Could use male perspective

[Robot_heart]

I started talking to this guy on Facebook. He had started messaging me 4 months ago when I had become newly single. He didn't hit on me but just sent nice little inspirational quotes and memes, stuff like that. I was thankful but for the most part ignored him because I was in the post break up "jaded" frame of mind...

 

Fast forward to oh about three weeks ago. Suddenly the cloud of jaded depression lifts off my shoulders and I'm feeling great! Back to my normal self. During my breakup depression I started eating very light and healthy and running a lot more at the gym so naturally I'm not just feeling great I'm looking grea as well. Glowing is the word I would use to describe myself...

 

I finally got out of my funk and went and hung out with some old friends. The guy that had been messaging me came up in conversation. Now I don't know him per-se but my friends know him from high school and say he's a really nice guy. They give me the advice that I should totally go for it and message him back.

 

A few days later I do this. I message him on Facebook and we start talking from there. I told him all about my breakup and how it made me feel and he told me about his. His were far worse than mine and he said that he had been single and happy for a year now..

 

I really really like this guy! We began texting everyday all day and then talking on the phone for 2 to 3 hours a night every night... He was out of town on a job so we could not meet up in person. We exchanged pictures but they were just goofy ones. Nothing sexual, he's very gentlemen like... (Tbh I wouldn't have minded going the sexy route but he didn't seem ready for all that)

 

Anyway our conversations are amazing. We talk about everything. Life, love, our interests and hobbies. We are both out door freaks and into photography and travel. He even asked me my level of seriousness with him and said that all he could think of was me and that he hasn't felt this way in a long time... The feeling is mutual for me and we discussed that we were both looking for something serious not just a hook up. So this goes on for about two weeks. Then out of the blue he says he has to return home for a side job that's here where I live. Him and his friends have a construction business here.

 

Ok I'm ecstatic!! I'm on that omg I finally get to see you in person bliss! He's only 2 1/2 hour drive away so he gets here Thursday night. He tells me he has to see his family first then we will meet up. As the night goes by its getting late and I have to work Friday so I text him and tell him maybe Friday night is better. He agrees and says he's busy. So Friday rolls around and he texts me good morning but that's it... I'm used to his texting all day multiple times. I kind of figured he would be setting a time to meet up but he doesn't.

 

So I give in and ask him when he wants to see me and I even offer to leave work early. He says that he's busy till after 630pm and after that he would get ahold of me. Ok so I'm kind of bummed... One because he's not sounding as excited as I am and two he didn't ask me I had to ask him and he's not texting me at all like usual.

 

So finally after hearing nothing at all from him all day around 730 he texts and says his job bid went well but that he's really busy and can he make it up to me by taking me out to dinner Sunday night.

Sunday night?????? That's two days away! I understand the guy is busy but he can't break away for an hour to see me? So I basically say this in a nice way. I say can we just meet up tonight for an hour and have a drink or coffee or something? I really want to see you...He takes an hour to respond and says sorry he can't he's to busy.

 

At this point I'm feeling a sting in my chest. Like what happened? So I message him back saying that it just seems odd that we go from talking all the time and being overly excited to see each other to nothing... I tell him I understand he's busy to just hit me up when he can.

 

After that I receive no text from him. No response not even a good night nothing.

 

I guess I'm just confused about the whole situation. We were "electronically" all over each other and then he shows up in town and he's suddenly avoiding me. I know I'm sounding needy on here but I'm not being that way with him. I'm being very casual about it so I know it's not me pushing him away. And if anything it has been him persuing me more heavily this whole time. He even started posting cute things publicly on my Facebook like he was trying to show he was marking his territory.

 

I can't help but think somehow there is another girl involved. It seems like it's always that... Maybe there is another girl he's been talking to here in town or an ex that he went to see. I just can't believe that even with a busy job you can't break away for a minute to see the girl that you are supposedly enamoured with...

 

Uggg am I just crazy and overthinking this?

[Gaeta]

Yes I feel you are over thinking and over reacting.

 

Men are one-track-minded. They concentrate on 1 thing at a time. While he is in town taking care of business that's what he is concentrating on. It doesn't mean he's not thinking of you or is not excited about you anymore, he's just in 'work mode'. When he'll be done with his business on Sunday you'll get all of his attention.

 

Nothing has changed for you, you're still home, doing your usual routine. He's out of his element, he's got things to think about, matters to handle, his routine is off, it's normal he's not texting at his usual rate.

 

If I were you I would leave him alone and let him take care of his business and enjoy your time on Sunday.

[Robot_heart]

Hmm thanks!

