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I am done with coffee dates. 100%


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I hate- seriously hate- coffee dates. Guys invented the coffee date because they don't want to spend money, I get it. There are more creative ways to go on an inexpensive date. They also don't want to commit an entire hour or two or whatever period of time is normal for a first date, until they're absolutely sure they're going to like you. But the thing is, women will spend- and are expected to spend- just as much time preparing for a stupid coffee date that we will spend on a real date. I've been dating for...thirteen years now. I think I've gone on maybe five coffee dates in that time. Which is because I've never liked them to begin with. Not a single coffee date has ever resulted in anything worthwhile.

 

Guys, if you're going to take a woman on a coffee date, please don't suggest Starbucks. It's like going to a fast food restaurant. And whatever kind of date you're on, please wait until she finishes her drink, her food, her wine, whatever, until you decide you're no longer interested. This has happened to me a few times and some of my friends as well. A guy decides he's no longer interested and just leaves in the middle of the date.

 

It is the most rude and inconsiderate thing you can do to a person. I have respect for the guy I went out with last Thursday. It was pretty obvious from the start that we didn't have much chemistry, and probably wouldn't see each other again. But that didn't stop us from having a great conversation and decent 1-2 hours together. And neither of us were rude. Seriously men, where have all the manners gone?

 

Yesterday a man yells at me for not going out with him because I don't have a similar lifestyle (partying all night and coming home at 7am) while today a guy couldn't even wait for me to finish my iced tea because he's a republican, and I'm a democrat. Newsflash guy from my lame coffee date today: I didn't like you either. You're too short and too tiny for me, and you lied about being unemployed. I also wanted to get up and walk away from you about ten minutes into our conversation. I did not do so because that would be rude.

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Do you feel better now that you've let it all out?

 

You're having a fit about coffee dates but only went on 5 of them in 13 years. Not sure I follow you.

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Do you feel better now that you've let it all out?

 

Absolutely- yes, actually. But also, I keep reading posts from guys who say they have no idea how to date, etc. So aside from being a rant, this post is a public service announcement.

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Ha, ha, never took a lady on a coffee date. My ideas for inexpensive dates, like a walk in the park or a bike ride along the river, tended to fail miserably. Women in my demographic were discerning! :D

 

I met my exW for the first time over the bargain lunch plate at a local Mexican place I normally ate at, and still do, some 20 years later. Come to think of it, sheesh, they've hardly raised their prices in that time.

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Ha, ha, never took a lady on a coffee date.

 

Good man. Honestly I was just born into the wrong generation.

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I like coffee dates. Most men I met asked me where I wanted to go and I'd picked those nice terraces downtown or coffee shops in old ancient houses. I never had a coffee date last under 1 hour, it's usually always 2 hours, sometimes up to 4 hours. Sometimes from the coffee shop we decide to go for a walk or to head to a restaurant. I have 100s of coffee dates and they never felt like an interview. Maybe because I am very talkative and sociable. I can have a great time talking to a stranger from the streets.

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Maybe you need to vet your dates a bit more before agreeing to meet?

 

I am fine with coffee dates. Often its an easy ice breaker first meeting.

 

Some have led to immediate fire works, others, a pleasant conversation - with a follow up, nice meeting you, but I am not feeling the attraction.

 

Guys, don't stop suggesting the coffee date. It's a nice low pressure way to meet.

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As a guy, I read a lot of articles about coffee dates when it came to online dating about how that's the way to go. I tried a few times and realized how lame it was.

 

It's a half-assed way of doing things and ends up being a quasi job interview, because more times than not it's just awkward. Many people who go on coffee dates don't actually hang out at the local coffee shop all that often.

 

For those that regularly eat at restaurants or grab drink with their friends at a bar, then meeting a date at this type of establishment is a more natural environment. A more natural environment makes people more relaxed and more themselves.

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Spending a lot of time. As in, putting on makeup, fixing my hair, figuring out what to wear, etc. It's a process for women to get ready for a first date. Guys just throw on a shirt and head out the door. So my point is, it's frustrating to spend so much time from my day to go on a half-assed date. I'm over it. If other women love coffee dates- great for them! It's not for me.

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Spending a lot of time. As in, putting on makeup, fixing my hair, figuring out what to wear, etc. It's a process for women to get ready for a first date. Guys just throw on a shirt and head out the door. So my point is, it's frustrating to spend so much time from my day to go on a half-assed date. I'm over it. If other women love coffee dates- great for them! It's not for me.

 

Maybe you don't like it because you are missing the point of what is a 'coffee date'. You shower, you put a pair of jeans on and you go to your date. It's a coffee shop. You show yourself in your day to day look. Why put so much effort to go in a coffee shop? Why put so much effort in meeting a man you don't know yet. When he wants to take you to a nice restaurant then put yourself together like it's xmas, not for a coffee date.

