man with no desire for sex

[lovestruck88]

Ive been in a relationship for over half a year now. The relationship has been pretty wonderful and i finally feel like a met the right guy. hes a good man and loves me very much.

Ive always been the kind of person if something is bothering me i express it in hopes it can be resolved.

The only real problem im finding with this guy is the fact him and i have different sex drives. we do have sex but maybe 2 a week if that...and its over pretty fast.

I have talked to him about it so he is fully aware of this issue. He does try sometimes but then get lazy in bed.

Hes used excuses like, stress, tired, pressure from me, and admitted he doesn't have a sex drive like he used to in his younger years. I know its nothing to do with attraction, its beyond that.

I know he watches porn and he gets erections constantly. Even in bed, there is zero foreplay. I do give him foreplay but its NEVER reciprocated. I dont think if think just slips his mind because he brought up how he doesnt really do it and asked if i liked it...

now, I dont know if im just not taking charge, but when we were in the early period of dating...he did all the foreplay people usually do.

anyways, hes been away visiting family and i had an emotional outburst.

I impulse texted him how he seriously needs to put more effort into our sex life or i dont know how ill handle it. I even mentioned how i wonder why im even taking birthcontrol.

Well, his response was how he doesnt feel good enough for me, told me to find a real man because hes not adequate enough for me ....and started to self loathe...saying he hates himself, and is a loser and a bad lay.

he tends to guilt trip me into feeling bad when he knows im unhappy with him.

the comments from him made me feel horrible about this situation and making him feel bad about himself.

I get i shouldnt of brought this subject up unless we were face to face but i need to get it off my chest so he got the picture.

I txted about how hurt im feeling, and he been completely distant which makes me angry due to the fact he wont comfort me or just say hes willing to try.

he never said hes willing to try since i brought up this text whles hes away....and he didnt seem to brother to reach out to make things right

now, i get it, everyone says, you cant either accept your sex life will never be what you want or leave him

but i know deep down in my heart, i couldnt leave him over this. i know though id always get hurt over the fact my man doesnt want to explore our sex life .

is there any one in this situation or can give me some thoughts on how to handle this. I guess im just as upset the fact is just feels sorry for himself and seems to like to make me feel in creditably guilty.

[jen1447]

now, i get it, everyone says, you cant either accept your sex life will never be what you want or leave him

That's about it right there, there's no 'secret way out' or magic bullet or anything. I don't get why you'd refuse to leave him given all the compatibility issues (not to mention the exploitation issues), but I guess relationships are complicated. If you refuse to leave, just get used to sucking this up on a permanent basis. :-/

[joseb]

That's about it right there, there's no 'secret way out' or magic bullet or anything. I don't get why you'd refuse to leave him given all the compatibility issues (not to mention the exploitation issues), but I guess relationships are complicated. If you refuse to leave, just get used to sucking this up on a permanent basis. :-/

 

Nice choice of words there Jen

[joseb]

He's basically a lazy and selfish lover.

It's unlikely he will change.

 

So yeah it's likely you will have to either accept a bad sex life or decide to move on.

 

How old is he?

[FaithInTheDark]

This is one tough thing to deal with.

[mightycpa]

He's watching too much porn and his mind is tired of all the sex you're not having, but it thinks that he is.

[StBreton]

So instead of addressing the issue maturely, he does the whole "woe is me" thing...does he do that when other issues come up? I couldn't deal with a guy like this ... and I couldn't deal with a bad sex life. This guys doesn't seem to care for your needs...either in discussing issues in a mature manner or in the bedroom.

[Redhead14]

Ive been in a relationship for over half a year now. The relationship has been pretty wonderful and i finally feel like a met the right guy. hes a good man and loves me very much.

Ive always been the kind of person if something is bothering me i express it in hopes it can be resolved.

The only real problem im finding with this guy is the fact him and i have different sex drives. we do have sex but maybe 2 a week if that...and its over pretty fast.

I have talked to him about it so he is fully aware of this issue. He does try sometimes but then get lazy in bed.

Hes used excuses like, stress, tired, pressure from me, and admitted he doesn't have a sex drive like he used to in his younger years. I know its nothing to do with attraction, its beyond that.

I know he watches porn and he gets erections constantly. Even in bed, there is zero foreplay. I do give him foreplay but its NEVER reciprocated. I dont think if think just slips his mind because he brought up how he doesnt really do it and asked if i liked it...

now, I dont know if im just not taking charge, but when we were in the early period of dating...he did all the foreplay people usually do.

anyways, hes been away visiting family and i had an emotional outburst.

I impulse texted him how he seriously needs to put more effort into our sex life or i dont know how ill handle it. I even mentioned how i wonder why im even taking birthcontrol.

