Girlfriend spending the night out without me: acceptable?

[tito1501]

I am jealous but so far I improved a lot.

My girlfriend and I are living together, so far so good.

 

She is free to go out with some friends on her own, I do the same.

However, yesterday she was saying that if it comes to happen that she wants to go to a techno party with her friends, she will do it and arrive home whenever she feels like. She said she will never stop having fun if she respects me.

 

I am maybe immature, but I don't know how to act. I didn't tell her I don't accept it, but I feel bad when I know that the person is not being any flexible.

 

I feel insecure if my girlfriend is out, even though I know she is trustful, I just can't help myself from feeling like this.

 

How can I improve? Is it wrong what she is doing?

Thanks in advance

[Popsicle]

In my opinion, this is a totally normal human feeling, but the only way to make her empathize with you is if you go out to the clubs on different nights as her with your guy friends. Let her see how it feels, then she may want to negotiate after that.

[Jabron1]

However, yesterday she was saying that if it comes to happen that she wants to go to a techno party with her friends, she will do it and arrive home whenever she feels like.

 

She doesn't respect you, and thinks that she has you under control - that you're going nowhere, and will sit at home waiting for her. I would change this impression immediately. The gloves would be off.

 

Go out this weekend, and go mental. Turn your phone off and go raving. Leave on Friday night, and don't come home until Sunday.

 

She needs to realise just how easily a LTR can dissolve when neither side is playing by the rules.

 

Or, you could talk about your 'feelings', and she will just label you as a nag and disrespect you more.

 

When you're in a LTR with a party-girl, you'll always be trying to keep up with her. These are the sort of women that you hook-up with on a Saturday night, not the sort that you settle down with. The only way to be with her is to party harder than her, and be worse than she is. Been there; done that. It isn't worth the ball-ache.

 

You made a big mistake moving in with her.

Edited February 12, 2016 by Jabron1

[tito1501]

I think your way of thinking is good.

 

However, why am I SO afraid of facing her with that ? She hasnt done it yet. So I think I could warn her that this kind of attitute is not what I accept, instead of creating some tension before valentine's day by DISAPPEARING and making her thinking about a lot of **** as I never acted like this.

 

I mean, if she is ok with going out sometimes with friends and not partying hard without me (because we do it together) ...I am also ok not to go partying by myself.

 

Guys, am I being too stupid ? I really dont care, I dont want to leave my girl by herself at home.

[salparadise]

This isn't going to end well at all. I think your best move would be to say... "I find that unacceptable, and since you've made your intentions clear and I can't dictate your behavior, we're done here."

 

The only other option is to sit home worrying about who she's banging when she stays out all night, and there's really no other reason she'd be putting you on notice that she's going to be staying out all night. Jabron is right- this is not the kind you try to settle down with. Save yourself the agony and humiliation by preempting her agenda.

[tito1501]

This isn't going to end well at all. I think your best move would be to say... "I find that unacceptable, and since you've made your intentions clear and I can't dictate your behavior, we're done here."

 

The only other option is to sit home worrying about who she's banging when she stays out all night, and there's really no other reason she'd be putting you on notice that she's going to be staying out all night. Jabron is right- this is not the kind you try to settle down with. Save yourself the agony and humiliation by preempting her agenda.

 

Thank you for the advice. However, I even met her in a techno party and she did not do anything with me on the first night because she was CLEAR she had a boyfriend in another country. She was totally loyal to him. We just got together 2 months after she broke up.

 

I mean, her intentions are really to party and enjoy the music. If I would doubt about this, that she would be going to bang other guys, I would never be with her now.

[Lorenza]

I am jealous but so far I improved a lot.

My girlfriend and I are living together, so far so good.

 

She is free to go out with some friends on her own, I do the same.

However, yesterday she was saying that if it comes to happen that she wants to go to a techno party with her friends, she will do it and arrive home whenever she feels like. She said she will never stop having fun if she respects me.