I'm really hoping this is the case

[Erdbeere]

I started talking to this guy on Facebook. He had started messaging me 4 months ago when I had become newly single. He didn't hit on me but just sent nice little inspirational quotes and memes, stuff like that. I was thankful but for the most part ignored him because I was in the post break up "jaded" frame of mind...

 

Fast forward to oh about three weeks ago. Suddenly the cloud of jaded depression lifts off my shoulders and I'm feeling great! Back to my normal self. During my breakup depression I started eating very light and healthy and running a lot more at the gym so naturally I'm not just feeling great I'm looking grea as well. Glowing is the word I would use to describe myself...

 

I finally got out of my funk and went and hung out with some old friends. The guy that had been messaging me came up in conversation. Now I don't know him per-se but my friends know him from high school and say he's a really nice guy. They give me the advice that I should totally go for it and message him back.

 

A few days later I do this. I message him on Facebook and we start talking from there. I told him all about my breakup and how it made me feel and he told me about his. His were far worse than mine and he said that he had been single and happy for a year now..

 

I really really like this guy! We began texting everyday all day and then talking on the phone for 2 to 3 hours a night every night... He was out of town on a job so we could not meet up in person. We exchanged pictures but they were just goofy ones. Nothing sexual, he's very gentlemen like... (Tbh I wouldn't have minded going the sexy route but he didn't seem ready for all that)

 

Anyway our conversations are amazing. We talk about everything. Life, love, our interests and hobbies. We are both out door freaks and into photography and travel. He even asked me my level of seriousness with him and said that all he could think of was me and that he hasn't felt this way in a long time... The feeling is mutual for me and we discussed that we were both looking for something serious not just a hook up. So this goes on for about two weeks. Then out of the blue he says he has to return home for a side job that's here where I live. Him and his friends have a construction business here.

 

Ok I'm ecstatic!! I'm on that omg I finally get to see you in person bliss! He's only 2 1/2 hour drive away so he gets here Thursday night. He tells me he has to see his family first then we will meet up. As the night goes by its getting late and I have to work Friday so I text him and tell him maybe Friday night is better. He agrees and says he's busy. So Friday rolls around and he texts me good morning but that's it... I'm used to his texting all day multiple times. I kind of figured he would be setting a time to meet up but he doesn't.

 

So I give in and ask him when he wants to see me and I even offer to leave work early. He says that he's busy till after 630pm and after that he would get ahold of me. Ok so I'm kind of bummed... One because he's not sounding as excited as I am and two he didn't ask me I had to ask him and he's not texting me at all like usual.

 

So finally after hearing nothing at all from him all day around 730 he texts and says his job bid went well but that he's really busy and can he make it up to me by taking me out to dinner Sunday night.

Sunday night?????? That's two days away! I understand the guy is busy but he can't break away for an hour to see me? So I basically say this in a nice way. I say can we just meet up tonight for an hour and have a drink or coffee or something? I really want to see you...He takes an hour to respond and says sorry he can't he's to busy.

 

At this point I'm feeling a sting in my chest. Like what happened? So I message him back saying that it just seems odd that we go from talking all the time and being overly excited to see each other to nothing... I tell him I understand he's busy to just hit me up when he can.

 

After that I receive no text from him. No response not even a good night nothing.

 

I guess I'm just confused about the whole situation. We were "electronically" all over each other and then he shows up in town and he's suddenly avoiding me. I know I'm sounding needy on here but I'm not being that way with him. I'm being very casual about it so I know it's not me pushing him away. And if anything it has been him persuing me more heavily this whole time. He even started posting cute things publicly on my Facebook like he was trying to show he was marking his territory.

 

I can't help but think somehow there is another girl involved. It seems like it's always that... Maybe there is another girl he's been talking to here in town or an ex that he went to see. I just can't believe that even with a busy job you can't break away for a minute to see the girl that you are supposedly enamoured with...

 

Uggg am I just crazy and overthinking this?

 

I understand your anxiety, but you've no reason to be suspicious for now. Talk through all your thoughts on here, so you don't offload everything onto him when you see him. You need to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy Sunday. This will be the first time you see him since this all started, and you don't want to be full of anxiety and suspicion. It isn't sustainable in the long-term to be sending messages back and forth all day.

[loveweary11]

When you own businesses and are in town for a project, nothing else is going to come first.

 

Plus, he has family obligations.

 

I would have done the same thing he did... you can't duck out of responsibility quite so easily when you own the place.

 

See how Sunday goes.

[carhill]

How do you even know he was in town?

 

Heh.

 

That's a male's perspective. Men lie. Especially keyboard romeos and married men.

