Dating for almost 6 months, no commitment talk

[Renae]

In my last thread, someone said they would be concerned if they were dating for 5 months and no real talk of commitment. I feel like it can be assumed? Do you always need to confirm that you are indeed in a relationship?

[Satu]

It's a big thing, so I think it needs to be clarified and agreed upon.

[Renae]

I thought I should add that. We see each other regularly. We text throughout the day, met each other family and friends. Spend weekends together. Talk about being a holy with each other, missing each other that kind of stuff. Just no defining the relationship stuff.

[Satu]

I thought I should add that. We see each other regularly. We text throughout the day, met each other family and friends. Spend weekends together. Talk about being a holy with each other, missing each other that kind of stuff. Just no defining the relationship stuff.

 

The key thing is whether you're both happy or not.

 

It sounds like you are, so stick with what you have.

 

It doesn't sound like you need to have that conversation at the moment.

[Fruitee]

^ But some people do all of that without committing and think if its not agreed upon its not agreed. Maybe it would be good idea to have the talk. Especially it is bothering the OP.

[d0nnivain]

The talk is about exclusivity, not commitment beyond are you dating anyone else.

 

 

Yes, you need to have that conversation. IMO until you both agree that you are exclusive you are both free to date others and it's not cheating unless you promised to be exclusive & then weren't.

[salparadise]

The talk is about exclusivity, not commitment beyond are you dating anyone else.

 

Yes, you need to have that conversation. IMO until you both agree that you are exclusive you are both free to date others and it's not cheating unless you promised to be exclusive & then weren't.

 

Do you need to get it signed and notarized, or will a verbal contract be enforceable?

 

My gf and I have been exclusive from day one. Not because of any explicit agreement, but because we both chose to be and have been.... for nearly six months, and yes we've said the three little words.

 

Maybe I should ask her on Valentines Day if she wants to become exclusive now.

[d0nnivain]

Do you need to get it signed and notarized, or will a verbal contract be enforceable?

 

My gf and I have been exclusive from day one. Not because of any explicit agreement, but because we both chose to be and have been.... for nearly six months, and yes we've said the three little words.

 

Maybe I should ask her on Valentines Day if she wants to become exclusive now.

 

 

Everybody is different & I truly believe ASS-U-M(E) ING things causes problems. So the above is my philosophy. It's not a universal legal requirement. While I recognize that you are being facetious, putting it in writing won't make it more binding & not it's not enforceable. You can't make somebody love you or be faithful to you.

[Redhead14]

In my last thread, someone said they would be concerned if they were dating for 5 months and no real talk of commitment. I feel like it can be assumed? Do you always need to confirm that you are indeed in a relationship?

 

It's very important to "take the temperature" of a relationship now and again even in a long-term relationship especially nowadays because it seems that we are now living in a dating world where more people are opting out of the traditional "commitment" model that in the past may have been more or less a given. Now we have people just wanting an f buddy, an FWB, just casual with no intention of marrying, or an exclusive relationship at least that does not lead to marriage or a relationship that does lead to marriage.

 

Let's not forget that the divorce rates have climbed significantly over time. In the old days, people just stuck it out, made it work, they were Committed to doing that. But now we have more and more divorced couples who are feeling the burn of that experience. Fewer people actually want to be married but they do want a significant other or the company of a man or a woman, they just don't want to marry. And, that's OK if both parties are "there". But what we have now are dating scenarios where one person wants marriage and the other doesn't, and no conversation happens. At some point, for instance, the woman asks "hey, where's this going" only to hear the man say "I don't want to get married to anyone but I really like you and spending time with you." And, they can do it for a long time. On top of that, you have people who have never been married and heard all the horror stories and so they make a decision not to marry or take a long time to make that decision anyway. The dating pool has been contaminated by history.

 

In the early stages of a new relationship, say within a few dates, it's important to have a casual conversation about what you each are looking for out of your dating journeys. Are you both looking to date for a relationship leading to marriage? Does one of you only want to date casually? If you aren't on the same page to begin with, it's going lead to hurt feelings later. And, if you both are dating with the goal of marriage, it's not that this early conversation says it will be with each other, because, of course, you probably don't know, it's just to make sure you're both on that page.

