We broke up, but we still hang out? [update 2016-07-13]

[Kkristine]

My boyfriend of 4 years & I broke up about 2 weeks ago. He broke up with me. It wasn't a good ending, as I had to move out the next day.

 

We agreed that we needed to work on ourselves and our relationship, as we just became too comfortable. We never went on dates, very much like roommates in the end.

 

We've hung out 3x since then, and they have been wonderful. Very much the same feelings like when he first began dating. He felt the same way. I actually missed him for a change.

 

The problem is, he says: "We are hanging out, Not dating." He thinks about the day that I move back in with him, and that helps him get through each day. He still wants me to go on vacation with him & his family this summer. He doesn't say "I love you" anymore though, unless I say it first.

 

I know he isn't seeing anyone else, but I'm having a hard time with this

situation. He says this things to me, but I feel very disconnected. I don't want to be intimate with someone who doesn't necessarily consider me theirs.

 

I'm afraid to say anything because I really enjoy the time we get together, which is once or twice a week, and don't want to ruin it. My friends said I should give this "hanging out with benefits thing" a go for about a month, and then bring the subject up to him. "You either want me or you don't."

[d0nnivain]

You are being used. he wants all the benefits & none of the responsibilities. You can't move forward if nothing changed except the title.

 

As much as you want reconciliation, this is not the way to get it. tell him straight up that you want to date him. You need to work on fixing the relationship together. If he won't do that for your own self preservation you need to leave.

[Zahara]

He wants all the benefits of a relationship minus the commitment. You both have been together for too long to "do a hanging out with benefits" arrangement for a month. That's just silly. He either wants to work on the relationship together or it's a break-up. None of this sitting on the fence because most times, dumpers do this to alleviate their discomfort of facing an ending by having the dumpee around to soften the fall. Don't sit around indefinitely waiting for someone to decide if they want to be with you. Being present in his life only enables his non-commitment.

[smackie9]

If he says you both need to reflect on your relationship and work through the issues to see if there is a future, then you stop sleeping with him until you both are ready to commit to each other fully.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't allow yourself to be treated this way, OP.

 

He doesn't get to be single but expect you to hang out with him and go on family vacations. That is a recipe for absolute disaster - take it from someone who learned the hard way!

 

I don't agree with your friends at all. I would not give this a month. I wouldn't give it one more day. I would tell him you're going to treat this break-up as it is: an end to the relationship. You're either together or you're not.

 

Why did you two break up, and who initiated it? And why did you need to move out the next day? This may help give us some insight into your specific situation

[Versacehottie]

Nuh-uh!! NO! Why are you letting him demote you? It's humiliating. It flies in the face of the supposed reason for the break-up (time apart to work on yourselves).

 

You are already cow-towing (or whatever that word is!) by saying you are afraid to bring it up and tiptoeing around the issue and your real feelings. You can't be afraid that by not being "right there" you will lose him. You are more likely to lose him by being right there but taking a lesser position in the relationship. He sets the conditions and you are afraid to upset anything and keep hanging on to little scraps. If you want real movement from him and for him to really consider "losing you" and thus step it up, embrace the break and don't see or speak to him. Fastest, clearest way for him to figure out what he wants. It may take more than a month; it may take 6 months; it may never happen. But I will tell you this: what you are doing is the WORST strategy to hang onto him. Short term, yes you will have contact and get a little something. But long term, you are diminishing yourself in order to stay in touch with him, take whatever you can get. that makes you no prize. Guys are motivated by prizes. Things they have to work for and will lose if they don't put in the required effort; they are in love with the girls with self-respect and who will walk if not treated as such.

 

You don't need to get hostile or angry with him just let him know the "hanging out" arrangement doesn't work for you. The last two weeks were just the shock of going through the break up and that you realize it's best not to see each other under these conditions. Don't give him assurance that he can get you back. That's basically what he is doing now. He wants you in his back pocket while he figures it out, which usually goes badly for the person in your position. In order to force a real and committed decision from him, you need to not give him assurance that you will be right there or waiting.