Well, his response was how he doesnt feel good enough for me, told me to find a real man because hes not adequate enough for me ....and started to self loathe...saying he hates himself, and is a loser and a bad lay.

he tends to guilt trip me into feeling bad when he knows im unhappy with him.

the comments from him made me feel horrible about this situation and making him feel bad about himself.

I get i shouldnt of brought this subject up unless we were face to face but i need to get it off my chest so he got the picture.

I txted about how hurt im feeling, and he been completely distant which makes me angry due to the fact he wont comfort me or just say hes willing to try.

he never said hes willing to try since i brought up this text whles hes away....and he didnt seem to brother to reach out to make things right

now, i get it, everyone says, you cant either accept your sex life will never be what you want or leave him

but i know deep down in my heart, i couldnt leave him over this. i know though id always get hurt over the fact my man doesnt want to explore our sex life .

is there any one in this situation or can give me some thoughts on how to handle this. I guess im just as upset the fact is just feels sorry for himself and seems to like to make me feel in creditably guilty.

 

This man may have a low sex drive but he is also emotionally unavailable and selfish. He is telling you who he is.

 

Even in bed, there is zero foreplay. -- Men (and women) who are emotionally unavailable have no interest in foreplay because that is actually more intimate than the act itself. The usually skip that and get right down to "biness".

 

i couldnt leave him over this -- Actually, you wouldn't be leaving him because of the lack of sex, you would be leaving because he is emotionally unavailable.

 

A man who has sexual dysfunction and is actually emotionally invested in the woman he is with, will do whatever they can to satisfy the woman regardless of whether they can get satisfied at the time. They will be selfless about it.

 

his response was how he doesnt feel good enough for me, told me to find a real man because hes not adequate enough for me ....and started to self loathe...saying he hates himself, and is a loser and a bad lay. he tends to guilt trip me into feeling bad when he knows im unhappy with him. -- Lack of sex or desire isn't the reason he feels bad about himself, he just doesn't like himself anyway. What is his history? Dating/family, etc.

 

You have expressed your needs a few times now. When a woman expresses her needs to a man, she gives him some time to demonstrate his willingness and desire to meet those needs. If he doesn't, she moves on. She doesn't keep nagging and trying to make him do what he clearly doesn't want to do. They may try to do it for a while, but it's lip service, because they just want quiet. And, they go backwards until you bring it up again. The woman finds herself doing a dance with the man forever.

 

but when we were in the early period of dating...he did all the foreplay people usually do -- He did it for a while because that's what people do, but now you are just seeing what he really wanted.

 

I would suspect that there are other things in the relationship that leave you less than satisfied about his "investment". Think hard about that and evaluate for yourself whether he really is meeting most of your needs for a healthy, emotionally invested, long-term relationship.

[fenix]

i couldnt leave him over this [/b]-- Actually, you wouldn't be leaving him because of the lack of sex, you would be leaving because he is emotionally unavailable.

 

A man who has sexual dysfunction and is actually emotionally invested in the woman he is with, will do whatever they can to satisfy the woman regardless of whether they can get satisfied at the time. They will be selfless about i

 

You are wrong... having low sex drive or being lazy on bed has nothing to do with the emotional investment a man has in a relationship...

I could imagine this being a deal breaker but do not mislead OP with false accusations. You don't know how invested OP's partner is.

[VeveCakes]

Stop texting your problems and talk face to face, he can't guilt trip you as easily.

[Michelle ma Belle]

OMG what's with all the posts about men and lack of sex drive?!

 

OP, I've been here. Married for 20 years and spent almost 8 years of that completely sexless. Your partner sounds a lot like mine for heaven's sake and I'm hear to tell you that I was one of those women who stuck it out with him because I loved him, because I really thought it was ME with the problem, because I didn't want to be the bad wife who left her husband over sex, blah blah blah. He was a good man, great provider and amazing father but he was a lousy lover / sexual companion.

 

I can't even tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me. How he could choose porn over a real woman. I confronted him COUNTLESS times. In the beginning he denied it all until I secretly video taped him in his office one night. A new low for me I will admit but I was desperate and wanted him to know I was no fool.

 

Things got worse and worse. And as I've said a million times on here, when sex is missing from a relationship, particularly when one person pulls it off the table, it taints everything in your relationship. The resentment and sadness and anger and frustration become toxic and eventually will affect all areas of your life.

 

At one point my husband gave me "permission" to have an affair as long as I came home to him at night. This was SO out of character for him and I could see he wasn't all that comfortable with it but that's how lost he was in his addiction. That he would send me out to f*ck other men instead of taking care of business himself! That was a turning point for me.

