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Am I just to insecure, or is she immature?


spmh1017

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I'm very new to dating (just out of a 16 year relationship), wishing I found this forum to ask these questions long ago, and have some serious questions plaguing me. This may get kind of long so bare with me!

 

Me and my GF have been dating 7 months now (I am 35 and she is 31). It was a rocky start but I think things have been great for the last 6 months...till recently.

 

As my feelings have increased my worry about her honesty and need for me has had me worried. Certain things will arise that rub me the wrong way and make me question if its just my insecurities or if something is wrong.

 

Firstly...the "guy buddy" she has.

The story goes he was and is an off and on again boyfriend of her best friend. Her best friend is admittedly "crazy" and has A LOT of these type of guys. A month or two into our relationship her friend and her had a falling out. Basically she found out her friend is a compulsive liar and isnt much of a best friend. To top this off her friend found out she was texting back and forth with this guy and flipped out on her saying "what if I became friends with your boyfriend and text him all the time (Me)! Do you think this is right!?"

They reconciled but the friendship is kinda broken now.

She never stopped texting this "boyfriend/f*ckbuddy" but instead changed his name in her phone so, if her friend was around, wouldnt see it pop up.

I see they text back and forth alot, and have yet to see anything incriminating, and she says what they are doing is mostly discussing the back and forth of lies her friend tells them both. She also has said 2 things that irritated me about him also...First that they are good friends cause he understands and has the same type of depression...secondly, during our rocky start he wanted to punch me (clearly as a man this sits with me, as wrong or right as I was in the beginning this threat sits with me)

This may be petty but I also know he has her Instagram on notification. She post ANYTHING hes the first like in just seconds. In return she likes his stuff back, even if its a picture of a rock or something menial...yet she will never like ANYTHING I post.

We had a minor blowout the other night cause her friend invited us out for drinks. As we are out drinking and her friend is talking about things, including tid-bits about this guy, she is texting him. I got drunk, angry, and just ask if we could leave. Back at her place I wasnt 100% truthful about how I dislike this relationship with him she has but instead said things along the lines of "This 3 way back and forth **** is immature! I'm tired of seeing it or hearing about it! I'm tired of you wasting your time and energy obsessing about it! Just be done with her and move on!" etc... I deflected I guess. She explained it as how she spent the last 6 years with this girl as a best friend and how emotional and such it is too her. Also since they live 2 streets apart how her car, property etc.. could be trashed cause this girl is "crazy"

So maybe this is just me...

 

Another issue I'm having is wondering if I'm just in her life to fill a hole of being alone.

She tells me she spent the last 6 years not in a relationship, not that she didnt date or see anyone, just guys never made it official or disappeared. The longest "relationship" she had was with a guy who had a GF out of state in college. For 3 years she was fed lies (but knew he was lying to her) and was the "side-chick" because she says "it was better then being alone and he was a big scary guy and she liked the protection aspect"

 

But that things that get me thinking if I'm just there to fill a hole thats better then being alone is little things she does.

If I dont text goodnight, she wont do it...if I dont text her good morning then theirs a good chance I wont hear from her till the afternoon..Some nights when I text her a heartfelt goodnight I'll simply get back "goodnight!" or better yet a "K, goodnight"

Sometimes when I try to express to her my honest feelings to her she responds with "Uh-huh" or "Ooooookay"

We have confessed we love each other and I do tell her her response before the argument this weekend was always "I love you more" and now when I say it she says "Are you sure?"...which really hurts to hear.

She doesn't ask to see me instead I have to initiate all contact. She says this is because I'm "Driving the bus" meaning since I have a tighter schedule I have to control all contact. She just says "I have no life besides work and I'm always here. You make the decisions and do what works for you"

Its wasn't always like this tho. She used to ask me "When can I see you again! Can you come over tonight?!" Now I wonder how long I could go seeing her if I didn't initiate contact.

 

 

Lastly, and I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it, and I'm not trying to be "full of myself" is she constantly talks about how good looking I am. I get it...I'm not full of myself and I tell her shes wrong. Just tonight some pictures surfaced of us out this weekend and were posted online and she said how great I looked and I responded as I always do and said she was silly shes the hot looking one. Her response was "Everyone see it and tells me. Everyone sees it but you! One day your gonna run away with your beautiful self!"

This always happens...how I'm so "hot" and "everyone sees it but me" and how one day me and some "hot girl" are gonna run off.

