LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I've been dating this girl for almost 6 months. She told me before hand that she was abused in the past, she had very nasty relationships one after another. Despite the fact that she was abused, she is awesome ... Caring, loving and supportive. We decided to give it a try and we started dating, I knew most of her past (or at least I thought so) and I was fine with it. Her ex was older than her, he started consuming drugs and became violent, extremely violent. I forgot to mention this was an arranged relationship (her father chose him to be her partner) I'm not completely sure if she was ever in love with him but she didn't want to be intimate with him. This guy drugged her and raped several times, she didn't know why she couldn't remember a lot of things. He also cracked her skull and stabbed several times... She tried to escape but he always found her and (yeah the beating was worse) threaten her with killing her and her family. She was living abroad, she had no one to ask for help. A few years ago, she fled the country where she was living with him...she spent almost a year escaping and running from different refugee centers. I can't imagine the hell she has been through but I admire her, her strength ... Her positive attitude and the fact that she is giving herself another chance to fall in love. I've been helping her since then, I stopped her from cutting herself (she doesn't do it anymore) ... She used to have horrible nightmares and I stayed with her until she fell asleep. Recently, she had a heart surgery and during that time I wasn't able to speak to her. I was missing her so badly that I started checking her Facebook and I ran into an account that was hers (from long ago)... In that account, I saw some posts in which she was more than friendly with another guy (I know this guy, he is suppose to be part of her family - her brother in law) ... I was confused, in some of those posts I saw the same things she told me. This happened in 2012, I asked her sister about that account and she said that she didn't know about it... However she asked: how did you found that account? So I was a bit concerned. I decided to not jump yo conclusions without knowing both sides of the coin so I asked her. According to her, she was posting those comments to make her ex angry (why in hell would any person do that? No idea) she knew her ex was reading the messages and I can assume she had escaped by the time she was doing that. This so called brother in law was married with her sister and he had a good relationship with my gf at that time so he went to visit her to the place she was hiding to see how she was doing. End of the story ... They ended up having sex. They were both drunk; however, she doesn't remember if they had sex or not. At the begging she said, there was no penetration (I didn't ask any of this information, all I asked was how did it happen) and later she said she didn't remember anything but sitting in a table with him laughing and then he trying to kiss her. She woke up with her bra and panties ... He claims, they didn't do anything. She considers him as family and I told her my opinion about him. In my eyes, he took advantage of her, the fact that she doesn't remember anything but he does means he was conscious. She said she was going to tell me all of this at the right time but it was a big shock for me. I know it happened long ago but I started thinking a lot or things ... What would happen if we fight and she gets drunk? Is she going to have sex with any guy out there? I've never been jealous in my life but all of this has had negative impact on me. Should I contact this brother in law and hear his side of the story? Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 So she might or might not had sex with someone while she was drunk in 2012 and you are worried that she will do it again? Did I understand right? Is she heavy drinker? Getting wasted? Do you guys fight a lot? How does she act or what does she do when you do fight? I dont think it is wise for you to contact someone and ask about somethings that happened in the past. Are you able to move on from that thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 She was open to tell me everything when I asked, when we started dating she still had contact with this guy. According to her, when her family found out about what they did, it created a rupture between their families. However, what I don't get is how can you keep a relationship like that? Whenever we have an argument ... Because we haven't had a serious fight (at least not yet) she always thinks it's her fault. I have to make her understand that sometimes that's not the case. I'm not going to lie ... This has created some tension in the relationship ... I just don't know what to do Link to post Share on other sites
Author LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 She used to drink but after that incident she stopped drinking Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 While I don't necessarily think she'll run out and have sex with someone else if you fight....I would be very concerned about the fact that she (maybe?) had sex with her sister's husband. What in the fresh heck? No, I don't think you should contact the brother-in-law. I doubt you'd get the truth and it is very likely to cause major drama. The sister you contacted is the same sister married to the aforementioned brother-in-law? Does your girlfriend still communicate with them? Your girlfriend's story is confusing. She doesn't remember anything but knows there was no penetration - which is it? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 If anything I wouldn't get involved with her past, but maybe get her into counseling so she can leave the past behind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 That's the main reason I started having my doubts ... It doesn't make any sense. I agree about avoiding contacting him. It's not the same sister, she moved back to the states. How can I ever move on if she keeps in contact with people that have hurt her in the past? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 That's the main reason I started having my doubts ... It doesn't make any sense. I agree about avoiding contacting him. It's not the same sister, she moved back to the states. How can I ever move on if she keeps in contact with people that have hurt her in the past? I'm a bit confused now - who exactly is she in contact with? Her ex or this brother-in-law? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 I'm a bit confused now - who exactly is she in contact with? Her ex or this brother-in-law? She is contact with the brother in law. As far as I know, She has sued her ex for domestic abuse and it's in process. Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 She is contact with the brother in law. As far as I know, She has sued her ex for domestic abuse and it's in process. Are you sure her story is real? Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 You've only been dating her for 6 months. There's a lot more you don't know. You decided to date her despite her troubled past with her ex. The brother in law is more of the same bad stuff from the past. But somehow the b-in-l episode bothers you more than the ex? A lot of times with abusive situations, the abuse is not 24/7. She wasn't getting her skull cracked every day. So you may find out she had good times with the violent ex and you wonder why. Besides, what you found out about this other family member is a past episode. She is not currently contacting him, right? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 She is contact with the brother in law. As far as I know, She has sued her ex for domestic abuse and it's in process. If it ruptured the family, I don't quite understand how or why she is still in contact with him. Her sister is ok with this? Something isn't making sense Link to post Share on other sites