 

Usually if there is a grey area, I am one of the posters who does not see things so black and white. So I mean if there was any benefit for you to operate in this grey area, I might advise it. But I see this as black and white as the other posters: do not accept these conditions. It is heartbreak. Have more self-respect. If you truly need to work on yourselves then take the space and time to do that. See other guys. If this ex-bf comes back with a solid offer in the future, evaluate it at that time. This has happened to several of my friends. The way to "win" is take the break up; not accept lower conditions. One of my friends is married to the guy that did that to her. It took 6 months. All of the girls that I know that accepted the lower conditions in order to stick close to their ex-bf, did not get what they wanted!! They did not get the guy; the relationships became increasingly dysfunctional; their hearts were broken due to their own bad decisions. Typically eventually the guys would move onto another girl who they felt was a prize--because of the way she treated herself. Know this: a guy is totally watching and testing how you treat yourself and allow yourself to be treated. Do not fail this. Good luck

[Kkristine]

So, my ex and I, wow that alone sounds gut-wrenching, were together for 4 years.

 

Our relationship was on the rocks for the majority of our last year together. I was asked to move out 4 months ago. It actually helped us reconnect for a short time, but I think we both found ourselves falling into our old trap.

 

I went to the beach with his family 2 weeks ago, and I was very distant with him the entire time because he was texting a woman I had never even heard about. The vacation was ruined for me, just didn't feel right about it.

 

When we got back from the beach, he did a complete 180. He gave me the excuse of feeling depressed about his job, and so he needed space. He continued to hang out with me, but saw her behind my back. I found out when I saw her car at his house in the middle of the night.

 

We did get a chance to meet the next day, just so I could get some closure. Turns out, "my behavior at the beach caused him to fall out of love with me" (like it was the final straw). When he hung out with this girl, they just "clicked." "He loves me, but he's not in love with me."

 

To be honest, I don't really know the last time I was "in love" with him either. I just didn't want to be alone. I told him this.

 

My problem is, if I didn't love him, why am I so devastated about this break-up and the cheating? I can't seem to calm down, I can't sleep, can't eat. He was my best friend more than anything. I am insecure about meeting someone new. I don't like dating at all. Maybe that's why. I'm just scared of the unknown again. And, it doesn't help that I'm getting older.

Edited June 16, 2016 by Kkristine

[CarrieT]

His texting another woman means he was already lining up a replacement for you so the excuse that your attitude caused him to end the relationship is known as Blame Shifting.

 

Instead of owning his own guilt, he was trying to make you feel guilty and putting the failure of the relationship on your shoulders.

 

I think you knew it was already over but still need the time to properly grieve. BTW, how old are you?

[Space Ritual]

Sorry that happened, however his excuse that your behavior at the beach made him fall out of love with you is BS at it's finest.

 

You can find that excuse among other listed in the first chapter of the Cheater's Handbook under the section titled. "How can I delude myself into justifying the fact I was cheating on my S.O. and not make myself feel guilty about it".

 

Along with the ILYBINILWY speech you got, Just simply understand he is full of crap and you are better off without jackwagons like that.

 

Situations like this are generally not as unique as we would like to think they are and that is pretty much right out of a cheaters script. Time and again they use the same lame lines that are out of a bad TV movie.

 

You did nothing wrong, he just had to temporarily use his shriveled balls to make you feel like it was your fault, when in fact he could have handled this like an adult and accepted responsibility for his actions.

 

Whatever closure you were looking for you found fleeting, because closure is really overrated. We never get the true answers we seek.

 

I'm sorry this happened but life is too short to waste another tear on a guy like this. Believe me, jerks are a dime a dozen.

[PegNosePete]

Totally agreed with what the others said.

 

I am insecure about meeting someone new. I don't like dating at all.

That's totally normal. You need to give it time. Heal from this relationship before even thinking about meeting anyone else. Give yourself 6 months minimum.