The first time we met she told me her first impression of me was "Insecure for absolutely no reason (I'm a good looking successful guy and I should be more confident I guess)

Is this just game shes using on me? Does she really think this and if true is that having an effect on us?

 

I know this was long...I just haven't dated since I was a teenager till now and I dont understand people or dating to be honest. I do feel like everyone has a trick up their sleeve and ulterior motives. My friends who are in their mid-30's like me tell me I need to date around and not get stuck with one girl....but...I really like her. They tell me "Your fit, have great hair, money, your own house, and a big heart..your a catch and can have a different woman every night!"...I dont want that, I want her...but I just dont feel shes giving me enough to satisfy me for some reason...

 

Maybe I'm just broken.

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First of all, you are not broken. Your girlfriend and friends said it themselves, you have tons of awesome qualities. It's normal not to know what to do after being off the dating scene for 16 years. It's also normal to fall in love with the wrong person once or twice.

 

There are basically two things. One is: she doesn't really sound that invested. Maybe she's used to being in unavailable relationships. Maybe she doesn't know how to be in a relationship. Who knows. My guess is the honeymoon phase has passed and she is not someone who stays invested after the initial chemicals have worn off (unless she is being used as a booty call).

 

The other is: "I am 35 and my girlfriend is 31".

The way she interacts with people sounds like some highschool drama. Or college drama. But definitely not how someone in her thirties would act. It really doesn't matter if she is immature or if you are "too sensitive". You set the standard how you want to be treated in a relationship. If you are ok with your girlfriend behaving like a 16 year old I won't advise you against staying with her. If you're looking for a healthy, long term, commited relationship something needs to change and that will most probably not be her.

 

Good luck.

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First of all, you are not broken. Your girlfriend and friends said it themselves, you have tons of awesome qualities. It's normal not to know what to do after being off the dating scene for 16 years. It's also normal to fall in love with the wrong person once or twice.

 

There are basically two things. One is: she doesn't really sound that invested. Maybe she's used to being in unavailable relationships. Maybe she doesn't know how to be in a relationship. Who knows. My guess is the honeymoon phase has passed and she is not someone who stays invested after the initial chemicals have worn off (unless she is being used as a booty call).

 

The other is: "I am 35 and my girlfriend is 31".

The way she interacts with people sounds like some highschool drama. Or college drama. But definitely not how someone in her thirties would act. It really doesn't matter if she is immature or if you are "too sensitive". You set the standard how you want to be treated in a relationship. If you are ok with your girlfriend behaving like a 16 year old I won't advise you against staying with her. If you're looking for a healthy, long term, commited relationship something needs to change and that will most probably not be her.

 

Good luck.

 

Everything you said is almost exactly what I'm thinking.

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I'm very new to dating (just out of a 16 year relationship), wishing I found this forum to ask these questions long ago, and have some serious questions plaguing me. This may get kind of long so bare with me!

 

Me and my GF have been dating 7 months now (I am 35 and she is 31). It was a rocky start but I think things have been great for the last 6 months...till recently.

 

As my feelings have increased my worry about her honesty and need for me has had me worried. Certain things will arise that rub me the wrong way and make me question if its just my insecurities or if something is wrong.

 

Firstly...the "guy buddy" she has.

The story goes he was and is an off and on again boyfriend of her best friend. Her best friend is admittedly "crazy" and has A LOT of these type of guys. A month or two into our relationship her friend and her had a falling out. Basically she found out her friend is a compulsive liar and isnt much of a best friend. To top this off her friend found out she was texting back and forth with this guy and flipped out on her saying "what if I became friends with your boyfriend and text him all the time (Me)! Do you think this is right!?"

They reconciled but the friendship is kinda broken now.

She never stopped texting this "boyfriend/f*ckbuddy" but instead changed his name in her phone so, if her friend was around, wouldnt see it pop up.

I see they text back and forth alot, and have yet to see anything incriminating, and she says what they are doing is mostly discussing the back and forth of lies her friend tells them both. She also has said 2 things that irritated me about him also...First that they are good friends cause he understands and has the same type of depression...secondly, during our rocky start he wanted to punch me (clearly as a man this sits with me, as wrong or right as I was in the beginning this threat sits with me)

This may be petty but I also know he has her Instagram on notification. She post ANYTHING hes the first like in just seconds. In return she likes his stuff back, even if its a picture of a rock or something menial...yet she will never like ANYTHING I post.