Author LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 You've only been dating her for 6 months. There's a lot more you don't know. You decided to date her despite her troubled past with her ex. The brother in law is more of the same bad stuff from the past. But somehow the b-in-l episode bothers you more than the ex? A lot of times with abusive situations, the abuse is not 24/7. She wasn't getting her skull cracked every day. So you may find out she had good times with the violent ex and you wonder why. Besides, what you found out about this other family member is a past episode. She is not currently contacting him, right? I'm upset about what her ex did to her. She doesn't contact her anymore; however, he (her ex) hacked her WhatsApp account and I received some weird messages. As much as she wants change her number she can't because its part of the legal case. I know she had a rough past and as much and I'm trying to cope the best way I can. She's still in contact with her brother in law and I told her that I don't want anything to do with him. I forgot to mention: this is a long distance relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Has she asked you to help her some how? Like sending money? I am afraid that you are being played. For instance it is not possible for someone to hack into her whatsapp. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 If it ruptured the family, I don't quite understand how or why she is still in contact with him. Her sister is ok with this? Something isn't making sense Her sister and the brother in law are divorced, she says she wasn't the cause of it. According to my gf, her sister is a gold digger who was cheating on him. Furthermore, she also said that her sister was aware of the messages in the Facebook account. They were trying to piss her ex off ... After the incident, she (my gf) felt so bad that she went back to her ex place and yeah (she got the beating of her life) I just wonder if the Facebook posts + the incident are not related... Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 There is just so much trouble going on in her life. I think you really need to take it slow. There is no reason to trust her completely or not at all. More information will come your way, but it doesn't help the situation when you are long distance. You only know what she tells you, you don't have make opportunities to observe for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Has she asked you to help her some how? Like sending money? I am afraid that you are being played. For instance it is not possible for someone to hack into her whatsapp. I was about to call that into question too - what do you mean he hacked her What's App, OP? How is that supposedly possible? And what did these messages say? A few more questions: have you met her in person? Or is this an online relationship? How long did she go out of contact when she had this heart surgery? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 Has she asked you to help her some how? Like sending money? I am afraid that you are being played. For instance it is not possible for someone to hack into her whatsapp. No, she hasn't asked me for money. Even though, I know she is going through financial problems. As soon as she left her ex (they used to live in Italy) ... He froze all the bank accounts and she is in social aid. Her ex (he's Italian) tried to revoque her sponsorship so the legal case would be dismissed. She is American btw Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Umm if she is American why was she in arranged marriage with Italian? And why did she had to be in refugee camps? In Italy you dont end up in refugee camp when you need to leave abusive relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 No, she hasn't asked me for money. Even though, I know she is going through financial problems. As soon as she left her ex (they used to live in Italy) ... He froze all the bank accounts and she is in social aid. Her ex (he's Italian) tried to revoque her sponsorship so the legal case would be dismissed. She is American btw I am Canadian and I also live in Italy; as a foreigner, I am quite familiar with the ins-and-outs of residency and related permits here, having gone through this system myself. What does she mean when she says he sponsored her? Where is she currently? I don't get how an ex-boyfriend was able to freeze her accounts if they were not married. That doesn't sound right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 I was about to call that into question too - what do you mean he hacked her What's App, OP? How is that supposedly possible? And what did these messages say? A few more questions: have you met her in person? Or is this an online relationship? How long did she go out of contact when she had this heart surgery? No, I haven't met her in person. She spent around 1 week (perhaps a bit more) to came out of sedation. Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I was about to call that into question too - what do you mean he hacked her What's App, OP? How is that supposedly possible? And what did these messages say? A few more questions: have you met her in person? Or is this an online relationship? How long did she go out of contact when she had this heart surgery? It is not possible. At least it is very difficult and for someone to be able to do it they need to have physical access to the phone and that person need to have rooted phone. If she left. Her ex cant hack anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 No, I haven't met her in person. She spent around 1 week (perhaps a bit more) to came out of sedation. You mean that she was unconcious for a week? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 No, I haven't met her in person. She spent around 1 week (perhaps a bit more) to came out of sedation. OP, does she claim to currently be living in Italy? I have lived here in Rome for the last three years and I'd be very curious to hear where these supposed refugee camps are. Where did she receive medical treatment? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LatinDude Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 I am Canadian and I also live in Italy; as a foreigner, I am quite familiar with the ins-and-outs of residency and related permits here, having gone through this system myself. What does she mean when she says he sponsored her? Where is she currently? I don't get how an ex-boyfriend was able to freeze her accounts if they were not married. That doesn't sound right. She's Native American and it seems they had mutual funds. She said she called the police several times but they didn't do anything so she ran away. I don't know how that works ... I'm so confused Link to post Share on other sites
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