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Should a gf appreciate the things you do


Jord11

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I currently live with my gf and I try my best to help out ect take out the garbage cook dinner shovel driveway little maintenance here and there I barely get a thank you I shovelled the driveway twice nothing from her she recently posted a thing on Facebook saying what she accomplished and how she loves her brother for all the things he's done not one time did she mention me not once what should I do about this im pissed and heart broken at the same time

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I currently live with my gf and I try my best to help out ect take out the garbage cook dinner shovel driveway little maintenance here and there I barely get a thank you I shovelled the driveway twice nothing from her she recently posted a thing on Facebook saying what she accomplished and how she loves her brother for all the things he's done not one time did she mention me not once what should I do about this im pissed and heart broken at the same time

 

I hear ya. Not much worse than not being appreciated for all we do. Well, I guess there are worse, but it's still right up there with pretty lame.

 

My suggestion? STOP doing so much.

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I currently live with my gf and I try my best to help out ect take out the garbage cook dinner shovel driveway little maintenance here and there I barely get a thank you I shovelled the driveway twice nothing from her she recently posted a thing on Facebook saying what she accomplished and how she loves her brother for all the things he's done not one time did she mention me not once what should I do about this im pissed and heart broken at the same time

 

Do you thank your girlfriend every time she completes a basic household chore?

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I think it's important to always thank our SO's for chores (or whatever else) they do... whether it be for us personally, around the house, yard, etc.

 

I couldn't even imagine not thanking them.

 

Just me.

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I hear ya. Not much worse than not being appreciated for all we do. Well, I guess there are worse, but it's still right up there with pretty lame.

 

My suggestion? STOP doing so much.

 

Yep.. let's see how she feels when the trash doesn't just take itself out, or when her driveway hasn't cleared itself of snow. People take little things for granted until they realize they have to fend for themselves.

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It's also your driveway, your dinner, and your garbage you are taking out.

 

Do you thank her when you have clean towels available, go to bed in clean bed-sheets, or when the kitchen sink is clean?

 

You are both suppose to participate in you home shores.

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It's also your driveway, your dinner, and your garbage you are taking out.

 

Do you thank her when you have clean towels available, go to bed in clean bed-sheets, or when the kitchen sink is clean?

 

You are both suppose to participate in you home shores.

 

You're making accusations. We don't know who cleans the towels and sink and bedsheets. For all we know he could be doing it. For all we know he could be thanking her if she does it. Too many assumptions :rolleyes:

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You're making accusations. We don't know who cleans the towels and sink and bedsheets. For all we know he could be doing it. For all we know he could be thanking her if she does it. Too many assumptions :rolleyes:

 

You're right, so lets see what he has to say :p

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Yep.. let's see how she feels when the trash doesn't just take itself out, or when her driveway hasn't cleared itself of snow. People take little things for granted until they realize they have to fend for themselves.

 

That was precisely my point. She WON'T like it. Maybe then she will start appreciating it.

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Does she 'thank' as much or more than she 'gripes'?

 

If she's the kind of person that can pitch a fit when things don't go her way, then her lack of acknowledgement sticks out like a sore thumb.

 

If that's the case, my issue wouldn't be the lack of thank you's so much that she's the kind of person that gravitates to saying something negative.

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Yes, you should both appreciate each other - and what you contribute.

 

I too am interested in what the division of labor looks like in your home, and how you thank her for what she does do (or do you bring up what she doesn't do)?

 

I'll admit, this is a bit of an issue in my home...

 

I carry a pretty heavy load. I work more hours (and earn considerably more money), plus, do all the grocery shopping, cooking, majority of the dishes, house cleaning, laundry, a good bit of the yard work, the vast majority of taking care of the pets... you get the idea.

 

Do I get THANKED for doing all I do? I will get a compliment on a good dinner. I can't recall a "thank you for doing the laundry" or grocery shopping, or vacuuming, or dusting, or the dishes - you get the idea. (he will jump up with a "let me finish that" when I walk in from a 14 hour day and immediately start on the dishes)

 

Now, because I have have gently prodded him over the years to do more, I really try to make a point of noticing it when he does. Hey honey! The house looks great, thank you for picking up. Thanks for doing the dishes, thanks for mowing the yard - etc. I use the word "appreciate" - I really appreciate your help.