We had a minor blowout the other night cause her friend invited us out for drinks. As we are out drinking and her friend is talking about things, including tid-bits about this guy, she is texting him. I got drunk, angry, and just ask if we could leave. Back at her place I wasnt 100% truthful about how I dislike this relationship with him she has but instead said things along the lines of "This 3 way back and forth **** is immature! I'm tired of seeing it or hearing about it! I'm tired of you wasting your time and energy obsessing about it! Just be done with her and move on!" etc... I deflected I guess. She explained it as how she spent the last 6 years with this girl as a best friend and how emotional and such it is too her. Also since they live 2 streets apart how her car, property etc.. could be trashed cause this girl is "crazy"

So maybe this is just me...

 

Another issue I'm having is wondering if I'm just in her life to fill a hole of being alone.

She tells me she spent the last 6 years not in a relationship, not that she didnt date or see anyone, just guys never made it official or disappeared. The longest "relationship" she had was with a guy who had a GF out of state in college. For 3 years she was fed lies (but knew he was lying to her) and was the "side-chick" because she says "it was better then being alone and he was a big scary guy and she liked the protection aspect"

 

But that things that get me thinking if I'm just there to fill a hole thats better then being alone is little things she does.

If I dont text goodnight, she wont do it...if I dont text her good morning then theirs a good chance I wont hear from her till the afternoon..Some nights when I text her a heartfelt goodnight I'll simply get back "goodnight!" or better yet a "K, goodnight"

Sometimes when I try to express to her my honest feelings to her she responds with "Uh-huh" or "Ooooookay"

We have confessed we love each other and I do tell her her response before the argument this weekend was always "I love you more" and now when I say it she says "Are you sure?"...which really hurts to hear.

She doesn't ask to see me instead I have to initiate all contact. She says this is because I'm "Driving the bus" meaning since I have a tighter schedule I have to control all contact. She just says "I have no life besides work and I'm always here. You make the decisions and do what works for you"

Its wasn't always like this tho. She used to ask me "When can I see you again! Can you come over tonight?!" Now I wonder how long I could go seeing her if I didn't initiate contact.

 

 

Lastly, and I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it, and I'm not trying to be "full of myself" is she constantly talks about how good looking I am. I get it...I'm not full of myself and I tell her shes wrong. Just tonight some pictures surfaced of us out this weekend and were posted online and she said how great I looked and I responded as I always do and said she was silly shes the hot looking one. Her response was "Everyone see it and tells me. Everyone sees it but you! One day your gonna run away with your beautiful self!"

This always happens...how I'm so "hot" and "everyone sees it but me" and how one day me and some "hot girl" are gonna run off.

The first time we met she told me her first impression of me was "Insecure for absolutely no reason (I'm a good looking successful guy and I should be more confident I guess)

Is this just game shes using on me? Does she really think this and if true is that having an effect on us?

 

I know this was long...I just haven't dated since I was a teenager till now and I dont understand people or dating to be honest. I do feel like everyone has a trick up their sleeve and ulterior motives. My friends who are in their mid-30's like me tell me I need to date around and not get stuck with one girl....but...I really like her. They tell me "Your fit, have great hair, money, your own house, and a big heart..your a catch and can have a different woman every night!"...I dont want that, I want her...but I just dont feel shes giving me enough to satisfy me for some reason...

 

Maybe I'm just broken.

 

She doesn't ask to see me instead I have to initiate all contact. She says this is because I'm "Driving the bus" -- She apply an early dating strategy which basically says, that in the beginning the woman let's the man lead for a bit to demonstrate enough serious interest. However, after 10 months, things should be much more balanced in terms of initiating dates and communication. She's clearly not demonstrating enough to you to show you she's invested emotionally in this. And, you are right to be feeling insecure. "I have no life besides work and I'm always here. You make the decisions and do what works for you" this statement says this too.

 

Now I wonder how long I could go seeing her if I didn't initiate contact. -- I am not telling you to play games here, but I'd leave it to her for a while so you can get a better gauge on her investment. She's making you do all the work here and it's no wonder you're wondering.

 

I agree that she perhaps has insecurity that is driven by internal concerns/past experiences and putting you to the test. I think you are paying for the sins of past partners.

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but...I really like her.

 

So what you like her?

 

You know those women beaten up by their husband say? 'but I love him'.

 

You having feelings for a person does not justify staying with them. She is immature and full of teen drama. This is the type of character you want to stay with the rest of your life? This is the woman you will proudly introduce to family and friends? meh....

