deal breaker?

[tinkerbell16]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of one month after he confessed he used to have a cocaine addiction. He said he received treatment and does not currently have an issue. The thing is after my last relationship ended due to addiction issues (I discovered he was an addict after 5 months) I specifically asked my new boyfriend if he had addiction issues. He stated no. I feel he should have told me about his past when I asked. He says his past is his past and it shouldn't matter now. I always thought that even if an addict gets treatment the are always in recovery. I feel deceived yet again. I don't want to be five months in and discover he is not truly recovered. He says if he had told me when we first started dating I would have never got to know the man he is today, not his past. I have never abused to drugs or alcohol and I don't really understand addictive behavior. He is angry I broke it off. I am angry he wasn't honest in the beginning and waited a month to tell me about his past. I am starting to feel like everyone seems to have addiction issues of some kind. I am ready to give up...

[Satu]

It depends on where you draw the line...

 

A good friend of mine drank himself to death a few years ago.

 

I was the one who found him dead in his apartment.

 

I hope you never end up in that situation.

 

Only you know where you want to draw your line.

 

 

Take care.

[bu2002]

There's really not a standard formula for how to handle past issues and each person carves out their own strategy. It's common for people to want to avoid talking about them early on, be it any sort of addiction, past relationship issues, or whatever. I don't blame him for not wanting to get into it early on, however once you called him on it, he should realized he needed to adjust his formula if he really started to care for you.

[Wewon]

I would have done the same.

[oldshirt]

Let's assume you've screwed a few dozen guys back in your wild days in college.

 

 

Then let's say you've figured out that a decent relationship-minded men are pretty hesitant about getting seriously involved with chicks that have been around the block a few too many times.

 

 

So lets say you get serious about settling down and finding a decent guy and building a future together and you put your partying ways behind you.

 

 

Then one day you meet a decent guy and he seems like he's taking you seriously and he also is looking towards the future and isn't just out for a night of fun.

 

 

One day you are having a somewhat serious discussion about relationships and sexuality and the role of sexuality in relationships etc etc and he wants to know how many shoulders you've had your legs over.

 

 

Knowing that he is a relationship-minded man who isn't into casual hook ups and promiscuity and such, you do the standard real number divided by 3-5 and give him a real low-balled impression of the number notches on your bedpost.

 

 

Then some time passes, you've been a model girlfriend and things are going well and then one day he some how finds out how many dudes you've actually been with and how many hummers you've actually given in the men's room of various bars and he is upset that you lied to his face and that you have intentionally misrepresented yourself.

 

 

Is he in the right to dump you because you were what he did not want and you lied about it to misrepresent yourself? Are you in the right that he should judge you by how you are today and that your wild days were in your past and that you have been a model GF since you have been with him and there for he should accept you as you are now?

 

 

Which is right?

[Redhead14]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of one month after he confessed he used to have a cocaine addiction. He said he received treatment and does not currently have an issue. The thing is after my last relationship ended due to addiction issues (I discovered he was an addict after 5 months) I specifically asked my new boyfriend if he had addiction issues. He stated no. I feel he should have told me about his past when I asked. He says his past is his past and it shouldn't matter now. I always thought that even if an addict gets treatment the are always in recovery. I feel deceived yet again. I don't want to be five months in and discover he is not truly recovered. He says if he had told me when we first started dating I would have never got to know the man he is today, not his past. I have never abused to drugs or alcohol and I don't really understand addictive behavior. He is angry I broke it off. I am angry he wasn't honest in the beginning and waited a month to tell me about his past. I am starting to feel like everyone seems to have addiction issues of some kind. I am ready to give up...

 

He should have been honest with you about it. And, the fact is that just as alcoholics will always be alcoholics, and addicts will always be addicts -- they are always in recovery. His denial about it says that he still hasn't fully embraced and accepted his reality. Until he can actually stand up and say he has/had an addiction, the likelihood is that at some point he will return to that. In addition, many addicts will turn away from the original substance they were addicted to, but they will become addicted to something else they become overwhelmed and stressed to a point where they need a "crutch" again. They will be come obsessed with work, looks/clothing. They transfer the all the anxiety and underlying issues that caused the addiction to something else.

 

A really good rehab program will equip a recovering addict with the tools necessary to manage anxiety and stress and will have addressed those underlying issues that caused them to be addicts and observe whether the patient puts those tools into practice for some time. So, it would be important to know what type of program he was in and how long he participated in the program and how long he was "clean".

 

I don't really understand addictive behavior -- I'm glad you don't, because if you did, it would mean you'd been in those shoes. It's a very difficult road to travel. Some people can and do maintain "recovery" for the rest of their lives if the underlying reasons for the addiction have been fully addressed. It's fairly rare that addiction exists in and of itself. In other words, the addiction is only a symptom of a deeper issue.

 

He says if he had told me when we first started dating I would have never got to know the man he is today -- After only one month of dating, you don't know anything about him anyway.

 

Calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend after a month of dating is rushing things and is the time to end things when a deal breaker is revealed.

 

I am starting to feel like everyone seems to have addiction issues of some kind -- a great number of people have an addiction or psychological crutch whether they realize it or not -- some people over eat, some people go to the gym for hours and hours, some people smoke, some people try to control everything, some people bury themselves in work. Addictions come in various forms and all of them are attempts to deal with something else in an unhealthy way and not all are illegal.

 

He is angry I broke it off. -- He isn't angry with you, he's angry with himself.

[katiegrl]

He should have been honest with you about it. And, the fact is that just as alcoholics will always be alcoholics, and addicts will always be addicts -- they are always in recovery. His denial about it says that he still hasn't fully embraced and accepted his reality. Until he can actually stand up and say he has/had an addiction, the likelihood is that at some point he will return to that. In addition, many addicts will turn away from the original substance they were addicted to, but they will become addicted to something else they become overwhelmed and stressed to a point where they need a "crutch" again. They will be come obsessed with work, looks/clothing. They transfer the all the anxiety and underlying issues that caused the addiction to something else.