 

You can help your healing if you go NC, if you haven't already. Don't try to be "friends" with an ex, especially a cheating dirtbag one.

 

And, it doesn't help that I'm getting older.

How old are you? My partner and I met at age 40, and I've heard of plenty older.

[Toodaloo]

First off all these things you are feeling are normal. Don't panic. Its just part of splitting up and grieving over a lost relationship.

 

Now lets look at this sensibly.

 

You two have not been happy for a long time. You only stayed because you are afraid of being alone.

 

I can tell you now that being alone isn't so bad. Its actually quite fun! You can do what you want when you want and you don't have anyone to answer to! You can let your hair down and go and actually do all those fun things you have wanted to do but didn't because your partner didn't want to or they didn't like it!

 

While I am seeing someone at the moment I actually LOVE being single. I love going to lessons and learning new things. I love stretching out in my bed with out having anyone taking up space. I love sitting reading my book in the sunshine. I love not having to think about cooking a meal if I am not hungry. I love going out and trying new things. I never thought I would do it but I now long to be able to go out for a meal by myself...

 

My beau is going off for the weekend this weekend and I am already booked to go and see my friends and go out by myself! I can't wait! I am going to paint my toes and do my hair and soak in the bath...

 

There is nothing to fear about being on your own. Nothing at all. Chances are you will not be for long anyway.

 

So my advice is this. Go and get your hair cut and spoil yourself. Go and paint your toes and try some new make up or clothes styles. Go and listen to the music they didn't like, go to those dance classes they didn't want to go to and kick up your heals and have some fun!

 

I know it hurts but reality is that if you were still together you would be with a cheating scrot bag... not good.

 

Now you are free to go and do you thing and once you are healed find a new beau who will treat you way better than this guy did! Have fun and enjoy!

[Kkristine]

My ex and I were together for 4 years. In the last year, I was asked to move back home. We both felt like we were just roommates. I became way too comfortable, and I was going through depression.

 

Moving back home really helped our relationship to reconnect.

 

I went to the beach with him & found out he was texting a girl from work that is never even heard of. That completely took over my happiness at the beach, and I was very distant with him. I told him it bothered me, but he didn't give me any clarity about it.

 

After we got back, he did a 180 and ignored me all week. Blamed it on his hatrid of his job. After I found out she was over at his house staying 2 days after we broke up, I was devastated. He admitted they hooked up while we were still together to, but only once.

 

He told me the beach really set him back because of my attitude. He then told me he loves me, but he's not in love with me. This was 4 days ago, and I feel the same feelings as when my father died. I can't move on at all. Won't eat, can't sleep, just want him back.

 

I feel like it's my fault. Maybe they were just friends texting, and maybe he did have a slight crush. But with my negative behavior, he decided to pursue her. He said they "clicked" and that was that.

 

Do you think he might realize he made a mistake? I was getting better, and then today, I feel so helpless and insecure. I can't stop comparing myself to her, even though she's only 22, works a minimum wage job, and has tattoos all over her. She has a great body, but looks so "trashy". In a way, it does make me feel better. But, it doesn't..

[VeveCakes]

Who cares if she has tattoos? She may look trashy to you but it's your boyfriend who slept with her, so what does that say about his taste?

 

He was already on the path to cheating.

 

After 4 years your relationship was regressing instead of progressing. I think this relationship ran its course and you should consider moving on.

[venus83]

Not easy to accept when someone cheats on you!

I learned the hard way to move on....you can just try before things get worse.

But...most important....IT IS NO YOUR FAULT!

I had depression and I think you should take care of you now. Your boyfriend as it seems, won't understand that...so truely, I know it hurst like hell, but you should try to hold on with people that truely loves you and let him go, at least till you feel fine.

pM me if you want to talk .... and believe me...when all this is gone, because it will, you will thanks that he is gone! Keep it up and take care of yourself!

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not your fault he cheated.