 

But, you're coming out of a 16 year relationship. I don't blame you. When I ended up single after years of marriage I had no clue how to date and I made every mistake a woman can do. Just like you are doing now.

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I think there are enough red flags here to warrant reconsidering the viability of this relationship.

 

As you indicate, you are out of a 16-year relationship and may have bonded too early with the first girl who was slightly available, but doesn't seem to reciprocate your interest.

 

Perhaps it is time to multi-date or do a slow fade to gauge how interested this girl is in you by letting her do the chasing for bit?

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You having feelings for a person does not justify staying with them. She is immature and full of teen drama. This is the type of character you want to stay with the rest of your life? This is the woman you will proudly introduce to family and friends? meh....

 

 

I remember being in a similar situation and the reason being: inexperience.

 

You hit the nail on the head. This woman is full of drama and most likely thrives on it. From my experience, once I started to feel embarrassed being seen in public with this woman, it woke me up and got me to drop her.

 

OP, wake up!

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She doesn't ask to see me instead I have to initiate all contact. She says this is because I'm "Driving the bus" -- She apply an early dating strategy which basically says, that in the beginning the woman let's the man lead for a bit to demonstrate enough serious interest. However, after 10 months, things should be much more balanced in terms of initiating dates and communication. She's clearly not demonstrating enough to you to show you she's invested emotionally in this. And, you are right to be feeling insecure. "I have no life besides work and I'm always here. You make the decisions and do what works for you" this statement says this too.

 

Now I wonder how long I could go seeing her if I didn't initiate contact. -- I am not telling you to play games here, but I'd leave it to her for a while so you can get a better gauge on her investment. She's making you do all the work here and it's no wonder you're wondering.

 

I agree that she perhaps has insecurity that is driven by internal concerns/past experiences and putting you to the test. I think you are paying for the sins of past partners.

 

She has read a book called "The Rules" and referred to it when we first started dating. I know nothing about it.

She said tho the other day that "Men are suppose to jump through hoops and initiate the relationship. Women wait and look pretty"

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She has read a book called "The Rules" and referred to it when we first started dating. I know nothing about it.

She said tho the other day that "Men are suppose to jump through hoops and initiate the relationship. Women wait and look pretty"

 

That book is garbage. There are no rules, no guide when it comes to falling in love and wanting to be with someone.

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She has read a book called "The Rules" and referred to it when we first started dating. I know nothing about it.

She said tho the other day that "Men are suppose to jump through hoops and initiate the relationship. Women wait and look pretty"

 

She simply doesn't know what she's doing . . . move on. That concept isn't to be applied to a 10 month old relationship. She's clueless.

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That book is garbage. There are no rules, no guide when it comes to falling in love and wanting to be with someone.

 

Is she applying it to us? I havent read it and wonder if shes running test on me or something.

 

So far even are day started like this....

 

First text of the day from her at 9am from her "did it snow"

I replied about the snow and then added a "Goodmorning. Be careful on your drive to work, it may be a little slippery still. Love and miss you and I'm here if you wanna talk while your at work"

 

*crickets* for 2 hours..

 

then "At work"...

 

Seemed so cold..am think I deserve something back, a little more.

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It doesn't matter if you are needy or not so don't second guess yourself. You have your needs/wants from a relationship and if you not getting it from her then keep looking. If you really want her then discuss your concerns with her. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to freely voice your thoughts without fear ... you can do that right?

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You're not being insecure. You are being somewhat needy though. You are trying to force a relationship to work with a woman that is not complying.

 

If I agree to an exclusive, long-term relationship, I won't tolerate other men orbiting my girlfriend.

 

Would she put up with you having lots of time for another woman?

 

Some women just love men's attention too much to give it up for a stable relationship. Some women just aren't girlfriend material. Keeping orbiters around is one of the hallmarks. These type of women have their place, and they can be good fun. But, you and she are playing by different rules.

 

As a man, you know in your gut that something is wrong. That something is disrespect.

 

I would recognize my mistake and demote her. I would back right off.

 

You, however, seem like an old-fashioned guy. The problem is that this is no longer the 1950s. The modern dating scene is a horrorshow.

 

Your only real option at this point is to tell her straight that you don't like this situation. Tell her this sternly, but only tell her this once. If she doesn't take it seriously, then she doesn't take you seriously. You'll need to find a different woman: one that shares your old-fashioned values, or you'll need to adapt to the reality of dating in the 21st century.