 

I am maybe immature, but I don't know how to act. I didn't tell her I don't accept it, but I feel bad when I know that the person is not being any flexible.

 

I feel insecure if my girlfriend is out, even though I know she is trustful, I just can't help myself from feeling like this.

 

How can I improve? Is it wrong what she is doing?

Thanks in advance

 

Look, even if people are together, they don't own each other. It's very unhealthy to be the only ones in each other world. Spending time with other people in other environments is something that makes a relationship stronger, because one side learn to trust and the other side feels trusted. It's normal that you feel insecure but this is just because you can't control the situation anymore - she's out of your reach and sight, you can't affect her choices and her actions. And that's good. We need to learn to let go of our need to control, cause a lot of things in life happens independently to what we desire. So let her go, she is not doing anything wrong.

 

The only thing I didn't like was her tone however. But it might just be her getting defensive, feeling that you are trying to restrain her freedom. When I was the insecure partner in my first LTR, my boyfriend was being gentle when telling me he's gonna go out to meet some friends without me (he knew I was overly-attached and tried to not say in the way that'd hurt my feeling) however the more I'd sweat it and the more scenes I'd make, the more his tone would turn into a defensive "I'm gonna do what I want, I'm not a prisoner" .

[insert_name]

She doesn't respect you, and thinks that she has you under control - that you're going nowhere, and will sit at home waiting for her. I would change this impression immediately. The gloves would be off.

 

Go out this weekend, and go mental. Turn your phone off and go raving. Leave on Friday night, and don't come home until Sunday.

 

She needs to realise just how easily a LTR can dissolve when neither side is playing by the rules.

 

Or, you could talk about your 'feelings', and she will just label you as a nag and disrespect you more.

 

When you're in a LTR with a party-girl, you'll always be trying to keep up with her. These are the sort of women that you hook-up with on a Saturday night, not the sort that you settle down with. The only way to be with her is to party harder than her, and be worse than she is. Been there; done that. It isn't worth the ball-ache.

You made a big mistake moving in with her.

 

Listen to this guy. He knows.

[salparadise]

met her in a techno party and she did not do anything with me on the first night... got together 2 months after she broke up.

 

I'd say you're golden then... enjoy the ride.

[d0nnivain]

I think her behavior -- going out with friends -- is acceptable.

 

 

I think her tone-- which seems awfully defiant to me -- needs work.

 

 

Unless it's an occasional GNO I don't really see the point of going out without your SO, unless that person is a homebody who doesn't like going out. I dated one of those & went out all the time without him. If I didn't go out without him, I never would have gone out.

 

 

Especially since her past behavior demonstrated integrity, you have no reason not to trust her. The fact that you may be jealous (& insecure) is not her problem or her fault. You certainly can't lock her in the house.

 

 

I would want more info about why you are not invited.

[central]

If she is trustworthy, it's acceptable. If you can do the same kinds of things and she's okay with it, then learn to deal with your jealousy. Once you start trying to control or dictate to another, it's the beginning of the end, IMO. Unless it's a mutual decision to set such limits, it's not acceptable - your only alternative is to break up if you can't negotiate mutually agreeable boundaries.

[Zippy2000]

She doesn't respect you, and thinks that she has you under control - that you're going nowhere, and will sit at home waiting for her. I would change this impression immediately. The gloves would be off.

 

Go out this weekend, and go mental. Turn your phone off and go raving. Leave on Friday night, and don't come home until Sunday.

 

She needs to realise just how easily a LTR can dissolve when neither side is playing by the rules.

 

Or, you could talk about your 'feelings', and she will just label you as a nag and disrespect you more.

 

When you're in a LTR with a party-girl, you'll always be trying to keep up with her. These are the sort of women that you hook-up with on a Saturday night, not the sort that you settle down with. The only way to be with her is to party harder than her, and be worse than she is. Been there; done that. It isn't worth the ball-ache.

 

You made a big mistake moving in with her.

 

How NOT to give advice!

