giggik Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I went on a first date with a guy on Saturday. He was nice and funny, was a pretty cool guy. At one point, he kinda touched my butt, not grabbed, but he did touch it (knowlingly) for a second. Then after we kissed, he tapped it. Not slapped it but tapped it with his hand. At the time i didnt say anytjing because I didnt know what to say in that moment. After dropping me off, he texted me that night saying he had an awesome time with me and during the date he even mentioned wanting to one day take me to this other restaurant he thinks I might like. Anyways, I texted back saying that I also had a great time with him. I then sent a text saying that I noticed he touched my butt a few times, and that if he is just looking for a hookup, I'm not interested in that. He said that he was sorry and that he sometimes just gets touchy feely. I then said this, and Pleasssee let me know if it sounds mean. I don't know if I blew it with him: Ok it kinda was too soon for me, that's why; i never really had a guy do that, so I kinda felt weird. If you're looking for a quick hookup, i'd like to know so i dont waste my time. If so, theres other chicks for that, I'm not one of em, you know? He replied with I appreciate u being upfront about it and I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm not looking for just a hook up either. I guess I just got a little comfortable too soon. I then said thanks for understanding. He hasnt reached out since and Im worried that maybe I scared him off. What do you think, was what I did too much? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Some people are very quick to get defensive & immediately draw blunt boundaries about not being just a hook-up. There was a discussion about the right & wrong way to handle these kinds of situations & opinions varied. Others are more laid back about touching. What I read from your post & the interactions with this guy is that you two are not compatible. He's touchy feely & you're not. Neither is right & neither is wrong but they don't always go together. Since he has backed all the way off I interpret his actions as him deciding that in his opinion, which is really the only one that counts, you went too far. If you agree with that assessment & think you could have approached this with more of a velvet glove, do reach out to him to initiate your 2nd date. If you believe that you absolutely had to draw that boundary where you drew it, then let him go & don't worry about it because he was clearly on another page. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Maybe scared him off... but for the right reasons. I wouldn't dare touch a woman like that unless we were involved in a hot and heavy make out session. He's looking for a fun. You called him out on it and now he's backing off. If you don't hear from him again, it's not because you did anything wrong... it's because he was only looking to hook up. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I went on a first date with a guy on Saturday. He was nice and funny, was a pretty cool guy. At one point, he kinda touched my butt, not grabbed, but he did touch it (knowlingly) for a second. Then after we kissed, he tapped it. Not slapped it but tapped it with his hand. At the time i didnt say anytjing because I didnt know what to say in that moment. Let's hope you scared him off. I mean, seriously, why would you want a guy who cops a feel on a first date? Did you do too much? Hell, I would instantly have said, "Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Please be more assertive in setting boundaries! Oh, and he's not "touchy-feely." A touchy-feel person is one who hugs. This guy is just a pig, and I say that as a guy myself. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Might have given him a bad vibe in that you mentioned it twice when once was probably enough. I could see that resulting in "ok I get the picture :rolleyes:" and withdrawing, maybe thinking you're a little uptight. If it wasn't such a big deal (and it doesn't sound like it was frankly), why not take the bull by the horns and contact him and make it better? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giggik Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Might have given him a bad vibe in that you mentioned it twice when once was probably enough. I could see that resulting in "ok I get the picture :rolleyes:" and withdrawing, maybe thinking you're a little uptight. If it wasn't such a big deal (and it doesn't sound like it was frankly), why not take the bull by the horns and contact him and make it better? Aww I feel so stupid now. I blew it even after trying so hard not to mess up my chances. Maybe psychologically I gave him a bad emotion and now he doesnt want to reach out. I keep beating myself up for this. Why'd I even have to say the second part you know? I don't want to chase him, I want to know if he likes me enough to come around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 How old are you? I think if you didn't want that to happen you should have moved his hand away or said something politely to him about it during the moment. To send a text AFTER the fact wasn't the right thing to do in my opinion. It almost sounds a little bitchy to me and that is what may have turned him off. The touches sound innocent to me. I can think of a lot more a guy would want to do on that date so a little touch of a butt on top of clothing wouldn't bother me (as a guy) depending on how heated the moment was. If he would have thrusted his hand down your pants now that could be a HUGE problem. Having said that I respect your boundaries and commend you for having some. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giggik Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) How old are you? I think if you didn't want that to happen you should have moved his hand away or said something politely to him about it during the moment. To send a text AFTER the fact wasn't the right thing to do in my opinion. It almost sounds a little bitchy to me and that is what may have turned him off. The touches sound innocent to me. I can think of a lot more a guy would want to do on that date so a little touch of a butt on top of clothing wouldn't bother me (as a guy) depending on how heated the moment was. If he would have thrusted his hand down your pants now that could be a HUGE problem. Having said that I respect your boundaries and commend you for having some. I just didnt know how to do it in the moment, because he put his hand on my butt for just a second and I didnt know how to say it without seeming uptight. I just thought the first date wasnt the right time to be doing that, even if it was a one second touch. He did it again, but tapped by butt after kissing. Do you think that if he really liked me he would still reach out even after this? Edited February 9, 2016 by giggik Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 don't beat yourself up. it's ok. If he liked you a lot, he will be back despite what you said. If he didn't like you a lot, he might not. Who knows, maybe you haven't heard from him because he's busy touching more butts. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Him touching your butt, may have been innocent (giving him the benefit of the doubt would've been a good idea in this instance)..... but IMO, you made a mountain out of a molehill (as the saying goes) and he was probably thinking to himself -- wow, if she's making this much of a fuss over an innocent touch on the butt, she's just way too much drama for me. And lost interest. That's my take anyway FWIW. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 If he just tapped it for a second..I guess it's not that big of a deal? I wouldn't react so strongly like you. And I too would feel you are very uptight and too serious if I were a guy, too serious for just one date. But if he's gone, that's fine. Just do it differently next time. You can tell the man you don't want to be touched but just in a more light hearted way Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I just didnt know how to do it in the moment, because he put his hand on my butt for just a second and I didnt know how to say it without seeming uptight. I'm actually a little triggered here. It infuriates me that, despite 50 years of feminism, young women still think they have to accept men disrespecting them or they'll seem "uptight." Ask yourself, if some flaming queen touched your date on the butt, do you think he would have remained quiet so as not to seem uptight? I bet he would have gone ballistic! It was not an innocent touch, and it wasn't even a romantic one. He simply objectified you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Him touching your butt, may have been innocent (giving him the benefit of the doubt would've been a good idea in this instance)..... but IMO, you made a mountain out of a molehill (as the saying goes) and he was probably thinking to himself -- wow, if she's making this much of a fuss over an innocent touch on the butt, she's just way too much drama for me. And lost interest. That's my take anyway FWIW. What's an "innocent touch on the butt"? Is there such a thing? I think butt is sexual, next stop breasts. Oh wait, no, the way football players touch each other on the butt is innocent! But then they're men and they're in uniform so... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You can tell the man you don't want to be touched but just in a more light hearted way Women must use a light-hearted way to tell men they don't want to be touched? Seriously? Come on, people. What happened to consent? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 What's an "innocent touch on the butt"? Is there such a thing? I think butt is sexual, next stop breasts. Oh wait, no, the way football players touch each other on the butt is innocent! But then they're men and they're in uniform so... Oh come on, how about a light tap? I dunno, I would not have made a big deal about it -- certainly NOT the same as if he had touched by breasts. In fact, it may have been an accident, who knows. I have accidentally touched a butt or two in my lifetime, without intending to. Again, how about giving him the benefit of the doubt and NOT jumping to all sorts of conclusions that a light tap on the butt = wants to jump your bones? He was probably insulted that she assumed that was his intention -- having sex with her. Again, my take. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I don't want to chase him, I want to know if he likes me enough to come around. Right now he thinks you don't like him at all. If you want him to come around, you need to invite him. One ask is not chasing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Women must use a light-hearted way to tell men they don't want to be touched? Seriously? Come on, people. What happened to consent? Do you think he should have been charged with some type of criminal sexual conduct, being as she didn't consent? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I just didnt know how to do it in the moment, because he put his hand on my butt for just a second and I didnt know how to say it without seeming uptight. I just thought the first date wasnt the right time to be doing that, even if it was a one second touch. He did it again, but tapped by butt after kissing. Do you think that if he really liked me he would still reach out even after this? lol its not that big of a deal. If hes passing on you its for something else. And yeah I agree the second message was a mistake. Try not to get too touchy feely at the start I guess? I've drunkly done the same thing and regretted it immediately fwiw. Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 He was probably insulted that she assumed that was his intention -- having sex with her. I honestly cannot imagine a guy getting insulted by that. After all, it's true almost all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 ALso def in the boat of ask him if he wants to hangout again. You have nothing to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 White Knight alert! I'm actually a little triggered here. It infuriates me that, despite 50 years of feminism, young women still think they have to accept men disrespecting them or they'll seem "uptight." Different perceptions. To some a kiss and pat on the arse is playfully sexy. To others it's the outrageous behaviour of a rogue. Ask yourself, if some flaming queen touched your date on the butt, do you think he would have remained quiet so as not to seem uptight? I bet he would have gone ballistic! Damn right. He didn't ask this gay person out on a date, or start kissing them. You've made a false equivalent, as white knights are wont to do. A proper equivalent for yours is the fella in question randomly walking up to the OP and touching her arse before they'd even met. It was not an innocent touch, and it wasn't even a romantic one. He simply objectified you. Are you a virgin or something? You don't seem to understand that men have to escalate and take risks. Otherwise nothing would happen, and all the women who eventually want to have sex (yeah, women actually want to have sex; shocking behaviour, I know!) with a real man will be disappointed. What do you expect him to do? Ask permission (or 'consent') every time he touches her? I hope no blokes on here are actually weak enough to listen to this rubbish. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) I honestly cannot imagine a guy getting insulted by that. After all, it's true almost all the time. Okay maybe insulted was the wrong word. But she certainly had her defenses up, didn't she, and for what? Because he lightly touched her butt for a SECOND, for which he apologized when he realized it offended her? This is what she wrote: At one point, he kinda touched my butt, not grabbed, but he did touch it (knowlingly) for a second. Then after we kissed, he tapped it. They even kissed! I see nothing wrong with what he did -- in fact, that's what people do when they're attracted to each other. They lightly touch each other, especially while kissing! I view that as a sign of endearment, nothing overtly sexual or untoward. It doesn't necessarily mean they want to jump into bed immediately. They just want to convey attraction, and kissing and touching is how you do that. Not to mention, she's comfy enough to lock lips with him, but he can't lightly touch her butt for a sec without her assuming he wants to immediately jump into bed? Edited February 9, 2016 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Women must use a light-hearted way to tell men they don't want to be touched? Seriously? Come on, people. What happened to consent? If she really felt so offended by his behaviour as if it was a stranger in the subway grabbed her ass then sure she can even kick him in the nuts. But wait, she likes him and still wants to see him. So I guess YES SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIGH-HEARTED Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Since it was the OP's butt, and no one else's butt, only she has a say. And she did say it to him. Even without the butt incident, he can still not get in touch for a variety of reasons. Imo this incident is not a huge deal either way. I just think if she can forgive his butt touching, then he can forgive her over-reaction. That is, if they really like each other. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 If she really felt so offended by his behaviour as if it was a stranger in the subway grabbed her ass then sure she can even kick him in the nuts. But wait, she likes him and still wants to see him. So I guess YES SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIGH-HEARTED He didn't even grab her ass though...he lightly touched it for a second. After she let him kiss her. But yeah, I wholeheartedly agree with you... Pick your battles, and this wasn't one to pick ..... IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
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