[OpenBook]

For what it's worth, I think he handled the whole thing very shabbily with you. He did not respect YOUR valuable time. I'm getting the impression he assumed you would just hang out all weekend waiting for him to contact you, like you were some kind of servant to be summoned at will. That is not cool.

 

I would consider this a big red flag and put the brakes on this pronto - meaning, cool off from him. Stop contacting him or paying any attention to him. Go in another direction. If he does contact you, keep it short and sweet / light and breezy / end the conversation after a couple minutes. Don't ask him what his plans are or hint you're still interested in meeting him or anything like that. Keep it superficial, nothing heavy.

 

And in your own mind, lower your expectations about him to basically zero. That's the painful part, but you've got to do it.

 

You're worth far more than what he's reflecting in his behavior. There's a lot of great guys out there. And you've got your whole life ahead of you. You'd be shooting yourself in the foot to focus on this guy.

[Erdbeere]

That's a male's perspective. Men lie. Especially keyboard romeos and married men.

 

All true, but there's no reason to be suspicious so far. Of course, there are people on here that, in the event it turns out to be that, are already salivating at the thought of being able to say "I told you so", but they'd be wrong. One can only judge someone on what has happened so far, not on some invented, hysterical plot one is imagining.

[Erdbeere]

For what it's worth, I think he handled the whole thing very shabbily with you. He did not respect YOUR valuable time. I'm getting the impression he assumed you would just hang out all weekend waiting for him to contact you, like you were some kind of servant to be summoned at will. That is not cool.

 

I would consider this a big red flag and put the brakes on this pronto - meaning, cool off from him. Stop contacting him or paying any attention to him. Go in another direction. If he does contact you, keep it short and sweet / light and breezy / end the conversation after a couple minutes. Don't ask him what his plans are or hint you're still interested in meeting him or anything like that. Keep it superficial, nothing heavy.

 

And in your own mind, lower your expectations about him to basically zero. That's the painful part, but you've got to do it.

 

You're worth far more than what he's reflecting in his behavior. There's a lot of great guys out there. And you've got your whole life ahead of you. You'd be shooting yourself in the foot to focus on this guy.

 

My opinion is it's far too early to have such thoughts. There's no reason, to my mind, for him to be going out of his way to design his time around her, since they haven't met face-to-face yet. I'm more of the idea that a connection grows, than it has to be there instantaneously (or never will be).

[Lois_Griffin]

How do you even know he was in town?

 

Heh.

 

That's a male's perspective. Men lie. Especially keyboard romeos and married men.

I totally agree. I don't believe this guy is who he claims to be.

 

I don't believe for a New York minute that he's been so 'focused on his work and family' that he hasn't had a loousy hour or two to get together for lunch or coffee the entire time he's been in your town. And I also don't believe he's so ungodly "busy" working that he doesn't have 2 minutes a few times a day to send a text or to call you.

 

I'm assuming where he lives 2.5 hours away from you that he's also working? Yet, he's managed to consistently find time to communicate with you extensively for the last two weeks, so why is THIS job in your own hometown any different???

 

The fact that's he's COMPLETELY managed to avoid getting together with you since he hit town, on top of his sudden radio silence in daily communication reeks of something alright - and it' ain't being 'focused on family and work.'

 

Bottom line - you've bent over BACKWARDS trying to accommodate him and he's successfully managed to blow you off, every single time. What he pulled on Thursday night was downright rude, leaving you hanging like that.

 

Don't be surprised if you're left hanging AGAIN on Sunday night. Or maybe that's when he's actually finally going to be free to meet you because whoever has been taking up all his time isn't going to be around.

[carhill]

Also, remember this Sunday is, well, for guys, Super Bowl Sunday.

[CarrieT]

OP, you aren't going to like this, but here goes... <I have been in your shoes and know exactly what you are going through>

 

All this talk and discussion you have had with him? What you penned exactly as "Electronic Excitement?"

 

All that was in your head. YOU built up what you wanted this guy to be based on his words. Your brain synapses, wanting a connection, started putting them together and building up the excitement and chemistry and you thought were there.

 

And it might not have been the same for him.

 

This is why it is important to physically meet someone sooner rather than later in these situations. You have these great hopes and expectations based on what you want this guy to be based on words that may not live up to reality. In fact, you are already disappointed because you are not as much of a priority to him as he is to you.

 

In a sense, you have already started bonding and creating a relationship where one doesn't *really* exist yet.

 

It has been a hard lesson for you, I understand. And this guy may still work out, but if he doesn't do be too disheartened. And take it as a lesson learned to get out and meet then In Real Life sooner, before you give your heart away.