 

And, even if someone says they are dating with the goal of marriage in mind, you have to continue to observe whether or not they date you that way.

 

If a dating scenario develops to the point where you've become intimate, you should have a conversation about exclusivity at least. It's not a long term commitment, it's just to say that you each will not be dating anyone else going forward for a while. Exclusivity is the period of time where you are now evaluating on a deeper level in order to determine the long-term potential and focus on each other. You've added another level to the relationship for evaluation, physically and emotionally.

 

At some point after this, a few months, let's say, it usually becomes clearer at least that this person is someone you can see yourself with for a long time. However, it should be understood that if it's not working for either one of you, you will move on. It's about managing emotions and expectations through the stages of a dating scenario to reduce/manage the pain of moving on if that happens.

 

If you both on the "marriage" page and things are progressing well at least to you, there isn't any harm in confirming that things are looking that way to the other person still and that they will be or continue to be exclusive with you and not date/be intimate with anyone else without talking to you. Because we all know that things change on a dime anyway sometimes.

 

Not everyone subscribes to dating in "stages". But given what's going on in the dating world, it helps to keep people's emotions and expectations real and minimizes hurtful situations. It's really just about having good clear communication between a dating couple, that's all.

[Gaeta]

Do you need to get it signed and notarized, or will a verbal contract be enforceable?

 

My gf and I have been exclusive from day one. Not because of any explicit agreement, but because we both chose to be and have been.... for nearly six months, and yes we've said the three little words.

 

Maybe I should ask her on Valentines Day if she wants to become exclusive now.

 

Plenty of People (men) have exclusive relationship but have no intention of escalating the relationship into anything. That's what needs to be clarified.

 

OP: First question is to ask yourself what do YOU want? And you want it in what time frame?

 

This man is 17 years older than you with 2 broken relationships he's not talking about. He may be on a completely different planet than you in terms of relationships.

 

Usually right from the beginning you ask the person what their dating goal is: Is is casual, exclusive, long term. It doesn't mean they'll have that for YOU but at least you know what's their goal.

 

After 5 months you owe it to yourself to clarify what you're getting yourself in with this man. Ask him where he sees himself relationship wise in a year, and listen.

[WaitingForBardot]

...

My gf and I have been exclusive from day one. Not because of any explicit agreement, but because we both chose to be and have been.... for nearly six months, and yes we've said the three little words.

...

This has been my experience as well. Our status has been clear because of our actions and availability. Also, because I was/am a good judge of character and intent, which they apparently were too. The only sort of define the relationship talks I've had were when women (voluntarily) told me they were unsure about things; something that never took me by surprise. When I've been unsure about someone I simply didn't ask them out again.

 

Just talking about myself...

[katiegrl]

I thought I should add that. We see each other regularly. We text throughout the day, met each other family and friends. Spend weekends together. Talk about being a holy with each other, missing each other that kind of stuff. Just no defining the relationship stuff.

 

^^^ IMO these things would indicate you *are* in an exclusive relationship. You have a "tacit" agreement ...based on actions.

 

All my long term exclusive committed relationships have been the same, we have never specifically discussed being *exclusive* we just knew we were, again based on actions. A tacit agreement ....meaning it's understood and implied without being stated.

 

Also keep in mind, even if you *did* verbally discuss it, he could still cheat, and/or essentially do what he wants. So could you if you wanted to.

 

There are never any guarantees about these things (exclusivity) ....talk or no talk.

 

It sounds like you have a beautiful thing going with your boyfriend. Six months! Obviously, based on everything you wrote above, you are in an exclusive relationship, leading to commitment.

 

If it bothers you, are bring it up. But my guess is he will chuckle because again, obviously, based on both your actions, you are, in fact, in an exclusive relationship.

 

So enjoy!!! It's all good!

Edited February 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[Northwestern1011]

Even after your update, I don't see anything that really screams to me "it's just us and we're exclusive". Good rule of thumb: ALWAYS, ALWAYS ALWAYS assume you are not exclusive and seeing other people UNTIL the conversation is had that you want to stop seeing people.