 

How much you want to make this a battle - and how much you want to allow yourself to become "heart broken" over it, is up to you.

 

I, eh' I pick my battles. To me, its not worth the conflict to nag or fight over it. I am certainly not heart broken over his lack of noticing everything I do. Annoyed occasionally, yes, and I will bring it up - but I don't let it affect me so much emotionally.

 

I will think about how a "woman's work is never done" ;) or how I am having a "cinderelli day"

 

I don't like the advice of being passive aggressive and just stopping doing your share of the household chores. I do recommend having a talk:

 

"I do a lot around here, and I feel like sometimes you don't really notice. Maybe I am touchy about it, but it leaves me feeling under appreciated"

Edited by RecentChange
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I dunno, maybe I am an anomaly (in this regard) again, but when my ex and I were living together and HE cooked or HE did the laundry, I always thanked him.

 

I didn't make a huge fuss...just something like "hey babe, dinner was delish tonight, thanks!" Or, "thanks for doing the laundry today." Or mowing the lawn, cleaning the yard, whatever it was.

 

Or even if he took out the trash, when he returned I would say "thanks for taking care of that."

 

And he did the same back to me...as often times I did those things too....even took the trash out! lol

 

It really does make a huge difference...we often DO take these things for granted....so a simple "thanks" lets them (and us) know we're appreciated.

 

Lost art I guess.

Edited by katiegrl
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When we say thank you to someone it's because they went beyond their normal tasks to help us.

 

When 2 people live under the same roof they usually split the chores. I do my chores and he does his. It's not a favor we do to each other it's our job. If one of the 2 goes out of his way and does a chore that is meant for his gf-bf then yes that calls for thank yous.

 

If I get home and laundry is done and it's listed as my chore then I will thank him profusely but I don't expect thank yous for wiping the kitchen counter or putting the milk back in the fridge if it's my week to do it.

 

I find cooking falling in an entirely different category. It's not a chore like vacuuming. Cooking for someone is an act of love and eating together is unifying and a moment of intimicy when you reconnect, it's preparing a sacred moment between you and your lover.

 

That being said, cleaning the dishes is a chore :-)

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I currently live with my gf andI try my best to help out ect take out the garbage cook dinner shovel driveway little maintenance here

 

Do you do it, or do you sometimes do it, you sometimes don't and she's the one having to pick up the slack? Saying "I try my best" sounds like it's a hit or miss thing with you and you don't do it all the time, which is probably why you don't get mentioned on her facebook page--you sound inconsistent. Could be the way you worded this that makes it sound like you're in her place and you sometimes pick up after yourself and she's over it.

 

and there I barely get a thank you

 

I don't think that if you're not consistently doing it you should get a pat on the back when you finally get around to doing it.

I shovelled the driveway twice nothing from her she recently posted a thing on Facebook saying what she accomplished

 

Well, if it's any consolation, I, *with a concussion* had to shovel a driveway that had 3 feet of snow in it because my landlord (in whose driveway 2 days earlier I'd fallen on ice and hit my head, thus the concussion) put the snow shovel on my steps and was no where to be found for 3 days--nor were his two teenage step sons. They were in the house--they just didn't do what they're supposed to do.

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When we say thank you to someone it's because they went beyond their normal tasks to help us.

 

When 2 people live under the same roof they usually split the chores. I do my chores and he does his. It's not a favor we do to each other it's our job. If one of the 2 goes out of his way and does a chore that is meant for his gf-bf then yes that calls for thank yous.

 

If I get home and laundry is done and it's listed as my chore then I will thank him profusely but I don't expect thank yous for wiping the kitchen counter or putting the milk back in the fridge if it's my week to do it.

 

I find cooking falling in an entirely different category. It's not a chore like vacuuming. Cooking for someone is an act of love and eating together is unifying and a moment of intimicy when you reconnect, it's preparing a sacred moment between you and your lover.

 

That being said, cleaning the dishes is a chore :-)

 

I guess each couple as their own way of doing stuff like this....cause my BF and did not have our own "set" of chores.... if we saw something needed to be done, we would do it.

 

He would cook sometimes, I would cook. We each took turns doing the laundry, there was no set schedule, just whenever it needed to be done. Same with everything else.

 

He did clean the pool though and did most of the yard work...but I would still thank him for doing it.

 

Giving a quick thanks never gets old IMO. No need to go overboard, thanking each other profusely...I never did anyway.