[Gaeta]

so he gets here Thursday night. He tells me he has to see his family first then we will meet up. As the night goes by its getting late and I have to work Friday so I text him and tell him maybe Friday night is better. He agrees and says he's busy. So Friday rolls around and he texts me good morning but that's it... I'm used to his texting all day multiple times. I kind of figured he would be setting a time to meet up but he doesn't.

 

So I give in and ask him when he wants to see me and I even offer to leave work early. He says that he's busy till after 630pm and after that he would get ahold of me. Ok so I'm kind of bummed... One because he's not sounding as excited as I am and two he didn't ask me I had to ask him and he's not texting me at all like usual.

 

Thursday he's busy with family. That's 100% legitimate

 

You offer him Friday and he says ok but he warns you in his morning text that he is busy all day and cannot free himself till 6:30.

 

He's in town for business and family and you expect him to text you all day and be all lovey dovey as his usual. It doesn't work that way for a lot of people. When I go visit my parents outside of town I don't keep my phone on me. I am out and about and maybe 1 or 2 times a day I'll check if I have messages. In his case add to that family AND a professional project.

 

So finally after hearing nothing at all from him all day around 730 he texts and says his job bid went well but that he's really busy and can he make it up to me by taking me out to dinner Sunday night.

 

Of course you didn't hear from him. He told you earlier that day that he's busy all day. He is taking care of business, he's surrounded with people, making phone calls, driving here and there, he has no time for chatting. His mind is concentrating on the business at hand. That's how men function.

 

So Friday turned out to be a long day for him, longer then expected. He's contacting you to let you know his day isn't over and it's better to reschedule for Sunday. I don't see anything wrong with this. You would have liked Saturday? but remember, he did not come into town specifically to meet you, he came into town to take care of some business and visiting family. His Saturday is already booked with business and probably dinner with family or night out with old friends.

 

Sunday night?????? That's two days away! I understand the guy is busy but he can't break away for an hour to see me? So I basically say this in a nice way. I say can we just meet up tonight for an hour and have a drink or coffee or something? I really want to see you...He takes an hour to respond and says sorry he can't he's to busy.

He doesn't want to break away 1 hour to meet you. He wants a proper date with you where you can both sit down and take time to spend time with each other.

 

 

At this point I'm feeling a sting in my chest. Like what happened? So I message him back saying that it just seems odd that we go from talking all the time and being overly excited to see each other to nothing... I tell him I understand he's busy to just hit me up when he can.

This is very passive aggressive drama men don't need or want. That's being needy and a bit selfish. It's not an attractive side of women. Yes that could have turned him off. He told you he was coming in town for business and family, he told you he was busy, when he could not make it he reschedule and still you are not happy and give him a me me me me me type of response.

 

Now do absolutely nothing and let him get back to you.

Edited February 6, 2016 by Gaeta

[brokengirl85]

Have you ever met him in person? Do you know this man is real, indeed? Do you both connected through friends?

Looks like he doesn't want to meet you face to face. It could be he's extremely busy, but it's unlikely. If a man wants to meet a woman, he will do. Even if he has 15 minutes free of his busy schedule.

[Gaeta]

Have you ever met him in person? Do you know this man is real, indeed? Do you both connected through friends?

Looks like he doesn't want to meet you face to face. It could be he's extremely busy, but it's unlikely. If a man wants to meet a woman, he will do. Even if he has 15 minutes free of his busy schedule.

 

Good point.

 

I assumed because they got in touch on FB that they were friends of friends somehow.

 

If this is a complete stranger and you have no mutual friends than this is a different story.

[GR4]

You got far too attached to him before you ever met him. Talking on the phone for hours every night? Constant texting throughout the day? I didn't do that with my girlfriend of three years so I certainly wouldn't do that with someone I've never met.

 

Use the phone to set up a date. Nothing more. Constant contact like you've been having will kill any attraction and make you start falling for someone who is, essentially, still a stranger to you.

 

You've built this whole thing up in your head of you two together.

[Robot_heart]

I totally agree. I don't believe this guy is who he claims to be.

 

I don't believe for a New York minute that he's been so 'focused on his work and family' that he hasn't had a loousy hour or two to get together for lunch or coffee the entire time he's been in your town. And I also don't believe he's so ungodly "busy" working that he doesn't have 2 minutes a few times a day to send a text or to call you.

 

I'm assuming where he lives 2.5 hours away from you that he's also working? Yet, he's managed to consistently find time to communicate with you extensively for the last two weeks, so why is THIS job in your own hometown any different???

