that only accepts straight and gay is just about the worst place to be, so most bisexuals will not say they are bisexual. They will claim to be either gay or straight because it's easier. So there are lots of things which could 'potentially' be going on with him and to be honest you'd have no idea.

 

3. If you want to be with this boy you will have to realise that for whatever reason, he's not about to have sex with you anytime soon. If that's not cool with you, you need to break up. You don't have the option of being with him and expecting him to have sex with you. He's clearly demonstrated he's not about to do that. Don't even think you can change his mind because you won't.

 

I know what I would do in this situation but I doubt it's what you're hoping for. My guess is that you went and sexed up another boy as leverage to try and manipulate your current boyfriend into jumping in the sack with you. I don't think this will work and I think it also says volumes about your character.

 

This was all very helpful and thank you so much for your input. I would just like to say, though, the other guy and I have a strong physical connection and he's been perusing me for weeks now and I was craving intimacy. I do not, under any circumstances want to manipulate my boyfriend and I do not under any circumstances expect him to have any kind of sex with me. My only issue is wondering if I can deal with this lack of intimacy. There is nothin wrong with my character I have just been confused and upset. Thank you.

Anyway, you are right. Having to wonder if he is gay is truly not a good sign.

 

Also, what is it that you would do in this situation?

Edited February 13, 2016 by Mimispark

[Buddhist]

This was all very helpful and thank you so much for your input. I would just like to say, though, the other guy and I have a strong physical connection and he's been perusing me for weeks now and I was craving intimacy. I do not, under any circumstances want to manipulate my boyfriend and I do not under any circumstances expect him to have any kind of sex with me. My only issue is wondering if I can deal with this lack of intimacy. There is nothin wrong with my character I have just been confused and upset. Thank you.

Anyway, you are right. Having to wonder if he is gay is truly not a good sign.

 

Also, what is it that you would do in this situation?

 

I don't want to come off as harsh but here's how I'm seeing things. If your desire for intimacy is strong enough that you turn to someone else to fill that void it tells you something. That being in a sexless relationship is not for you. No matter how much you might love someone, he's not offering you something very important to you. That tells you everything you need to know.

[preraph]

Thank you. What do you mean by a "real boyfriend?" Because he does buy me my favorite coffee a lot, and when we do go on dates he always takes me out and pays, but we still don't have that closeness.

 

That's what I mean. He is holding you at arm's length because of his issue, whatever it is, and has intimacy problems and having a romantic relationship is about being intimate emotionally and physically. Honestly, if it was really religion, he would be looking for a virgin in all likelihood. Even virgins who are virgins not for religious reasons are usually looking for a virgin because anyone with any experience will make them feel like they are inadequate and inexperienced (they are).

[Mimispark]

That's what I mean. He is holding you at arm's length because of his issue, whatever it is, and has intimacy problems and having a romantic relationship is about being intimate emotionally and physically. Honestly, if it was really religion, he would be looking for a virgin in all likelihood. Even virgins who are virgins not for religious reasons are usually looking for a virgin because anyone with any experience will make them feel like they are inadequate and inexperienced (they are).

 

This is true, but I am a Virgin.... I have just had 0ral. But if it isn't religion what is it? Because he told me it was but he also keeps kind of switching it and saying it's also that he's never done anything with a girl so he's not comfortable and the thing is we've been dating for 5 months. I think only making out after 5 months is crazy slow and he thinks it's fast (we have also sent pictures) but still.

[katiegrl]

This is true, but I am a Virgin.... I have just had 0ral. But if it isn't religion what is it? Because he told me it was but he also keeps kind of switching it and saying it's also that he's never done anything with a girl so he's not comfortable and the thing is we've been dating for 5 months. I think only making out after 5 months is crazy slow and he thinks it's fast (we have also sent pictures) but still.

 

Just out of curiosity, in what other ways is he religious? Does he go to Church every week? Does he pray, read the scriptures?

 

Does he follow God's laws in other ways, or just the no sex before marriage law?