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Maybe you don't like it because you are missing the point of what is a 'coffee date'. You shower, you put a pair of jeans on and you go to your date. It's a coffee shop. You show yourself in your day to day look. Why put so much effort to go in a coffee shop? Why put so much effort in meeting a man you don't know yet. When he wants to take you to a nice restaurant then put yourself together like it's xmas, not for a coffee date.

 

When was the last time you found yourself in the dating world?

For the sake of conversation let's consider that dating standards are different in different locations. In California, most men want to date gorgeous women. I've lived in different locations during my adult life, so I can say dating standards do change depending on where you live. On a first date, I'm expected to make a good first impression and look as attractive as my photos online, which are of course me looking my very best.

 

Also, your experience with coffee dates is not what people in their late 20s, early 30s are experiencing. A date that lasts longer than an hour, is a real date. That's not the deal with what I'm talking about. Basically, men don't want to spend their time getting to know women through email/phone conversations/texting, so they ask us on a "coffee date". It's not a date, it's a chance to get to know what I'm like to see if they want to go on a real date. So rather than waste THEIR time and effort with the emailing, texting, phone calls, they waste MY time with a half-assed date.

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This has been the opposite of my experience and I have the opposite complaints.

 

I always go for a drink at a nearby bar for the first date and I would be over the moon if the girl got up and left at the point where she decided she wasn't feeling it as it saves both our time. I had a 4 hour conversation with a girl where we got on so well and had so many quirky things in common. The bartender was trying to chat me up but I was on a date that was going well so knocked her back and the bar staff were then cleaning up around us we stayed there so late. After they insisted the bar was closed and we left I walked my date to the station and saw her off. I sent her a text checking she got home okay (she spent some of the date telling me how unsafe the area she lived in was) and she replied in the morning to say there was 'no spark', whatever that means!

 

4 hours. 4 hours of my life when I could have been messaging other women or accepted the bar tenders offer to go clubbing with her. I would love it if a girl just told me she wasn't feeling it ASAP and we could go on with our lives.

 

Also I would love to see a girl make an effort on a date. It is all jeans and a T-shirt these days. I always make an effort to dress up a bit, yet of the 15 girls I have dated from OLD in the last year and a half I would say only one made a real effort to wear a dress and look feminine on the first date. The rest looked like they were wearing casual clothes they lounge about in on the weekend. Not far off sweat pants territory. It isn't attractive and doesn't endear them to me.

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I am not spending a lot of money until I really get to know a woman and a coffee date is a good way to do that. It could be something else cheap as well but no fancy restaurant until the third or fourth date.

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I'm not a huge fan of coffee dates either, but they serve their purpose. At least they're short (a dinner date with someone you don't like is terrible), and you can always go somewhere else afterwards if you like each other.

 

I don't know why you spend so much time for clothes and make up before a date - is your daily style very casual? My work clothing/make up is usually high quality, and I used to schedule my dates after work to save time - no complaints :D

 

 

Spending a lot of time. As in, putting on makeup, fixing my hair, figuring out what to wear, etc. It's a process for women to get ready for a first date. Guys just throw on a shirt and head out the door. So my point is, it's frustrating to spend so much time from my day to go on a half-assed date. I'm over it. If other women love coffee dates- great for them! It's not for me.
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I have to agree with Carhill. What you'd pay for coffee at Starbuck's, you could find a good hole in the wall restaurant or go have a pizza for the same amount. Go to a museum or a car show or a street fair or an aquarium. If you were doing something fun together instead of staring at each other over coffee just rating each other's looks, the date might go better.

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Tell us how you really feel! It's just coffee - a casual and inexpensive way to get to know someone while increasing your dopamine level at the same time ;)

 

With the amount of negative vibes you're spreading, I wouldn't want to get coffee with you either. Lighten up.

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Just curious, what is the age group of the jeans and T shirt people that you're dating?

I just find it amusing that putting a dress on is considered being 'dressed-up'...

 

Also I would love to see a girl make an effort on a date. It is all jeans and a T-shirt these days. I always make an effort to dress up a bit, yet of the 15 girls I have dated from OLD in the last year and a half I would say only one made a real effort to wear a dress and look feminine on the first date. The rest looked like they were wearing casual clothes they lounge about in on the weekend. Not far off sweat pants territory. It isn't attractive and doesn't endear them to me.