 

The fact that's he's COMPLETELY managed to avoid getting together with you since he hit town, on top of his sudden radio silence in daily communication reeks of something alright - and it' ain't being 'focused on family and work.'

 

Bottom line - you've bent over BACKWARDS trying to accommodate him and he's successfully managed to blow you off, every single time. What he pulled on Thursday night was downright rude, leaving you hanging like that.

 

Don't be surprised if you're left hanging AGAIN on Sunday night. Or maybe that's when he's actually finally going to be free to meet you because whoever has been taking up all his time isn't going to be around.

 

These are my thoughts exactly.... Something is off for sure. You are right he works in Cali and still manages to text me all day and call me and since he's been here he hasn't had 5 seconds to text or make a quick call and not even a good night or good morning this morning.... It all changed when he got to town. He claims to have been single for the last year but this is is home town and he's been working in this city 2 hours away for quite a bit on and off. So when he's there he can talk the whole time but when he's here he vanishes....

[Robot_heart]

We have seen each other out at bars in the past but never spoken. It's not a catfish we both know what each other looks like and yes we met on fb through mutual friend thing. We didn't actually know each other.

 

In all fairness he did make the trip sound like I was a big part of it. Like saying "I can't wait to see you" "I can't wait to have our conversations in person cuddling"

 

I think my last text to him was selfish and passive aggressive... And probably turned him off... I will sit back and wait to see if he texts me. Here was my exact words in text, and he has said nothing since.

 

"Ok... Whatever. Just seems weird we talk all the time and you wouldn't want to see me and we even talked of you staying here. But it's all good hit me up when you can"

 

Eeek maybe that was harsh

[carhill]

No harsher than his last minute cancellation(s!) after leading you on. I'll give him this; he's smooth. That doesn't fall off the turnip truck. It's practiced. You've been in contact with him, off and on, for four months and have actually seen each other IRL, though not purposefully. It's just, well, fishy.....

[GR4]

I'm not doubting he is who he says he is I just think both of you have got way too involved and you're too invested in him without really knowing him at all. This whole relationship is in your head, it's just a fantasy.

[Gaeta]

 

"Ok... Whatever. Just seems weird we talk all the time and you wouldn't want to see me and we even talked of you staying here. But it's all good hit me up when you can"

 

Eeek maybe that was harsh

 

It's passive aggressive, dramatic and cligny. I am sorry I don't mean to make you feel worse.

 

Being told 'whatever' would absolutely get me aggravated.

 

Him saying ' I can't wait to see you ' does not mean he was coming over specifically to see you. He was using that opportunity to see you. He also did not want to see you for 5 minutes that's why he offered Sunday when he'll have real time to devote to you.

[Robot_heart]

Well maybe I screwed up Sunday because now he's not texting me at all....

I mean it is early but he always says good morning...

 

I guess this story will be continued Sunday or if he ever texts me again...

 

Sunday night... I do have super bowl party to attend and money bet riding on the game. He didn't even bother asking my super bowl plans but I can't break them for him...

[Gaeta]

Well maybe I screwed up Sunday because now he's not texting me at all....

I mean it is early but he always says good morning...

 

I guess this story will be continued Sunday or if he ever texts me again...

 

Sunday night... I do have super bowl party to attend and money bet riding on the game. He didn't even bother asking my super bowl plans but I can't break them for him...

 

So you are offended that he doesn't make you a priority while you have no intention of making him a priority.

 

Maybe he's not into football so it didn't come to him to ask you this.

 

If you had plans for Sunday evening why did you accept his invitation?

[Robot_heart]

So you are offended that he doesn't make you a priority while you have no intention of making him a priority.

 

Maybe he's not into football so it didn't come to him to ask you this.

 

If you had plans for Sunday evening why did you accept his invitation?

 

I didn't exactly accept Sunday. I asked if we could meet up just for like an hour or so before that for drink or coffee and he said no he was to busy. Then that's when I sent the "ok whatever" text. Then that was it. If I did meet up with him Sunday it would be after the game I guess but we didn't get any farther in the conversation.

[Gaeta]

I didn't exactly accept Sunday. I asked if we could meet up just for like an hour or so before that for drink or coffee and he said no he was to busy. Then that's when I sent the "ok whatever" text. Then that was it. If I did meet up with him Sunday it would be after the game I guess but we didn't get any farther in the conversation.

 

When he text you this:

 

he texts and says his job bid went well but that he's really busy and can he make it up to me by taking me out to dinner Sunday night.

You did not agree ? you did not reply with you had plans?

 

Next time he text you don't waste time over text, call him.