 

But he always knew I appreciated all he did and vice versa.

 

To each his own I guess.

Edited by katiegrl
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I guess each couple as their own way of doing stuff like this....cause my BF and did not have our own "set" of chores.... if we saw something needed to be done, we would do it.

 

You were very lucky then. A lot of the times if couples don't have a set of chores then you know who will end up doing everything.

 

It's not a matter of men being house-chores lazy, it's just that they don't notice things right under their nose. A lot of men won't notice the dirty dishes on the living room coffee table. Women will zoom on it right away. We are more attentive to details. To avoid constant arguments about ' I pick up after you all the time ' it's best to have designate tasks.

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You were very lucky then. A lot of the times if couples don't have a set of chores then you know who will end up doing everything.

 

It's not a matter of men being house-chores lazy, it's just that they don't notice things right under their nose. A lot of men won't notice the dirty dishes on the living room coffee table. Women will zoom on it right away. We are more attentive to details. To avoid constant arguments about ' I pick up after you all the time ' it's best to have designate tasks.

 

I know I was super lucky! He was very giving...always doing stuff for me, whether around the house, or coming home with a cute pair of earrings he thought I would like, etc.

 

But the fact I was SO very appreciative of all he did also motivated him to do these things... so it was a win-win.

 

It always made him feel so good whenever I noticed (and thanked him).... and since he liked feeling good, he would continue to do it!

 

Now if I never thanked him or showed any appreciation, you think he would feel motivated to do so much? Hell no!

 

But yeah I got lucky there. :(

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You were very lucky then. A lot of the times if couples don't have a set of chores then you know who will end up doing everything.

 

It's not a matter of men being house-chores lazy, it's just that they don't notice things right under their nose. A lot of men won't notice the dirty dishes on the living room coffee table. Women will zoom on it right away. We are more attentive to details. To avoid constant arguments about ' I pick up after you all the time ' it's best to have designate tasks.

 

Oh I think they DO notice....but they don't care and figure their girlfriend or wife will do it. Otherwise known as "taking her for granted."

 

JMO on that though.

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I want to make sure I have this straight.

You two share a house. You try your best to take out the trash you two make, clear y'all's driveway...

 

The thing is... she could say thank you. I tend to be a verbal person and am appreciative by nature and say thank you sometimes when my boyfriend is like, Umm, yeah that's what people do.

 

However, that you are complaining about a lack of adulation over simple things that are part of living in a place makes me wonder. Do you think the default is that she should be doing them and you deserve a sort of award for helping out? Why are you wanting a thank you so badly over things that you would be doing if you lived all by your lonesome?

 

Granted, perhaps you phrased poorly.

 

Perhaps she doesn't do anything around the house and you feel like you are taking the full burden. I suggest you talk to her.

 

Perhaps she's very verbal when it comes to criticizing what you miss, but quiet when it comes to what you do. That's a bigger issue.

 

Perhaps she used to be more vocal about her thanks but now just accepts things as it will happen and you are missing that. Talk to her.

 

However, if you each are doing your basic part in keeping a household running, even if thanks are nice, it isn't the same as someone outside of that doing something above and beyond to help.

 

You clearing the driveway of the house you share isn't the same as you clearing the driveway of her house, before heading back to your own separate house. That might be where you see her thanking her brother.

 

Thanks are nice, but what you are doing is not if it requires a certain acknowledgment for you to want to do the basic things we do about our lives to live. In this circumstance, a person might say thank you all the time, might save it up for one of those special days - Thanks for all you do... whatever.

 

Talk if you're feeling hurt but I warn you do NOT complain if you aren't frequently thanking her for all she does, too.

Demanding thanks for basic things is off putting, even if one is so inclined.

 

ALSO, IGNORE the earlier advise to just stop doing things. Passive aggression never solves anything and it can kill relationships. If it's a serious problem, you need to talk.

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Everybody likes being appreciated. However, in the course of every day life, the little politeness sometimes goes by the wayside.

 

 

Yes, it would be nice if she thank you. As other pointed out, do you thank her for the household tasks she performs? If not, lead by example.

 

 

Do speak to her about her FB. Show your vulnerability & confess to being a little hurt / jealous that she publically thanked her brother but did not even privately acknowledge the efforts you put in. Then ask how you both can work to be more appreciative of each other.

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