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Spending a lot of time. As in, putting on makeup, fixing my hair, figuring out what to wear, etc. It's a process for women to get ready for a first date. Guys just throw on a shirt and head out the door. So my point is, it's frustrating to spend so much time from my day to go on a half-assed date. I'm over it. If other women love coffee dates- great for them! It's not for me.

 

Those are not necessary. I often used to ask for casual dress. It is about meeting a person, not putting on a show.

 

Also, if they ask for coffee, you can simply suggest an alternative. No one is forcing you.

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When was the last time you found yourself in the dating world?

 

lol, I have been dating around the clock for the past 4 years. I have been on over 150s coffee dates in the past 4 years. Why do you think I have over 8,000 post on here.

 

 

For the sake of conversation let's consider that dating standards are different in different locations. In California, most men want to date gorgeous women. I've lived in different locations during my adult life, so I can say dating standards do change depending on where you live. On a first date, I'm expected to make a good first impression and look as attractive as my photos online, which are of course me looking my very best.
Well, I don't make my dating so complicated. I put accurate pictures of me online so showing up looking like myself is the easiest. When they meet me I look exactly like my pictures so they never have bad surprises. If they like the natural looking gal in my profile they will like me in real. To me dating is not a competition against other women. I am me, you like me or you don't, end of story.

 

Also, your experience with coffee dates is not what people in their late 20s, early 30s are experiencing. A date that lasts longer than an hour, is a real date. That's not the deal with what I'm talking about. Basically, men don't want to spend their time getting to know women through email/phone conversations/texting, so they ask us on a "coffee date". It's not a date, it's a chance to get to know what I'm like to see if they want to go on a real date. So rather than waste THEIR time and effort with the emailing, texting, phone calls, they waste MY time with a half-assed date.

 

A coffee date that last 2 hours is a coffee date. It's a first meeting. Whether it's 1 hour or 3 hours it's a first meeting.

 

About men not wanting to get to know you online, not sure why you're telling me this. It's off topic.

 

They ask you quickly on a coffee date because men are being lied to all the time from women looking super good online and not so good in real. Also they want to meet quickly because it's where you will know if there is an attraction or not. I worked that way as well. I often went on a coffee date on the same day we connected online. I was also not interested in interacting online. I want to see the real thing.

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4 hours. 4 hours of my life when I could have been messaging other women or accepted the bar tenders offer to go clubbing with her. I would love it if a girl just told me she wasn't feeling it ASAP and we could go on with our lives.

 

 

I just think if someone is making the effort- whatever that means on their part, whether it's to get really dressed up or not- to meet me, they deserve a considerate amount of my time. A first date does not need to be four hours- I agree with you. Your girl could have easily ended the date politely after the first drink or even second. But to get up and walk away from someone in the middle of a conversation, 25 minutes into a date, is without a doubt, one of the most rude, tacky, classless things you can do.

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Just curious, what is the age group of the jeans and T shirt people that you're dating?

I just find it amusing that putting a dress on is considered being 'dressed-up'...

 

30s and 20s.

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It is so strange. I though you meant teens to college age. Btw t shirt and jeans is OK if you're going on a nature hike. Else it is an interesting choice for mature women...

 

30s and 20s.
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Ha, well I guess it goes to show that it works all ways. Most of my first dates have been drinks or dinner, or drinks that led to dinner. And I can think of only one coffee date that ended ceremoniously after an hour. But with that guy? I was in the grocery store later that day and had totally forgotten about him! Big deal!

 

Funny story, I_N, I had a first date once where I met up with the guy for pie. Then he asks if I want to go play golf. Well, first we go to the convenience store for a couple of tall boys, then drive to THREE different golf courses before we find one that's open and doesn't cost an arm and a leg. We were together probably eight hours, and when I reached out to him in the following week, he gave one half-assed response and I never heard from him again. Why, in gods name, spend so long with someone if you're sure you don't want to see them again? I have had this experience several times, too. C'est la vie. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

And fwiw, I am pretty much an all-the-time pants-wearing gal. I'm not gonna dress to the nines on an early date when that's not my style.

 

Anyway, OP, if a guy suggests a coffee date, counter-suggest! Say, hey, there's this art gallery/bookstore I've been wanting to check out, or let's go for a walk downtown, or there's salsa dancing in the square, or I really want ice cream. Regardless of who it is, I'm sure most men appreciate a show of originality and personality, so if you don't want to get stuck on another boring coffee date, suggest something else. It sounds to me like you don't want to date a conventional dude, so don't even start out that way. If they balk, then you know he's not the guy for you.

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. Else it is an interesting choice for mature women...

 

I am a mature woman. There is a way of wearing a pair of jeans to look classy and current. Jeans, high heels, silk top and a quality purse. Lip sticks and mascara. Preparation time? 20 minutes.

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