 

Six months, yes, is a long time to date casually, but if the define the relationship conversation has never been had, you should still assume the person is seeing/potentially sleeping with other people.

 

Do you know how long it takes to send a text message throughout the day? Ummm like 5 seconds? You don't think he can do that with other girls at the same time? Oh honey you bet he can!

 

If you're happy, and don't want to push for more, then be happy with it and don't ask. However if you want to gamble big, it might be time to consider the conversation. I don't believe women should initiate this conversation still, so it could potentially freak him out, but you could always run past him "so, been on any dates lately?" For shock value and see how he reacts, and that should Segway him into it himself.

[salparadise]

Everybody is different & I truly believe ASS-U-M(E) ING things causes problems. So the above is my philosophy. It's not a universal legal requirement. While I recognize that you are being facetious, putting it in writing won't make it more binding & not it's not enforceable. You can't make somebody love you or be faithful to you.

 

All I'm saying is that we are a looooong way past the point of needing to clarify that we're exclusive... we never had such a conversation. Didn't need to; it is what it is, and we both know it. We trust implicitly. It's not imaginary or one-sided.

 

The point is, contrary to popular belief, an explicit, spoken agreement is not mandatory. In OP's case, if she's not sure if they're on the same page then perhaps it would be prudent to clarify, but if her relationship has progressed in a certain way beyond that point, then bringing it up months later may sound ridiculous.

 

But I do agree that if you don't know where you stand then you need to have a conversation.

[Redhead14]

All I'm saying is that we are a looooong way past the point of needing to clarify that we're exclusive... we never had such a conversation. Didn't need to; it is what it is, and we both know it. We trust implicitly. It's not imaginary or one-sided.

 

The point is, contrary to popular belief, an explicit, spoken agreement is not mandatory. In OP's case, if she's not sure if they're on the same page then perhaps it would be prudent to clarify, but if her relationship has progressed in a certain way beyond that point, then bringing it up months later may sound ridiculous.

 

But I do agree that if you don't know where you stand then you need to have a conversation.

 

But I do agree that if you don't know where you stand then you need to have a conversation. -- I do agree with this statement. However, that happens when both parties know how to communicate and are doing it very well. Of course, if things feel good all the way around, a specific conversation may not be necessary.

 

But, as we have seen on these boards, a great many people do not know how to or are uncomfortable with communicating and so we see scenarios where a couple seems to be advancing toward a common goal, but it's only the one person in the relationship who is seeing that way and ignoring signs, etc. and then are surprised when they find out that the other person wasn't as "all in" as the other.

[Gaeta]

! Obviously, based on everything you wrote above, you are in an exclusive relationship, leading to commitment.

 

That's the thing...

 

Not all exclusive relationship leads to commitment.

 

Plenty of 'relationships' out there are exclusive but never escalate to something deeper. Some people just want to have someone, anyone. They can be in relationships for 2-3 years and never fall in love, they just don't want to be alone. Not sure that's what OP is aiming for. Him being 17 years older, being deceived by life and love, not addressing exclusivity or commitment after 6 months - to me - that sounds like the type of guy that is just happy going with the motion and not care if it last or not with OP.

[smackie9]

If he hasn't stated his intentions by now....you have your answer....he isn't going to be taking any further than just dating.

[katiegrl]

That's the thing...

 

Not all exclusive relationship leads to commitment.

 

Plenty of 'relationships' out there are exclusive but never escalate to something deeper. Some people just want to have someone, anyone. They can be in relationships for 2-3 years and never fall in love, they just don't want to be alone. Not sure that's what OP is aiming for. Him being 17 years older, being deceived by life and love, not addressing exclusivity or commitment after 6 months - to me - that sounds like the type of guy that is just happy going with the motion and not care if it last or not with OP.

 

I agree! In which case *defining* it wouldn't mean a hill of beans anyway.

 

IMO, relationships should progress naturally, organically.

 

Just because a couple has *the talk* does not change how their relationship will progress (or not).

 

We read about that all the time here. "We had *the talk*. He said he wanted a relationship with me, that we're exclusive, but I haven't heard from him in two weeks"!

 

Apparently, he changed his mind.