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You're not being insecure. You are being somewhat needy though. You are trying to force a relationship to work with a woman that is not complying.

 

If I agree to an exclusive, long-term relationship, I won't tolerate other men orbiting my girlfriend.

 

Would she put up with you having lots of time for another woman?

 

Some women just love men's attention too much to give it up for a stable relationship. Some women just aren't girlfriend material. Keeping orbiters around is one of the hallmarks. These type of women have their place, and they can be good fun. But, you and she are playing by different rules.

 

As a man, you know in your gut that something is wrong. That something is disrespect.

 

I would recognize my mistake and demote her. I would back right off.

 

You, however, seem like an old-fashioned guy. The problem is that this is no longer the 1950s. The modern dating scene is a horrorshow.

 

Your only real option at this point is to tell her straight that you don't like this situation. Tell her this sternly, but only tell her this once. If she doesn't take it seriously, then she doesn't take you seriously. You'll need to find a different woman: one that shares your old-fashioned values, or you'll need to adapt to the reality of dating in the 21st century.

 

Good post.

 

OP just needs to catch up with the times.

 

Any girl that has lots of guy friends IRL and on Social Media, red flag.

 

Dating today is a horror show. No more are the days of courting a woman, her being single, not talking to any other men... now you have to expect the girl you're interested in to have a boyfriend and a couple of guys on the side. :sick:

 

I think it's time someone created a website for those who want a monogamous relationship and have old-fashioned values. I mean, we have enough infidelity and hook up websites...

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Any girl that has lots of guy friends IRL and on Social Media, red flag.

 

Dating today is a horror show. No more are the days of courting a woman, her being single, not talking to any other men... now you have to expect the girl you're interested in to have a boyfriend and a couple of guys on the side. :sick:

 

I have tons of male friends. I grew up with three brothers, I'm close friends with most of their friends. As an adult it's been really easy for me to have male friends since I grew up around so many boys. I've been invited to weddings of my male friends. It's not fair to assume having a male friend or lots of male friends is a red flag.

 

However, the girl in OP just sounds like a mess of drama and issues, and seriously immature. The arguments she's having with her "best friend" are high school drama. Don't waste your time with this girl! Go find a woman who has her head on straight.

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I don’t think you’re broken. I think you’re lonely. Being a single parent can be achingly lonely. And the dazzly quick-fix people can be appealing because they can give you a rush.

 

But she is a problem. You already know she isn’t someone you want to be with for the next 50 years. She would have to change personality for that to happen, right?

 

And... The Rules? Bah!

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I did it.

I basically opened up about how I feel to her and I'm not sure how to take it all.

Firstly she agrees, shes not a very "Lovey, kissy" text type. She says thats who she is and it isn't all mushy all the time.

 

The thing with the guy...

She says I have a warped sense of how much she talks to him and what about.

She says its a few texts per week and they are always about her friend.

She did admit one thing, he admitted having a bit of a crush on her before I dated her but says hes never said or done anything about it beside admit it.

She said she has a STRICT rule...never date or **** anyone her friends have so he will always be off the table. She says the only connection they have is in discussing her friend.

 

She told me if she dropped every guy friend she had who had a little crush on her then she would have absolutely no guy friends.

She said she will always be 100% honest with me and has never been unloyal even to the guys who treated her like ****. She says her morals and standards are to high for that (she is very "uptight" and has a masters degree even)

 

I basically told her tho I dont want him around and to cut him off. She didnt make any promises tho, more or less I told her "I dont like him or the realtionship between you guys but its your decision on what too do"

I'm gonna ask her what her final decision is tonight.

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She's a dater, not a partner. She doesn't know how to do what you do. You've been in a long term relationship, at a young age when other guys are just going around hooking up, so you are partnership-minded. She hasn't done that, so she doesn't get it. She may be a good person but you are more advanced in this department.

 

I don't think you are insecure. I think you should think about what you want at 40. Married with a life partner? Or still serial dating? Five years go by fast. If she doesn't get her act together soon, she will still be dating 10 years later, only older and no family. That's fine if that's her choice. You choose what you want for yourself. I think this lady is not good partner material.

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The thing with the guy...

 

She says I have a warped sense of how much she talks to him and what about.

 

That's not a good start - already turning things around. It means that she has no intention of changing.

 

She says its a few texts per week and they are always about her friend.