 

First of all she isnt owned by Tito. She has her own life and she can do as she pleases. Sure he may not be happy about it but does he want to come across as the insecure, jealous controlling boyfriend?

 

Secondly do you think bu going out and partying out all night, and disappearing over the weekend with yout phone switched off is going to create a good impression?

 

I think not.

 

Of course she is allowed out and of course its acceptable.

 

Lorenza is correct. You cannot live in each others world constantly.

 

Tito needs to work on his self confidence and insecurities. Hes acting like a jealus boyfriend which ultimately will driver her away.

[Gaeta]

The first thing that jumped at me in your thread is your disclaimer that you are a jealous man. Then I noticed her tone with you.

 

Why is she using that tone with you? Have you been jealous, controlling, pestering her? She sounds like a girl at the end of her rope with you and your jealousy.

[tito1501]

I think the problem is with myself. However, I do not like the gesture of leaving your partner at home and going out. I told her that we could agree on a time to come back home together even if it is the first train in the morning. So I do not have this feeling of her not giving a **** ( I knot she cares, but she do not get what I mean).

 

I do not think she is an untrustful person as some said above, she more than proved she is a trustful partner.

 

I think that when she was in a party with me and didnt kiss me (even though I know I touched her heart) because she had a boyfriend, that says A LOT ! Right ?

[elaine567]

I think the problem is with myself. However, I do not like the gesture of leaving your partner at home and going out. I told her that we could agree on a time to come back home together even if it is the first train in the morning. So I do not have this feeling of her not giving a **** ( I knot she cares, but she do not get what I mean).

 

I do not think she is an untrustful person as some said above, she more than proved she is a trustful partner.

 

I think that when she was in a party with me and didnt kiss me (even though I know I touched her heart) because she had a boyfriend, that says A LOT ! Right ?

 

I think you want it to be OK, so are using your experience with her to "prove" she is trustworthy, but she did leave him for you, so are you certain she will not do the same to you?

 

YOU are a jealous type, she sounds more like a free spirit type and whilst free spirit does not equate to cheater, she is NOT going to be happy staying at home to keep your jealousy in check and YOU are not going to be happy anywhere, whilst she is out partying.

This is not about the rights or wrongs of partying, or jealousy for that matter, it is about the fact that YOU cannot cope with her partying and that is why going forward the two of you cannot work.

She either gives in, stays home and resents you, or she goes out and you end up resenting her.

[Redhead14]

I think the problem is with myself. However, I do not like the gesture of leaving your partner at home and going out. I told her that we could agree on a time to come back home together even if it is the first train in the morning. So I do not have this feeling of her not giving a **** ( I knot she cares, but she do not get what I mean).

 

I do not think she is an untrustful person as some said above, she more than proved she is a trustful partner.

 

I think that when she was in a party with me and didnt kiss me (even though I know I touched her heart) because she had a boyfriend, that says A LOT ! Right ?

 

First of all, you are not married. You are still two individuals with lives of your own to do with as you please. However, when one partner has needs and wants that are not "in synch" with yours, you are seeing an incompatibility. If she is going to be doing this a lot, it's not going to work because you're on different pages in terms of lifestyle. You are now living together and now observing each others lifestyle "choices' in a more direct way. You cannot control her, what you can do is express your needs and wants/preferences and leave it to her to decide whether she wants to/can meet those needs. She may not do it the first time you make a statement of what you want/prefer, but give her time to think about it and then make accommodations. If she doesn't, then you know it's something you need to make a decision about as to whether or not you can live with that or whether it's a dealbreaker. If it keeps happening, you don't keep harping on it or become demanding, etc., you simply end the relationship after having given an opportunity for resolution or at the very least a compromise.

 

I think that when she was in a party with me and didnt kiss me (even though I know I touched her heart) because she had a boyfriend, that says A LOT ! Right ? -- Sure it says that she didn't kiss you because she had a boyfriend, it also says that that relationship may not have been satisfying enough to her and so, at least, you piqued her interest . . . Did she leave that boyfriend for you eventually?