 

Again, based on everything OP posted, spending time, meeting friends, families, etc etc etc, clearly they are devoted to each other, not pursuing others.

 

Again, a TACIT agreement, which is every bit as valid as a verbal agreement....when it comes to relationships.

 

Have TRUST. Six months...and they are going strong. Moving forward. Spending most their free time, meeting friends, families, come on.

 

As salparadise said, they are long past the time when anything needs to be verbally clarified.

 

Either it will progress or it won't. I don't see how discussing it or defining it would change the outcome...

 

And again, if he (or she) has the desire to cheat or step out, they will do it regardless. Commitment comes from the HEART, and either their hearts are in this...or not.

 

Words, verbal agreements, won't change that.

Edited February 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Either it will progress or it won't. I don't see how discussing it or defining it would change the outcome...

 

And again, if he (or she) has the desire to cheat or step out, they will do it regardless. Commitment comes from the HEART, and either their hearts are in this...or not.

 

Words, verbal agreements, won't change that.

 

Not my point.

 

My point was after 6 months dating you need to check your respective compass. It's good to do that after 3 months, 6 months, a year.

 

Sure they are in an exclusive relationship, plain to see.

 

But being in an exclusive relationship does not mean he's in it for the same reasons she is.

 

Lets say she ask him where he sees himself in a year relationship wise and he answers: nowhere particular, I don't believe in love anymore I'm just happy with dating. Wouldn't you want to know?

 

Having this discussion is not going to change him, or make him commit, or prevent him from leaving. It's not the goal in having a conversation. The goal in having a conversation is to situate YOURSELF. Do you want to date a man that doesn't believe in love anymore? OP should know what she is getting herself into.

[Redhead14]

Not my point.

 

My point was after 6 months dating you need to check your respective compass. It's good to do that after 3 months, 6 months, a year.

 

Sure they are in an exclusive relationship, plain to see.

 

But being in an exclusive relationship does not mean he's in it for the same reasons she is.

 

Lets say she ask him where he sees himself in a year relationship wise and he answers: nowhere particular, I don't believe in love anymore I'm just happy with dating. Wouldn't you want to know?

 

Having this discussion is not going to change him, or make him commit, or prevent him from leaving. It's not the goal in having a conversation. The goal in having a conversation is to situate YOURSELF. Do you want to date a man that doesn't believe in love anymore? OP should know what she is getting herself into.

 

Some people are in relationships and simply "asleep" at the wheel. They are riding along without a vision or having lost the vision they might have had, but accepting the status quo, along for the ride. Asking these kinds of questions is simply about raising their consciousness again and being made to focus and evaluate their reality.

 

Asking the questions isn't going to change their minds -- the answer is what it is regardless of being asked. If they turn away, it's not because the question was asked, it's how they are feeling anyway, it's just been highlighted.

[blackcat777]

There are plenty of threads here about people living together 7 years, 10 years, containing the pains of women who want terribly to be married and the guy never asks...

 

Yes, take the temperature of the relationship... unless you don't care about status/exclusivity/desire to be married/etc. My guess is, because you are asking, deep down inside, you probably do.

 

If you've spent half a year being intimate with someone and he recoils at a gentle conversation asking about where he sees the both of you in a year, or more generally, what he wants for himself, what you want for yourself... that's a huge red flag... if you want something more.

[katiegrl]

Not my point.

 

My point was after 6 months dating you need to check your respective compass. It's good to do that after 3 months, 6 months, a year.

 

Sure they are in an exclusive relationship, plain to see.

 

But being in an exclusive relationship does not mean he's in it for the same reasons she is.

 

Lets say she ask him where he sees himself in a year relationship wise and he answers: nowhere particular, I don't believe in love anymore I'm just happy with dating. Wouldn't you want to know?

 

Having this discussion is not going to change him, or make him commit, or prevent him from leaving. It's not the goal in having a conversation. The goal in having a conversation is to situate YOURSELF. Do you want to date a man that doesn't believe in love anymore? OP should know what she is getting herself into.

 

If she, or any woman, wants to have that conversation, then I say go for it.

 

I can only just speak for myself.... I never needed to.