 

OP, I understand what you're saying and what you're feeling but believe me when I tell you that this will only get worse. Do you really want to waste as many years as I did in a sexless and unhappy relationship??? I have so many regret about that I can't even begin to tell you. I should have left him years earlier but I loved him and had hoped I could make it better.

 

That never happened.

 

Think long and hard about this. It's a life sentence in my opinion. You either have to accept what is or move on. YOU can't change anything about this situation.

 

Good luck.

[Redhead14]

You are wrong... having low sex drive or being lazy on bed has nothing to do with the emotional investment a man has in a relationship...

I could imagine this being a deal breaker but do not mislead OP with false accusations. You don't know how invested OP's partner is.

 

having low sex drive or being lazy on bed -- You are correct. These aren't the reasons I suspect that he's emotionally unavailable though.

 

Lot's of men with low sex drive or ED become lazy in bed because they feel deflated and inadequate and frustrated, but they do not turn away from the issue if they love their spouses nor do the suggest she find someone else, nor do they blame the partner. These responses are immature at best.

 

I have very good, substantial reasons for suggesting that. There are other clues in this thread that indicate that very clearly. A man who says the woman he is with should find someone else, wants to take the easy way out . . . If a man said or even suggested this to me once, I'd do just that. He also deflects her concerns and blame shifts. That is an immature emotional response to any issue in a relationship. Like I said, she lets him know what her needs are and let's him demonstrate his sincerity to address it in a way that supports her, or at least compromises. He isn't. He doesn't care about her needs which equals little to no emotional investment.

 

She's starting to see the real him. If he were truly invested in her, he would make accommodations for her and consistently.

[fenix]

having low sex drive or being lazy on bed -- You are correct. These aren't the reasons I suspect that he's emotionally unavailable though.

 

Lot's of men with low sex drive or ED become lazy in bed because they feel deflated and inadequate and frustrated, but they do not turn away from the issue if they love their spouses nor do the suggest she find someone else, nor do they blame the partner. These responses are immature at best.

 

I have very good, substantial reasons for suggesting that. There are other clues in this thread that indicate that very clearly. A man who says the woman he is with should find someone else, wants to take the easy way out . . . If a man said or even suggested this to me once, I'd do just that. He also deflects her concerns and blame shifts. That is an immature emotional response to any issue in a relationship. Like I said, she lets him know what her needs are and let's him demonstrate his sincerity to address it in a way that supports her, or at least compromises. He isn't. He doesn't care about her needs which equals little to no emotional investment.

 

She's starting to see the real him. If he were truly invested in her, he would make accommodations for her and consistently.

 

It could be that you are right or it could be that OP's partner finds himself not able to get up to the standards of OP and is even afraid to begin working on it. This things are often much more complex than they seem and oversimplify this and advise someone to break a relationship is always easy in a forum when you don't get to see the repercussions your advise can have.

My advise for the OP is to take it or leave it, is not fair to try to change him. He is who he is with his low level of sex drive. If that is a deal breaker then go ahead and break with him but if not let him be himself!.

Edited February 8, 2016 by fenix

[Redhead14]

It could be that you are right or it could be that OP's partner finds himself not able to get up to the standards of OP and is even afraid to begin working on it. This things are often much more complex than they seem and oversimplify this and advise someone to break a relationship is always easy in a forum when you don't get to see the repercussions your advise can have.

My advise for the OP is to take it or leave it, is not fair to try to change him. He is who he is with his low level of sex drive. If that is a deal breaker then go ahead and break with him but if not let him be himself!.

 

I'm just trying to give her a little more insight and to look at the entire relationship more closely in terms of what his emotional investment really is because she apparently is struggling with making the decision to break it off based on just this aspect. If she looks more closely and finds that it is perhaps just a symptom of a larger problem, it will make the decision maybe a little easier to make.

[Robratory]

Ive been in a relationship for over half a year now. The relationship has been pretty wonderful and i finally feel like a met the right guy. hes a good man and loves me very much.

Ive always been the kind of person if something is bothering me i express it in hopes it can be resolved.

The only real problem im finding with this guy is the fact him and i have different sex drives. we do have sex but maybe 2 a week if that...and its over pretty fast.

I have talked to him about it so he is fully aware of this issue. He does try sometimes but then get lazy in bed.

Hes used excuses like, stress, tired, pressure from me, and admitted he doesn't have a sex drive like he used to in his younger years. I know its nothing to do with attraction, its beyond that.

 

I'm sorry but the problem is that you're not facing reality. He's clearly NOT THE RIGHT GUY! It's not that you have different sex drives. It's that he's a lousy lover, and he has no interest in becoming a better one.

 

Take his advice and find a better man.