[contel3]

I agree with gaeta, she sounds like someone who is totally fed up.

Trying to provoke her by disapearing is just going to cause more tensions.

 

The best thing you can do is: nothing.

Tell her you love her and trust her and you hope she will have a good time at the rave. She will be positively surprised, and in spite of what other posters said, she will respect you more.

 

There is nothing that makes a woman lose respect for a man more than jealousy and insecurity.

[Northwestern1011]

I am jealous but so far I improved a lot.

My girlfriend and I are living together, so far so good.

 

She is free to go out with some friends on her own, I do the same.

However, yesterday she was saying that if it comes to happen that she wants to go to a techno party with her friends, she will do it and arrive home whenever she feels like. She said she will never stop having fun if she respects me.

 

I am maybe immature, but I don't know how to act. I didn't tell her I don't accept it, but I feel bad when I know that the person is not being any flexible.

 

I feel insecure if my girlfriend is out, even though I know she is trustful, I just can't help myself from feeling like this.

 

How can I improve? Is it wrong what she is doing?

Thanks in advance

 

So give her a taste of her own medicine by you ALSO going out on different nights. She has every right to go out with just her friends--she's your girlfriend, not property.

[tito1501]

I think you want it to be OK, so are using your experience with her to "prove" she is trustworthy, but she did leave him for you, so are you certain she will not do the same to you?

 

YOU are a jealous type, she sounds more like a free spirit type and whilst free spirit does not equate to cheater, she is NOT going to be happy staying at home to keep your jealousy in check and YOU are not going to be happy anywhere, whilst she is out partying.

This is not about the rights or wrongs of partying, or jealousy for that matter, it is about the fact that YOU cannot cope with her partying and that is why going forward the two of you cannot work.

She either gives in, stays home and resents you, or she goes out and you end up resenting her.

 

She left him because he cheated on her more than once. I mean, there can be a balance right ? Some agreement we do. FOr example, tonight she is going for a happy hour with her colleagues and I am not complaining about it. The problem for me is the girl spending the night out in a club or whatever.

[tito1501]

First of all, you are not married. You are still two individuals with lives of your own to do with as you please. However, when one partner has needs and wants that are not "in synch" with yours, you are seeing an incompatibility. If she is going to be doing this a lot, it's not going to work because you're on different pages in terms of lifestyle. You are now living together and now observing each others lifestyle "choices' in a more direct way. You cannot control her, what you can do is express your needs and wants/preferences and leave it to her to decide whether she wants to/can meet those needs. She may not do it the first time you make a statement of what you want/prefer, but give her time to think about it and then make accommodations. If she doesn't, then you know it's something you need to make a decision about as to whether or not you can live with that or whether it's a dealbreaker. If it keeps happening, you don't keep harping on it or become demanding, etc., you simply end the relationship after having given an opportunity for resolution or at the very least a compromise.

 

I think that when she was in a party with me and didnt kiss me (even though I know I touched her heart) because she had a boyfriend, that says A LOT ! Right ? -- Sure it says that she didn't kiss you because she had a boyfriend, it also says that that relationship may not have been satisfying enough to her and so, at least, you piqued her interest . . . Did she leave that boyfriend for you eventually?

 

Very nice reply, thank you !

She left him because he cheated on her twice. After a few months we got together and we really love each other. But this adaptation phase is not so easy. First month together.

[Jabron1]

First of all she isnt owned by Tito. She has her own life and she can do as she pleases.

 

Fair enough. Then he can do whatever he pleases too. Nobody has any obligation to the other, and the relationship breaks down through mutual disrespect.

 

does he want to come across as the insecure, jealous controlling boyfriend?

 

Right now, he's coming across like an emasculated house-husband.

 

Worrying about what others think of you is pathetic and a sign of insecurity.

 

Secondly do you think bu going out and partying out all night, and disappearing over the weekend with yout phone switched off is going to create a good impression?