 

I always knew where I stood based on my boyfriend's actions, the way we interacted, the way we communicated, the way we both expressed our love for each other.

 

If any of my boyfriends didn't believe in love or didn't see our RL progressing at all in the future, then believe me, I would certainly know that, again based on his actions (and mine as well in response to his and vice versa).

 

For me, I just never felt the need to verbally define or clarify things through words.

 

As most of you know, words mean jack shyt to me.... I always always judge by actions. JUST ME. I know other women need to hear the words and discuss their RL and all that.... just for me personally, never needed it.

 

All my RLs have been long term (several years) and I have ended each one. Never had a man fade or ghost on me.... so whatever I'm doing obviously works for ME.

 

I also don't see the point in asking a man where he sees our RL going, after only six months.

 

JMO, but no one knows the outcome of their RL ... or where it's going ... or where it will be one year, two years, etc...... until such time they get engaged or move in together (if said couple does not believe in marriage).

 

And even if he DID tell me he sees himself married to me (or moving in together) within the next year or two , I wouldn't take him seriously anyway because ANYTHING can happen within that period of time. That has always been my attitude -- I take each day as it comes.

 

I know that attitude does not work for others and that's fine. To each his own.

 

Like I said, there are NEVER any guarantees.... you just have to have faith in your connection and trust in each other.

 

If you don't have faith in your connection and trust your partner (that he loves you, cares about you, has your best interests at heart, together as a couple and individually) then may as well end it, because without those two things, there is NOTHING.

Edited February 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

I can only just speak for myself.... I never needed to..

This is a new era - online dating. Rules of engagements have changed.

 

I always knew where I stood based on my boyfriend's actions, the way we interacted, the way we communicated, the way we both expressed our love for each other.

If OP is posting it's because she doesn't feel that love, and he is none communicative of his feelings, no ILY after 6 months etc.

 

As most of you know, words mean jack shyt to me.... I always always judge by actions. JUST ME. I know other women need to hear the words and discuss their RL and all that.... just for me personally, never needed it.

Again. It's not about hearing words, it's not about being reassured, it's not about hearing some promises it's not even about what he thinks of her...it's about him and where he stands about love in this big wide world. Nothing to do about how he feels about her.

 

I also don't see the point in asking a man where he sees our RL going, after only six months..

Again, that is not what we are talking about. What we are talking about is * What do you believe in? The same as asking do you believe in God, do you believe in Taxes, do you believe in love.

 

JMO, but no one knows the outcome of their RL ... or where it's going ... or where it will be one year, two years, etc...... until such time they get engaged or move in together (if said couple does not believe in marriage).

This is not about the outcome of their relationship. This is about what he believes in in general. Not about OP. In general does he believe in love, in general does he believe in marriage, in general does he believe in faithfulness.

 

If you don't have faith in your connection and trust your partner (that he loves you, cares about you, has your best interests at heart, together as a couple and individually) then may as well end it, because without those two things, there is NOTHING.

You are too far ahead. She doesn't even know if they are exclusive, he never told her he loved her, he never acknowledged they are couple. How can you trust your man 'loves' you when he never said it to you. She doesn't even know if he is 'capable' of love. Actually that's what she wants to know - does he still believe in love, is he capable of falling in love, does he want to eventually fall in love (with her or someone else).

 

You're making it about her. It's not.

Edited February 12, 2016 by Gaeta

[katiegrl]

^^ I understand what you are saying Gaeta... I do. And I don't disagree.

 

I was only expressing how I personally conduct and interact within my relationships, and what has worked for me (and my boyfriends as well).

 

I don't plan to do OLD so no need for me to worry about whatever rules of engagement applies to that.

 

If OP does not know where she stands, feels insecure within their RL, needs to clarify or define things, etc, then by all means she should talk to him. Of course!!

 

I 100% agree with you about that.

 

I just never needed to, that's all.

[katiegrl]

 

You are too far ahead. She doesn't even know if they are exclusive, he never told her he loved her, he never acknowledged they are couple. How can you trust your man 'loves' you when he never said it to you.

 

Through his ACTIONS.

 

But nuff said from me.

 

She should do whatever she feels is best for her. Whatever will bring her trust, peace and happiness within her RL.