 

A really good rehab program will equip a recovering addict with the tools necessary to manage anxiety and stress and will have addressed those underlying issues that caused them to be addicts and observe whether the patient puts those tools into practice for some time. So, it would be important to know what type of program he was in and how long he participated in the program and how long he was "clean".

 

I don't really understand addictive behavior -- I'm glad you don't, because if you did, it would mean you'd been in those shoes. It's a very difficult road to travel. Some people can and do maintain "recovery" for the rest of their lives if the underlying reasons for the addiction have been fully addressed. It's fairly rare that addiction exists in and of itself. In other words, the addiction is only a symptom of a deeper issue.

 

He says if he had told me when we first started dating I would have never got to know the man he is today -- After only one month of dating, you don't know anything about him anyway.

 

Calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend after a month of dating is rushing things and is the time to end things when a deal breaker is revealed.

 

I am starting to feel like everyone seems to have addiction issues of some kind -- a great number of people have an addiction or psychological crutch whether they realize it or not -- some people over eat, some people go to the gym for hours and hours, some people smoke, some people try to control everything, some people bury themselves in work. Addictions come in various forms and all of them are attempts to deal with something else in an unhealthy way and not all are illegal.

 

He is angry I broke it off. -- He isn't angry with you, he's angry with himself.

 

RH .....I am not the OP......but thank you VERY MUCH for this post.^^

 

It wasn't your intention to help me... but you just did ...more than you'll ever know.

 

Thank you so much!!!

[strawberryshortstack]

Let's assume you've screwed a few dozen guys back in your wild days in college.

 

 

Then let's say you've figured out that a decent relationship-minded men are pretty hesitant about getting seriously involved with chicks that have been around the block a few too many times.

 

 

So lets say you get serious about settling down and finding a decent guy and building a future together and you put your partying ways behind you.

 

 

Then one day you meet a decent guy and he seems like he's taking you seriously and he also is looking towards the future and isn't just out for a night of fun.

 

 

One day you are having a somewhat serious discussion about relationships and sexuality and the role of sexuality in relationships etc etc and he wants to know how many shoulders you've had your legs over.

 

 

Knowing that he is a relationship-minded man who isn't into casual hook ups and promiscuity and such, you do the standard real number divided by 3-5 and give him a real low-balled impression of the number notches on your bedpost.

 

 

Then some time passes, you've been a model girlfriend and things are going well and then one day he some how finds out how many dudes you've actually been with and how many hummers you've actually given in the men's room of various bars and he is upset that you lied to his face and that you have intentionally misrepresented yourself.

 

 

Is he in the right to dump you because you were what he did not want and you lied about it to misrepresent yourself? Are you in the right that he should judge you by how you are today and that your wild days were in your past and that you have been a model GF since you have been with him and there for he should accept you as you are now?

 

 

Which is right?

 

These two circumstances aren't even CLOSE to being the same.

[Redhead14]

RH .....I am not the OP......but thank you VERY MUCH for this post.^^

 

It wasn't your intention to help me... but you just did ...more than you'll ever know.

 

Thank you so much!!!

 

I did think of you . . .

[Httm]

Let's assume you've screwed a few dozen guys back in your wild days in college.

 

 

Then let's say you've figured out that a decent relationship-minded men are pretty hesitant about getting seriously involved with chicks that have been around the block a few too many times.

 

 

So lets say you get serious about settling down and finding a decent guy and building a future together and you put your partying ways behind you.

 

 

Then one day you meet a decent guy and he seems like he's taking you seriously and he also is looking towards the future and isn't just out for a night of fun.

 

 

One day you are having a somewhat serious discussion about relationships and sexuality and the role of sexuality in relationships etc etc and he wants to know how many shoulders you've had your legs over.

 

 

Knowing that he is a relationship-minded man who isn't into casual hook ups and promiscuity and such, you do the standard real number divided by 3-5 and give him a real low-balled impression of the number notches on your bedpost.

 

 

Then some time passes, you've been a model girlfriend and things are going well and then one day he some how finds out how many dudes you've actually been with and how many hummers you've actually given in the men's room of various bars and he is upset that you lied to his face and that you have intentionally misrepresented yourself.

 

 

Is he in the right to dump you because you were what he did not want and you lied about it to misrepresent yourself? Are you in the right that he should judge you by how you are today and that your wild days were in your past and that you have been a model GF since you have been with him and there for he should accept you as you are now?

 

 

Which is right?

 

In both cases, they lied, which is a problem. There is no standard "divided real number" blah blah blah. Lying when a relationship is at the building of trust stage(or ever) is very bad.

[sandylee1]

He should have been honest about it....but how long has he been clean?

 

I can understand how you feel..because my first BF smoked weed when we met. I've never touched any kind of stuff like that and I told him if we were to have a relationship..he'd have to stop. He did.

 

Cocaine is so much worse.

 

Honesty is the foundation of a relationship...he lied about it from day 1

 

Now having said that..my BIL is a recovered addict, who lost a lot as a result of his addiction. He's a fantastic caring guy and a great dad now.

 

You've every right to walk away and his anger with you....indicates you made a good call.

[tinkerbell16]

Thanks all... I know my limits and that is exactly why I ended it abrubtly. I am just so over second chances. They have they worked out for me.

[TunaCat]

You absolutely did the right thing!

 

I have a zero tolerance policy for drug addiction and I would have done the exact same thing. As the daughter of a longtime heroin & meth addict, I refuse to ever date anyone that has a past drug history. In this case, someone's past would matter to me.