How can I learn to trust my boyfriend?

[peaceandlovexo1]

My boyfriend and I were good friends for three years before we got together. When we were friends, I noticed that he had "player" tendencies - he pursued multiple girls at once, was always talking to multiple girls, wouldn't commit, etc. However, he never used girls for sex, and when he really liked someone, he wanted to make a relationship happen.

 

I feel it is important to mention that he has been hurt badly in the past by women, and he would pursue multiple people in part because of the ego boost/attention. He has problems with self-esteem and needing attention.

 

Now, I don't believe he is cheating on me or anything of the sorts. But for some reason I find it difficult to trust him because as a friend I have seen how he behaves toward women. He has said before in the past when we were friends that he wouldn't commit to anyone, loyalty doesn't exist, etc. I really would like to trust him, because I care about him a lot and want this relationship to succeed. How can I go about doing that? Any advice?

 

I have talked to him about my concern over what he said in the past and he said he doesn't believe those things anymore and wouldn't start a relationship with me if he still did, and I believe him.

 

I have never had trust issues in the past, so feeling this way is very unsettling for me. Any insights would be appreciated.

[RySant]

Now, I don't believe he is cheating on me or anything of the sorts. But for some reason I find it difficult to trust him because as a friend I have seen how he behaves toward women. He has said before in the past when we were friends that he wouldn't commit to anyone, loyalty doesn't exist, etc. I really would like to trust him, because I care about him a lot and want this relationship to succeed. How can I go about doing that? Any advice?

 

I have talked to him about my concern over what he said in the past and he said he doesn't believe those things anymore and wouldn't start a relationship with me if he still did, and I believe him.

 

I have never had trust issues in the past, so feeling this way is very unsettling for me. Any insights would be appreciated.

 

There is no magic pill on your problem. You made the talk, he answered you for it. It's either trust him on that or you don't. I have learned a great deal today. Never trust anyone 100%. Trust him to an extent, but don't expect or be naive that he'll never cheat. Everyone has a capability to do so.

 

But, for now, he said he will not, so give him the benefit of the doubt.

[smackie9]

Not only do people change as they grow up, but they change because of the person they are with....sort like, "He has become the man he is today, because of you." and IMO you can't truly love someone unless you trust them completely.

[header]

You can never trust another person completely. You never know for sure what they are capable of doing. Sometimes they don't even know themselves.

[Ami1uwant]

People can change there artist use in relationships where early on it's just fun and dating...later it's something more serious.

[Zapbasket]

You have heard his words; now, if you decide to trust him, look at his actions. If he starts pulling away / being inconsistent / flirting with other women / etc., then this tells you he might want to be different on some level, but he's not ready to make it happen. Whatever you do, don't stand by hoping he will change if he shows through his actions that he still is what he was before. Yes, people evolve under the influence of others who come into their lives, but THEY make the choice to be open to the influence, and THEY are the ones who decide to change, on THEIR timeline.

 

Trust his expressed intent, but keep your eyes open.

[d0nnivain]

You make a point of observing his current behaviors & noting the good things.

 

You remind yourself that he is now with you not a bunch of women.

 

Note to yourself that he calls when he says he will

 

Note when he makes you feel special.

 

Once you start making a point to see & appreciate the nice things it will be easier to trust him.

[fitnessfan365]

I have talked to him about my concern over what he said in the past and he said he doesn't believe those things anymore and wouldn't start a relationship with me if he still did, and I believe him.

 

If you really believed him though, you wouldn't be having trust issues right?

 

Unfortunately though, there is no way to magically make it disappear. It just takes time and faith. Just to add some insight, my GF had some bad dating history in her past. A lot short lived casual stuff. So it's taking time for her to fully adjust to having a long term boyfriend, fully trust, etc.. Now as a guy, I obviously want to fix it for her. But I realize that I can't. All I can do is allow her time to work on her own issues and be a supportive ear when she needs to talk about things.

 

So my advice for what it's worth, is to focus on how you can overcome your issues on your own.

[Rejected Rosebud]

However, he never used girls for sex, and when he really liked someone, he wanted to make a relationship happen.

 

He has said before in the past when we were friends that he wouldn't commit to anyone, loyalty doesn't exist, etc.

 

Those two things are contradictory. Which one do you think is the truth?

 

I do believe that people grow and change. A lot of people had the fooling around stage and moved past it. It is kind of concerning that you haven't had trust issues in your past and now you do, are you ignoring any red flags?