filmguy000 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 So I met this girl a couple months ago. We hit it of on the first date and we talked and texted until our second date a week later. About half way through the night, she asked me about my past relationships and why they went wrong. After I said my part, she seemed nervous then revealed that she had been in a relationship with a woman for about six years. This kind of shocked me and she noticed that it was kind of a big surprise. She then proceeded to say that she has always dated men before and after the forementioned relationship. She then said that she doesn't consider herself to be a lesbian or even bisexual as she claims to not seek or desire women. She said that in this case, she fell in love with the woman's heart, not her gender. She described the woman to be extremely masculine and such. The relationship supposedly ended because the woman ended up seeing that my girlfriend wasn't really into the relationship anymore and that there were other issues. I'm still going out with this girl and I do like her alot. But her past is something that makes me feel a bit uneasy. And she is aware of that as well. But she has been honest and overall very nice to me. She does want kids as she is 33 and I am 30 years old. But I did tell her that I may not be ready in the the near future due to financial and other reasons. She said that she likes me a lot and would like to continue the relationship until it either runs its course or leads to something more serious. Has anyone heard of this type of scenario? Should it be a concern? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I have no idea why this would concern you. Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 You're dating her now, not her past. Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 She then said that she doesn't consider herself to be a lesbian or even bisexual as she claims to not seek or desire women. She said that in this case, she fell in love with the woman's heart, not her gender. She described the woman to be extremely masculine and such. How does that work? if you loves someone's heart, you are platonic friends. I have same sex friends. but I don't have a physical relationship with them. I couldn't imagine touching my friends in any physical ways. if you physically involved with same sex, then you are lesbian or bisexual. isn't it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Concern as in she's gonna run back to a woman? Possibly, altho just being bi won't make her more prone to do that. But there are never any guarantees anyway. If you're concerned just that it's some kind of history that makes you uncomfortable that yes that's legit. Her past isn't going away any sooner than yours is so if you can't live with it, better figure that out sooner rather than later. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 How does that work? I mean, how does being in love with someone's heart factor in when she was giving her 'friend' oral sex? Maybe I slept through anatomy class but the heart is not, I am reasonably convinced, located in the vagina. At the very least, she obviously has no problems being physically intimate with her girlfriends. So how is that going to work when you hit a rough spot in your relationship and she goes for some comfort from her posse? IMO this is too big a gamble to stake your future happiness on... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GildedLily Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 How does that work? if you loves someone's heart, you are platonic friends. I have same sex friends. but I don't have a physical relationship with them. I couldn't imagine touching my friends in any physical ways. if you physically involved with same sex, then you are lesbian or bisexual. isn't it? Not necessarily, sexuality is on a spectrum, it's not black and white in particular with females. There's a large emotional component that can transcend to sexual if a women is treated and spoken to in a certain loving way. According to many many studies men and woman are rarely 100% gay or 100% straight. Sexuality and gender identification are very complex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ragnar1984 Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 The only concern is why are you are allowing this aspect of her past to affect your potential future together. Okay, so it may not have been what you were expecting to hear, but times have changed my friend. You are no longer living in the early 1900s. Peoples' sexual identities are more open now, then I imagine they ever have been. Heck, my partner has even kissed a few women in her time. That doesn't automatically mean that she is planning to one day ditch me for the local lipstick lesbian (no offence intended). You need to display a more adult attitude toward this, or it has the potential to effect your relationship, big time. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 (edited) Has anyone heard of this type of scenario? Should it be a concern? Thanks! Yes I have. My good friend from college was straight, then tried out being a lesbian for a few years (she had two serious lesbian relationships that lasted eight years total) and then realized that she was straight and interested in men permanently. If context is helpful, she says that she drifted towards women because she'd had some bad experiences with men early on- her dad was a prick, he abandoned her mom, and then she had a crappy boyfriend in high school..you get the point. Just to make this story more complicated, here's the part where she first tried dating women: In college, her best friend was a transgendered woman (as in a woman who wanted to be a man). Her friend was attracted to women. They were "best friends" until her friend eventually made her feelings known, and then they became lovers. I thought those two would be together forever, but I was wrong. Anyway, ten years later, my friend is dating a man again. They fall in love, they get married, I'm a bridesmaid in the wedding. Sometime around the bachelorette party I finally asked her if she ever told her fiancé about her lesbian past- and she actually did NOT tell him. She felt terrible about not telling him, but felt like there was never a relevant time during their relationship to let him know, and now felt like it would be hurtful to tell him so late in their relationship. My advice to her was, trust your gut feelings- if there's a need to know, then you'll tell him someday. But your past is your past, and he's your present and future. If he has nothing to worry about- as in, no fears of ever wanting to be with a woman again- then telling him is only going to cause him pain. These two are one of the most fun couples to be around, and are truly happy together, and love each other for all the right reasons. I think they'll be fine. If you have a strong relationship with your girlfriend, you shouldn't have anything to worry about. OH, AND her college girlfriend- who by now has had the transgender procedure and is a man- came to the wedding with his new fiancé. The three of us had a great time reconnecting. Edited February 8, 2016 by AMJ Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 How does that work? I mean, how does being in love with someone's heart factor in when she was giving her 'friend' oral sex? Maybe I slept through anatomy class but the heart is not, I am reasonably convinced, located in the vagina. At the very least, she obviously has no problems being physically intimate with her girlfriends. So how is that going to work when you hit a rough spot in your relationship and she goes for some comfort from her posse? IMO this is too big a gamble to stake your future happiness on... Wtf? How is it any different than any typical relationship where your gf could run back to an exboyfriend for "comfort"? Just because she had a relationship with a women doesn't mean she can't have a stable one with a man, or a woman, in the future. I sense a bit of homophobia here and if that's where you're coming from OP, you don't deserve a relationship with this person. Anyone whether straight, gay or bisexual could cheat or leave you for a different partner. The fact that she's been with a woman is irrelevant. Btw some women can have a relationship with another women but not consider themselves bisexual. They might just see that relationship as an exception to their typical preference. That is OK. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 lis, don't be so quick to call people homophobic. That's really extreme considering he said nothing remotely disrespectful or insulting in his OP. Having his concerns is pretty understandable- I'd be concerned if my current bf told me he used to be gay. I'd wonder, maybe he'll someday want to be with a man again, and that's something I can never provide him. This isn't a simple issue, and he's not a bad person for being concerned. He's protecting his own heart and doesn't want to get hurt. We all do that. And don't you even think about calling me homophobic. I have two transgendered friends, have had several lesbian and gay roommates, and coworkers...two of my best friends are gay men...just be careful when you make rash judgements about others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 That doesn't concern me much. I've been involved with women who were with other women. What does concern me though, is that she seems to downplay any attraction to women... yet that relationship lasted for 6 years. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 That doesn't concern me much. I've been involved with women who were with other women. What does concern me though, is that she seems to downplay any attraction to women... yet that relationship lasted for 6 years. Doesn't really mean anything, she might just have been ebbing to one side. Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Gay people can have babies too! I'm friends with a lesbian couple who just had their second child. Each mom took a turn carrying their babies. Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I don't see why this is even a problem... It's as simple as that. People seem to think that there are three big buckets Straight, Gay, and Bi. In reality there is a sliding scale, and guess what, it's not fixed either! Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 I don't see why this is even a problem... It's as simple as that. People seem to think that there are three big buckets Straight, Gay, and Bi. In reality there is a sliding scale, and guess what, it's not fixed either! It's impossible there could even be a bi bucket, unless it was like two conjoined buckets lol. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Doesn't really mean anything... Your opinion. A six year relationship is too long to be considered "ebbing" for me. If I'm with another man for more than one year, it's because I consider him hot. And if I can find hotness in one guy for that long, I could start finding hotness in another. I won't deny it. Nor would I deny the possibility of it being some ridiculously long "ebb," though I'd have my BS detector on full alert with that statement. The issue is that if she can be with someone for that long and write it off with "but I'm zero percent gay..." I'd wonder about what else she can nonchalantly pass off. Sounds like a sign of unawareness of self. Or maybe she just needs a dictionary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 It's impossible there could even be a bi bucket, unless it was like two conjoined buckets lol. A "bucket" that simple and/or lazy people use to classify others so they don't have to think about them. It's a sign of shallow thinking-people that occurs across all facets of civilization. They consider you as either straight; ('plonk' into that bucket, and all the assumptions around "straight" people that go along with it); Gay, ('Plonk' into a another bucket with more tinsel and Kylie Minogue music); or you are "bi" (Plonk, into a bucket they can't really understand and don't want to think much about...it's all too confusing) Gay people are all gay, and never have straight desires, straight people never have these odd thoughts about members of the same sex...etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 ...I sense a potential argument over nothing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You're dating her now, not her past. Yep, the past never happened as soon as you are bf and gf. It has been erased by the power of ''the past is the past''. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 It sounds like she is bisexual, whatever she has said to you. The issue is whether you mind this or not. As a heterosexual woman myself, I would not date or have anything but a friends relationship with another woman. I would also not wish to date someone who was bisexual. It is just not what I'm into. I would feel uncomfortable. I am not condemning anyone else or making any value judgements when I say the above: it is just me and what I need from a relationship. Listen to your gut instinct and what it is telling you (and I have no idea what it is telling you, by the way). If you are feeling uneasy, what exactly do you feel uneasy about? Try to work your way through these feelings. You are probably going through a pretty confused stage at the moment. Maybe your feelings will settle down and all will become clear soon. Wait and see what surfaces basically (from your soul). Then you will be in a position to make decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 A "bucket" that simple and/or lazy people use to classify others so they don't have to think about them. It's a sign of shallow thinking-people that occurs across all facets of civilization. They consider you as either straight; ('plonk' into that bucket, and all the assumptions around "straight" people that go along with it); Gay, ('Plonk' into a another bucket with more tinsel and Kylie Minogue music); or you are "bi" (Plonk, into a bucket they can't really understand and don't want to think much about...it's all too confusing) Gay people are all gay, and never have straight desires, straight people never have these odd thoughts about members of the same sex...etc etc. Let's just say the bi bucket should be more of a trough then so everything tossed in there can kinda shuffle along nearer or further to the straight and gay buckets. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 So I met this girl a couple months ago. We hit it of on the first date and we talked and texted until our second date a week later. About half way through the night, she asked me about my past relationships and why they went wrong. After I said my part, she seemed nervous then revealed that she had been in a relationship with a woman for about six years. This kind of shocked me and she noticed that it was kind of a big surprise. She then proceeded to say that she has always dated men before and after the forementioned relationship. She then said that she doesn't consider herself to be a lesbian or even bisexual as she claims to not seek or desire women. She said that in this case, she fell in love with the woman's heart, not her gender. She described the woman to be extremely masculine and such. The relationship supposedly ended because the woman ended up seeing that my girlfriend wasn't really into the relationship anymore and that there were other issues. I'm still going out with this girl and I do like her alot. But her past is something that makes me feel a bit uneasy. And she is aware of that as well. But she has been honest and overall very nice to me. She does want kids as she is 33 and I am 30 years old. But I did tell her that I may not be ready in the the near future due to financial and other reasons. She said that she likes me a lot and would like to continue the relationship until it either runs its course or leads to something more serious. Has anyone heard of this type of scenario? Should it be a concern? Thanks! I have heard of it... in the person of a very dear friend of mine... and despite a female-female relationship for a few years in the past, exactly nothing about anything she has said or done over the past 13-ish years hints that she is even so much as bisexual. I think lesbians talk of "college camp" (where for being away from home for the first time, young women may entertain sexual romps and/or relationships with other women, which so often end when college ends) and mean exactly that. My vibe is to trust exactly as she says/reports until any current/future evidence tells you not to... Link to post Share on other sites
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