 

He opted not to end the relationship when he knew he wasn't committed anymore. That was his choice, not yours. He could have broken up with you before he hooked up with her. But he didn't. You aren't responsible for that in any way.

 

I agree with the above poster that your relationship was already moving backwards before this anyway. You were asked to leave. That was the sign it was on the road to ending.

 

Please take good care of yourself, as far as possible. It's only been a few days so of course you're not moving on yet. That process takes much longer. But be kind to yourself in the meantime.

[Alamo657]

It's not your fault, it's a choice he made to betray your feelings and disrespect you. The fault is on him.

[longjohn]

Sounds like your boyfriend has moved on however still wants to have his cake and eat it too (no pun intended there). You should do yourself a favour and leave him, don't look back just keep pushing onward. I've no doubt there's another guy out there worthy of your attention that won't treat you like dirt.

[bummer]

Yes. I think he will realize he made a mistake someday. Maybe when that tattooed tart drops him for an upgrade.

 

Either way it won't matter. You won't take his sorry cheating lying self back would you? I can tell you have solid boundaries and a strong sense of self worth and wouldn't betray your morals for someone who quit on you like this?

 

When he comes back, you'll have made yourself stronger and better with no interest in returning to this chump.

 

His loss and terrible choice alone.

[Kkristine]

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. Two days after we broke up, I found out this girl he'd been texting was sleeping at his house. He admitted to me that they only hung out once before we broke up, and they really hit it off.

 

He had the nerve to still hang out with me after they initially hung out, but he was very distant and wouldn't have sex, so we broke up that night. He had been flaky all that week.

 

When we met for closure, he told me wasn't in love with me anymore, and he admitted all of his lies. He acted very monotone and was actually making jokes about it.

 

The problem is, I can't get it through my head that he is a bad person. He was an amazing boyfriend to me for 4 years. The last 6 months we were together, I treated him like absolutely crap. I was feeling confused myself, and kept pushing him away. So, I keep telling myself that I understood why he did it. I wasn't the same person he had met.

 

Is that an excuse? I truly believe deep down he is still a good person. How do I get rid of that? haha.

[Zahara]

Amazing boyfriend for 4 years? I went back and glimpsed through your history and there were quite a few threads about him talking to other women, your issues with porn, etc. Sometimes we tend to romanticize our relationship when an ending happens and it's hard to actually gauge it with rationality.

 

There is never a reason or excuse to cheat. If a relationship isn't making you happy, you exit and seek other opportunities. Sounds like he was probably cheating on you all along.

 

Don't blame yourself. You are not accountable for someone choosing to cheat rather than do the right thing by leaving.

[GunslingerRoland]

It sounds like he had one foot out the door which wasn't necessarily his fault since you were the one pushing him out the door. What he did wasn't necessarily right, but it also doesn't make him a bad person. It's hard to be in a relationship when the other person is treating you like crap. You start to seek the validation you are missing from elsewhere.

 

 

Why do you need to be angry with him? For whatever reason you lost interest in him, but that doesn't mean that you have to hate him, just that he wasn't right for you. In your next relationship you need to be willing to move on when you know it isn't the right relationship for you, instead of being passive aggressive and pushing the guy away.

[TXGuy]

It doesn't sound like he cheated to me.

 

If I read things correctly, you dated for four years. The last six months you treated him very badly. He recently met someone he fancied (and presumably treated him well). You two broke up and he started dating the new girl. That doesn't sound like cheating to me.

 

I don't know why you are trying to convince yourself he is a bad guy.

[Kkristine]

He hung out with her 2 days before we broke up and lied about it.

 

"He was super drunk with his friends, had to stay the night, and wasn't going to work the next day."

[RoseHeart]

Cheating is never OK. You don't do it, end of story. If you're not happy in a relationship and you are treated poorly you still don't cheat. You LEAVE. Cheating is for cowards. Stop blaming yourself for everything. You two just don't seem compatible to me.

[JoeSmith357-1]

No, there's never a time when cheating is ok.