 

In this case, with this girl? Yeah it would. I can tell you that from experience.

 

Of course she is allowed out and of course its acceptable.

 

Lorenza is correct. You cannot live in each others world constantly.

 

You don't seem to understand the nuances of the situation. There's a difference between your girlfriend going out and being social, and your girl telling you that she'll do whatever she wants: and that includes not coming home. You're telling me that you would take that, smile, and say 'okay hunny-bun, see you whenever'?

 

Tito needs to work on his self confidence and insecurities. Hes acting like a jealus boyfriend which ultimately will driver her away.

 

Yeah, nagging and moaning at her will drive her away. I suggested that he doesn't do that. I'm telling him that it doesn't work.

 

Being a doormat and accepting that the girl he's living with will go out raving, coming and going as she pleases is even worse and will end this just as quick. She'll carry on disrespecting him, until he is either forced to dump her, or she completely loses any attraction she had for him as a man.

 

LTRs are supposed to be about compromise. Her behaviour is more like that of a roommates than a girlfriend.

 

How NOT to give advice!

 

Your advice would lead to him being walked all over, and becoming far more insecure.

[kendahke]

OP, if her being out all night bothers you and she's not going to stop going out all night because you're bothered by it, then you need to sit down and decide if this is the right relationship with the right person for where you are in your life.

 

It sounds like it's not.

 

She's not willing to stop a part of her life to make you feel secure, so your recourses are to either figure out a way to vanquish your insecurity--which is your job to do, not hers--or to leave the relationship. You cannot make her do what she doesn't want to do. You can only control yourself and the proximity to which you place your person in relation to her. You should insist that she move out since you two have incompatible ways of how you feel a relationship should be lived out.

[smackie9]

Everyone has their own relationship boundaries and expectations.

 

You are not wrong for not wanting her to go out to a techno party with the girlies, but she isn't either for wanting to go out to a party when she wants to. If it bothers the both of you, and you both don't see eye to eye, then the obvious thing to do is breakup.

 

Tip: never live with a GF until you have your expectations and priorities straight.

[jen1447]

I'd really caution against the childish acting-out "I'll show her by one-upping her! THAT'll teach her a lesson!" approach bc it never works outside of high school and getting them to have immature angry reactions. That's not productive. Adults in adult relationships talk about this stuff like adults. If what you actually have here is still an adolescent relationship on either of your parts, you shouldn't be together and you really shouldn't be living together.

 

If it's not that then act like adults, do exactly what Redhead said, and then deal w/the consequences however they shake out.

[ktya]

Thank you for the advice. However, I even met her in a techno party and she did not do anything with me on the first night because she was CLEAR she had a boyfriend in another country. She was totally loyal to him. We just got together 2 months after she broke up.

 

I mean, her intentions are really to party and enjoy the music. If I would doubt about this, that she would be going to bang other guys, I would never be with her now.

 

You've been to raves yourself. You know they usually last all night. What you are suggesting is that she come toodling home by 1 or 2 am because you wouldn't be comfortable with her being out all night. Honestly, that would suck.

 

There's usually drugs, usually cut with speed so you stay awake all night. If she did as the Romans do at this party, and came home as per your wishes, she'd end up listening to headphones dancing by herself in the living room with a fuzzy blanket while you slept. Which would suck for her - just to give you peace of mind.

 

You have two options here. Go to the party with her, party your ass off and give her enough space that she doesn't feel like your there to watch over her. Your other option is to let her go and keep yourself distracted so you dont worry about her.

 

The only other option is to break up with her, and its on you, because you met her at a rave, now that your together you can't exactly expect her to change her entertainment preferences, that's unreasonable.

 

The one caveat I would give is if you say you want to go with her and she has a big objection to you coming to the same party as her. That would be a red flag, provided you assure her you just dont want to sit at home alone all night worrying about her and that she is more than welcome to party mostly with her friends, as long as she doesn't outright ignore or ditch you.