 

So? I send some of the women that i'm involved with just a few texts a week. I'm doing that to keep them on the hook. She's doing the same thing with her orbiter 'friend'.

 

he admitted having a bit of a crush on her

 

What a surprise!

 

but says hes never said or done anything about it beside admit it.

 

This is the definition of an orbiter. He will strike, if given the chance.

 

She said she has a STRICT rule...never date or **** anyone her friends have so he will always be off the table.

 

Yeah? Well here's a strict rule for you: never get in a long-term relationship with a woman who keeps orbiters around.

 

she is very "uptight" and has a masters degree even

 

If you knew some of the things i've done with University girls...

An education is no indicator of wholesomeness.

 

This one sounds like an attention wh*re to me. AWs are not girlfriend material.

 

You can do what you like, mate. It's your life. But, this is not something that I put up with from a girlfriend. I just have fun with women like this. Then, whatever they do outside of my presence is their business. They can have all the male attention they want.

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Sadly I posted this on an old account I forgot about. It was my first dating experince during the summer which was HELL and my PC logged me into that account I forgot creating..

 

But heres an update on how things are going..

 

So I posted about a week ago about my GF and her interactions with her "Frien'emies" ex-boyfriend and how it irked me and this back and forth she has with this girl seems childish.

I also talked about how she was, in my opinion, emotionally unavailable..(See OP for all info)

 

Well, I dropped my passive aggressive stance and told her exactly how I felt. Not only that some new strange stuff has popped up leading me to believe all this is culminating to the beginning of the end..

 

So, last Tue she posted a pic on her IG of her new leggings and like clockwork this "buddy" hit the like button in less then 3 seconds. I shot her a text just saying "Like clockwork as always...I think we may be done, why dont you give me a call"

I explained their interactions were odd, I explained this guy noticable has a crush on her...her response was..

"I know he does, he told me this before me and you even met."

She went on to tell me I have the amount of texting they do blown out pof proportion and its very rare. She went on to say things like "He dated and ****ed one of my friends, Id never touch him!" and "Hes a Vegan, with a pony tail, and a bunch of cats!" also adding "I seriously wish you could meet him and understand why he is no threat"

 

She basically ended that discussion saying for me to pick and choose her friends sets a bad precedent and she doesnt want to start doing that. She also basically said I was acting crazy and blowing nothing into something cause Im insecure.

 

As far as her being emotionally unavailable...she says thats just her. She isnt the touchy feely romantic type. I have to accept that I guess.

 

Heres the kicker...we have this talk Tue morning, Tue night before bed we talk until around midnight on the phone.

I get up at 7am and check my "Pics friends have liked on IG and when"..

I see she went and liked a picture of him from 4 days ago an hour after we got off the phone.

I called her and said this is basically disrespectful. She again says Im crazy and childish, especially checking her "Likes and Times" (she taught me this by the way cause she would monitor what and when I liked stuff and bring it up against me)

I just let it go and made it known I felt it as a disrespect.

 

As it stands now since that day she has liked one photo of his of his sisters graduation (which I can concede too) but low and behold her selfie she posted 2 days ago is the first pic he hasnt liked of hers instantly since me and her have been dating (6 months)

To me, its starting to look like a clear sign she made have warned him...I'm actively waiting for her to post another shot and see if this trend continues. if it does I'm gonna say something along the lines of "I see you talked to him and gave him a type of warning huh?"....to which I'm sure Ill be called crazy and childish.

 

 

Even this weekend was a clusterf*ck of silly stuff as usual.

 

I got her sapphire studs and a necklace (nothing to lavish, we've been together 6 months and $300 isnt much to me)

She refused to take them and now I have to return them. She started her argument off by saying things like she doesnt wear nice stuff, she doesnt wear sapphires etc.. then ended up saying things like "I dont wear ugly grandma mall jewlery"...that kind of hurt my feelings but I sucked it up.

 

Last nights argument was the best..

I said to her while we were out "Your the most beautiful girl in this entire room"

She was livid...saying I'm using lines, saying its cheesey, saying "I know I am far from beautiful let alone the best looking woman in this room so what your doing right now is lying to my face. Your comparing me to other women based on beauty and making it a value and its not even true"

 

That also hurt...Its like I cant win with her...

She says things like "I dont want better or bad, I just want neutral" or things like "I just exist"..

I feel in a world of black and white she just wants grey and mundane...I dont get it.

