Female friend troubles

[cluelessk]

I have been dating a guy for 9 months now. We are both in our late 30s – I am divorced with no kids, he’s never been married. Since the beginning, we’ve spent a lot of time together and for the last couple of months, I’ve been going to his place after work and staying the night on his invite, though there has been no talk of us officially moving in yet. Things have been pretty good, with some exceptions. One is that he’s met my family but I have only met his mother once, briefly. He tells me they are dysfunctional and that he’s just enjoying getting to know me. He knows it bothers me as his family lives in the same town and I don’t see why it’s a big deal. I just feel hidden, but I’ve been trying hard not to press the issue and stomp on his boundaries.

 

My other concern is his female friend, J. Just to preface, I am not typically a jealous person. In fact, I appreciated that my ex’s best friend was a woman and I myself have several male friends.

 

The problem is that I’m uncomfortable with how close J and my boyfriend are lately. He and J have known each other since high school. She got married right after graduation and about a year ago separated from her husband. Since then she has been dating regularly but she seems to be making unwise choices, based on what my boyfriend tells me. There is a lot of drama in her dating life, which she frequently discusses with him through regular texts and phone calls. Understandable given their long friendship. He is good about not responding to her texts and phone calls while we are together so I’m glad he’s respectful of that. But recently, she has also begun to discuss explicit details of her sex life with these guys with him. I’m uncomfortable with this because some of the comments she makes to him are things I would never discuss with my guy friends. He’s also mentioned to me before that he doesn’t understand why she is with these guys since she is attractive, smart, etc. I’ve never asked him if he’s ever been interested in her, but he’s proactively said a few times that she’s “like a sister.” However, my gut is telling me something is off here.

 

Am I over-reacting? I feel as though, given their long history together and the fact that she seems to look to him to “rescue” her from these situations this could turn into something more between them.

[carhill]

Since her separation pre-dated your meeting your BF, and they've known each other all their adult lives, if they were truly interested in mashing their bodies together in a carnal manner, they would have done so already and you and your BF wouldn't have met, IMO as an old fart who's been down this road a few times.

 

What are your impressions of the lady when you've interacted with her? Does she appear to be a friend of, and supporter of, your relationship?

[Ami1uwant]

I agree.....if there was something between these two it would have happened.

 

Have you asked him about how they met ?

 

I have a female friend I have been friends eith fir 25 years. I can talk about anything with her. I would talk about stuff with her I'd never talk about with my siblings. When we met my buddies said about asking her out but she said she had a boyfriend so It was just friends. As I got to know her there were dome difference that are critical for a relationship/marriage that are not in a friendship.

 

Since J had a long marriage she likely feels liked she is on training wheels with adult dating and talks to your BF about what's happening. How to read people and if this is normal.

 

On his family....how many of them are local or do they live in other cities? In my last relationship my gf had sll her family living near her while my family was across the country so I saw her family much more than I saw my own.

[bu2002]

I think people can be more mature or honest with their feelings about male/female friendships. Does your boyfriend find his female friend sexually attractive? Yeah probably. But there's a lot of girls he could see on a day to day basis he feels that about. He's a guy. That doesn't mean he wants an emotionally intiimate relationship with her. As far as "J". If he wanted to jump your boyfriend's bones, she would've tried by now or made it plainly obvious to him.

 

"J's" whole adult life it appears has been with one guy. She really didn't experience an adult dating process so yeah, is probably relying on your boyfriend for advice.