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She's a dater, not a partner. She doesn't know how to do what you do. You've been in a long term relationship, at a young age when other guys are just going around hooking up, so you are partnership-minded. She hasn't done that, so she doesn't get it. She may be a good person but you are more advanced in this department.

 

I don't think you are insecure. I think you should think about what you want at 40. Married with a life partner? Or still serial dating? Five years go by fast. If she doesn't get her act together soon, she will still be dating 10 years later, only older and no family. That's fine if that's her choice. You choose what you want for yourself. I think this lady is not good partner material.

 

I seem to haveposted my update already lol but I did add some new stuff like her actions the next day (liking his pic from 3 days ao and such)

 

But I will also update on what I know about her background in relationships and such.

 

Shes early 30's...spent 19-23 living with a guy and he just "broke it off" amicably.

She jumped into a relationship almost instantly due to a controlling mother and not wanting to move home.

This new relationship last another 3-4 years of her living with him and he was very controlling but cheated on her constantly. Eventually he kicked her out for a MUCH younger girl.

She was forced to quickly find a place and lived alone barely scraping by for 4 years, this is when the "party/club" stuff started.

Towards the end of this time she was kidnapped for 12 hours off the street but not sexually assualted just robbed.

Right after this incident she started the raltionship with a guy who worked at the club who had a GF in college in another state. She was fed lies and he treated her like ****. He was also sexually impotent, broke, tattooed EVERYWHERE, sold drugs and carried a gun....I guess it was more about protection and companionship for her.

After this broke off, almost 2 years ago, she just kept trying to date...every single guy had a GF secretly and used her or they just didnt return calls.

Then she gave up for almost a year...and then I came along.

 

Thats a whirlwind of **** compared to me...

 

I got my GF pregnant at 19, had a kid and got married, now Im single...

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She doesn't ask to see me instead I have to initiate all contact. She says this is because I'm "Driving the bus"

 

Now I wonder how long I could go seeing her if I didn't initiate contact. -- I am not telling you to play games here, but I'd leave it to her for a while so you can get a better gauge on her investment. She's making you do all the work here and it's no wonder you're wondering.

 

RH ...so confused now. Didn't you say in other thread *not* to pull back (in an attempt to get the other person to step up)?

 

That it's best to *talk* to them about what's troubling you first *before* pulling back?

 

But here you tell the OP to "leave it to her for awhile to get a better gauge on her investment?" Because he is doing all the work?

 

How is what you just advised the OP to do any different from what I have been doing.....which you said was wrong? And that it's best to communicate first?

 

I know this thread isn't about me, but this is very confusing to me now....

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RH ...so confused now. Didn't you say in other thread *not* to pull back (in an attempt to get the other person to step up)?

 

That it's best to *talk* to them about what's troubling you first *before* pulling back?

 

But here you tell the OP to "leave it to her for awhile to get a better gauge on her investment?" Because he is doing all the work?

 

How is what you just advised the OP to do any different from what I have been doing.....which you said was wrong? And that it's best to communicate first?

 

I know this thread isn't about me, but this is very confusing to me now....

 

She did say something odd to me last night, along the lines of "initiating"

I get up and am working by 530am, she's up at 9am and at work by 11ish..

So I said text me when you get a chance (considering I'm up and already in a work zone by the times she's brushing her teeth)

And she said "You text me, that's your job"

 

I dont get that.

 

I also asked her tonight when she fell in love with me and she said "almost instantly, even before we met and we just text...I thought I was crazy due to the connection but I just knew" then when I asked her about a time I was saying goodnight as I dropped her off and I slipped and said ILU how it made her felt and she said "I was hoping the cat was out of the bag...bit sadly you took it back and didn't say it again for 4 months"

 

 

I'm really sorry if I sound stupid or a complete imbecile...I spent almost 20 years with the same person. I was in a bubble through my 20's and early 30's and I just don't understand people.

I tried dating once before this girl and was cheated on throughout and treated very poorly and used for my money and sex....

I'm a complete novice who has already had his guts kicked in.

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OMG, just end it officially with her and walk away! Such drama that you don't need!!

 

She isn't long term material, let alone someone you want to marry. She's shown you who she is, an immature brat who enjoys attention from many men and she doesn't care how it makes you feel. In fact, it seems she gets a kick of putting you down, telling you you're insecure and to get over it. Let alone insulting the jewelry you got her, wtf.

 

You deserve better.

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